If you could have one thing for Valentine’s Day what would it be? Most people just want someone to love and a box of chocolates. I bet there is something you haven’t thought of that the visitors at Madame Tussaud’s in London have thought of. When asked what male celebrity they would most like to be pulled out of wax figure retirement, they said “Bruce Willis.” Now he is back on display and his head is being wiped plenty by this yellow cloth. Why is this nice young lady wiping his head? Is it because that bald head needs more shine? I am not quite sure, so why don’t you guys put a couple of captions together and we will go from there.

Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. (Image via The Best Week Ever.)

Comments (96)
  1. WAX ON, WAX OFF!

  2. The best part is that when you plug it in, it cries cheap vodka.

  3. But, to be honest, so does the real Bruce Willis.

  4. Better than botox.

  5. That is the real Bruce Willis and his head polisher Wanda.

  6. “I’d still hit it.” –Thisismynightmare

  7. The pigeons in the rafters of the Madame Tussaud’s wax figure warehouse just pulled a Dusky Panther on his head.

  8. “Stuck wiping Bruce Willis’ wax head on Valentine’s Day because I have no date…I wish I would just die hard!” -That Girl

  9. By the powers of Grayskull…

  10. Still looks better than this wax horror show.

  11. This life-size statue of Bruce Willis isn’t actually made of wax. That girl sculpted it for herself out of white chocolate and marzipan so she would have an understanding, sweet and shy companion for Valentine’s Day.

  12. His face still has more range of movement than Nicole Kidman’s.

  13. “Still better than my last job rubbing things out.”

  14. Future star of Hudson Hawk II.

  15. Rumer Willis has some weird daddy issues

  16. Ah, dignity.

  17. Still less wax used here then Demi Moore.

  18. Special 20th anniversary edition wax figure to follow:

  19. Get it spotless! I want to be able to see Ashton Kutcher’s reflection when we prop him and Demi right next to this guy.

  20. “When they said I’d have to polish a lot of dome to get ahead in Hollywood, this is not what I expected.” – This Girl

  21. Finally, something that actualizes Bruce Willis’ acting.

  22. Tourists pay to see this.

  23. That girl had better go The Whole Nine Yards when polishing his head. Otherwise she’ll be Red faced since I hear his head is Unbreakable. I need to be able to see the Moonlighting when I get back from my Blind Date. Don’t Cop Out.

  24. Done! Now, I’ll just set this over here by this space heater, and…

  25. Yippie Kai-yay, Madame Tussaud!

  26. I’m going to caption this with my FAVORITE line from Die Hard 2: “Hey guys, I’m a wax likeness of Bruce Willis that is being wiped by a yellow cloth in front of a lightly shimmering curtain.”

  27. Y’all need to trust me- that ain’t no wax figure up there. I worked with this cat on the set of Cop Out, and motherfucker looks JUST like wax. We used to joke that I should stick a lit piece of rope in his mouth and blow it out on my birthday, and he would laugh, but the dude got mad when I did it. That’s a double standard right there, Bruce. You can’t just laugh about being a candle and then get mad when you actually are a candle! This is 2011! Obama is president! Anybody can be candles, Bruce.

    • Tracy Morgan also remembers the time when two wax Bruce Willis figurines bought a combination A&W/KFC, and ran it successfully.

  28. I think now is the time to reveal to you all, the truth:

    When Bruce Willis was a young child, growing up in rural Illinois, he spent many days playing in the abandoned warehouses and factories that dotted the county. One afternoon, he broke into a building that he thought was just another empty building, ready for an afternoon of meaningless vandalism.

    However, he was wrong. Inside he found the lair of a mad scientist toiling away at some terrible machine that would leave the world a burnt waste. Young Bruce Willis, brimming with courage and pride fought the mad scientist bravely, yet, being a young boy with no military training, he was quickly overcome and the mad scientist killed him and threw the body into a vat of hot wax.

    Later, after the mad scientist gave up on his terror machine, realizing that he really was more interested in getting a law degree, Bruce Willis’s father found his son’s body, now entirely made of wax. How he came to find it is entirely too complicated to explain here. Let’s just say magic.

    The father brought the wax body home and wept and prayed over it, hoping God or George Washington would help young Bruce. It was to no avail. Finally, one day, in his grief, the father poured cheap vodka over the young wax boy’s face and with a sudden jerk, Bruce Willis rose to life again, more powerful than ever. The only sacrifice to the realm of the dead was the boy was now completely hairless.

    Today, in honor of his heritage, Bruce Willis dedicates this wax figure.

