Photos
Look, at the end of the day it’s OK that Gwyneth Paltrow hires a bunch of college freshmen to write a lifestyle newsletter under her name about platinum mid-century bathroom fixtures. It’s not actually HURTING anyone. But does she have to be SUCH. A FUCKING. LIAR about it? The new “issue” of Goop is up in which Gwyneth provides useful tips to WORKING MOTHERS like HERSELF. Oh good GOD. NO. FUCKING. WAY. NO. NOPE. She is fucking with us now, right? That is almost comically offensive! I’m pretty sure the publication of this issue of Goop is what happens just before the beginning of Children of Men. “People just stopped having babies. We don’t know why.” Yes we do. BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO BUSY BARFING. She begins:
One of our readers emailed GOOP about “finding a good balance between having a career and being a mom,” which got me thinking about the other extremely busy working mothers I know and what their days might be like. I asked Juliet de Baubigny, a venture capitalist I met (it’s no wonder this woman is so freakin’ successful—spreadsheets for family packing … wow!), and fashion designer Stella McCartney to send in a day in their lives to see how they do the mothers’ special—everything all at once. I learned a lot and got some good tips from these ladies. And, because some of you have asked what one of my days looks like, I’ve included a random one of my more manic days from last November.
Right. Perfect. She asked TWO OTHER MILLIONAIRES to provide advice in addition to her advice as a MULTI-MILLIONAIRE WHO LIVES IN A CASTLE IN ENGLAND. You know, just useful tips for the workin’ mom. (I also love that she picked a day from last November. From the vault!) Now let us talk about this fucking day:
Oh, let’s just note right off the bat, she is so busy “WORKING” and “CARING FOR HER CHILDREN” that she has no time for PUNCTUATION. So busy! So full of shit! OK, let’s do this.
Gwyneth’s day on November 4th, 2010:
When I got downstairs this morning at the crack of whenever [Ed. note: right], the coffee machine said “ERROR 8” and wouldn’t let me make the cup I had been dreaming about [Ed. note: First of all, LIAR, you were not dreaming about a cup of coffee so shut up. Second of all, your coffee machine is clearly just your typical working mom's SUPERCOMPUTER coffee machine]. This begs the question: is it odd to dream yourself to sleep thinking about the next morning’s coffee? Not a good beginning. [Ed. note: Yeah. You know who else had a rough beginning? The servant who died in their panicked rush to find you coffee, because that definitely also happened.] Got Apple [Ed. note: Apple] all fed and dressed in her uniform [Ed. note: RIGHT.] and ready to go but no sign nor sight of Moses [Ed. note: Moses] at 8 am and we have to be out of the house by 8:20. I went up to arouse the little man from slumber [Ed. note: "arouse the little man from slumber"? Add this to your long to-do list, Gwyneth: Fire your ghostwriters. Get new ghostwriters] and he quite happily got up and crawled into my arms [Ed. note: ugh]. We got downstairs and I made him a quick breakfast of eggs and toast followed by a spoonful of lemon flavored flax oil that I try to remember to give them both every morning [Ed. note: right]. Getting everyone into the car [Ed. note: Haha. "The car"] on time was a challenge; we’re going through a phase where no one seems to be responding to me (“Time to put on your shoes” … No response.) It is the school Christmas toy drive deadline today so before jumping into the car, we pack up and finish decorating the shoe boxes with toys, toothbrushes, hats, scarves, books, etc, for the school Christmas toy drive [Ed. note: You know that not one of the things you mentioned is a "toy" right?]. Once the kids really understand that the toys go to children around the world who will not be as fortunate as they are this year, they very sweetly take trips to the playroom adding their own toys and books to the boxes. Somehow managed to get to school just as the old-fashioned bell [Ed. note: ???????] rang. Moses was a bit teary today so I hung around and watched him through the window. Periodically he would check to make sure I was still there. When all was well I dodged off [Ed. note: Not a thing that people say] as fast as possible but was still late to the 9 am workout. [Ed. note: So, just to clarify, after your hectic morning of flax seed oil and uniforms, you were almost late to...THE GYM. Got it.] Did dance aerobics for 45 minutes then all of the butt lifts and the like [Ed. note: "All of the Butt Lifts and the Like: The Gwyneth Paltrow Story"]. Rushed upstairs to have a shower, doing my post workout stretch while the conditioner was doing its magic on my hair to combine activities/save time. Dressed quickly and rushed downstairs. On a less manic day [Ed. note: You have no idea what "manic day" means, but go on], this would be my couple of hours in the office to work on GOOP [Ed. note: right], come up with ideas, write/edit [Ed. note: "write/edit"] and go over scheduling, travel, whatever else I have going but I have no time so I just pop the old cabeza in [Ed. note: UH, WHAT?] to see if there are any deadlines or fires that need putting out [Ed. note: Let me guess, there were no fires that needed putting out? Because there are never any fires that need putting out?]