Vanity Fair has released its annual “Hollywood Issue,” complete with its annual “glossy photo of famous people slinking all over each other like they are about to do it, which maybe they are, although probably not, I mean, they’re just colleagues, most of them probably don’t even know each other, then again it’s not like you can’t do it with someone you don’t know that well, but they probably aren’t going to do it, but maybe!” Let’s take a look! (Click to enlarge.) (That is what she clicked.)

Cool bar, guys. Hey, where’s that bar? I’ve got other stuff to do, I’m like super busy, just curious. I figured maybe when my parents came to town, if I didn’t know where to take them, we could hit up that bar, what is it some kind of secret? (Cool bar. COOLEST bartender. LOL.) Anyway, let’s just do this one by one, that seems reasonable:

Ryan Reynolds: Perhaps not the person that I would but FIRST on the Hollywood issue? But he did spend upwards of 15-minutes in a coffin at a time without almost any snacks probably only a few snacks between takes, so, fair enough. He earned it. Also: Green Lantern, I guess? (Shrug.)

Jake Gyllenhaal: Prince of Persia? What is going on here. Jake Gyllenhaal is a good actor and he has a pretty face (no brokebacko) but he was exclusively in terrible movies this year? I know they didn’t put him on the front cover of the Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue because of Love and Other Drugs!

Anne Hathaway: HAHAHA THEY DID! THEY DID PUT JAKE GYLLENHAAL ON THE FRONT COVER BECAUSE OF LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS. Guys, I’m beginning to think that the Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue is ridiculous!

James Franco: Honest to God, for a second I thought that was John Leguizamo and I just assumed he was taking his annual spot on the Vanity Fair Hollywood Issue cover that he earned by playing the fat devil clown in Spawn. But no, James Franco makes sense. Hi, James Franco.

Jennifer Lawrence: Good. Yes. “One to watch.” “Cannot wait to watch her.” “Not in a creepy way.” “I mean, normal amount of creepy.” “That dress seems nice!” “I MEAN SHE SEEMS NICE!” “What are we talking about again?”

Anthony Mackie: You may remember Anthony Mackie from The Hurt Locker. In Hollywood, it’s important to capitalize on your momentum from meaningful roles in important movies. So look for Anthony Mackie in 2011 in Real Steel.

Olivia Wilde: Ms. Wilde, of course, is nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar this year for her role as “Computer Girlfriend” in Tron: Legacy.

Jesse Eisenberg: Duh.

Mila Kunis: Duh.

Robert Duvall: LOLOLLOLLLOLLLOLOL. They say that you die three times. First, when your body dies. Second, when everyone who knew you dies. And third, when your name is spoken out loud for the last time. But I think there is also a fourth time that you die, somewhere in there, which is when you are Robert Duvall and this picture was taken.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: A year ago, I probably would have made a joke about Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and I still think he was WAY too needy and flop-sweaty when he hosted Saturday Night Live, and I do not like (500) Days of Summer, but he was very good in Inception, so I am declaring a one year moratorium on Joseph Gordon-Levitt jokes. Congrats, Joe!

Andrew Garfield: Yup. Yes. Duly noted.

Rashida Jones: Haha. Look. I love Rashida Jones, and by that I mean I am IN LOVE WITH Rashida Jones. But why is she on this cover? For her role in The Social Network? No offense, but a Carl’s Jr. bag could have played that part. Wasn’t one of her lines “Do you want a sandwich?” or something? Oh wait, no, I remember why she’s on here. She was nominated for the Academy Award for Best Supporting MARRY ME. That’s it. Good luck, Rashida!

Garrett Hedlund: All joking aside, Garrett Hedlund is one of the worst actors in America. Let’s move on.

Noomi Rapace: Who? Egg? Her? (Just kidding. I know she is going to star in The Girl with The Beach Read Tattoo and that will make her the Yo-Landi Vi$$er of our generation.)

More like HollyWEIRD, right, you guys? (Via ONTD.)

Comments (104)
  1. I don’t know why they picked Robert Duvall. Clearly they need a wartime bartender.

  2. No mention of the lion being bottle fed? It’s the most precious thing on there!

  3. Minorities, get to the inside, nothing to see here, Folks

  4. I don’t know how they leave off this guy:

  5. Oh Andrew Garfield, why must they hide you on the inside?

  6. Does this imply there is a non-Hollywood issue of Vanity Fair?

  7. “When Thelma Met Louise (And Brad): The Making of a Revolutionary Film” Go to bed, Vanity Fair.

  8. Pump your brakes when you’re talking about Olivia Wilde, Gabe; that’s my future wife you’re talking about.

  9. I think Hollywood’s inclusion of Joseph Gordon-Levitt speaks volumes for our culture’s willingness to accept Munchin Americans.

  10. Gabe, I consider myself a fan of yours and have been since your Corporate-Casual days through to your party-coverage days on Gawker. Read your stuff on 24/6 and now here on Videogum. I occasionally take issue with what you say and occasionally your tone irks me, especially when you refuse to concede any wrongdoing in re: posts that are in poor taste, etc. But sir, today, on this day, the 1st of February in the year of Our Lord 2011 you have outdone yourself by way of seven words: The Girl With the Beach Read Tattoo.

    As far as I am concerned, you are the best human to ever live.

  11. “…and introducing Robert Duvall as the gruff but sage bartender.”