  29. Live Free or Wax Hard 4.0

  30. In related news, Cybill Shepherd’s drag queen impersonator was just named shift supervisor at the Oxnard McDonalds.

  31. RT @aplusk: Heard there was an artificial and waxy looking Willis down at Madame Tussauds, but just looked and the wife is still in the backyard grilling me a Boca burger. I LOVES EM!

  32. “Whose doll is this?”
    “It’s a wax figure, baby.”
    “Whose wax figure is this?”
    “It’s Willis.”
    “Who’s Willis?”
    “He’s got a shiny head, baby. He’s got a shiny head.”

    • “You might think your ass will age like wax. If you mean it’ll melt like a candle, you’re right. If you think it’ll be preserved for posterity in a museum, you’re wrong.”

  33. Hey Ashton? Ashton? I need you to do me a favor and get off the shed, k? Need you to be a buddy and get off the shed, k? Thanks.

  34. Yippie ki ugh.

  35. Stephen thinks he’s real funny, drawing a Gorbachev birthmark on the Bruce Willis sculpture. Whatever, at least I’m getting OT.

  36. Now Bruce WIllis knows what a doorknob feels like. #diehardreference

  37. GREAT – now we’ll never know what he was talkin’ bout.

    • You see his last name is Willis and back before any of you were born “What’choo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” was a running joke on a television show called Diff’rent Strokes. This show could not be streamed on Hulu from your Zune. All of its stars are long-since dead and those of us who remember it at all are dwindling in number as each day passes.

      “Good joke, Kel” – No one.

  38. “And when Alexander saw the breadth of his dome, he wept, for there were no more Tussaud’s to conquer.”

  39. Arm-rag-eddon

  40. “I see wax people.”

  41. Wax model of Ashton Kutcher to replace him in 2012.

  42. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  43. At that moment the Bruce Willis waxed figure gently took her by the hand. He turned to her, gazing deep into her real human eyes with his fake wax ones. He leaned in close and whispered: “You get three wishes, babe.”

  44. I give you cranial pleasure.

  45. “I know older men in comedy who can barely feed and clean themselves, and they still work” -Tina Fey

  46. Spruce Willis

  47. At night, high-pitched, nervous laughter could be heard echoing down the halls of the museum, interspersed with various mutterings about “taking the piss out of celebrities” and just “having a laugh”. In the morning, the same thing, painted on the heads of every wax figure: “Ricky Gervais was here”.

  48. I dont have a caption but here’s a joke I wrote today:

    What did George Michael say to the Star Wars Jukebox?

    I find your lack of Faith disturbing.

  49. Die Cast With A Vengenance

  50. SPOILER ALERT: He was actually wax the whole time.

  51. I live a couple blocks from the Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in Hollywood, and yesterday (I swear this is true) I was weaving through the snarl of tourists in front of it (I love tourist-watching) and two people from someplace Midwest (I am guessing) halted and stared at the sign in complete bafflement. “Muh-DAME Tuhn… Too…” the woman said. “MAD-aim Taff…. Tuff…” the man tried. Then she took a picture.

    There are so many LOLs and tears in Hollywood.

  52. blah blah.. wiping off meat juice.. blah

  53. I don’t want to close my eyes/I don’t want to fall asleep/’Cus I’m cleanin’ you baby/And I don’t want to miss a spot

  54. Intern #5 ensures that the Willis statue maintains an appropriate amount of manly sheen.

  55. The Waxification of a High School President

  56. So is this Bruce Willis’ wax figure of himself, or is he just standing next to his wax figure of a head-waxer. Either way, somebody’s got shitty taste in curtains.

  57. NOW I HAVE A CHAMOIS HO HO HO

  58. As Tiffany cleaned the wax model, she wondered how Jason Statham got into Madame Tussaud’s ahead of Justin Bieber. After much pondering, she decided it had something to do with Statham’s twelve-inch horsecock.

    Tiffany began to scrub the model a bit more vigorously. A few moments later, an accident at the Large Hadron Collider vaporized the Earth.

  59. “Yankee Candle-ay, motherfucker.” ~John McLame

    (Boooooo!)

  60. Bruce Willis should have known better than to take pictures of his personal assistant try-outs.

  61. this isnt what i meant when i said clean my head

  62. “And yet she’s too good to polish the candlesticks!”
    –Lucille Bluce

  63. I’m sorry, but who doesn’t love polishing their Bruce Willis?

  64. Another one of Brad Pitt’s 10000000$ pranks comes to life

  65. Demi Moore’s Personal Assistant misunderstands her request for a Polish sausage.

  66. FACT: The waxwork is 2 kilos heavier than the actual Bruce Willis. The reference for the model was taken before the part of Mr Willis’s brain that was selective about choosing films to appear in shrivelled and died.

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