It’s always really exciting when you get a sudden craving or burning desire for something that’s super attainable, like a hamburger. As you get older, or at least as I get older, I find that the things that I spend most of my time wishing for are much more difficult to acquire/achieve. I’m not talking about enlightenment or anything, but, like, if I suddenly want to be able to own my own home, or have a better face, I can’t just walk over to Burger King and get those things. A Whopper, however, is a whole different story. (There are, of course, people for whom indulging in their cravings is a genuine psychological health issue, and to those people I say that our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time, but if you will excuse me, I need to return to addressing the normal people now, thanks.) You want it and then you get it and it’s so happy-making! For a brief moment you actually had a goal that you knew could bring you happiness and you achieved that goal. It’s kind of great. I guess what I’m saying is that I wish they sold new episodes of Between Two Ferns at Burger King for moments when you just really want one. Because boy, do they ever hit the spot sometimes!

Comments (48)
  1. I wouldn’t mind being between Jennifer Aniston and Tila Tequila. Might need a shot of penicillin afterwards, though.

  2. Well, Zach, the state I would choose to blow up would be North Dakota. I mean, c’mon! Do we really even need that state?

    • The correct answer is Alaska. It has the lowest population density, thus making it the least lethal state to hit:

      Also, there’s a small chance it would hit Sarah Palin, so.

    • I’d go with West Virginia. ‘Cause I mean, really, no one GOES to West Virginia. You kind of travel through West Virginia. With the doors locked.

      (Unless any of you fine Monsters live in WV. I’d be sure to give you advanced notice, but your state is a lost cause…)

      • I’m pro-WV. Now, if you had a way of only blowing up the coal industry that has decimated the state, or some targeted missiles that would just blow up all the Mountain Dew that has decimated their teeth, then I’d be for that.

      • I was going to say Alabama (God, Guns and Guts), but I know of at least two great Monsters who live there, so I decided to spare their home.

    • Did you guys see this from a few weeks ago?


      (Yeah I spelled your name wrong name on purpose, jerk)

    • Montana, it’s always been Montana.

    • Frankly, any state that has a direction in its name should potentially be on the chopping block. (I’m looking at you, West Virginia… There’s no East Virginia, so you you justify yourself how again?)

    • i’m going to say nebraska. hear me out as i’ve thought long and hard about this. i spent the four years of my undergraduate education in nebraska. the city of lincoln is lovely for those who enjoy occasional nazi protests, hefty amounts of fried food (for instance, in the dormitory cafeteria we were once fed deep fried macaroni and cheese), and lots of not-so-subtle racism. i was recruited to go to nebraska from the state of new mexico. for those of you who have never ventured into the southwest, new mexico is dry and hot (lovely weather in fact!). nebraska manages to be both humid and -30 degrees. it was a jarring experience. during the summer you can not breathe as the thickness of the air is suffocating and in the winter you must wear six layers of clothing to class, thereby insuring the sweat stain on your back you hoped to avoid by carrying a messenger bag. the state is mainly populated with corn…if we were to blow it up our dependency on high fructose corn syrup would end and my mama would stop searching for it on the label of the foodstuffs she purchases. the people are somewhat agreeable and always down to drink a gallon of vodka or old style, so if push comes to shove i am pro-evacuation.

    • Monsters live in North Dakota too, TIMN. Freezing fucking cold monsters.

  3. It takes a special combination to get two pretty ladies and a fat dude on a stage and have the only one I want to hang out with be the fat dude.

  4. Jennifer Aniston seems to be scratching her head a whole lot, like she was wearing a wig or something. I’m not saying her hair is fake, I’m just saying I think MY “the Rachael” haircut had a bit more integrity than hers.

  5. Zack looks good with short hair and Tila looks stunning.

  6. Is it weird that i now like Tila Tequila more but my hatred for Aniston has only grown? #TeamJolie

  7. I honestly think Tila Tequila is the more interesting character of these two. Zach made a good move to focus on her. I’d volunteer to be on a fuel ship to assist their jet-ski circumnavigation of the globe.

  8. I support anything Zacky G does, of course, but can we all please leave Jennifer Aniston alone? I’d be hard-pressed to even remember any movies she’s been in over the last several years, much less any that would have actually been worth watching. Yet she is consistently in the tabloids. I don’t mind garbage gossip entertainment news, but can we please focus on actual entertainers? At this point, her entire career is built around being unloved, with her acting career coming in a distand second.

  9. Jennifer Aniston vs. Gwenyth Paltrow

  10. Imagine Andy Rooney reading this. That would be amazing.

  11. Arkansas. Destroy that fucking place.

  12. The contentious nature of this interview program made me uneasy.

  13. I just checked; Jennifer didn’t change her last name for show business. But Tila DID! Huh.

    :ends life:

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