Wait for the kick! Get it, guys? Inception joke. Joseph Gordon-LOVE IT! Something something hangnail. Black Swan! Seriously, though, is Natalie Portman in all the movies now? Is that what’s happening? It’s OK, I just want to know. She is, yes? Yes. There is a poster for Best Sex Friends, that movie she just did with Ashton Kutcher, in my local subway station, and someone wrote “SELL OUT BITCH” on her face with a marker, which always makes me laugh. Uh, pretty sure Natalie Portman has been a movie star since she was three years old or whatever. I guess I’m just surprised that it was not until just now that she finally abandoned that dude’s idea of her as a paragon of anti-corporate artistic integrity. Did Princess Amidalla have a regular column in Burn Collector or something? (“Me so lovey diving-dumpsters!,” says Jar Jark Bonks.) Anyway, this looks pretty good, even if I have no idea what it is about. I mean, yes, sadness, and swirlies, and shaving, and prison tattoos, and treating children like adults if you are also really awful to adults. Oh, and house explosions? Got it. Being white is hard & fun.