Holy cow. I did not have very high expectations going into last night’s Golden Globe awards, but somehow even my low expectations were not met. What was that? Three hours in some cramped warehouse decorated like a Palm Springs Bat Mitzvah. Ricky Gervais started the evening off well enough by just being an asshole. I saw someone on Twitter write that he was too hostile and that if you’re going to be that hostile you should at least be very funny. I’m not sure that’s true. Maybe sometimes that is true, but the fucking Golden Globes deserve what they get. Everyone in that room, even the good ones, needs a slap in the cheek. It’s a completely pointless, intellectually bankrupt, disgustingly self-congratulatory exercise! I mean, come on, BURLESQUE won an award for something. No one even knew what the Golden Globes were before two years ago, and even now there’s still plenty of confusion. And then, of course, Ricky Gervais disappeared forever because no one man should have all that oh good grief, don’t make me go on with this. The only person who seemed to have the right idea was Helena Bonham Carter, who was making monster gas faces the whole time and casting dangerous hexes left and right. You all got WITCHCRAFT’D! Idris Elba was robbed by Al Pacino, who wrote his acceptance speech on an adjustable posturepedic bed turned to the second highest upright position. I don’t know. About halfway through the evening I couldn’t believe it was still going on. You know how after earthquakes everyone says that it felt like the world shook for hours when it was actually only 10 seconds? What I’m saying is I wish there had been an earthquake last night.
Full list of the “winners” (whatever THAT even means with this nonsense) after the jump. And please enjoy our “delightful” (not delightful) photo gallery. SPOILER ALERT: Pauly Shore.
Best Picture, Drama: The Social Network.
Best Picture, Musical or Comedy: The Kids Are All Right.
Best Actor, Drama: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech.
Best Actress, Drama: Natalie Portman, Black Swan.
Best Director: David Fincher, The Social Network.
Best Actress, Musical or Comedy: Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right.
Best Actor, Musical or Comedy: Paul Giamatti, Barney’s Version.
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale, The Fighter.
Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo, “The Fighter.
Best Foreign Language: In a Better World.
Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3.
Best Screenplay: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network.
Best Original Score: The Social Network.
Best Original Song: You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me, (written by Diane Warren), Burlesque.
Best Series, Drama: Boardwalk Empire, HBO.
Best Actor, Drama: Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire.
Best Actress, Drama: Katey Sagal, Sons of Anarchy.
Best Series, Musical or Comedy: Glee, Fox.
Best Actor, Musical or Comedy: Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory.
Best Actress, Musical or Comedy: Laura Linney, The Big C.
Best Miniseries or Movie: Carlos, Sundance Channel.
Best Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Claire Danes, Temple Grandin.
Best Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Al Pacino, You Don’t Know Jack.
Best Supporting Actress, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Jane Lynch, Glee.
Best Supporting Actor, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Chris Colfer, Glee.