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Someone has backtraced Gwyneth Paltrow’s most recent issue of Goop and calculated the costs of her suggestions. Yikes. Remember her coffee maker that was broken, just like how a real person’s coffee maker breaks? Yeah, that thing costs $2300. Workin’ moms make some noiiiiiiiiise!
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What? $2,300 isn’t that much. For such a fine coffee maker, it’s merely a Paltrow sum.
You Gwyneth some, you lose some.
“Now, with the economy and all, I know $3,606.50 might sound like a lot to you working moms. But just take it out of your cashmere sock budget.” – GP
You can’t Pay for quality, that’s what Our Gwennie always says.
She capitalises Pay because she capitalises all things that starts with P. Her name begins with that letter, if you weren’t aware.
Damn you, Gabe! Ugh, linking to Jezebel. What will win out my loathing for Gwyneth or Jezzies?
Gabe is a strong, independent woman. Don’t tread on him!
I thought he was a 85 year grandfather/war veteran. So Gabe is Every (Wo)Man?
it’s all in him
anything you want done
baby he’ll do it naturally
To be fair Paltrow has her own currency, Paltrow Pesos,and in Paltrow Pesos that isn’t that much
You can’t put a price on being a pretentious asshole.
I manage to be a pretentious asshole on a budget, maybe I should start a lifestyle blugh.
“Quit wearing shoes. Shoes easily cost over 50 bucks a pair, instead tell everyone you want to connect more with Earth.”
“Buy clothes at the thrift store, say you do not want to buy new clothes that are made with child labour. Real fashion is expensive!”
This describes 60-85% of my neighbors.
Gwyneth’s personal assistant: $60,000 (probably) a year. Gwyneth’s coffee maker: $2,300. Reading Gabe’s edited version of advice to working women: Priceless.
$60,000 is not enough. I have a feeling that in a month I don’t have as many “fires to put out” in my own life as I would have to manage in one day as her assistant so that she could focus on her batwings and yogic breathing.
She probably has no idea, honestly, that most working moms don’t have coffee machines so expensive they break down. True story: A friend of mine when she was 23 found herself sitting next to Michael Eisner on his private plane. They talked about what she did for a living, which was basically to eke one out on behalf of urban community relations stuff. Later, Eisner took out his brand new PDA, whatever one was basically the Titanium iPhone of 2001, and my friend said, “Oh, I’ve heard those are amazing.” Eisner said, “It’s my favorite toy. You should definitely get one.” She said, “No, they’re $800!” And he said, “So?” She said, “Well, I’m… not budgeted for that.” And he looked at her like she was crazy and he said, “Just get one.”
The Super-Rich have no idea.
How does a 23-year-old “find herself” on a billionaire’s private plane? She just stumbled onto the Disney tarmac?
The short version is that her husband was some kind of security guard and Eisner talked to him one day and liked him, and so requested him as a personal security detail on this particular trip, and told him he could bring his wife. Which makes Eisner seem like probably a pretty nice guy. Just with no idea that $800 is a lot of money.
Hell, I bet you could hire an actual Coffee Maker (human person) to brew coffee for me every morning and it would cost less than $2300. To Craigslist!
CORRECTION: me = you or you = me to create proper grammar situation. My personal assistant is clearly slacking.
Two thousand dollars for ice? For two thousand dollars I can get an Eskimo and make my own ice! -Groucho Marx
That’s weird, my coffee machine was only $18, never breaks, and is fully programmable.*
*”Fully programmable” means all I have to do is stand next to it and add ground coffee and water and press the “on” button when I want coffee.
GP is basically living the white Coming to America.
Obligatory devil’s advocate comment: why is the issue with Paltrow’s advice, and not the woman that wrote to GWENYTH PALTROW asking for advice for working moms? She couldn’t have been expecting a link to couponmom or something.
I don’t believe for one second the woman writing for Gwyneth’s advice actually exists.
It’s sort of like when that Aleksey Vayner guy said in his video resume something like, “people are always asking me how I can be so accomplished at all my scholarly pursuits, and yet still have time to develop my world class athletic skills. Well, I’ll tell you…”
Thank you for reminding me Aleksey Vayner exists. Nothing is Impossible.
I’m more than a bird…i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me
HER EYES OPEN. YIIIIIIKES.
Goddamn that was eerie. Her eyes were closed for so long I thought it was a jpeg. I read your blurb and then her eyes opened. I was like, “GAH!”
It was a JPEG when I posted it!
*unsolvedmysteriestheme.wav*
And on a related note, confession time- I love Gwyneth in the Royal Tenenbaums. I blame the writing.
As do I.
I’m with you. It is the one reason I can never quite seal the deal on hating her acting.
iwrd or whatever is by far my favorite tumblr and source of gifs.
I had a coffee maker that beeped when it was done brewing and when I found that out I felt like fucking T. Boone Pickens. Then it shorted out and nearly burned down my kitchen. This is true.
Welcome to the GOOP life
Where moms do it for free
Get chauffeured around in their new Bentley
The GOOP life, let’s go on a spendin spree
The best coffee makers cost a hefty fuckin fee
The GOOP life, it feel like London
It feel like a Castle, it feel like St. Barts
It feel like a new Picasso cause you appreciate the arts
The busy life is good
Get your private driver to pop the hood, ferrari
Wear your brand new duds from Stella McCartney
My personal trainer said go on switch the style up
If Gabe hates, let him hate
Now watch the money pile up, the GOOP life
I don’t wanna be pretentious anymore
Been a year or two since I did a single chore
Working hard at being Chris Martin’s wife
It’s time I got back to the GOOP life
She likes her morning coffee Country Strong.
Her day is Country Long.
She is never Country Wrong.
The UK is where she Country Belongs
i am confused. is she british or is she not brititsh?
She is confused too.
See also: Madonna
I feel like as bad as Gwyneth is, that Juliet woman profiled might be the actual worst. It’s the combination of namedropping “my great friend, Sheryl Sandberg”, referring to checking FB as curating her social media, and that super helpful tip about getting a makeup lesson from someone named Wallet. Wallet!
Do they even have coffee in England???
Yes. They call it “Wakey Water.”
Yes, but they call it Lorry Butter.
Yeah but they call it *BANG*
What is that? Some sort of sausage coffee?
SAUSAGE COFFEEEEEE
Considering that her advice involves a full-time personal assistant, I’m guessing this is $3606.50 per month or possibly per week.
I like a good BA- uh, stopping there.
damn, that was supposed to be a reply to That One.
This doesn’t make her any less of a butthole, but she technically didn’t tell any busy working moms to buy that 2300 dollar coffee maker. She just kinda mentioned that during her “manic morning”, her coffeemaker flashed an “Error 8″ signal, and someone deduced that she must have whatever brand of coffeemaker she has.
I’d just prefer if we were a little more objective in our Paltrow bashing!
How much does the fishmonger cost?
Depends how good he is at monging fish.