Well, a lot has happened since last we spoke. For one thing, Two and a Half Men has shut down production for the rest of the season. Heartbreaking, I’m sure. The reason for the immediate change in strategy, despite all of Charlie Sheen’s previous bold and courageous attempts to get himself fired/killed, was a radio interview that he did yesterday, and HOLY MOLY, if you haven’t listened to it yet, you must listen to it. We’ll wait. What a coconut! There are some really great segments, like his discussion of the tattoo that he got in his private movie theater while watching Apocalypse Now, and also his blistering(ly retarded) assault on Two and Half Men creator Chuck Lorre, who he continuously refers to as “Hymie Lorre,” which is neat. (Hey, remember this?) Also his use of the word “gnarlies.” Since the radio interview, Charlie has already challenged Chuck Lorre to fight him in a cage, and also issued a formal letter in which he talks about his “fire-breathing fists.” Eek! Even your wonderful disguise probably can’t help you now, Charlie Sheen!

Obviously, we will all continue to follow this exciting and IMPORTANT news story, but for now, let’s relive the magic of yesterday’s radio interview with this collection of the 19 best Charlie Sheen quotes which you maggot trolls with your ugly lives probably can’t even wrap your stupid minds around buh bye:

  • “People are mystified by this odyssey that refuses to quit calling itself Charlie Sheen.”
  • “Winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning. Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry, man, didn’t make the rules. Oops!”
  • “I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.”
  • “I’m so tired of pretending my life isn’t perfect and bitching and just winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin’.”
  • “Look what I’m dealing with, man, I’m dealing with fools and trolls.”
  • “It’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee, because I don’t have time for these clowns.”
  • “They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say “I CAN’T PROCESS IT,” well, no, you never will, just stop trying. Sit back and enjoy the show.”
  • “You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s life.”
  • “Check it, Alex, I embarrassed (Two and a Half Men creator, Chuck Lorre) in front of his children and the world by healing at a rate that his unevolved mind can’t process.”
  • “I’m sorry man, I got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps. I’m an F-18, bro.”
  • “Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Winning. Buh bye.”
  • “I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. It’s over. There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”
  • “There are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper.”
  • “I don’t live in the middle anymore. That’s where you get slaughtered. That’s where you get embarrassed. From the prom queen.”
  • “The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”
  • “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”
  • “I dare anyone to debate me on things.”
  • “I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”
  • “If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”

Cramazing. If Charlie would just throw ONE Holocaust denial in there I think he could oust Mel Gibson as the mayor of Crazy Town on Foursquare!

Comments (93)
  1. “Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn’t make the rules. Oops.”

    What rhymes with winning? Hmm….oh right, “spinning (into madness).” Got it.

  2. Internet, I am so dissappointed with you right now…Where is the mash up of Charlie Sheen and Mel Gibson tapes?!

  3. “If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.” – Charlie Sheen proposing marriage to his interviewer

  4. he’s right about one thing: thomas jefferson was a pussy.

  5. I don’t see a single quote from Hot Shots on this list.

  6. Charlie Sheen didn’t get the memo that “I’m not There” was fake. Found it inspiring.

  7. Did anyone read the open letter?

    “I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.”

    Two and a Half Men > Libya, Egypt, Wisconsin, etc.

    • My favorite open letter excerpt:

      “Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists”

      Although, Charlie, I wouldn’t be quick to count Mr. “Hiam Levine,” down and out for the count. Earthworms are known for their generative powers.

  8. That’s a lot of quotes. I hope he doesn’t get Charlie horse.

  9. See, I never watched “Two and a Half Men” because, frankly, it looked insipid and not at all funny. But this? Comedy gold!

  10. Am I the only one who is LOVING Charlie Sheen here? He’s like an incredibly crazy, mean-spirited uncle that your entire family is ashamed of. Of whom your entire family is ashamed (this uncle also ends sentences with prepositions). Plus, sure, he’s crazy and belligerent and possibly anti-semitic, but let’s not lose focus of who he’s attacking. Chuck Lorre currently makes his living on shows that make fun of fat people and nerds, and glamorize an alcoholic womanizer. He’s pretty much a copy of Mike Dexter. Chuck Lorre is an asshole. If it’s going to come down to Sheen vs. Lorre, I’ll take balls-out crazy.

