Photos
UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. What WAS that? I know it wasn’t a movie, so now the trick is to figure out what it actually was. I know it wasn’t a joke, because jokes are funny. It theoretically could have been a hoax, except that for something to be a hoax, people have to believe for at least one second that it was real, but this thing was obviously so fake for months before it even came out that it’s not really one of those either. It wasn’t a documentary, because it was fake, and also even if it was real it probably still wouldn’t have been a documentary, because a documentary, at least as far as I am concerned, should be ABOUT something. It was definitely TOO LONG. I know that. An hour and 45 minutes? Seriously? For what amounts to an insufferable, egomaniacal, self-indulgent, intellectually bankrupt inside joke that could not possibly have actually even been funny to the three people who would have gotten it in the first place? No. Some of us have lives to lead, Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck. Oh man, if I was Facebook friends with you I would block you so hard right now!
Short version: So, a couple years ago Joaquin Phoenix claimed that he was retiring from acting and pursuing a hip hop career, and supposedly his friend (and brother-in-law?) Casey Affleck was going to document the whole thing, but it was obviously fake the whole time and now there is this big, long, terrible, stupid, boring, fake thing to prove it the end. Long version:
Unlike most of the previous entries in The Hunt, there isn’t much of a synopsis to give. The movie just features endless mockumentary sequences in which Joaquin Phoenix’s hair gets longer and his beard gets full of food-ier and he keeps trying to talk to Diddy about producing his supposed rap album and having tantrums intercut with clips of the nightly entertainment shows wondering whether it is real or not? It’s not. Obviously. But even if the question of whether it’s real or fake is embarrassingly easy to answer, there remains another question: WHAT IS THE POINT?!
I mean it! I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I’m not sure! Like, at first I thought maybe it was supposed to be a commentary about the self-entitlement and over-indulgence of celebrities. But, the only thing more self-entitled and over-indulged than a celebrity who is having some kind of implosive melt-down is a celebrity who is having a FAKE implosive melt-down. How insulting! I’m all for performance art (wait, no I’m not. Not at all! But maybe sometimes kind of in very specific circumstances and always in moderation) but this isn’t that. For one thing: MORE LIKE SNOREFORMANCE ART! Doing cocaine off of a hooker’s tits? Dude. I am pretty sure that the editors of the Cliche Encyclopedia decided not to include that because the “Too Obvious” section was all full up. There is a part where someone takes a shit on his face while he’s sleeping, I guess, but if you are going to make a fakey fake movie at 24 fakes a second try and get the guy who shits on the other guy’s face NOT TO START LAUGHING WHEN THE GUY YELLS AT HIM.
If it’s not a commentary on how celebrities are out-of-touch nightmares, insofar as the people who made it expected us to actually believe it, then is the point supposed to be that we are supposed to actually care about Joaquin Phoenix’s hip hop journey? Are we supposed to think that he is brave for putting his career on the line in order to pursue his passion? Because about that: NO. Near the end, during one of his very stupid Miami nightclub performances, he is rapping on stage and has a fake staged argument with someone in the audience in which he berates him for being poor while Joaquin is rich. Yuck. Also: what? Is the point of the movie to get us to just hate the shit out Joaquin Phoenix? Because if that is the case then this movie should be called GO AWAY! Get it? BECAUSE THEY DID IT!
What it “is” is clearly a thing that Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck drunkenly thought up one night in a “dudes only” hot tub. This has drunken, giggly, “wouldn’t that be hilarious” written all over it. Too bad those dudes have no idea what the word “hilarious” means! Dudes, there is a dictionary app for your assistant’s iPhone, have her download it! The fact that Casey Affleck famously caved like the final resting place of One-Eyed Willie’s treasure as soon as the movie came out only makes it all the more confusing. He was even APOLOGETIC! If that isn’t the epitome of artistic failure, to so whole-heartedly abandon your work. It almost breaks your heart, if your heart is a stupid piece of shit. The fact that the dude who made the thing couldn’t be bothered to care enough about it (whatever it even IS, because let’s not forget we still don’t know!) is the final insult. Especially because he seemed to think he was setting the record straight? The record was straight. What you actually owe everyone is an apology!
At the very least Diddy deserves an apology. I’m sure that if there truly is honor among thieves then there is also honor among over-indulged ego-maniacs, and it’s not so much that I’m worried that Diddy feels like his time was wasted or that he was made a fool of. If anything he comes off really well in the movie. He’s pretty honest with Joaquin Phoenix (OR IS HE?!) about how much his music stinks. The reason that they owe Diddy an apology is for the simple fact that no single human being should be forced under any circumstances to give their imprimateur to this disgusting disaster even if their faces are the best part.
