I will say this about Splice: it is gross, and it is trash, and I didn’t really like it very much personally, but beyond that I’m not sure there is that much to say. It seems like some people really like this movie and some people really hate it, and both of those opinions, while fair enough in the way that all opinions are fair enough always, seem kind of exaggerated. Loving Splice is like loving Pitch Black. I mean, sure, love whatever you want, but you know that Pitch Black is stupid garbage, right? Meanwhile, hating Splice is like hating The Town. You “hate” The Town? Take it easy on The Town. There’s just no reason to hate The Town as much as you do. Admittedly, neither of these examples are quite as disgusting as Splice, nor do either of them feature a SPOILER ALERT genetic mutant monster rape in the haunted forest, but you get the point. All in all it just felt like the movie should probably change its name to Shrug. Or Trashy Shrug. Better.

That being said, let’s talk about it a little. Not too much. Just enough.

Splice is about two scientists and t-shirt collectors who are also boyfriend and girlfriend. They run a science lab called Nucleic Exchange Research & Development. Or, you know, N.E.R.D. (I guess the acronym B.O.O. was already taken.) Their job is to combine horse and plant DNA (or something? This part, like all of the science in the movie, and also all of the science on the TV show Fringe, is casually brushed off. I’m sure it’s based in some very serious reality, though, we’re probably just too STUPID to get it) to make these penis slug monsters that create proteins that can be used to treat sick cows. Honestly, I don’t really know. I think that’s their job? But they still live in a small apartment? Anyway, they tell their bosses at the pharmaceutical company that they’re ready to take things to the next level and splice their horse/bird/flower/bumblebee DNA with a human DNA. The parent company says no, because of morality. Hahha. There are a couple parts like this in the movie where someone’s just like “you have to think about the moral questions of doing this,” and then someone else is like “CTRL-ALT-DELETE!” Anyway, these two lovers are not about to stop their important research just because some SUIT tells them to, so they go back to the lab and put on their iTunes (seriously, there’s like a whole scene that is just them trying to pick the right playlist) and now they are ready to make a Splice baby. For about 10 minutes they can’t make one, but then they totally make one. Huh. That was easy enough. Congratulations! You are the two proud parents of a Splice!

Adrien Brody is like “We shouldn’t make a Splice for real, though,” and Sarah Polley is like “But I bought this Splice sized dress!”

Eventually the Splice gets really big and so they hide the Splice in a barn. Meanwhile, at the big investors presentation, the two penis slug monsters fuck each other with needles to death and spray Gallagher blood on all the SUITS and so now the project is being shut down and no one can get the medicines for the sick cows!!! (Apparently this happens because the penis slug monsters turn into boy penis slug monsters? So….SCIENCE?!) Meanwhile, Red Bull gives the Splice wings. Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley get into a fight because Adrien Brody has always wanted to have kids, but Sarah Polley was always kind of cagey on the subject, and now he’s like “The reason you’ve always been cagey is because YOU DIDN’T WANT A NORMAL BABY!” Hahah. Whoa! I didn’t know that was a thing, ladies. Do some of you reject the idea of sacrificing your careers and aspirations to be a mother of a boring old human baby, but welcome the thought of bringing a Splice into the world? As it turns out, Sarah Polley is a pretty weird mom, so maybe it’s best that her baby is a Jim Henson monster. Like, she straps her to a table and cuts off her stinger tail while wearing a leather butcher’s apron? (Oh, she has a stinger tail, btw.) Yikes. GET OUT OF MY BARN, MOM! Anyway, if there are any children in the room, please cover their eyes and ears and don’t ever teach them how to read or use a DVD player just in case, because what happens next is that Adrien Brody comes home and FUCKS THE SPLICE!!!!!! Yuuuuuuuck. That’s a dealbreaker, ladies! Sarah Polley walks in and catches him. Whoops! I hope they don’t break up? Just kidding, who cares if they break up? They’re both nightmares. I do like, though, that instead of apologizing, exactly, Adrien Brody explains that he fucked the Splice because “we changed the rules.” THAT IS ONE (ridiculous and disgusting) WAY TO SEE THINGS, SIR.

