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[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]
“Great game, countrymen. Ah, say, what show is starting now? Let’s watch.”—Fox’s Impression of What American Might Be Like
Soooooooo… What the fuck was that? Was that supposed to be a long commercial for Glee aimed at people who have never seen the show before and probably aren’t interested in it in the first place? Because if so: NOPE. Mission failed. After sitting through the whole Super Bowl (it was good!), even I wasn’t in the mood for Glee, and I’m in the mood for Glee during Glee. Like when Glee is playing, I’m thinking “I could totally watch some Glee right now.” But last night, after just a couple minutes of Glee I realized that not only wasn’t the episode for me, but it was fucking terrible. Not funny. Bad songs. Annoying! Cool first impression on the Super Bowl crowd, Glee. You dropped the ball harder than when The Black Eyed Peas forgot to sing “Meet Me Halfway,” and sang all those other songs instead (and live?!). Of the night’s commercials, this episode of Glee was my second-to-least-favorite, second only to this Kia bomb:
…great! Now I hate Aztecs?
Don’t you think you already gayed-up the night enough by having Christina Aguilera scream the national anthem? Everyone’s saying she fucked it up, but I thought it was pretty good:
…sorry, too easy. Ugh, why didn’t Fox just clip that 3 min of NBC programming from 2006 and show it on loop for an hour? Stupid laws…
Right, okay, so time to Gleecap that shitbomb? I guess it’s important to keep in mind that there’s another new episode on tomorrow night, so technically, we can all forget this ever happened and pretend the second season is coming back from hiatus on Tuesday? Because, in the end, nothing permanent or new even happened last night. Plot-wise, it was totally stand-alone, wrapped up back at square one by the end credits, like a Simpsons episode (minus jokes and <3).
The episode starts in Cheerio’s rehearsal—the cheerleaders are wearing Katy Perry wigs and jumping around to “California Gurls” while random BMX dudes do flips and tons of fire flies around. Sue’s bored by the spectacle and wants more. She does a little soul-searching/journaling (always good for a joke)—she reveals that her doctor has her on raccoon hormones, she’s 31-years-old, and has a back tattoo of herself with her name spelled wrong (“Sue Syvlester”). Funny enough. Goodbye jokes for the rest of the time! Anyway, she decides the only thing that’ll make her Cheerio’s routine good enough in her eyes is a human cannon.
Meanwhile, the football team sucks. Finn sucks and fucks up some plays, and the rest of the team also sucks and fucks up some plays. FOOTBALL BULL 3 focuses his hatred-horniness on Finn (ape bottom? yeah right), and the team morale goes to shit. Coach Bieste and Schue (he’s the football team’s helmet specialist: “just a bottle of Garnier Fructis Nectarine White Ginger Pommade Spray before kick off will do ya”—Schue) decide to overcum the bullying once and for all by forcing all the FOOTBALL BULLIES to be in Nude Erections for a week. Ugh. No one likes the idea on the show, or in the audience (speaking for myself here).
Rachel and Puck try and show all the FOOTBALL BULLIES that Glee is super chill and masculine, so they scream “Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum:
Yuck. One of the FOOTBALL BULLIES calls Puck a girl so he tries to murder him with an acoustic guitar.
Sue starts wearing a STUNNING NEW LOOK by Adidas—the highlight of the episode FOR SURE.
She tries to force Brittany the Perfect to be the human cannonball, but she doesn’t want to be. They test the cannon with a mannequin inside and it gets blown to pieces. Then, they don’t sing “Cannonball” by The Breeders, which is nuts:
Principal Figgins takes Sue’s cannon away from her because it’s so fucking dangerous, which sends her into a rage. She trashes his secretary’s office, and then the boys’ lockerroom (NAKED SAM IS GOING TO BE DEVASTATED THAT YOU SULLIED HIS FAVORITE HANGOUT AREA IN OHIO). It’s funny, okay? I’ll admit that I enjoyed seeing Sue throw stuff around.