  12. Can I go ahead and preemptively nominate the Beach Read Tattoo Girl movie for the next Hunt? Because holy shit. That book is fucking terrible. And anything based on that book also has to be terrible, QED. Unless of course they change literally everything about every one of the characters, because they are all terrible monster-reflections of real characters, and also change basically the whole plot so it isn’t such an alternatingly miserable and mind-numbingly dull concoction of exploitative rape-fantasy and despair.

    Seriously though, if it weren’t for Twilight, that fucking book would be The Worst.

    • My mom would not like this comment very much

    • Nope, sorry, the movies are pretty great. I’ve heard that the books are ridiculously dense to the point of being nearly unreadable though, so I understand the hatred on that level.

      • Oh no, I didn’t find the book particularly dense. In fact, I didn’t have much of a problem with the prose at all, particularly since I read it in translation. Nope, it’s the characters and the plot that make the book terrible.

        Sorry to rant about how fucking awful this book is, monsters. But I can’t talk about this IRL, because it seems like everyone has read this piece of garbage and liked it, and I don’t want to be That Guy who tears down something that people like. At least not in person. But this is a Safe Place, and I have to get it out somewhere.

    • By “anything based on that book also has to be terrible” are you including “weirdly relaxed attitudes toward sexual congress possibly as a result of drinking waaay to much aquavit”, because I am taking Swedish lessons, and I’ll just stop now.

    • the movie was the rapiest thing i’ve ever seen. spoiler alert: everyone you see on screen either rapes or gets raped by someone else on screen.

  13. I’d prolly get with 11….maybe 12 of those people if I was half wasted. (No, Duvallo)

  14. I have honestly never ever heard of Garrett Hedlund and Noomi Rapace. I’m not trying to pretend I’m above it all (I comment on a pop culture blog, ferchrissake), but can we at least try and keep the people on the cover of the Hollywood issue to actors you don’t have to read Variety to know about?

  15. You guys, I don’t think it’s fair to judge this issue until we have all read and reflected on the Michael Lewis article “Will Ireland’s Money Cri…” ZOMG Andrew Garfield!! LUVZ!!!!

  16. in all honesty all I can think of when I look at this picture (and let me tell you I’ve looked at it a lot!) is “I want to go there” when my eyes zoom in on JGL

  17. Psst, Olivia! You forgot to wear a dress!

  18. Anthony Mackie was also in Sean Combs’ biographical movie/love letter to Notorious B.I.G. you know the one where the “Puff Daddy” character comes off like a savior. Man, I bet Puff Daddy is not a douche in real life, not a douche at all.

  19. My dad was talking to me about how he wants to see the movie where James Franco is nominated for best actor for being buried alive in a box for 127 hours. You’re the best Dad!

  20. I’m curious about Mark Wahlberg’s secret sauce.

  21. Yes, it’s true. My boyfriend, Ryan Reynolds, looks great in a tux. Who knew?

    I DID.

  22. I’m going to get a tattoo that says “From Marky Mark to Movie Star/Mogul: The Mark Wahlberg Makeover”, you know, to renew my hope in literature, and get dates.

  23. “Sexy. Edgy. Lush. Glamorous. Nonchalant. Cool!” – Vanity Fair Magazine cover Photoshop artist

  24. Also, I must add, this reminds me of paperstreetsoap’s christmas card to all of us.

    Cause I wan’t featured on that either.

  25. Oh Jesse Eisenberg, looking so awkward trying so hard not to accidentally touch the beautiful women he’s sandwiched between. Endearment accomplished.

  26. “fat devil clown in Spawn” Excuse me? I believe his name is The Green Goblin.

  27. I don’t understand this article, it doesn’t match the picture. I mean, the cover is just a picture of Mila Kunis looking exactly like she does in ALL OF MY DREAMS, right? That’s the only thing I’m seeing here, anyway.

  28. Also, as much as I adore Robert Duvall (greatest living actor, for realsies) we all know that the bartender from The Shining was the only way to go.

  29. Does this remind anyone else of the Sining? Whenever I see people in tuxedos in a bar, I’m reminded of the Shining.

  30. Does this remind anyone else of the Sining? Whenever I see people in tuxedos in a bar, I’m reminded of the Shining.

  31. It takes a Ryan Reynolds and a Jake Gyllenhaal to make up for the fact that Ryan Gosling should have been on the cover.

    Mmmm James Franco.

  32. It says it was photographed by Norman Jean Roy, so I’m setting up a PayPal account so that Annie Leibovitz can make rent this month

  33. Noomi Rapace = Lisbeth Salander in the original Swedish version of the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo series. She was brilliant in them – can’t wait for her next film.

    • I haven’t seen that thing, but that monkey’s right. I could try and be funny but if I can be accurate about who is playing the-girl-from-the-books-I-never-read-but-will-see-the-American-adaptation-of-because-it’s-directed-by-David Fincher, then I can do anything.

  34. At this point, I honestly believe Rashida Jones has pictures of everyone in Hollywood at a Hitler Youth Rally.

  35. My favorite part of the cover is definitely the Eisenberg/Kunis/Duvall/JGL punch. Does anyone know if they’re all in a movie together? I hope that’s why they’re all right there like that. How do Vanity Fair covers work again? Also, how does Hollywood work again?

  36. “No offense, but a Carl’s Jr. bag could have played that part”

    Thanks for the literal LOL Gabe!

  37. Good job, all of these peoples’ publicists. Excellent work.

  38. It’s not a party until someone bottle feeds the baby leopard.

  39. wow i was REALLY sure rashida jones was marion cotillard. like, i googled it, and everything. weird! (very timely! very comment!)

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