That is probably the best review of this movie you will ever read.
So stupid. Such a waste of time. Also: infuriating! It has no point and is painfully unclever. Joaquin Phoenix is kind of a good actor, but this is easily his worst role ever. He should fire himself. Casey Affleck should go to jail. Netflix should send me a check for an hour and 45 minutes. And just in case, let’s sink Hollywood into the ocean just in case another one of these “people” gets one of their “ideas.”
Next week: Remember Me. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.
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FIRST!
Joaquin Phoney-ix is a disgrace to good, honest, bearded men everywhere!
DAMN IT
Even after all that, I’d still do him.
(with a condom of course)
Better double bag it.
Joaquin Phoenix and gay.
Obviously this is how Gabe feels about the movie:
“There is a part where someone takes a shit on his face while he’s sleeping”
“Guys, can we wait until AFTER the movie comes out before we start getting your reviews.” — Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck
I liked the part where that one guy poops on him.
Is it just a coincidence that the first day after “Guest Blogger week” the WMOAT is “I’m Still Here”? And on top of that, next week’s is “Remember Me.”
I’m starting to worry about Gabe, you guys.
Joaqumentaries are always super boring.
What a Joaquing asshole.
Joaqua joaqua joaqua!!!
I enjoyed his performance in Joaq the Line.
Hey, guys, c’mon, Leaf Mr. Phoenix alone.
Well done, Bing. Well done.
Neo: I thought it wasn’t real…
Morpheus: Your mind makes it real.
Neo: So if I believe that Joaquin Phoenix quit acting to become a rapper it makes it real?
Morpheus: Don’t be ridiculous.
Well great, now I have the Wendy’s tune in me head!
Documentaries are my favorite types of movies and even I gotta say this was fucking boring.
The only good part of the movie is the part of the film where they show Joaquin’s appearance on Letterman. It’s good because Dave does in 5 minutes what these two assholes failed to do in a year; make an interesting interview dealing with self important assholes. My theory is that this film was supposed to be a commentary about a celebrity obsessed culture, but it just comes off as a couple of guys being dicks. Being weird doesn’t make you interesting. My theory is that Phoenix and affleck decided to make this film based on Joaquin’s resemblance to Zack Galifainakis.
Diddy actually comes off well compared to the protagonist, which is a herculean task that this movie somehow manages to pull off. In fact they managed to make everyone but themselves seem pretty reasonable, which in my opinion is the opposite of what a good mockumentary does. Ali G must be rolling over in his grave.
I appreciate this movie, if only because it allowed me to fully use my beard in my halloween costume as Joaquin Phoenix instead of every other year when I either have to shave it or go as “young steve zissou”
I think this is the most sorry I’ve ever felt for Gabe after reading one of the WMOAT reviews. This “movie”=yuck.
I’m not attempting to come off as any sort of movie snob, but it’s another week, another movie I didn’t see. I can honestly count on one hand the number of WMOATs that I’ve seen. Can I just sense the worstness that these things exude? Thereby avoiding the pain and ughs? Or am I the one wasting my weekends at Bergman and Antonioni parties when I could be having a good MST3K chuckle with like-minded snarkies watching Johnny Mnemonic?
P.S. Johnny Mnemonic is in my Netflix queue thanks to Gabe’s review.
Joel’s reaction to having to watch I’m Still Here:
I have been getting the impression that a lot of the nominations for WMOAT have been put forward not because people thing they’re actually the worst movie, but because the nominators “just want to hear Gabe’s take on it.”
While this can end in a funny review sometimes, it seems to be missing the point of the feature, and I much prefer it the reviews of genuinely terrible movies.
I enjoy this feature immensely and I always read through them even though I’ve usually never seen any of these films. I guess I just feel like I miss out on the camaraderie and collective catharsis that results from recalling that one awful time when the only movies on the flight were The Lake House or Valentine’s Day.
I do think the hunt serves both purposes, though. Some truly appalling films are reviewed, saving my eyes and ears from having to endure the pain, and Gabe gets to make funnies about disposable celeb fodder and we keep making those trusty LOLk deposits, regardless of whether or not the film in question is truly “the worst of all time.” I think it’s win-win.
