Holy cow. I did not have very high expectations going into last night’s Golden Globe awards, but somehow even my low expectations were not met. What was that? Three hours in some cramped warehouse decorated like a Palm Springs Bat Mitzvah. Ricky Gervais started the evening off well enough by just being an asshole. I saw someone on Twitter write that he was too hostile and that if you’re going to be that hostile you should at least be very funny. I’m not sure that’s true. Maybe sometimes that is true, but the fucking Golden Globes deserve what they get. Everyone in that room, even the good ones, needs a slap in the cheek. It’s a completely pointless, intellectually bankrupt, disgustingly self-congratulatory exercise! I mean, come on, BURLESQUE won an award for something. No one even knew what the Golden Globes were before two years ago, and even now there’s still plenty of confusion. And then, of course, Ricky Gervais disappeared forever because no one man should have all that oh good grief, don’t make me go on with this. The only person who seemed to have the right idea was Helena Bonham Carter, who was making monster gas faces the whole time and casting dangerous hexes left and right. You all got WITCHCRAFT’D! Idris Elba was robbed by Al Pacino, who wrote his acceptance speech on an adjustable posturepedic bed turned to the second highest upright position. I don’t know. About halfway through the evening I couldn’t believe it was still going on. You know how after earthquakes everyone says that it felt like the world shook for hours when it was actually only 10 seconds? What I’m saying is I wish there had been an earthquake last night.

Full list of the “winners” (whatever THAT even means with this nonsense) after the jump. And please enjoy our “delightful” (not delightful) photo gallery. SPOILER ALERT: Pauly Shore.

Best Picture, Drama: The Social Network.
Best Picture, Musical or Comedy: The Kids Are All Right.
Best Actor, Drama: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech.
Best Actress, Drama: Natalie Portman, Black Swan.
Best Director: David Fincher, The Social Network.
Best Actress, Musical or Comedy: Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right.
Best Actor, Musical or Comedy: Paul Giamatti, Barney’s Version.
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale, The Fighter.
Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo, “The Fighter.
Best Foreign Language: In a Better World.
Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3.
Best Screenplay: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network.
Best Original Score: The Social Network.
Best Original Song: You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me, (written by Diane Warren), Burlesque.

Best Series, Drama: Boardwalk Empire, HBO.
Best Actor, Drama: Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire.
Best Actress, Drama: Katey Sagal, Sons of Anarchy.
Best Series, Musical or Comedy: Glee, Fox.
Best Actor, Musical or Comedy: Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory.
Best Actress, Musical or Comedy: Laura Linney, The Big C.
Best Miniseries or Movie: Carlos, Sundance Channel.
Best Actress, Miniseries or Movie: Claire Danes, Temple Grandin.
Best Actor, Miniseries or Movie: Al Pacino, You Don’t Know Jack.
Best Supporting Actress, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Jane Lynch, Glee.
Best Supporting Actor, Series, Miniseries or Movie: Chris Colfer, Glee.

Comments (76)
  1. I’m glad you don’t have the day off, Gabe. No offense, Malcom King day!

  2. Oh man, Helena Bonham Carter is seriously the best, you guys. She is my role model for general surliness. I will make you proud, HBC!

  3. I caught the last hour of it b/c I was driving to my parents house, but I am so glad I got to see Natalie Portman’s laugh. Holy shit was that hilarious. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RS3RG8yp3PY

  4. I would just like to say that Natalie Portman laughs like a crazy person and that it was also kind of sad.
    “Good comment!” – Everyone

  5. I’m happy that no less than three gay people won awards last night. I can really appreciate how it’s becoming less and less an issue. Granted, it’s Hollywood, but still.

  6. Pauly Shore looks old. Let this be a lesson to Taylor Lautner; enjoy your youthful days of jorts.

  7. The only reason I watched the Golden Globes was because 1) It was on the tv, and 2) I was completely incapacitated for all of Sunday due to the LA Monster Meet Up blast the previous night. I couldn’t even change the channel. That’s how much fun Saturday was (Complain brag!).

    But seriously, the Golden Globes were as pointless as a golden globe (get it? #spherejokes).

  8. “Three hours in some cramped warehouse decorated like a Palm Springs Bat Mitzvah.”

    This sounds like my college night life.

  9. Hey, has anyone heard of this movie called ‘Rango’? What’s that all about?

  10. Ugh, I recently saw The Kids Are All Right, and I just wasn’t feeling it. They were trying to make me hate Mark Ruffalo (who I affectionately call Ruffles), and I can’t hate on Ruffles. I just hated Annette Bening and her stupid family.

    • I am so adopting Ruffles as well.

      In return, you may start calling Zac Efron “Zefron.” Try it, it’s catchy.