    • Agreed. I would watch Jaws on a boat with Gnarly Sheen

    • I hope you mean ‘Can’t Hardly Wait’ Mike Dexter and not Astronaut Mike Dexter!!!

    • Nah, taco I’m loving it too! I love all the two and a half men fans who are all upset, WAIT, you mean he’s acting just like his character in REAL LIFE? He’s been pulling this shit since the mid-nineties, I have no idea why anyone remains shocked by his words or actions. It must just be really weird to have all that money, if I was in his situation I’d probably fuck with people too. I think he’s been trying the, lets see how much crazy shit I can pull and still get paid thing, and I am loving every minute!

  11. “I’m sorry man, I got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps. I’m an F-18, bro.”

    I feel the most magic when I’m napping, too. I don’t think there’s anything weird about this statement.

    • But really, the best one is “There are parts of me that are Dennis Hopper.” Because I imagine the two of them lying side by side in some mad scientist’s basement swapping brains and/or limbs.

      • That’s exactly what I thought too! Wasn’t there a Seinfeld where Jerry got some of Kramer’s blood as a transfusion and was so mortified?

  12. You can’t process it Gabe!

  13. When reached by phone to explain the rambling interview, Charlie Sheen’s publicist replied, “[GUNSHOT].”

  14. I fixed it, you guys.

    “I got magic cocaine and I’ve got poetry more cocaine in my fingertips bloodstream, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps. I’m an F-18 coke-fueled airplane, bro.

  15. “The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.” is the new “I’m high on life.”

  16. True Story: Chuck Lorre, or “Chaim Jewface,” as Charlie Sheen calls him, wrote the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” theme. Look it up.

  17. i think i will be stitching “I cured it with my brain.” onto a throw pillow this weekend….

  18. I’m just loving the phrases and idioms he casually throws out that are so alien to me and maybe don’t even exist as things.

    “Like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn’t lie.”
    “What we have is a marriage of the heart.”
    “He might be nails, but I’m bayonets.”

    It’s weird when someone else’s manner of speaking is so different from yours. It’s so strange!

  19. “You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s life.”

    Is that so?

  20. Charlie, I beg you, please, OPEN A CAFEPRESS SHOP RIGHT NOW. I will pre-order every goddamned t-shirt your gorgeous brain can conceive.

  21. Gabe’s clip doesn’t include the beginning of the interview when Sheen demands that Barrack Obama (“B-O”) answer his simple questions about 911. It really gives the crazy a certain je ne sais quoi…

  22. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zR3b6x9iqDc

    People rejoice as Two and a Half Men shuts down.

  23. “I’ve never seen you… so energized as you are now.” – A radio personality pretending not to know what cocaine does.

    It’s a helluva drug by the suitcase full!

  24. So…no more Two and a Half Men for the rest of season? See kids, drugs aren’t all bad.

    • I would like to add that, had Two and a Half Men featured Sheen’s alchemy powers and his fire-breathing fists, I probably would have been a loyal viewer.

  25. “there are parts of me that are dennis hopper.”

    what a coincidence. there are parts of me that are persons much more talented commentators than myself. sometimes i see a little bit of thisismynightmare…at other times i see a little bit of that one.

  26. This is kind of weird,to me but I don’t think it is in any way significant:

    It’s just the first thing I thought when I saw the picture.

  27. I love this quote: “Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold.”

    Charlie Sheen – the modern day Rumplestiltskin.

  28. He is clearly not winning because this is not how you jack your strat.

  29. The guy interviewing Charlie thinks Justin Bieb(l)er is a puppet attempting to get your kids to submit to the NEW WORLD ORDER and forces of globalization:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8WhT9BwpRs

    Bieber is definitely not a GNARLY GNARLERSON.