Then shit started to confuse me (doctors recommend having 10 bourbon-and-Coke-Zero’s an hour, yeah?): Sue moves the date for the Cheerios’ big competition to be the same night as the big football game? So Santana and Quinn and Brittany have to choose between Nude Erections and Cheerio’s (for a change?)? And so do the football players maybe? To entice them to stay, Schue announces that at halftime they’re going to be screaming a mash-up of “Thriller” and “Heads Will Roll” by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs? And then he talks about that “Thriller” YouTube video from a jail from a million years ago?
Then Nude Erections and the FOOTBALL BULLIES have the worst rehearsal ever? Mike and Artie do a little “dance comedy,” which is the worst. Then Schue pulls FOOTBALL BULLY 3 aside and tells him how secretly good at Glee-ing he is? So FOOTBALL BULL 3 goes home to his big moose-hide closet, locks the door, and tries to finger the gayness out of his anus for 9 hours?
Then Quinn, Santana, and Brittany officially quit Nude Erections? So Finn yells at Quinn, and then Naked Sam sticks up for her and yells at Finn? And then all the boys in the whole school put on zombie makeup and scream “She’s Not There” by The Zombies?
And then the hockey team bullies the football team? And Slurpees them?
Then we’re off to Delicious Boymeat Academy, FINALLY. Oh, to be a fly on the wall during the meeting to decide exactly what percent of the Super Bowl episode was allowed to be about Kurt… We jump right into an a capella version of “Bills, Bills, Bills” by Destiny’s Child (FINALLY), with Blaine as a young Beyonce:
Great song, completely off base. You’ll RARELY find me complaining about Destiny’s Child (save for each girl’s individual Twitter feed, which read like the to-do lists of international manicure critics), but like—why now? Why are they singing that song right now? Nothing means anything today? Nothing matters?
Then Blaine and Kurt “do coffee” with Rachel and Mercedes to talk about some shit. Then Rachel and Mercedes and Tina and Lauren join the football team? Because of some reason?
And then at the game all the girls just lie down on the ground so no one touches them? (That’s my best cruising trick!) But then Tina picks up the ball and runs with it until she gets tackled, and everyone thinks she might be hurt but she’s not? And then Finn gets Quinn, Santana, and Brittany to quit Cheerio’s? And Puck makes sure all the FOOTBALL BULLIES will scream with Nude Erections during the halftime mashup? And then everyone screams the mashup together?
…and my watching buddy made the brilliant point that it would’ve been so much better if they’d just sang “Zombie” by The Cranberries:
And then the FOOTBALL BULLIES rejoin the football team, and keep their zombie makeup on for intimidation? And everyone chants “braaaains, braaaaains,” and the team wins?
Then Katie Couric interviews Sue about being a huge loser? And she tells Sue that Schue got her Cheerio’s budget to use for Nude Erections? Because … news? And then Katie Couric cracks a couple of jokes about the recession and Tiger Woods? Because UGH KILL ME?
Then FOOTBALL BULLY 3 is mean to Finn again? But Quinn is back in love with him? And then she kisses him? And then it’s over?
“LESS STEAMY!!!!!”–Glee
Oooopa, bad job. I guess some shit did change a little, plot-wise, now that I typed it all up. Quinn, Santana, and Brittany the Perfect aren’t Cheerio’s anymore; Quinn’s back in love with Finn even though she’s doing some HARDCORE ABSTINENCE shit with Naked Sam; Sue’s budget is small and Schue’s is big. Shudder: better luck tomorrow night!
(I still love you and always will.)
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Everyone always downvotes firsts. Let’s celebrate it for a change.
…PSYCHE.
I don’t understand this show. But I continue to love Soft Gabe’s recaps. More please.
Quick question… whatever happened to “Movies for Dudes”?
This episode would have been so much better had it contained a kid dressed up as Darth Vader. Thanks for nothing Gletards!
Not enough Mike Chang Abs
Here here.