. When I am given the all clear [Ed. note: By whom? Your boss? You don't have a boss. Who do you think you are talking about?] I rush out the door, headed to rehearse with a band to prepare for the Country Music Awards which are just a week away. I’ve never performed live before so I’m preparing for this as if it were the Superbowl, which, in it’s own way, it is. [Ed. note: No, it is not. Not in its own way or in any other way.] I’ve been having voice lessons with my teacher, Carrie Grant, every day and rehearsing with an amazing London-based band. [Ed. note: This too shall pass!] This will be my fourth and shortest rehearsal of the week, as the day is so full, but I am excited to get in there and see everyone. Had to do my vocal exercises/warmups in the car, sooo not a good look. Fellow drivers looked on a bit bewildered. [Ed. note: A) This sounds like a lie, but B) I'm sure if it is true the drivers were just bewildered to see a working mom such as yourself looking so frazzled from SUCH a busy morning. Not, you know, because they are looking at a movie star being driven around in a chauffeured Bentley or whatever the fuck.] Rehearsed with the band from 11:30 to 12:30 and then scooted back out to the car and had kind of a big interview on the phone while trying to subtly check/reply to well-overdue email [Ed. note: #humblebrag]. Got home and had a fitting with super stylist Elizabeth Saltzman for the upcoming Nashville trip (what to wear, what to wear?) from 1-2. This is my 4th out of 5 fittings for this trip. We tried on a myriad of dresses and outfits, and I had b.o. by the end of it from wrestling with all of those dresses [Ed. note: #humblebrag]. I have six looks I need to choose for the trip; there’s the radio press conference upon arrival, the red carpet for the Country Strong premier, press interviews, a Sony Music VIP dinner, the red carpet for the CMA’s and the outfit for my performance! [Ed. note: "You know, WORKING MOM STUFF! Where do WE find the time?!] We manage to finalize all of the looks for the (very nerve wracking) trip. At 2 pm I head into my office with a nice cup of tea [Ed. note: Right] for two hours of phone interviews. I am doing lots of these this week, but today’s session is only two hours. [Ed. note: Guess this ISN'T that hectic of a day, then!] I call country radio station after country radio station speaking to some of the nicest and friendliest DJ’s on the planet [Ed. note: Relax]. Thursday is the one day of the week that I do not pick my kids up after school [Ed. note: Sure]. They go straight to an activity [Ed. note: Hunting ex-cons on our private game preserve] and I am able to really maximize work stuff . I always feel a bit guilty (obviously) about it [Ed. note: (obviously)], but it means I can focus fully on them when they get home instead of trying to do two things at once [Ed. note: Two things at the same time like what? Raising your kids while also not having a real job?]. At 4pm, my weekly owners’ and managers’ call takes place for the Tracy Anderson Method with our brilliant CEO Stephanie Stahl taking the lead. I basically listen and try to learn. Kiddies burst through the door and play in my office while I finish up, just drawing and hanging out and of course playing Plants vs Zombies on the iPad [Ed. note: "My two infant children have iPads. "Obviously."], their obsession that I have to limit like crazy! What up, gamers. [Ed. note: WHAT UP, GAMERS.] Then downstairs to make cupcakes for tomorrow’s bake sale. It is ‘Bonfire night’ in the UK tomorrow and the bake sale is to celebrate and to raise money for charity [Ed. note: Someone has to think of the non-famous]. We decide on vanilla cupcakes with pink icing and green icing (from Tate’s Bakeshop cookbook with the icing from American Desserts cookbook) [Ed. note: Name-dropper]. At 6:30 pm we all get in the bath [Ed. note: Yikes! Stephanie Seymour 2.0] and it’s hair washing night for the kids (every other night—never popular). Then back downstairs to check on cupcakes and have a visit from an auntie and uncle. The kids indulge in a super sugary cupcake before bed but I don’t feel too bad because they had a brown rice stir fry for dinner with baked sweet potato on the side. It’s all about balance! [Ed. note: Your kids definitely aren't going to be a mess when they grow up, it's just not possible!] My night to lay with Mosey so I tuck Apple in, say a prayer and go into Mosey’s room for a story, foot massage and quiet time. As soon as all was quiet, I rushed downstairs to grab a blazer and some blush and flung myself in the car for girls night. [Ed. note: Yup! EVERY night is girls night when you're a busy working mom!] Lovely dinner and great conversation. 11:29 pm now, exhausted and ready to do it all again tomorrow!