They make up (?) and go back to the barn, but the Splice is dead. So, they bury the Splice and immediately burn all of the Splice’s stuff in a fire, you know, like how parents are (post child-fuck? Good God with this movie now that I have to put it into words) but the Splice isn’t dead after all. It’s alive! But also it’s a boy Splice now? And instead of a (very fuckable) Splice vagina, it now has a very rape-y Splice dick? And it rapes Sarah Polley? HELP ME SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME MY EYES GOT STABBED OUT SOMEHOW COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING NOT NECESSARILY JUST THIS PEN IN MY HAND! The only words that the Splice says in the whole movie are “me put me inside you” or whatever. I do like to imagine the actor sitting in his trailer all day practicing. “Me put me inside you.” “Me put me inside you.” The Splice falls in the lake. The Splice gets out of the lake. The Splice kills Adrien Brody with its stinger. Sarah Polley kills the Splice with a rock to the dome.

Now she has a baby inside her and the Splice is the dad? And it turns out that the mean lady from the pharmaceutical company was her mom the whole time? And she’s excited to be a grandma of a new Splice? Congrats. Nurse, have a barf-flavored cigar!

Like I said, it’s just yucky garbage. I mean, the movie doesn’t have anything interesting to say about the moral implications of genetic engineering or anything. In the real world, genetic engineering is a complicated subject involving actual science and moral questions, but I’m pretty sure the issue isn’t that genetic engineering is going to lead to a lot of barn fucking with monsters? Much less being raped by them on the floor of a spooky forest because they were a lady but now they are a guy and oh no, did they just murder our boyfriends in the forest?! But I thought we had strapped them to a table and amputated their stinger tail but it turns out when you amputate a stinger tail, it just grows back right away! Huh? Splice Law! (Although, if genetic engineering ever DOES lead to an increase in barn monster sex and spooky forest monster rapes, I will be the first to publicly condemn it.) And it’s not very scary. Nor is it, as one person told me over Twitter, “sexy as hell.” Yikes. Huh? Being sexually attracted to the Splice is like being sexually attracted to Ms. Pacman.

The only real takeaway from the movie is that Adrien Brody is apparently the White Cuba Gooding Jr. Splice is his Snow Dogs. Your Snow Dogs is even worse than regular Snow Dogs, Adrien Brody!

Next time: I’m Still Here. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.

Comments (177)
  1. Uh Gabe… Thanks for putting a NSFW pic on the main page.

  2. Never experiment with splicing human DNA with mexican food…

    BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM

  3. “I did not want to see live action Hentai.” – Gabe

  4. But Ms. Pacman never turns into Mr. Pacman… unless that happens somewhere past the 3rd level, cause I’ve never made it farther than that.

  5. This was my face upon seeing the screencap up top:

  6. So, this is basically Orlando?

  7. Best Hunt so far. I’m even peeking my head out of my lurker’s cave to say so.

  8. I’m not good at Photoshop. Could someone Splice (heh), the Splice monster’s face on to Baby Spice’s face, there by making Baby Splice. Thanx in advance!!!1

  9. I’d pay money to see this if the Splice’s only line was “These pretzels are making my thirsty.” As it is, though, I think it’s best that I just leave this one alone.

  10. Oh man, I was under the impression this movie was about film editing.

  11. So are we to infer at the end of this movie that Sarah Polley is going to have a Splice Splice Baby?

  12. Being sexually attracted to the Splice is like being sexually attracted to Jeff Bridges.

  13. Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley’s characters might be the least like-able characters in movie history.

  14. ugh child splice was the worst, watching them bang or whatever

  15. Was Julia & Julia ever nominated for this? And if not, it definitely should be.

  16. Aunt Hetty shouldn’t have been so hard on Sarah. Though Uncle Jasper would have understood!

    #vaguecanadiantvreference

  17. Also is the moral here don’t play God or you’ll become a rapist?

  18. Edited out of the Super Bowl commercial: Adrien Brody has sex with a glass of Stella Artois. Then the beer rapes one of the girls.

  19. Oh Sarah Polley. Please make better choices, because I love you.

  20. RE: Nominations, I nominate Empire Records.

    I know there are many of you that adore that insufferable cliche-fueled movie, but I for one, do not.

    WHO IS WITH ME?

  21. C’mon guys, this is a genre piece. It’s funny, weird, gross, stupid, etc. because it’s a dumb horror film. It’s a B-movie. Interrogating it like Gabe just did is like complaining that Grindhouse was missing a reel. Or saying that famous actors ruin movies because they are recognizable as famous actors. Do I stand alone here?