Could you repost that image in a higher resolution? I want to see if you have any porn in your tabs.
enhance.
Performance art is when you have your friend shoot you in the arm with a rifle. No, it’s when you crucify yourself to the top of a car. No, it’s when you gnaw on a big block of chocolate. No, lard. No, it’s when you stomp around your studio. Wait, I have no clue what performance art it. It all kinda blows.
upvote for Chris Burden reference!
Performance Art = I Could Do That = Yeah, But You Didn’t
In New York last year there was a famous performance artist Marina Abramovich who just sat in a chair for several weeks and you got to sit across from her. It was actually really nice.
no, it’s when you guest star on General Hospital! duh!
Sometimes I think actor’s are lucky they can’t take away Oscars like athletes can have titles and awards taken away. #deepthoughtswithJackHandey.
I also think English majors are lucky they can’t have their degrees taken away for bad grammar.
*actors
Check it, monsters:
Gabe discussing the WMOAT on radio: http://tinyurl.com/4ccrwv2 (via @murraynmitch).
Also, the complete list of WMOAT: http://mobfd.blogspot.com/2010/11/worst-movie-of-all-time-complete-list.html
I love it. That was a lot of fun.
AH. Gabe’s voice is weird… or at least not what I expected. Now I can’t remember what the voice in my head sounds like when I read Gabe’s articles.
WMOAT: Fish in a Barrel Edition
I don’t know these guys or much about them, but I admire their willingness to make something that was fun for them, knowing it would probably be universally panned. To me, makes them more likable than the nauseatingly serious, non-risk-taking shitheads that populate the A-list. Whether it needed to actually be released is another discussion. It’s not the worst movie of all time. It’s not even the worst JP movie of all time. (he was in Clay Pigeons, you know)
Agreed, I’m in the minority on this one too, I guess. My friends sound like Gabe (and by friends I mean people I leer at in line for RedBox) ..They all say “what’s the point.. etc..” I don’t think entertainment has to have a point other than to entertain. Watching Justin Beiber get shot by CSI serves the same purpose as watching Joaquin Phoenix parody himself spiraling out of control. Of course it’s a fake, so is Santa Clause.. are we demanding strict credibility from Hollywood now?
Shakespeare it ain’t, but I found myself wanting to see how far they’d take it for the sake of intentionally pushing boundaries, however pointless. Entertainment is subjective, huh Keenan?
That’s Kel.
Insert that’sracist dot gif here.
whoa! careful with the R word there.. i mix up white people from awful movies too.. Tango and Cash, Pete & Pete, those guys from the Double Dragon movie, Mac and Me…wait that one I’m pretty sure the kid is Me. Pretty sure.
Don’t worry, head pants now. I don’t actually think you’re a racist! I mostly just like that gif.
I don’t think they ever realised it would be universally panned. I think the entire premise was the world going ‘wha? THE Joaquin Phoenix has gone crazy!’.
Cocaine. Hell of a drug etc…
Oof. This sounds terrible. But I bet it’s not worse than…
Please support my campaign to get Australia in for the next round. Good night, and good luck.
More like I’m Still Here-rible!
I actually liked this movie. It has its holes (that’s what she said!) but overall I thought it amused me in a kind of gross out humor kind of way. I watched it with an open mind and I think when watching movies you have to know that they all can’t be art. Sometimes they can be fun! Or even gross! Or even absurd! I know that in the Hunt, Gabe pokes fun at honestly horrible movies and some aren’t even that horrible, they just have their moments. It’s a matter of taste. We can’t all like Dr. Pepper.
I didn’t watch ‘I’m Still Here’ for the purpose of being wowed or to see a great rap documentary, I saw it for the purpose of being amused, and it did it’s job. It’s a court jester in a see of endlessly serious documentaries.
At first I was all
But then I was like
i also thought we would be getting a review of i’m not there.
i’m not there is so terrible! i don’t know if it’s more terrible than i’m still here, but it’s bad. very very bad.
I thought so too. I refused to read it because I didn’t want to see Gabe talking bad about my former celebrity crush Heath Ledger. But out of boredom today at work I decided to read it, and I am relieved.
Running with Scissors. It’s.got.Gwyneth.
It also has a ‘masterbatorium’ Which makes it amazing.
A parody of this movie starring John C. Reilly would be pretty funny.
I like that this movie did a short stint at Art House theatres in Pittsburgh, and then they were even like “NOPE” and it went straight to netflix…streaming.
This is the only comment I posted today. I totally wiffed on gumming today.