    • Yeah, I had heard the writing was great, which is what I like in a movie, but it was just boring and pointless. The main premise of the movie was basically to applaud itself for showcasing a different kind of family–look how fucked up we all are, gay or straight! (I don’t think that whole alcoholism thing was resolved–it was used as quirky plot point.) It doesn’t matter as long as there is loooove somewhere in there.

      It’s kind of like Crash–in some ways, you’re like, “Ok, this is good. These are real issues that people need to see. Visibility is a step forward.” But then you’re like, “SO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE BAD? WHY CAN’T I HAVE BOTH?”

      But yeah, Mark Ruffalo. Hot.

  11. That photo gallery looks like a photo gallery of a steakhouse!

  12. So I was really put off by Ricky Gervais. Not how he was not funny or anything, I love Ricky G, but it really really felt like no one wanted him there. And I get why he was there and all that, but it’s like his job was to be an asshole first, then MC an awards show second. I didn’t care for it.

    • He’s a great asshole though, plus he gets a pass for last years’ Mel Gibson joke.

    • I was also put off. And I used to *adore* Ricky Gervais, but in the last few years I think he’s gotten really mean-spirited, which seems to me to be at odds with the guy who made all those lovely podcasts with the future Mr. Silentkit, Stephen Merchant. I was so not a fan of his last stand up special that I couldn’t even watch it for more than like fifteen minutes.
      “Fat people – the WORST!” – Ricky Gervais, for at least ten minutes after it started getting uncomfortable and weirdly self-hatey
      It’s not that I’m worried about celebrity feelings (it could be argued that Ricky Gervais *is* a celebrity, right?). I’m sure Angelina Jolie didn’t cry herself to sleep on a bed of diamonds. I just really didn’t find him particularly fresh or funny while he was going after some of these people.

      • Ricky’s stand-up started being useless for me, about 3-4 years ago. “Science” was especially bad. Hopefully his new TV show will be as fantastic as The Office.

        • Also I forgot to mention that in the opening of An Idiot Abroad where he enjoys the suffering of others, and likes to MAKE them suffer, yeah, ummmm … makes me headachey and uncomfortable about humanity.

          The NEXT season of An Idiot Abroad should expound upon the stuff that KARL is interested in, which is what made the XM radio series so damn funny.

      • Last year I saw that Ricky Gervais’s standup was on onDemand and I got really excited to watch it with my parents, including my mom who has struggled with weight issues her whole life. You’re right – the first fifteen minutes were literally nothing but incredibly mean things about fat people. Not even funny, laugh-at-ourselves jokes, just nasty, mean, uncomfortable things. We turned it off before he moved on and we were all in a terrible mood for the rest of the day and I felt really guilty. I can’t even watch him in anything anymore because I just remember how terrible I felt for convincing my mom to watch that show. Way to go, Ricky Gervais.

        • Ricky Gervais has always been mean-spirited. He gave those self-loving Hollywood celebs what they deserved (and it’s not unlike what this blog does on a daily basis) I say Bravo! Ricky Gervais. Well done.

  13. Can we talk about how our teenage years got to walk the stage in the form of Trent Reznor? I felt oddly proud!

  14. So, like, we all agree that this was kind of gross?

    Gabe did point out that he was 1 year older than her when she was born!

  15. His whole schtick was gross. I did not enjoy him leering at any of the five women, age aside.

    “Their hotness is more important than their talent.” –Robert Downey, Jr., Paul Giamatti, Hollywood in general

  16. That was supposed to be a response to Josh is like Germany. Whatever, we can’t all be great at the internet.

  17. Re: Ricky Gervais, surely the only people who were surprised by his act were people who were totally unfamiliar with his career? It’s as if they heard Don Rickles was the MC and then were surprised that people got insulted. At one point the head of the HFPA pretended to be miffed, as though each of those jokes hadn’t been vetted by a team of 10.

  18. The entire show was a giant waste of time, but Chris Colfer winning was a really nice moment.

  19. I didn’t watch any of this, but I don’t get The Social Network winning. Idon’t think it was really that great of a movie. The Screenplay was great and David Fincher did a good job directing, but the actual story was boring. It was like they wasted a great screenplay, acting, and directing on a bad story. Also…whatever Glee. Lastly, I hope Temple Grandin made an appearance. She. Is. Awesome.

  20. Quick question: Why was Tilda Swinton dressed up as Julian Assange?

  21. Yesterday, my Mom said “I read the Hollywood Foreign Press bribes the stars to hang out with them.” The Golden Globes: My Mom Gets Them.

  22. Videos of my fave Ricky Gervais jokes from last night are here:

  23. I’d rather be in London.

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