So, just to recap: she went to the gym, tried on a dress, did a radio interview, and made cupcakes, all before going out to dinner with friends. AMERICANBRITISH HERO! How DOES she do it? Oh, here’s how:
Gwyneth’s time saving tips:
Schedule your time well. When I know what I am doing from hour to hour I get more done. Write it all in the day’s calendar, what you want to accomplish and in what time frame. [Ed. note: If you find that one personal assistant isn't enough, try two or even three personal assistants!] Focus on the task at hand. Be thorough. [Ed. note: Whether this is going to the gym, or coming home from the gym.] I cook a lot, especially on the weekends, so I like to plan a rough menu for the whole weekend and get the food in on Friday. Obviously stores and websites that deliver make this a dream. In London I use Ocado. Also James Knight, my favorite fishmonger, will deliver. Having all of the ingredients means I’m prepared even when I don’t think I am. [Ed. note: You should become a famous movie star, marry a famous rock star, move to London, and shop at Ocado and my fishmonger, James Knight! It saves you a TON of money on food.] I always lay the kids uniforms and school things out the night before once they are asleep. When it’s quiet I can check the “kid list” for show and tell items to bring in, consent forms, ballet kit, etc, so that the morning is less of a scramble. [Ed. note: Another option is to have someone on your castle staff take care of this, but just make sure someone does it, otherwise you'll be 10 minutes late to brunch.] The school run is a great time to return calls (in whichever direction that the kids are not in the car) so don’t forget your hands-free device. [Ed. note: If you tell your driver to take the scenic route, it will buy you some extra time to call your agent!]
Un. Fucking. Believable. Every time I think that Gwyneth Paltrow can’t out-asshole herself, she surprises me. I can only imagine what GWONDERS 2011 has in store!
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Gwyneth’s trusty Videogum defender, Teacherman is not here today to protect her. SO LET’S GET HER, MONSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bring it.
Gabe’s edits are really funny-no doubt. Arg, I have to say it–you don’t have to subscribe to GOOP and torture yourself. I do read GOOP, I laugh a lot but I take away what I can. As a reader/writer, I read everything from Derrida to English Vogue. Yes I puke in my mouth a good amount of time, but it makes me appreciate my idol/athletes like Lindsey Vonn and other chics who shred and kick butt. Celebrities clearly are not like us, but like my master’s thesis adviser once said, “what you do all day most days is who you are”– So yes, this is their day, this is who and what they are. She is unapologetic about what she puts out there so don’t make her apologize- just don’t read it if you want to rage after reading it.