    • EXACTLY. If this movie was French or Spanish (or anything other than American) everyone would be all, “Ooooooo, Art!”

    • no. wrong. i’d agree with you if this were true. but the writing is fucking terrible. it’s a SHITTY genre movie.

      • Maybe this isn’t the best example because, you’re right, the writing is absolutely terrible in this movie. And yet, I still had fun with it. Go figure.

        • I’m right here with you. And I’ve heard this from half the people that saw this movie, there’s a real hatred there. I enjoyed it, and I now wonder if I saw the same cut everyone else did.

      • Granted, it’s been a while since I saw this, but I don’t remember the writing detracting from the Laffs or the uncomfortable squirms. What did you dislike about this movie? I thought it did a good job being funny, gross, and silly…

        • I like a good silly scary movie with no foot in reality.

          Here, I was constantly annoyed by the decisions the characters were making and reasons they were making them. way past the annoyance I should have been feeling, considering it was a movie where the decisions are about whether to create a monster.

          and there was all this bullshit suspense, where they acted like something was really gonna be a problem for the characters, only to let everyone off the hook wayyyyy too fast to make any of it more than the tiniest stupid plot meandering. oh no, the monster we made got loose in the woods. oh, she didn’t? then let’s stop worrying about her ever getting loose. oh no, the monster we made is going to fall off the roof. oh, she didn’t? ok, good I guess.

          terrible, terrible, terrible

          • “Here, I was constantly annoyed by the decisions the characters were making…”

            This isn’t really a rebuttal, but it just made me remember that my wife hates Halloween because Laurie keeps throwing the knife on the ground. That’s literally the only reason.

          • I think that’s a fair reason for her to hate it. If I remember correctly I liked Halloween. But that’s exactly the kind of thing that makes me go from “whoa this movie is fucking crazy but at least makes sense” to “why the fuck am I watching this?”

    • No, lesigh, you’re not alone, but as Gabe said, opinion split really hard on this movie. For every person horrified at the incest, there is another who really wanted to see that tail go up Brody’s ass. Different Strokes, you know.

      • just to make sure I’m not counted among the “horrified by the incest” people – I was definitely not “horrified” by the “incest” (not incest) in this movie. like I wrote, my only beef was that I was annoyed and bored by the writing and plotting.

        • Very valid. My partner despised this movie as well, for many of the same reasons you list. I think I wanted to like it, and I saw an early screening in a packed house. This is a communal film, and I might very well have felt differently about it had I experienced it with a more critical eye. And I did really want to see that tentacle up Brody’s ass.

          • haha. did the tentacle go up his ass? i mean, I don’t remember that, and I know that wouldn’t have made it past the MPAA and all, so I don’t think it did. but just in case I guess i need to amend the record again here and say: I was not horrified by the film, but I also will never “like” a film just cause it allows me to see a tentacle go up Adrian Brody’s ass. i am in the camp of having no interest in seeing that.

            if I’d seen it in a packed theater, I might have better memories of it myself. I was talking about that phenomenon this weekend, in the context of black swan. which i probably would have liked just watching it by myself. but being in a packed theater was good for that movie too.

          • oh sorry. i misread your post, and thought it said you didn’t want to see the tentacle thing. i didn’t mean make you feel weird for wanting to see the tentacle thing. no judgment here. i just thought we were on a “I wasn’t in it for the tentacles” riff.

            whatever, it’s all good, tentacles up!

  22. Can I just say CREEPY INCEST MONSTER RAPE.

    That’s really all you needed to say, Gabe.

    Also I hate this movie more than anything ever. So much so that my boyfriend is not even allowed to talk about it, not even to say “she hates this movie more than anything ever.”

  23. Delphine Chanéac played Dren the Splice, and those are her boobs at the top, and she is much more attractive when not made up as a Splice. These are all facts.

    • And she’s a DJ! “I listened to some classical music to play the loneliness and I listened to The Cure for the hostile, powerful and tough part of Dren.”

  24. If not for the rule about the A or B list movie star, I wholeheartedly believe that A Serbian Film is the definitive WMOAT. My opinion is entirely based on reading the wikipedia plot synopsis, but there can’t possibly be a bigger piece of garbage in this universe.

