Well, that was TERRIBLE. Look: I know that I complain a lot, OK? Don’t you think I know that? Of course I know that. But despite what you may think, I actually AM capable of enjoying things, and I was fully prepared to enjoy last night’s Academy Awards, I just didn’t. Because of how awful it was. Why was everyone talking so slowly? Were their heads broken? You would think with all that Hollywood money, they could afford to get their heads fixed. And stop shining the lights in James Franco’s eyes, how is he supposed to read his inane cue cards? And tell Anne Hathaway to take it easy on the Insufferable Pills, the bottle says not to exceed four Insufferable Pills in a 24-hour period and I think she took, like, 100. Do not even get me started on The King’s Speech. Colin Firth is a good actor and England is a noble empire or whatever, but that movie just seemed from the very beginning to be a calculated Oscar grab, so it is definitely disappointing to see it grab ALL of the Oscars. Natalie Portman. Good grief. Did anything even remotely surprising or interesting happen last night? And don’t say Randy Newman performing a song because don’t be a liar. More like the SNORESCARS, am I right, you guys? Oh well. There is always next year and the year after that and the year after that until either the world collapses into the ocean or we are all dead of old age, like Kirk Douglas (R.I.P.). Here’s a slideshow from the after-party!

Comments (127)
  1. Oscar Pool Winners of this post: http://videogum.com/278752/the-videogum-2011-academy-awards-pool/top-stories/

    I’m only listing here those with a score of 14 or better. Complete list is at http://werttrew.tumblr.com/ I’ve not listed ties in any particular order. If I’ve miscalculated or missed someone, please reply here or e-mail me at werttrew99@yahoo.com

    Out of 18 possible points:

    Brimicbed 16
    Dan, man of science 16
    Zalojo 16
    Braxtonk89 15
    Elisabeth Bromberg 15
    Mtnsbeyondmtns 15
    Palbleaux 15
    Bokoboko 14
    Danny Porcaro 14
    Dusky Panther 14
    Forss Fagerstrom 14
    Milehigold 14
    Obviously_tma 14
    What what 14
    You guys? 14

  2. I t-t-told you guys.

  3. Post-Oscar post full of complaints? What is that, some sorta vidya gum?

  4. Oscars were terrible, but I could watch Anne shimmy all day long.

  5. I’m about to start production of “Kings, Queens, Crowns, Posh Accents and Location Shots: A Story of Monarchy, Triumph and the Rewriting of Our Nazi Sympathizer Past” – coming to a screen near you in time for next year’s Oscars.

  6. Don’t drop the Melissa Leo F-bomb!

  7. Natalie Portman just slays me. Sorry guys. I know she’s always upset and had that effusive not-great-television-speech. But MY biological clock was ticking. I wanted to care for her and see that she never felt alone.

  8. Can we talk about how weird it is that Trent Reznor is half way to an EGOT?

  9. My favourite part of the evening was when I caught myself up on last week’s television on Hulu.

  10. Where was Kanye when we needed him? I kept wanting for someone to interrupt Hathaway and give one of the white people’s awards to a non-white person.

  11. Did you guys know Gweneth Paltrow could sing?…she really wants you to know she can sing.

  12. I loved The King’s Speech and I don’t care who knows it. I thought it was a great movie…and which of the ten nominees *wasn’t* an “Oscar grab” exactly? Was it the one about the crazy lesbian makeout ballerinas? Or the one about meth heads in Appalachia? These stories need to be told!!!

    • Also, I’m breaking my legendary silence on Winter’s Bone, because everyone cares what I have to say. If I wanted to watch a bunch of redneck drug addicts abuse each other and cut off limbs and skin squirrels and crap like that then I’d go home for Christmas.

    • Ooh, way to stick it to The King’s Speech by downvoting me, downvoter! Colin Firth is weeping into his tea because you disapprove of my comment.

    • I’m totally with you about King’s Speech. I cried like a BABY. This proud, isolated, entirely socially repressed man struggling so hard just to speak… ugh. I know it’s a problematic movie. But it got me good.

  13. My favorite part was when the goofy guy won best live-action short, and my friends says “this looks like a film school project” and then he thanks NYU’s graduate school of film.

  14. Ugh, that stupid jerk girl was with Jon Hamm at the Spirit Awards, too(by the way, if anyone wants to talk about the Spirit Awards, I’m here). She’s such a jerk, right guys? And she’s barely even been in anything. Ooh, Kissing Jessica Stein, GOOD FOR YOU. God, what a jerk.