What I find funny are the little insults she gives her own kind. Several years ago in an English Vogue she stated that she wasn’t as cool as Kate (Moss) and Sadie (Frost). What she really wanted to say that is they weren’t her intellectual equals. “Yeah they are”–
arouse the little man from slumber #twssarchives
Amazing that she had to go back to november to actually find a ”busy” day. And it involves a an hour of singing, answering questions on a phone, picking out dresses, CUPCAKES, and a girl’s-night-out while some ghost watches her kids sleep. As a busy mother myself, I can totally relate (NOT)
Didn’t she pick this day so she could talk about Country Strong? I assume that’s what all the interviews are for, the singing thing etc. She’s gone on this particularly aggravating run of “I CAN RELATE TO YOU” themed press recently, talking about “Oh my god, I ate so much fried chicken because I’M NORMAL LIKE YOU AND SO IS MY CHARACTER IN MY NEW MOVIE COUNTRY STRONG PLEASE SEE IT”
Me, before Videogum: “Gwyneth Paltrow? Meh.”
Me, after Videogum: “Gwyneth Paltrow? HIss. Grrr. Boo.”
Bow down to her if you like…Gwyneth Paltrow, the Queen of SLime, the queen of muck, the queen of puuuuuuuutresence! Boo! Boo! Boo! Rubbish. Slime. Muck. Boo! Boo!
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again:
Deal with it.
Oof, after reading that I want to pop my old cabeza in an oven (with panache like Gwyneth in Sylvia of course).
Gabe’s really turning up the volume on the GP vitriol in 2k11. If that was his new years resolution he is TOTALLY CRUSHING IT.
I think it was Gwyneth’s New Year’s resolution to be a more horrible person, so the Gabe hate is just adjusting accordingly.
I’m pretty sure people partaking in the real Superbowl practice for more than 1 hour a day.
Members of the Buffalo Bills, 1990-1994: “We were supposed to practice?”
Yeah, sure. But if they only ran 1 play the whole game….Apples and Apples!
I’m pretty sure the rest of “her band” was practicing more than one hour per day.
I actually disagree. They’re probably excellent players who are reading off a chart written by their director or the show’s music director. They could probably do two takes and have it.
Yeah, you’re probably right.
Gabe. I don’t wanna be presumptuous, but you’ve been doing an awful lot of Gweneth bashing lately. Did you guys have a fight or something?
Can we stop pretending and just call it the “Gwyneth Paltrow Promise”?
Isn’t/wasn’t she married to someone?
I like that she pretends to be a singe mom.
He must sleep on the other side of the castle.
single*
Chris Martin is too busy brooding to be a father.
Speaking of, he’s just as terrible as the GOOPernator:
“According to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, his band’s fifth album will be a meditation on “love, addiction, OCD, escape and working for someone you don’t like.” The singer told BBC Radio 1 DJ Zane Lowe that despite his previous claims, the new record will not be a traditional concept album but instead a very personal work with a consistent set of themes.”
IT MUST BE SO HARD BEING COLDPLAY
Maybe this is from a day he was on tour. Maybe he doesn’t help her with childcare. Maybe he lives in a separate castle.
Ugh, ABR, of course.
“but I have no time so I just pop the old cabeza in [Ed. note: UH, WHAT?] ”
Wiki says: Cabeza is a Spanish word meaning “head”. In Mexican cuisine, it is used to describe the meat from a roasted head of a cow, served as a taco or burrito filling[1].
I have no idea how that makes any sense in the context of whatever she is dodging on and on about.
I had to read this rambling mess of a sentence 4 or 5 times. It translates to: Gywnnie is very, very busy today doing normal working mom things like rehearsing for the Country Music Awards and getting fitted for her movie premiere and doing promotional phone interviews. So instead of being able to devote several hours to her GOOP office, she just sticks her head in. She uses the term “cabeza” to show what a fiery, zesty Latina she is.
We can all relate: how can I balance feeding my kids and hosting Saturday Night Live?
Tip #1: Hire a full-time nanny
Tip #2: Always fly by private jet, it’s a huge time saver that lets you spend more time with your kids.
I remember seeing an article a few years ago with Angelina Jolie and/or The Pitt giving advice on traveling with large families. Really? I know…private jet travel is so exhausting. And Bentley shuttle (one large enough to carry a million kids plus nannies) to and from the castle is a real bitch as well.