    • Yep. In terms of bad taste, A Serbian Film is the hands down worst film I’ve ever seen (and I actually enjoy finding ridiculously bad taste films to watch).

      Baby rape. That is all.

  25. As always, please support your friendly neighborhood droid in his campaign to get

    reviewed in the next round.

  26. Someone sure had access to FinalDraft and a Netflix queue filled with David Cronenberg movies.

  27. I did like that in Splice-World Adrien Brody and Sarah Polley made the cover of Wired on account of their genetic science-ing. I wanted to pack the scriptwriter on the back, “Keep dreaming nerd!”

  28. I never noticed how whore-ish Ms Pacman was.

  29. I liked BrodyQuest better when the journey was its own reward

  30. “That was the worse movie I’ve ever seen.”

    That’s what the guy behind me said as I was walking out of Blue Valentine. People pick odd movies to hate for a variety of reasons. In this case, the guy simply wasn’t the audience. Maybe his favorite film is the Hangover. No big deal. I like the Hangover.

    First, let me just say that I didn’t love Splice. I didn’t even particularly care for it. I thought it was an admirable stab from some people who obviously adore Cronenberg’s The Fly, but yes, of course it has its share of problems. I grew up on horror cinema, and one of the more enticing elements of the genre was the constant game of one-upmanship to see who could crank out the most outrageous scene or the most creative kill. Once that lost its appeal and I starting gravitating towards other genres, I found that some of the films I loved most were horror films that aspired to something more than blood, tits and jump scares. If I were thirteen right now, Splice would be my favorite movie.

    Gabe is not the target audience as he has repeatedly stated that he doesn’t watch horror. I’m assuming many of the people here who have railed against it aren’t the target audience either. But can you really call it “terrible” or even “bad”. Some of characterization lacks integrity, sure. But at its core, its just a silly little horror film with some fabulous creature design and CG (seriously, I was blown away by the early incarnations of the creature) that also tried to address morality in modern science. What is there to hate about it? Let the horror nuts enjoy it and we can go back to pointing out Bergman influences in early Scorcese.

    • Aaaaand lesigh said it much better and much less tl:dr-er.

    • I loved Blue Valentine.

      Also, Donna Darko.

      • Donna Darko.

      • Cake, one of these days you’re going to have to take a minute and explain the whole Donna Darko thing to me. I’m out in the cold on this one. Also,

        Donna Darko

        • I am with you That One (although we’ve already geeked out over Cemetery Man and other various weirdo-horror somewhere deep in the archives). I liked Splice. Yeah, it was duuuum, and Adrien Brody also. But man, the monster sex? When they just go for it? Full on NSFW monster sex? That is some straight traumatic oedipal imagery. By no means the scariest or best horror movie, but at least the most interesting since Drag Me to Hell (which I think may well be the best of last decade.)

        • Patience, young Skywalker.

    • Hear hear!

      When I was a kid I would sneak horror films on the cable when my parents were in the other room and scare myself silly. Somehow this led to a love of horror films for life and me tricking my friends into watching one with me every week so we can goof on it. Horror seems to lend itself to this practice easier than most any other genre (sci-fi is even, action is a close second, and anything with Nick Cage is third), probably because the premises are often inherently silly yet the films take themselves very seriously. Somehow this doesn’t bother me with horror. A straight-up drama can have a very silly premise and serious execution and will usually drive me nuts, but a horror movie doing the same I find fine to very enjoyable. I guess magic and beasties just add a “WTF did I just watch!?” quality that I enjoy (see former WMoAT candidate Dreamcatcher, for an excellent example).

      Splice was one of our spooky selections. While I wasn’t a huge fan the movie, it did look cool and it made me laugh both uncomfortably and for real, and my friends and I got some good jokes out of it and that’s more than I can say for a lot of movies. Splice was weird and funny and full of enough ironic t-shirts to clothe half of Williamsburg, but it was far from the worst movie ever.

    • I think that was me behind you at Blue Valentine. My favorite movie isn’t The Hangover though. It’s The Seventh Seal!

