Well, that was TERRIBLE. Look: I know that I complain a lot, OK? Don’t you think I know that? Of course I know that. But despite what you may think, I actually AM capable of enjoying things, and I was fully prepared to enjoy last night’s Academy Awards, I just didn’t. Because of how awful it was. Why was everyone talking so slowly? Were their heads broken? You would think with all that Hollywood money, they could afford to get their heads fixed. And stop shining the lights in James Franco’s eyes, how is he supposed to read his inane cue cards? And tell Anne Hathaway to take it easy on the Insufferable Pills, the bottle says not to exceed four Insufferable Pills in a 24-hour period and I think she took, like, 100. Do not even get me started on The King’s Speech. Colin Firth is a good actor and England is a noble empire or whatever, but that movie just seemed from the very beginning to be a calculated Oscar grab, so it is definitely disappointing to see it grab ALL of the Oscars. Natalie Portman. Good grief. Did anything even remotely surprising or interesting happen last night? And don’t say Randy Newman performing a song because don’t be a liar. More like the SNORESCARS, am I right, you guys? Oh well. There is always next year and the year after that and the year after that until either the world collapses into the ocean or we are all dead of old age, like Kirk Douglas (R.I.P.). Here’s a slideshow from the after-party!