Just got this e-mail from mosessupposes@coldplay.co.uk:
“Mr. Lloyd Wrong:
Sorry to be so up front, but I’m in distress and I very much need some help. My mother believes me to be playing “Plants vs Zombies” but I’m using my work iPad to contact you. I know you are not the biggest supporter of my mother and have the ability to ring London Child Protective Services.
Please do so with great alacrity. While I still have my senses about me, I fear that it may soon be too late to save my dear sister Apple, as she has developed quite the taste for quail, marinated in Malbec and dipped in the darkest of chocolates.
I await your reply. As The Poet once wrote, “‘The game’s afoot: Follow your spirit, and upon this charge. Cry ‘God for Harry, England, and Saint George!’ ”
Yours,
Moses Martin. OBE”
We can hate all we want, but we do have to give Gwyneth some credit. Clearly, she’s raised her children to become outstanding formal business letter writers. Those skills will serve them well when they sue for emancipation in 3 or 4 years.
well did you call them!?
Dammit, I hate to say it, but Moses Martin is my hero now. Because “mosessupposes” is obviously the best handle of all time.
…now, does stealing that handle mean I should legally change my name too…?
“… we’re going through a phase where no one seems to be responding to me (“Time to put on your shoes” … No response.)”
YEAH, BEING A PARENT IS SOOOOOOO HARD
I think Gwyneth should hire Gabe as her new ghostwriter. He actually made that goop readable.
I almost wonder if her ghostwriters are Videogum readers, subtly crafting all this great content for us.
This sarcastic Fire Joe Morgan-ing of a GOOP newsletter will go down as Grandpa Gabe’s tour de force.
The lack of FJM in our empty lives is just one of many reasons someone needs to start SportsGum.
Ken Tremendous over here.
If Ken Tremendous has one failing it’s that he is a Red Sox fan.
You left out one of her friends’ responses, which offered such helpful advice as have the personal trainer come to your home first thing Monday morning (!) and get a weekly blowout so you don’t have to wash your hair every day.
I love that her friends are the same kind of gaping, giant assholes that she is:
“I try to organize a girls’ night once a quarter and do something really fun together.”
OOOoooohh!!! Like syncronize your contact lists while sipping a white wine spritzer and ignoring the fact that you ONLY SEE YOUR FRIENDS FOUR TIMES A YEAR??? Close friends. Fun.
Ah Ginger SNAP!!!!!
Is that Jon Bernthal?
He’s got a big face but it isn’t Jon Bernthal big.
I think it would be super if gwyenth paltrow made the Ball this week… just sayin’!
Everyone, please deposit your upvotes here.
ya burnt!!
I upvoted this just so that it makes Monster’s Ball, but devoid of context.
It’s true!
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/330/my-reputation
I hope she writes a whole separate entry on the benefits on infant foot massages.
I was confused about that entry, too. Maybe a full-time masseuse lives in Mosey’s closet and appears when Mum’s had a “manic day”?
Between “arousing” her son from his sleep and giving him foot massages, I’m frankly concerned about the child’s welfare.
I think you guys misread that sentence. She was clearly saying that she went in to Moses’ room so that he could give her her nightly foot massage.
“We tried on a myriad of dresses and outfits,…” misuse of the word, “myriad.” IT’S NOT A NOUN! Then again, I don’t expect a college freshman to know that.
I should clarify, academically you must use it as an adjective. I suppose she’s trying to relate to the lay members of society and use it the way plebs would. I’m with you Gabe, she’s insulting, narcissistic, and THE WORST.
It sounds like you’re giving her WAY too much credit. I can almost assure you that she thought she was using that word correctly.
Plus BEGS THE QUESTION AHHHH!!! Everyone, please please please stop misusing “beg the question.”
That one is going the way of “hopefully.”
By that do you mean it is becoming proper usage because word meanings and grammar rules tend towards being descriptive rather than prescriptive and hopefully, in the context you are referring to has been around for age and no one ever mistakes the meaning when it is used?
That is EXACTLY what I mean, my Vermonter friend.
And YOU’RE arrogant and pompous.