Some people around me were watching this after the NFL football championship. At one point the Glee kids were doing some kind of sing and dance for Chevrolet. I asked, “Are they doing the type of thing where they poke fun at doing an ad, while simultaneously doing an ad, or is this part of the show?” Someone replied, “I think it’s sort of both.”
i really wish i could like this show. the pilot was so good! but then it just kind of fell apart in my opinion.
between the gwyneth paltrow clip i saw and last night’s episode, i’m glad i didn’t watch past the second or third episode.
also, these kids are professional special effects make up artists? i’m sure every high school kid is also good at applying zombie make up?
I was really excellent in high school at applying makeup that made people look like they had black eyes! People thought it was cool and it made me popular for approximately one day.
This recap makes Glee seem harder to follow than LOST…
But think about it, EVERYTHING has changed. Brittney Santana and Quinn get to wear normal human clothes now.
What will Brittney the Perfect wear every week when she has to dress herself? I’m guessing that will be a new source of ‘humor’?
I can’t wait for next weeks episode! Will everything go back to normal before the first song? or will they wait until the end of the episode? GOOSEBUMPS!
I like Aztecs.
But to be fair to soft G, I fucking hated the Pontiac Aztek.
I was a fan of the first season of the show but for whatever reason I lost interest after that. My parents still watch it, so last night was total a bizzaro twilight zone as I pestered them with annoying questions the entire episode. “Wait, Emma’s not dating the football coach anymore?!” My mom was all like, shut up you’re embarrassing me.
“I don’t wanna die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled.”
You mean One Tree Hill is still on television? Jesus…
This episode felt like the series finale, everything was so neatly tied up. Finn slays the social norm with a flaming sword of zombie dancing, Sue is foiled and Will remains, smiling like a motherfucker. No one will ever love Kurt and Tina is killed.
They they undid it all in the last five minutes. See you next Tuesdays, when Finn picks which snatch he will be getting with for the next 5 months.
I wish her no harm, but how amazing would it have been if Tina had actually abruptly died playing football, with no notice or buildup whatsoever? It’d be on every list of best worst TV subplots for years.
Agreed. Somebodies got to die. May I suggest that new giant-baby football player?
This show is really really terrible and I just cannot stop watching it ever.
Every time during an episode I want to give up on Glee, the producers put in Blaine and his JCrew perfection. Then I start screaming like it’s the 90′s and I’m seeing NSync in concert for the first time and fall back in love with Glee.
Finn’s hand in that last picture: so close, yet so far.
My favorite part of the episode was when my boyfriend got home from work in the middle of Bills, Bills, Bills. I just laughed and laughed as he stood there, falling a little more out of love with me.
The last pictures remind of plants vs zombies.
The episode 100 percent flummoxed my parents, but they did greatly enjoy “Bills, Bills, Bills.” An when the DVR stopped recording just when Katie Couric sat down with Sue, three yells of disappointment filled the living room, because everyone loves Jane Lynch.
SO FINN AND QUINN KISSED OMG! I wish I cared as much as I did when Mike Chang got to act. His “Tina?!” was the best.
I’ve never seen an episode of Glee.
I’m not gloating though…I love the internet and for someone who professes to hate TV so much, I am a person who manages to watch a fucking lot of TV. I spose.
On Quinn kissing Finn, my first thought was ‘awww’ then it was ‘wait, didn’t she try to trick you into raising Puck’s baby last year? Not cool Quinn.’
Teenagers be crazy yo.
Honestly, the main things I took away from last night’s episode were:
1. Rachel was super funny and delightful and it’s freaking me out because she is usually THE WORST.
2. I am super into Karofsky. Like, a lot. I want him to join the glee club so I can just look at him more, you know?
3. There is NO WAY that Will Schuster knows who the Yeah Yeah Yeahs are.
Can we agree that THAT WASN’T A MASH-UP? It was “Thriller” with “Heads Will Roll” sampled into it.
Needless so say I was angered and disappointed.
This shouldn’t annoy me so much. But alas, here we are.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxXGLdRaKoc \m/
PuckleBerry \m/