No. I don’t love everything about Jessica Alba. The ONLY thing I love about her is her home decorating style. Here is my SSN: 420-69-1776.

Love, Gabe Liedman

Thanks for the tip, Brian!

Comments (44)
  1. Her interior decorating is pretty.

  2. Do you know what her house is because you’re in her bushes?
    True Life I’m A Stalker casting now

  3. I would do this, if I could also make Jessica Alba’s house look like mine

  4. Replace “house” with “genitals” and “look just like” with “be inside”, and I’m in. Literally, hopefully.

    Okay, that might have been gross.

  5. “Her curtains are pretty.” –Steve Winwood

  6. And here I was thinking I’d never have another chance to use my “dreams becoming reality” GIF.

  7. The tile in the bathroom is cgi (remember….from the Machete scandal? no. good)

  8. So her living room is wallpapered with shark posters, right?

  9. FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room is designed to look like the inside of Stanley Tucci’s ribcage.

    • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room floor is a pit full of broken glass and arrowheads.

      • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room contains only the scent of elephant tears and a soft, distant hum.

        • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room is a replica of the trash compactor from “Star Wars”. It is where she likes to “get smashed.”

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room contains the largest collection of human eyes in the United States.

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba has never been in her own living room, but she has heard tell of it many times, sitting around a bonfire at camp.

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room is haunted by the ghosts of both William Jennings Bryan and a pencil sharpener.

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room was used during the Civil War as a Confederate hospital. Jessica Alba has tried to keep quiet her involvement with the CSA and is part of the reason she has not run for public office.

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room is sentient and when ever she walks through, it groans in pain because she has very sharp toenails.

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room is the only place on Earth where the Bible does not apply. However, the Articles of Confederation are still good there.

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room smells like strawberries all the time, no matter how many human sacrifices she makes over the blood stained hearth.

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room is the final resting place for Jimmy Hoffa, D.B. Cooper and Ambrose Bierce.

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room is guarded by a dragon, but the dragon is small and sufferers from crippling arthritis, so it isn’t really that hard to get in.

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room is a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

          • ……………..more?

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room supports the House GOP’s violent and misogynistic anti-woman agenda. Unfortunately, no one has told Jessica Alba this or she would probably not spend so much time in there, watching television.

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room was once a blood thirsty European dictator who wore a coat made of human hair. However, the economy has forced it to get a second job as a living room.

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room has an event horizon like a black hole and anyone innocently entering the room is tore apart as he or she crosses it. Jessica Alba knows this, but says nothing about it to her guests.

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room dated George Clooney in the late 80s and mistakenly thought they would get married.

          • FUN FACT: Jessica Alba’s living room was the inspiration for Brad Garrett’s character on “Everybody Loves Raymond.”

          • they keep taking my upvotes away from you mans. It’s just not right. These are fantastic.

            also, more?

          • Now just replace “living room” with “genitals”, and I’m in. Literally, hopefully.

    • Oh.. so you’re saying Jessica Alba is just like the rest of us?

  10. Hi Soft Gabe! I’m excited you’re here and I’mma let you finish, but I need to get something off my chest first.

    Monsters! After yesterday’s rather charming visit from our new friend Brad, I caved to his relentless assault on our sensibilities and actually watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

    Let me be the one to set the record straight. It was awful! Like, so bad. And not so bad that it was good again, it was just mediocre and bland. It didn’t even have that many dog puns! If I’m watching a movie about talking dogs wearing human clothes and doing human things I’d at least expect them to go full retard and pile on the dog puns. The most frustrating thing about the movie is that it didn’t win an Oscar for best soundtrack, because any movie that uses “I’m Too Sexy”, “Bad to the Bone”, and Enrique’s “Hero” (and also, THIS) in 2008 needs to win all the fake Oscar categories. I don’t think I could even call it the best Chihuahua movie. That would be Mars Attacks.


    I know, I know, submit this to Duh Aficionado and wonder to yourselves what I possibly could have expected from BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA. But Brad needed to be exposed for the liar he is! Let the rest of you learn from my misfortune. Brad may be a charming bastard – but don’t believe his lies.

  11. Maybe you’ve seen photos of her living room or kitchen. Maybe you’ve posed as an electrician to gain access to her bedroom and steal some choice mementos. Maybe you’ve become so obsessed with her (reading interviews/watching behind the scenes features on her movies/going to the same clubs and restaurants that you hear she goes to) that you kind of know her home and decorating style without having to see a fucking photo.

  12. I bet she hangs tin cans.

  13. Jessica Alba’s style reality show came along right when I needed it the most

  14. Sometimes I worry that the things I find funny simple are not funny. Then I come across this Craigslist post, share it with Videogum, see it on the internet, and am SO VALIDATED RIGHT NOW! Thank you! I can eat my lunch without the lonely tears of self-doubt!

  15. err, I meant to say “Sometimes I worry that the things I find funny are simply not funny.” I just wanted everyone (winwood) to understand that I have a better grasp of grammar than that.

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