#unrelatedtopost
Bravo, Gabe. Nail, you’ve just been hit on the head. Hard.
What’s your bit?
Glenn Beck? Is that you? You hating this movie is apparently something we can agree on!
That Mos Def sure is handsome!
That’s what I took away from this review.
SWAAAAAG
Dear All, Please give your late night votes to the campaign for Synedoche, New York for WMOAT.
Endless
Grey
Bizarre, and yet still dulling, solipsistic (I know this was the point, but stil) and about as enlightening and stimulating as bathing in a tub full of Novocaine jam while watching a slide show of theatre sets.
Dear Gabe,
Please accept my nomination of Synecdoche, New York for WMOAT. As stated in previous WMOAT posts, I actually love this movie, but a lot of people disagree (I won’t name names, they’ll probably speak up for themselves). It could be considered a Videogum hot debate (NEVER FORGET). In addition to meeting ALL of the WMOAT rules, please accept this small .gif to entice your decision:
Thank you and peace be upon you,
cakeordeath
I hope Gabe heeds your call, mostly because it must suck spelling Synedoche all the time.
It should have been a documentary about Joaquin growing that big, bushy beard. Missed opportunity, bros-in-law.
1. i think this movie was a commentary on celebrity and how the media and public address it… we all laugh when we see a celebrity act weird because theyre on drugs. but i think the laughter would be replaced with an uncomfortable feeling when you realize the downward slope they got on to get to that point. which was my reaction when we got to the point of the dave letterman appearance scene. it was funny when it happened in real life and the audience was cracking up, but in the context of the movie, its really awkward and the crowd laughing is just so out of place.
2. the reason why it had to at least seem real up to the point of being released was that otherwise the public and media wouldnt address it at all. a lot of the movie deals with how joaquin is portrayed by tv and other people. those scenes wouldnt exist if everyone knew for certain it was a lie. they wouldnt cover it at all. the dave letterman appearance wouldn’t have been possible if dave and the audience knew it was a hoax.
3. some people weren’t in on it. some people were. diddy was in on it. no apologies necessary. he was acting in a movie.
4. this is by far NOT joaquin’s worst performance. its one of his best performances. no doubt.
I hereby nominate a movie I saw last night on cable, and hadn’t seen since I was 12. Pearl Harbor. I suppose it’s only redeeming quality is the Michael Bay-ness of the battle scenes, but other than that it’s just kind of a disgrace to America.
But Ben Affleck is a dream boat!
“You’re doing it wrong.”
I’m with gobblegirl. I mean, if we’re truly hunting for the worst movie of all time, how is it possible that we’ve seen neither hide nor hair of Must Love Dogs? (Woof!) (Get it?!)
Please, Gabe? The plot synopsis of that movie alone will be worth its weight in LOLs. (John Cusack’s a boat builder, see, but he can’t part with his boats. Even though people are beating down the door to buy his boats!)
I learned everything I need to know about the self-entitlement and over-indulgence of celebrities from Bret Easton Ellis novels.
Yikes, sorry for the hipster college student comment. Never happen again.
I nominate Welcome to Mooseport for WMOAT.
Unfortunately I watched this movie (ouch), but I’m skeptical that Diddy wasn’t ‘in on it’. It seemed like just a bunch of bad acting on his part, mostly.
Also, Ben Stiller was so obviously playing a ‘Ben Stiller the actor’ character, that I actually found that scene semi-amusing. SEMI.
as per usual, me nominate Stranger than Fiction and Irreversible. the former is just the worst, and the second is also the worst but in a much more powerful way that I will not bother going into elaboration on since I have in the past. I also plan on nominating (STAY TOONED FOR REAL) some movie with Randy Quaids brother and 40 Days and 40 Nights boring guy where they’re father and son communication from beyond the grave via CB radio or something. I watched it on HBO once and it was stunning in it’s insatiable appetite for being the craziest thing ever, but yeah, I forget the name.
“great story, would read again” -that editor at Yankee magazine that stopped replying to me a few months ago.
The movie is called Frequency. It’s preposterous, but somehow not WMOAT-level for me. But hey, different hatred of movies for different folks! Nominate away!
i know its too early for me to recommend this, but im looking forward to seeing The Adjustment Bureau on this hunt. That was the worst piece of fedora hat garbage ive ever seen…ever
The magic IS the fedora!
Doesn’t “I’m Still Here” break rule #1 for WMOAT nominations?