  30. Dude is royalty: The Duke of Gnarlington.

  31. Also: Any chance we can get this radio interview optioned for development as a sitcom? I heard there’s a slot open on Monday nights. #twcss

  32. If you replace most of the words in the interview with “cocaine”, it makes more sense.

    “Charlie, you sound like you’re on cocaine right now.”
    “Nails got it right, man, I am on cocaine right now.”

    “Charlie, I hear so often about how behind the scenes, you donate so much money, everyone just tells me you’re on cocaine.”

    “My new tattoo? Oh yeah, man, it’s gonna be pure… cocaine.”

    I should point out that I’m maybe 10 minutes into the whole thing.

  33. The bible grippers… the bible grippers.

    My new band name.

  34. This post and your comments fellow Monsters have just MADE my Friday. You are all astronauts.

    • “You are all astronauts” might be my new catchphrase. (Or “You are an astronaut” when there is only one person who has impressed me.)

  35. Does anyone think any of these two morons have actually read Heart of Darkness?

    And Alex Jones’ voice is half regular human voice, and half tracheotomy.

  36. So, I’m new here (I’m not new here, I’ve been trolling (fooling?) around on here for weeks, ever since the post about Gwyneth the Worst’s advice to working moms)) and I just want to say that, except for the possibility that I could get fired for laughing so loud in my office, I love this site and all of you monsters are hilarious. I’ve read every single WMOAT post and I live for the Top Chef re-caps and Thursday Night TV open threads. Just wanted to say thanks! (except if I get fired.) <3

  37. Drugs?


    Are you in here for drugs?

  38. Charlie is calling him Chaim Levine, which Chuck Lorre has implied is his real name (http://www.chucklorre.com/index-2hm.php?p=327). So Sheen isn’t necessarily anti-semetic? But you wonder why is he making a big deal about Chuck Lorre changing his name when Charlie Sheen’s real name is Carlos Estevez, right?

    Just kind of weird. Also, I am glad this horrid show will be gone, but it’s kind of sad that a lot of people will be out of work for a while because of some delusional idiot.

  39. “I don’t live in the middle anymore. That’s where you get slaughtered. That’s where you get embarrassed. From the prom queen.”
    …I think he says “In front of the Prom Queen.” It’s important we get this transcript right…Because Seth McFarlane is gonna animate the whole thing and call it an episode of some fucking thing.

  40. You missed this one, again referring to Lorre.

    “I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon”

    Here’s hoping “wind up in my octagon” becomes a meme

  41. For me, my favorite quote was “I don’t sleep. I wait.”

    So…Charlie Sheen is so coked up he thinks he’s Chuck Norris. Fantastics.

  42. I think the real question is this: Which came first? Going crazy and becoming friends with Alex Jones or becoming friends with Alex Jones and going crazy.

  43. “I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”
    This sounds like something Dwight from The Office would say…

    • These quotes ALL sound a little bit Dwight-ish:

      “I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.” That’s Dwight.
      “I dare anyone to debate me on things.” Totally Dwight.
      “I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. It’s over. There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.” SO DWIGHT.

      So, is Charlie Sheen’s “I’m crazy now” personality Dwight Schrute? Seriously? If so, I have a new favorite celebrity meltdown.

  44. “It’s genuine and it’s crystal and it’s pure and it’s available to everybody.” – Charlie Sheen talking about the philosophy found in Apocalypse Now, or Charlie Sheen making a Freudian slip while talking about the philosophy found in Apocalypse Now.

  45. Yeah, go ahead and play the “anti-semite” card. But remember, an anti-semite is someone who hates/attacks semitic people, which includes palestinians.

    Charlie loves Thomas Jefferson, and you are quoting him out of context.

  46. Emilio Estevez, this is your shot! This is your way back in!

  47. DaVinci shirts stands strongly beside Charlie Sheen and his “Signature Collection” of shirts. Check it out:http://www.globalrebels.com/davinci/

    WINNING.

  48. I’m greatly looking forward to ending all of my future stories with “BOOM. That’s the whole movie. That’s life.”

  49. found charlie sheen quotes on t-shirts here – http://www.charlie-sheen-t-shirts.com

  50. http://www.charliesheensays.com – A site dedicated to all charlie sheen quotes.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.