  31. Actress Anita Pallenberg in the 1968 `Bizarre Beauties of Barbarella` pictorial.


    Everything’s a remix- http://vimeo.com/14912890

  32. Dear Gabe,

    I nominate SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK
    because:
    1. It meets all of the WMOAT qualifications.
    2. White people love to debate it.
    3. This .gif desperately needs your commentary:

    Thank you,
    Cakeordeath

    • Yeah Gabe, you know how to do it now. There are nearly thirteen million people in the world. None of those people is an extra. They’re all the leads of their own stories. They have to be given their due.

  33. I renominate Irreversible, because clearly Gabe has a rape fetish that I think should be explored safely in private with a loving, understanding partner. I am that partner, Gabe. the safe word is “gorilla”.

    • If you want to nominate terrible movies in which there are rapes, then I would nominate the Rosario Dawson produced and starring film ‘Descent.’ Here’s the beginning of the plot summary-

      Maya (Dawson) is a college student who is brutally raped.

      • I actually had already nominated Irreversible before this, it’s just a convenient way to make my nomination pretend relevant or something. true story (kewl story): I actually sort of like Irreversible, because I think it’s some manner of accomplishment if your movie succeeds perfectly as what you wanted it to be and the effect you wanted it to have on your audience. I spent most of the movie hunched over, trying to not vomit from the casual brutality or the uhhh cinematography (is it still called that if it just causes seizures and vertigo?). so like Funny Games, I think it is a well crafted film that has a point of view and is successful in what it tries to do. and like Funny Games I will never never never never never never never fucking watch that shit again if you fucking paid me. but Gabe should. because Gabe being miserable is always funny.

        • you could probably make the arguement that it is intending to be the WMOAT. I guess under that logic it would be disqualified from the hunt, but the rules seem more geared toward movies that are trying to be ironic or genre exercises or something. and clearly there is nothing remotely ironic or lovingly nostalgic than real-time beating/rapings, at least not yet (your movie Hollywood!)

          • nothing remotely ironic or lovingly nostalgic ABOUT real time beatings/rapings. woof. I’m putting on my jammies, because it’s time for me to go to bed.

    • Guys, let’s not turn this place into a dumping ground for rape jokes.

  34. please post another story so i don’t have see this shiz every time (which is frequently; don’t judge) i check the homepage :/

  35. Why does The Town get a pass? The Town never did anything for me. It is also not very good, but I guess I am the only person to ever think that.

  36. “Was it ‘Monster Rape,’ or was it ‘Monster Rape-Rape?’”

  37. No, I do NOT know that Pitch Black is stupid garbage. I like that movie very much, because Vin Diesel’s arms.

  38. I would like to renominate Taken for the WMOAT for the following reasons:

    1) karaoke machine=worst present ever Liam Neeson dad
    2) His daughter claimed to be following around U2(??!?!?!?!?!) in Europe. Totally something teenagers do.
    3) Albanian slave traders

  39. Yeah, this movie isn’t so bad. It’s unconventional and takes a few liberties with its characters/science, but it’s also admirable with its go-for-it attitude. I think it fits pretty nicely into the tradition of the older Cronenberg movies, which were all a bit schlocky, but also posed a lot of interesting questions. I especially liked that it’s not all just one note. Aside from the horror elements, there’s also a lot of great, dark humor to be found here.

  40. Although I did laugh throughout watching the film, I don’t think it has a sense of humor at all. Everything is completely sincere, especially the whole thing about Sarah Polley’s abusive/neglected childhood and how she takes it out on the Splice. And whoever said the Splice is sexy needs to go to jail now.

    • Must be a matter of interpretation. That shot where Sarah Polley’s character walks in on them having sex seemed to obviously be aiming for a squirmy, uncomfortable laugh — there’s no doubt in my mind the director knew exactly what the audience would be thinking, and it’s pretty much the exact same thing going through her character’s head: “This is fucked up — what the hell is going on?”

  41. Better late than never. I love horror movies. There are only a small handful of them that are actually good, which every horror movie lover accepts as fact.
    So this one’s full of bad decisions, violence and super gross outs, plus it’s a little porny. What’s not to like?

  42. wow this movie’s great.it was like BANG!!!!! when they were making love with each other but i kinda don’t understand how she got to be alive an so so ugly .men the movie was great but a tragic one. AND I’LL BE WAITING FOR THE UP COMING SPLICE 2.

  43. To prepare for her role in Splice, Chanéac [the Splice creature] listened to The Cure and classical music.”

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.