  15. Who even oscares?!

  16. Instead of watching the Oscars, I watched “Easy A,” which personally I think was ROBBED! J/K, I nominate it for the WMOAT because it is not a good movie. Yes, Emma Stone is funny and adorable, but the film had many problems, including but not limited to: 1. comparing the gay kid running away with a “big black man” to the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn; 2. the adopted black kid as a prop to demonstrate the family’s liberal values; 3. Lisa Kudrow being introduced a major character in the third act; and 4. the obnoxious attempt to align the movie with John Hughes films.

    P.S. I thought Shaun White above was Carrot Top.

    • I thought it was Carrot Top too!

      I also for a second (for too many seconds) believed that Jeff Bridges was Natalie Portman’s great-grandfather. Yikes for me.

    • It did get robbed, in the RAZZIES! Ya burnt, Easy A. Like kids give a shit about the Scarlett Letter, the “cool teach” schtick that didn’t work for Thomas Hayden Church and the religious overtones in the last part of the movie were awful. So while I have stated before it’s not the WMOAT, it is certainly a pretensious piece of cinematography.

      Also, can we talk Razzies? Now THOSE guys were on the money with their awards. Suck on it Last Airbender and SATC2, you were terrible! I’m curious why the creators of the nominated movies almost never go to the award ceremony. You made a piece of shit, deal with it!

      • I think maybe Halle Berry (could be wrong!) actually showed up to receive her worst actress Razzie for Catwoman many years ago. Major props to Halle (or to the other person who wasn’t Halle that actually did this)!

      • Don’t get me started on the horror that was Amanda Bynes. I didn’t mention the whole Scarlet Letter thing because I new that was the premise going in, so I wasn’t surprised at how terrible it was.

      • I too thought Easy-A was pretty bad: it was like the writer and/or director wasn’t sure if they wanted to play it as a straight comedy movie, or as a drama.

    • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • I’m upvoting you because Lisa Kudrow hould always be introduced in the first act. IMO, she is the best Friend.

  17. Billy Crystal was the Usher to Franco and Hathaway’s Black Eyed Peas.

  18. Melissa Leo was the worst, UGH shut up lady. I always find myself more choked up for the ordinary people awards like art direction or sound, they always seem more genuine and in all honesty probably contribute much more to making a film ‘Oscar worthy’ than the actors themselves.

    • The whole thing just seemed super fake – she was a frontrunner and acted like she was flabbergasted. The best speeches of the night were from non-actors (Tom Hooper, David Seidler, Aaron Sorkin, Toy Story guy, etc. etc.). So I completely agree – SHUT UP ACTORS (except you, Mr. Firth, please talk forever).

    • ALSO, WHY DID SHE STEAL KIRK DOUGLAS’S CANE??!

    • Upvoted. “Oh look at my *spontaneous* eg. utterly planned f-bomb!”

      At least she gave Christian Bale the opportunity to make fun of himself. Yay Christian Bale!

  19. Cheers for eliminating the fucking applause during the death montage. It was always tacky as shit the way people would whoop it up for Jack Lemmon and then go back to their popcorn for Leo Whatsisname (Editor).

    Jeers for everything else. It was like they forgot they had to put on the Oscars until a week ago. This Oscars broadcast was the equivalent of a still-drying foaming volcano replica science project. Boo, Academy. Boo.

  20. The best part of my Oscars viewing (at the Mayfair Theatre in Ottawa, ON, Canada) was when the PVR that was apparently hooked up to the projector notified all of us that the scheduled recording of Undercover Boss would begin in 1 minute.

    And then when the PVR automatically switched the channel to Undercover Boss, during Melissa Leo’s acceptance speech.

    Great Job!

  21. Watching James Franco, it was like he prepped all this good material in rehearsal, but when the lights came on for the real thing, he just reverted to “Stoner Franco” for… the entire night. Admittedly, there were a few laugh out loud funny moments (like the very classless yet still laughable moment when he called all the Award winners for Technical Achievements “Nerds” [we wuz all thinken' it]).

    He wasn’t squinting… that was his Pineapple Express face.

    Christopher Nolan reminded me of James Cameron when he was nominated for Avatar. Where the rest of your crew gets all the awards, thanks you immensely, while you sit in a chair and get nothing. Christopher Nolan looks hilariously squirrel-y though, that was amusing.

    Oh yeah and Social Network: “First, we’d like to thank everyone Aaron thanked.” Editors, they’re so smart!

    And funny hoiw Trent Reznor started winning awards after retiring NIN. Must be receiving mixed signals right about now, hopefully he’ll go write an album.

