Did you know that Bill O’Reilly answers viewer questions in behind-the-scenes vlog-style videos that he posts on YouTube? If you knew that you shouldn’t have known that. What’s up with you knowing that? You are just googling Bill O’Reilly all day? Take it easy. I’m just saying you should get a hobby or something. At the very least, you should Google better things. Anyway, in a recent video, a viewer sends in a question about tides, namely, why does Bill O’Reilly use tides as an example of God’s existence. HAHA, GOOD QUESTION, DAVE! I did not know he did that. It’s a weird thing to do! For one thing, there is no proof of God’s existence, right? Isn’t that kind of God’s whole thing, leaving it up to you to “believe”? But the only thing that is funnier than the fact that Bill O’Reilly uses tides as proof of the existence of God is Bill O’Reilly’s explanation for why he does that:

WHO PUT THE MOON THERE? Open your eyes, sheeple! Holy cow is Bill O’Reilly a stupid jerk or what? Look, the tendentious debate over whether or not God exists is an important one, because people feel really strongly about it, AH-NO-DOY, and it is also important because of how it leads to, you know, wars ‘n’ stuff? And I will say that Bill O’Reilly’s underlying argument that the complexity of our world as we understand it is staggering and that our fundamental explanations for this complexity based in both biological evolution and the big bang theory of the Universe’s creation, while VERY compelling, do not entirely account for all of the questions that we might have. But no matter what you might believe or want to believe on either side of this all-consuming issue, I’m pretty sure the very least compelling and convincing argument I’ve ever heard in my entire life is a condescending and dismissively barked “C’mon.” And the second least-compelling and convincing argument I’ve ever heard in my entire life is a condescending and dismissively barked “I mean, c’mon.” Hahhaha.

Bill O’Reilly is an asshole.

Comments (85)
  1. If the moon were made of barbeque spare ribs, would you eat it? …I know I would. Heck, I’d have seconds. And then polish it off with a tall, cool Budweiser. But who put the Budweiser there? I mean c’mon.

  2. I’m pretty sure there are tides because of all the praying. People pray and then the tides happen.

    If we all stopped praying there would be no tides.

  3. And on the 8th day God created Bill O’Reilly, and God said oops my bad

  4. Oh good! He finally responded to my question!

  5. There’s a doll, ok? Fine. There’s a doll. But how’d it get burned? How’d it get burned? I mean, c’mon.

  6. you’re gonna argue with the guy in the 3000 dollar suit, i mean C’MON

  7. It’s pretty great that if you google “How did the moon get there?” you get this:


    Lunar Science for KIDS.

  8. “It takes more faith to not believe.”

    I really, really hate when people say that. It does not take any faith at all to say there is quite likely an explanation which doesn’t involve God. It simply requires a lack of faith in an unknowable, unprovable, all-powerful creator and a curiosity about what makes the universe tick.

    • Seriously one of my big pet peeves. But I’m not even bothering to get even a little bit annoyed by Bill O’Reilly saying it because I mean, c’mon.

      • I know you’re right about that, but I can’t help it. It just bugs the hell out of me when someone makes a positive statement of belief and then demands that I (I being a stand in for non-believers in this case) explain myself instead of the other way around.

  9. Fucking tides, how do they work?

  10. ok fine, but WHEN is the moon

  11. He should probably pick up that book on the shelf behind him called “Where The Moon Came From.”

  12. Of course God created the moon and Jesus rode dinosaurs, pinhead.

  13. Wait.. Holy cow. Holy Trinity. The cow jumped over the moon. The moon is made of cheese. Swiss cheese is holey. Switzerland is landlocked and unaffected by the tides. Tides. Ides. Ides of March. When Caesar was killed. Caesar salad. Tossed salad. Butt munch. Munchausen syndrome. Need for attention…

    Bill O’Reilly is calling the moon holy to attract the attention of a Swiss cow who’ll eat cheese out of his ass!

  14. You know what’s awesome about science? It acknowledges that there are certain things that are unknowable. In fact, science knows that most things, including the origin of the moon, can’t be known for fact. They just use evidence and information to form hypothesis, and then test those hypotheses. They aren’t afraid to admit when they’re wrong. For example, it was previously believed that the moon was formed from a collision of a giant asteroid with the earth while it was forming. They now think that the moon is made up of other non-collision based material. But they’re ok with that. Because science is about the search for answers.

