Great news, you guys! The official opening of the Spider-Man musical has been delayed again! It had been postponed until February 7th and now it is supposedly going to open on March 15. Hahahahha. Oh man. This thing. It has been delayed so many times! It is called Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark, but it SHOULD be called Spider-Man: Turn ON The Laffs because of all the, you know, laffs. As we all know, it has already been parodied on Conan, and Saturday Night Live, and your mom’s cover of the New Yorker. Glenn Beck loves it\. He wants to marry it. Classic Glenn Beck. Also, um, I am not sure if you guys watched the 60 Minutes special about this thing, but so, Julie Taymor is directing it, right? And U2 did the music, right? But so there is one point in the 60 Minutes piece where the host explains that for awhile it was unclear if the musical would ever happen at all, and then The Edge and Bono explain that the original producer had brought the contracts over to The Edge’s apartment to have U2 sign them, and then I guess The Edge went to the bathroom or something, and when he came back, THE PRODUCER WAS DEAD?! WAY TO BURY THE LEDE, 60 MINUTES. What I am definitely saying, and I will argue this in a court of law, is that Bono murdered the original producer of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark in The Edge’s apartment while The Edge was pooping. But also, can we all just agree that this whole thing is just the best? Please keep never opening forever and ever Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. I love it so much that you are not open and that you will never be open but that you keep saying you will open. The best show in town is the show of watching Spider-Man: The Dark Musical struggling so hard, killing everyone. Hilarious. They should change the name to McDonald’s: Turn Off the Dark because I’M LOVIN’ IT. What a terrible, wonderful mess!

Now THIS is entertainment! (Get it? You get it. These guys get it.)

Comments (53)
  1. I was really hoping that link would be to The Jam and you delivered…thank you

  2. Man! I hate sharing my birthday. First Caesar and now this?!

  3. Yeah, maybe for such a cursed production, they shouldnt have it open on the Ides of March

    • Et tu, Venom?

      • Friends, New Yorkers, Americans, lend me your ears;
        I come to bury Spider-Man, not to praise him.
        The evil that Kraven does lives after them;
        The good is oft interred with their bones;
        So let it be with Spider-Man. The noble Green Goblin
        Hath told you Spider-Man was ambitious:
        If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
        And grievously hath Spider-Man answer’d it.
        Here, under leave of Green Goblin and the rest -
        For The Goblin is an honourable man;
        So are they all, all honourable men -
        Come I to speak in Spider-Man’s funeral.
        He was my friend, faithful and just to me:
        But Goblin says he was ambitious;
        And Goblin is an honourable man.
        He hath brought Aunt May captive to the House of Osbourne
        Whose ransoms did the general coffers fill:
        Did this in Spider-Man seem ambitious?
        When that the Doc Ock’s have cried, Spider-Man hath wept:
        Ambition should be made of sterner stuff:
        Yet Goblin says he was ambitious;
        And Goblin is an honourable man.
        You all did see that in the Daily Bugle
        I thrice presented him Mysterio’s Helmet
        Which he did thrice refuse: was this ambition?
        Yet Goblin says he was ambitious;
        And, sure, he is an honourable man.
        I speak not to disprove what Goblin spoke,
        But here I am to speak what I do know.
        You all did love him once, not without cause:
        What cause withholds you then, to mourn for him?
        O judgment! thou art fled to Rhinos and Sandmen,
        And Uncle Bens have lost their reason. Bear with me;
        My heart is in the coffin there with Spider-Man,
        And I must pause till it come back to me.

      • Sleep no more, Carnage doth murder sleep.

    • Don’t worry, it more than likely WON’T open on the Ides of March.

  4. I’m just thrilled about the possible legal drama here. Will they pay for a lawyer, or find someone to do the work Pro Bono? Will they be found innocent, or is the judge going to be all “U 2 Guilty?” I’m on The Edge of my seat in anticipation!

    P.S. You are a grown man. Stop calling yourself The Edge.

  5. (Pictured from Left to Right) The Edge, Bono, and Julie Taymor at the official opening/50th anniversary of Spider-Man:Turn Off The Dark

  6. Spiderman: Cut off the funding.

  7. I remain convinced that this entire piece is an “I’m Still Here” piece of performance art by Taymor about the capitalist take over of the music theatre world. Because pranks.

  8. We just had like 40 Spiderman movies over the last decade, the cast of which was openly scornful of doing somewhere around 1/2 way into the second one. Now there’s a reboot, because it’s been SO LONG since we’ve had Spiderman movies that the public’s appetite MUST BE SATED. There’s also a (cursed?) musical scored by U2, because…there are no good people writing musicals any more? I guess? Blerg.

    Question(s): What’s with our national Spiderman obsession? When did this happen? When will it end? And why won’t someone just come up with an idea for a movie/musical that is less than 50 years old?

    • My friend wrote “The Metric System: The Musical” and it was pretty fucking good, but stupid tourists from the midwest (the only people who actually see shows on broadway) woouldnt pay $300 a ticket for something like that.

    • Point of clarification: Sony is rebooting Spier-man because if they don’t do something with the property, the film rights revert back to Marvel and Disney. It’s the exact same reason why Fox is still pumping out X-Men and Ghost Rider films and are thinking of rebooting Daredevil. All these comic properties got bought up when there was the “SUPERFUCKINGHERO MOVIES ARE MAKING FUCKING MONIES!!!! BUY! BUY! BUY!” And now, in order to keep the licenses, they actually have to MAKE them. CONSTANTLY.

      Because even a shitty, SHITTY superhero flop dog poo bleh of a movie still makes money, as long as the company puts forth the advertising budget to make sure the movie-going public THINKS it might be good, although it RARELY is.

  9. Of course something the Edge works has a ton of delay(s).

  10. Spider Man: Turn off the Lights and GO TO BED

  11. Going off topic here. I have a bet with colleagues at work. Who is cuter: Joseph Gordon Levitt or Ryan Gosling?

  12. Every day when I come into work I pass the theatre with the HUGE sign out in front for it, and some days there will be a gigantic line of people camping outside in the cold (I guess they’re still giving sneak previews of the whole disaster in progress?).

    It gives me a certain level of comfort to know that I will continue to see that huge sign and the sad people for eternity…or until the producers finally decide to cut their losses and shut the whole thing down.

  13. More importantly; when is someone going to green light the Italian Spiderman musical?

  14. Please tell me you have more of those.

  15. Turn off the SHOW.

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