    • I don’t know whose idea it was to pair James Franco and Anne Hathaway together, but she was like a hyperactive chihuahua all night, and he was one step away from pulling out a bag of Cheetos on stage. Kind of reminded me of this:

  22. Wow, Rick Rubin looks like Ron Swanson’s dad. Or son, maybe. I can’t pretend to know how the Swanson’s age.

  23. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • You misspelled “best”.

    • Why are we hating on Franco for not taking the Oscars seriously? We sure didn’t.

    • But his smile is the best! Who cares if he bombed the Oscars? As long as he giving us his sexy smile while doing it, I’m happy!

    • I like him too. He’s a good actor acting in acting things. BUT HE DOES SO MANY PALTROWY THINGS. 12 hour cut of My Own Private Idaho? Pictures of Bruce Vilanch sleeping? And if he’s such a good actor (he is, he is such a good actor) then why couldn’t he act like he liked Anne Hathaway? She was dying up there! She just wants all of our love! She just wants daddy to like her! She wants Daddy Douglas to love her and love her hard. She wants you to Love her and Other Drugs. But Franco (not the soap character he plays, “Franco,” the real one that smiles and brings sexy back and gets stuck under things while falling asleep in class and making an art show out of it) couldn’t muster an ounce of “I give a shit.” I know he shouldn’t have to, why would anyone give a shit? But the thing is HE SIGNED UP FOR IT! You know? He was like “Oscars? I’ll be right there!” You know? So he may not be the worst, but he’s definitely worst-ish.

  24. So I thought it would be fun to do a shot every time Anne Hathaway was intentionally fun. 50 minutes and a half a shot later, I switched to doing a shot every time Anne Hathaway let out a “WOO!”

    Drunk in 10 minutes. True story.

    • Barney Stinson would label her a “Woo Girl.” Woo Girls should not be given microphones.

      • Seriously. Every time Anne WOOOOOOOO’d, I commented to my wife, “That’s so fucking annoying. Someone should cut her mic.” I made that request at least 10 times.

  25. Let’s not forget the PS22 chorus. If you’ve never heard of them before last night, look up their videos on YouTube. Warning – their version of “I’ll Stand by You” by The Pretenders will make you cry at work.

  26. The Oscars were drunkmazing!

  27. As my friend so aptly noted “All multi-racial children’s choruses are from New York City”

    I enjoyed the unrehearsed eternal nightmare that was the oscars. Nice to see Inception get some love, though Black Swan and Social Network got robbed as far as best director/picture is concerned.

    The cuts to Franco back stage while they called out the best actor nominees made me lose shit. Hathaway had maybe one funny line but bless her for trying.

  28. Guys, I just cut class to look at Best?Worst Dressed slideshows all afternoon.

    Somebody help me.

  29. So I guess I’m the only one who thought Anne Hathaway was delightful? Oh well, one man’s delightful is another man’s insufferable.

    • What I /did/ find insufferable was the Best Picture montage where they edited all the films together to Beethoven, taking all of those scenes completely out of context. Do they do that every year? Cause they should stop! Decontextualization is an extremely dangerous phenomenon in the 21st century! There were 40 tons of shrimp on that boat! Rabbit hats!

    • I thought Anne Hathaway was fun as well. Awkward and obviously nervous, sure. And James Franco didn’t ease that awkwardness by deadpanning everything. Anyway, that’s exactly how I would host the Oscars–*insert wink to Colin Firth gif here*

  30. WHERE WAS COREY HAIM?

  31. Texts from my mother during the oscars last night:
    “Best fake tan of the night: Matthew McConaughy.”
    “OMG why gwyneth, why?”
    “oscars are pretty dumb tonight.”
    Sounds about right….

  32. How come no one has talked about Kirk Douglas yet? Can we all just agree that he was definitely the most entertaining part of last night. You know…

  33. Moby was the white Moby:

  34. [img]http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5219/5486885536_d80d8c1d15.jpg[/img]

  35. I’ve always wanted to try one of these new fangled memes! Am I doing this right?

  36. Where the hell was Jack Nicholson last night? Not ONE Jack-reaction shot!!! Come on Oscar.

  37. What was wrong with Natalie Portman, Gabe? Was it that she won? She was AMAZING in Black Swan, no? Absolutely fantastic performance, and a well deserved win, IMO. If that’s not what was wrong, then what? Her speech? She thanked CAMERA OPERATORS BY NAME! That’s a nice thing for a movie star to do, you gotta admit.

    I don’t know, its just confusing that you threw Natalie into that rant, that’s all. I like her.

  38. I’m just gonna leave this here…

  39. I love oscar award ..i watch every award but.. oscar award is my favorite..
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