    I hypothesize that Bill O’Reilly is an asshole. I will now begin running an experiment to see if I am correct.

    I have run that experiment, which consisted of listening to things he says and watching the way he acts. I have concluded that he is an asshole.

    • Sadly, you will never know for sure, which is why science blows. I have fucking faith that O’Reilly is an asshole.

    • That’s the beauty of science, it changes with new evidence. Who knows? In ten years Bill O’Reilly’s weekly insights may drastically skew towards himself being God. At that point, it will be necessary to reevaluate and conclude he is a massive hyper-douche-asshole.

      Your point stands, lawblog. Science is power!

    • I think people sometimes mix up science with scientists. Scientists are people who are fallible, and have egos, and mortgages, and sometimes aren’t perfect representatives of the stuff they are into. (If anyone should have a deep understanding of that characteristic of people, it’s religion.) Science is a method for figuring stuff out, and the best one we have. Just because some scientist gets really heated about his way being the truthiest (which I’m sure happens often enough) doesn’t mean that science won’t bulldoze right over him if better evidence comes along.

      Science is cool, Obama said so.

  15. Bunch of pinheads all of you! Any fool knows that the synchronized behavior of the tides can only be the work of an intelligent god. A god residing beneath the tides…manipulating them to do his bidding until “the stars and the earth might once more be ready”.

    Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

  16. You know, in all honesty, he’s really got me thinking. The wondrous physical manifestations, both great and small, of our unknowable universe do – and I think we all know this, deep down – point to the existence of a patriarchal Christian god who hates fags and rape victims.

  17. “Thanks for the tip minifigs” – Gabe.
    “You’re welcome” – me.

  18. I was wondering why howditgetthere was trending on Twitter.

  19. As a follow up question: Could Jesus make a burrito so hot that not even he could eat it?

  20. As someone who belives in God, I’d like to speak for all believers in the world: Bill, get off our side!!!!! We don’t need any more turds in the punchbowl!

    Peace, love and all that stuff,


  21. Yeah, but where did the lighter fluid come from?

  22. That portrait hanging in the upper right? I’m going to use the last of my three wishes to wish that it’s George Darwin.

  23. How’d the moon get there?!? How’d it get there how’d it get there?!?!?

  24. look, people, signs of evolution are all around us.. you just have to look at the evidence.


  25. Actually this clip convinced me of the existence of God. I used to have too much faith, so I didn’t believe, but now I have less faith, so I believe! Former friends, you’ll find me commenting this Sunday — IN CHURCH.

    (I mean, that’s his goal, right? To convince nonbelievers?)

  26. I wish there was someone as bright and angry and took as much joy in verbal beatdowns as Issac Newton alive today to wipe the floor with Bill O’Reilly on national television.

  27. What I really enjoy is Bill’s reverse engineered logic. I mean, Mars doesn’t have a moon, but WE do. Thus proof. God hung the sun, the moon, and the stars in the sky all for our benefit, leaving out the needs of the non-salvation-seeking planets. Sorry, Mars & Co.

    I mean, it’s retarded to think that humankind might exist by virtue of the fact that the conditions were such here on earth to cultivate living organisms, right? I mean, if there were a million tomato gardens and they were all dry & barren save for the one that was watered, is it a miracle when the one watered garden grows tomatoes, Bill O’Reilly? C’MON!

    • Douglas Adams has a great essay in Salmon of Doubt about this very thing. O’Reilly is like a puddle who figures there’s a god because the Earth has formed to its exact shape.

  28. Well it at least sounds like he believes in evolution. He mentions an amoeba “crawling out,” I guess that’s what happened. Based on his logic, weren’t we all just placed on Earth by God?

  29. Phobos and Deimos might have a thing or two to say about Mars not having a Moon.

  30. God intended for there to be just Earth, with no moon. But he couldn’t quite get the proportions right, and He was on a tight schedule. And lo, he cried out, “WE’LL DO IT LIVE! FUCK IT!” And that’s how we got the Moon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tJjNVVwRCY

  31. There are literally soooooooo many moons. Like so many.


  32. I have a question. Does God have a penis?

  33. My favorite part is when he says “the human body” and gestures to himself. Bill O’Reilly: definitely the #1 example of God’s hard work in that department.

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