“Cut!” the director shouted. Brad Pitt relaxed, breathing out through his mouth the way that his live-in yoga instructor had taught him. It had been a strenuous five minutes of playing make believe for millions of dollars, but Brad Pitt looked like he had just woken up from a refreshing nap. (In reality, it had been almost half an hour since his last nap. If anyone ever asked how he managed this extraordinary feat of focus and endurance he would just say “Goji berries.”) A woman walked up, apologizing profusely as she used a lint brush to clean the front of his overalls. He was playing a country boy! The irony of a woman cleaning lint off of dirty overalls did not cross anyone’s minds, least of all Brad Pitt’s. He tried his best never to think about anything ever. It was just easier. Although, he had to admit that every once in awhile a stray thought did break free. Something like, you ARE handsome, or go have sex. But usually: a totally peaceful blank slate. “OK, everybody, thank you for all your hard work. Let’s take a six hour break while the lighting crew sets up for the next shot.”
Six hours, Brad Pitt thought to himself. Just enough time to play a classic behind the scenes prank!
Back in his trailer, Brad checked his Prank Wallet where the day’s Prank Budget was kept. Hmmm. Only $3,000,000 in cash. He would have to keep this one pretty low-key, but hey, hilarious laughs and good funtimes were not just about money. Some of the happiest times in his life were when he was just starting out as an actor and only made hundreds of thousands of dollars per role. Back then, he didn’t even HAVE a personal prank assistant. He had to pull off all his wonderful pranks with no help except for his regular personal assistant, who had to run prank errands in between her latte and laundry errands. It was a different world back then (he only owned ONE island in Dubai, for example) but Brad Pitt remembered it fondly, as his personal memory assistant was always pointing out to him.
“OK, team,” he said to his huge team. “Let’s prank a co-star!”
Everyone dispersed with their various assignments. Soon, the prank was prepared and it was just up to Brad to pull it. He walked around the set like nothing was out of the ordinary. These were the sweetest moments, right before a prank was pulled. Brad PItt lived for these moments. He also lived to have sex with Angelina Jolie, and spend millions of dollars renovating castles as part of his “interest” in architecture, and he also enjoyed getting different haircuts. But mostly he lived for these moments. He grabbed an apple from the craft services table. Just a regular old apple, folks, nothing to see here. “What’s that?” a civilian wearing a headset asked. Whoops. Sometimes Brad Pitt said things out loud in a 1930s newspaper-barker accent without realizing it. Brad Pitt was a nice enough guy, though. He just gave the kid a $50,000 bill and went on with his business.
“Hey,” Brad Pitt said, casual as could be, as he sidled up to his co-star.
“Hey Brad, how’s it going today? How’re the kids?” the man asked.
“They’re great! How did you…have we talked about my kids before?” Brad was starting to feel a little nervous. Was his co-star a crazy stalker?
“Well, no, but, you know, you’re internationally famous and your family is famous just for BEING your family, although your girlfriend, wife, whatever she is, she’s also very famous, so everyone kind of knows you have kids. But I didn’t mean to pry.”
“OK, then. Let’s just forget it,” Brad was getting bristled. He didn’t even know if he felt like pranking this guy anymore. “I’m sorry, what’s your name again?”
“Robert Downey Jr.”
“Right.” Brad Pitt often forgot peoples names if they weren’t as famous as he was. Which was everybody’s names. Except for Queen of England and Mickey Mouse. He had them both on speed-dial. “Richard–”
Brad PItt had already forgotten! Haha. It would be a fun story to tell on a talk show later. He would have to remember to ask his personal memory assistant to remind him to tell his personal talk show anecdote assistant to tell his personal write things down assistant to write this one down. Brad Pitt started whistling. Very casual. No one suspected a prank from the guy who was whistling. “Have you been to your trailer recently?” Brad Pitt asked as if he didn’t even care about the answer, which was how he asked most of his questions anyway, but this time he actually did care about the answer.
“Haha. No reason. OK, see you later.”
Brad Pitt walked away. OH MAN. He could not wait to see the look on Randolph Downward Janitor’s face when he got pranked. Brad Pitt hid behind his personal hiding place assistant. His co-star…shoot, he had forgotten his name again, but the guy he had just been talking to finished typing out a text on his Blackberry and walked towards his trailer. Later, Brad Pitt would recommend his former personal Blackberry assistant, who he really thought Rodney Gownbore Jackie would love. But for now, he just waited, barely able to contain himself. After a moment, Igor Donut Sofa came over.
“Did you do this, Brad Pitt?”
Brad PItt collapsed in a fit of giggles.
“Did you renovate my rented trailer into a Park Avenue mansion, painstakingly shipped over brick-by-brick? Are you the one who installed a custom chef’s kitchen with an 8-burner Viking stove and platinum fixtures, a boom boom room in the basement with a 700-inch 3D plasma TV, a sustainable green roof-deck, and a soaking tub in the master bathroom overlooking the ocean? Did you move the ocean, Brad Pitt? Who did this? Brad, did you park a Maserati in the driveway of my trailer with a vanity plate that says “Tha Best” as well as digging a swimming pool in the back in the shape of my face?”
OH MAN. ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL PRANK. Brad shook his head.
“It wasn’t you?”
Brad shook his head so hard.
“Well then who did?”
Brad couldn’t hold it in anymore. “YOU GOT ME IT WAS ME I PRANKED YOU DOBBY DOBBER DUNDOR!” He bent over and held onto his knees, his face bright red. He tried to catch his breath and then looked up and waved his personal breathing assistant over. When he had composed himself he stood back up. “You’re not mad are you?”
“No,” Robert Downey Jr. said. “I’ve been taking anger management counseling.”
“We were just having a little fun,” Brad Pitt said. “Sorry, man. You know how it is.”
“OK, guys, back to work!” the director called out through his director horn. Everyone went back to work.