gabe: How can Mark Wahlberg be destroyed?
lindsay: Mark Wahlberg cannot be destroyed.
lindsay: He has been so hardened by the mean streets of South Boston.
gabe: he is invincible!
gabe: he should have been destroyed so many times
gabe: by his choices
gabe: by the choices he has made
lindsay: Like his huge fake penis in Boogie Nights
gabe: i’m pretty sure his huge fake penis in boogie nights
gabe: was the complete inspriation behind Medellin in entourage
gabe: the fake penis in boogie nights is what ruined vincent chase’s career

gabe: there but for the grace of god goes mark wahlberg
gabe: is it his face?
lindsay: He survived cutting off the head of a german shepard and pushing it (just the head) through a family’s doggie door in Fear.
gabe: what is the source of his power?
lindsay: His innocence.
gabe: his innocence?
gabe: that makes no sense whatsoever
lindsay: He’s so innocent that he had to push a german shepard’s head through a doggie door to be nominated for best villian at the mtv movie awards.
gabe: he was a child felon, he was marky mark, he was an underwear model, and he was in fear
gabe: THOSE WERE THE EARLY YEARS

lindsay: The tough little boy grew up to be a sweet, kindly man
gabe: sweetness
gabe: maybe
gabe: not innocence
gabe: his sweetness
gabe: he looks like he probably gives pretty good hugs
lindsay: Also he looks a little downsy
gabe: well that’s simultaneously offensive and not true
lindsay: people say that about a lot of people
gabe: hahah “people”
gabe: you mean you say that about a lot of people?
lindsay: He gave Reese witherspoon her first orgasm on a ROLLER COASTER using only his HAND:

lindsay: (that scene is hilarious)
gabe: you are just citing the movie fear the whole time with no context
lindsay: I know. It’s an amazing movie.
gabe: what is the point you are trying to make?
gabe: you are the sarah palin of this argument
lindsay: that mark wahlberg can do anything
gabe: i don’t think that fear is represntative of mark wahlberg’s current power
gabe: i think it really could have gone either way
gabe: with fear
gabe: that was mark wahlberg at his most vulnerable
gabe: so maybe that is what could destroy him
gabe: FEAR 2
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: He’s so strong he was able to resist making ocean’s 12
gabe: he can talk tough, but he has to be hurting inside on that one
gabe: because mark wahlberg in the ocean’s movie
gabe: would have meant a truly indestructible mark wahlberg
lindsay: No, Mark Wahlberg never hurts inside. He has his entourage around him at all times.
gabe: everybody hurts, lindsay
lindsay: It must be hard for Donnie

lindsay: having to be in Saw
lindsay: and dance around like an idiot with the new kids again
lindsay: mark wahlberg is weird
lindsay: because he’s not even good looking
lindsay: he’s just the most average kind of trashy-faced looking white guy
gabe: yeah
gabe: what couldn’t destroy donnie?
lindsay: Jigsaw?
gabe: hahaha
gabe: you should probably be a professor of Saw Studies
lindsay: Man
lindsay: if Mark saw this
lindsay: he would sure get his panties in a funky bunch
gabe: woof
lindsay: groan
gabe: yikes
lindsay: yeah that was the worst
lindsay: try to do worse than that
lindsay: you can’t
gabe: if mark wahlberg saw this
lindsay: it would be like running from the wind
gabe: he wouldn’t know what was the happening but it would cause him max payne
lindsay: hahaha
lindsay: if Mark saw this he would go to his nearest spa and get a Brazilian Job
gabe: last week’s SNL was actually a testament
gabe: to mark wahlberg’s power

gabe: because a parody of him
lindsay: Yeah, that’s true
gabe: just made people think
gabe: haha, i love mark wahlberg!
gabe: is that the case with any other parody on snl?
lindsay: hmmm, maybe christopher walken
lindsay: he’s the new christopher walken
gabe: but that’s him
gabe: that’s christopher walken palying himself
lindsay: you know, I suspect that Mark Wahlberg doesn’t have a sense of humor about that sketch.
lindsay: I think secretly he’s very angry about it
lindsay: because where he comes from
lindsay: the hard streets of Southie
lindsay: you don’t do that
lindsay: you get punched for doing that
gabe: so what you are saying
gabe: is that the only thing
gabe: that could destroy mark wahlberg
gabe: is the real mark wahlberg
lindsay: Yeah
lindsay: he bottles his deep anger within.
gabe: THE TRUTH
lindsay: While most actors would have loved being given a gigantic fake penis to wear in a movie
lindsay: I bet Mark still secretly seethes that he didn’t get to use his own.
lindsay: “It was big enough. It was almost big enough. Why couldn’t they have used it?”
gabe: haha
lindsay: He wakes up thinking that every day
gabe: no one can defend themselves from THE TRUTH

Comments (5)
  1. Jason Statham could destroy Mark Wahlberg
    OR, they could combine to create the most ass-kicking team of ass-kickingness in the history of ass-kicking.

  2. Ashley  |   Posted on Oct 11th, 2008 0

    OK, hold on movies, “Wild Horses” by The Sundays is absolutely the WORST song to use when filming a young woman being fingered on a roller coaster by creepy Mark Wahlberg. Unless the idea of a young woman being fingered on a roller coaster by creepy Mark Wahlberg is incredibly romantic to you. In that case we cannot be friends.

  3. Josh Rosen  |   Posted on Oct 11th, 2008 +1

    Simple:
    Whenever his agent calls and wants to recommend him for a part…the producer just says, “WHAT? But he’s that Mark Wahlberg piece of shit! Good Lord…!” and then just slam the phone down in disgust.
    Actually, that needs to be done for a lot of actors…

  4. Woah, the only thing that can destroy Mark Wahlberg is MARK WAHLBERG! That is so deep. Who knew Marky Mark was such an enigma!?

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