And wrong! I am realizing that people thinking they are correcting language but being wrong annoys me so much more than people just being wrong.
That is a pet peeve of mine as well!
Oh really? Over-correction is worse than common misuse, which this isn’t. Myriad is a noun, and has been, according to Webster since the 16th Century.
What Up, Gummers.
I like what you did there.
that is the creepiest thing i’ve ever seen.
No gif has given me as much joy as this one. Sir, you are a SCHOLAR and a GENTLEMAN.
I don’t get what is so offensive about her naming her child Moses, my brother’s kid is named Moses and he’s just a normal working class guy! [Ed. note: My brother is a RABBI though. Yikes, Gwyneth!]
I think it’s the fact that her two children are named “Moses” and “Apple.” Neither of those names are stupid by themselves. But when considered together, they become very stupid.
Also, “Apple” is actually very stupid by itself, so never mind.
I love that Apple is just one “i” away from being an Apple Martini. Built in Stripper Name! Good timesaver Gwyneth!
GODDAMMIT PALTROW. Not only is she corrupting “gp” so that everyone associates it with terrible, SHE USED “BEGS THE QUESTION” WRONG. I hate that so much. I hate her so much. Awful. Terrible.
She uses everything wrong.
This was great. That’s all I have to contribute to this dialogue.
+1. I just very much enjoyed reading the post as well. It was very funny and made me laugh out alot a lot.
As a busy working mom, I can tell that no one here, including Gabe, is a busy working mom. As a busy working mom, I find Gwyneth Paltrow inspiring, and I am always excited when I see a new issue of GOOP in my inbox. My family loves the recipe for cold turnip soup that Gwyneth got from Mike D’s wife, and the wisdom Rabbi Boteach shared after his lengthy conversations with Michael Jackson have transformed my relationship with both my daughter, Fartlin, and my husband. I am really looking forward to trying some of Gwyneth’s time-management tips. I really need to fit some cupping sessions into my hectic schedule as a busy working mom!
I am serious at a loss here…someone help me out.
Fake?
Fake? No! Just a busy working mom who never understood the importance of a regular cleansing fast before I became a GOOP subscriber.
I thought I was the only one in the world who named my daughter Fartlin.
So this is what it feels like, when doves cry.
Why are you such a jerk, Gabe? Everyone knows venture capitalists make the best parents.
a average day in life of real working mom:
bedtime-9am : up every three hours feeding 3month old
9am-12pm: do dishes, put one of four loads of laundry in, feed baby and older child breakfast and bathe and dress both, feed cat, vaccuum, shower, go over older childs school work, make beds, shake out rugs and sweep kitchen floor,
12:30pm : drop older child off at kindergarten go to grocery store and bank
3:30pm : pick child up from school, go to library, head home to make dinner and do homework
5:30 pm : husband comes home from work – kiss everyone buy and head out
6pm-2am: work
repeat
I dont know though, gwyneths day does sound rough
Love your avatar. Squints is the best.
FUCK ME. But more importantly, fuck you Gwyenth Paltrow.
As a working mom I have to point out that:
-Many of us don’t have time to exercise
-We also don’t have time to condition our hair, never mind LEAVING it in during the cool down (um, that would require stepping into the shower twice? who has time for that? We are greateful when we can step into the shower once.)
-We don’t have time to decorate shoe boxes in the morning, as we are busy looking for a Fiber One bar at the bottom of our purse that our kid can eat on the way to school (this *is* an actual time saver, as not only do you multitask waling to school and eating breakfast, but you can ensure your child has a BM at school and not at home, because you don’t want to tie up the bathroom for 20 minutes in the evening.
-Our kids are NEVER in the bath by 6:30
-stir fry dinner doesn’t just magically appear
i am really fixated on how much she claims to have accomplished between 8:00 and 8:20 AM? she apparently got the kid out of bed, cleaned up, dressed, made fucking EGGS AND TOAST, decorated shoe boxes, organized new gifts, sent the children to collect some used toys, and got them in the car? that is like a full half day for me.
yeah that part bugged the most I think… I guess because it is such irrefutable flat-out bullshit.
chaka khaannnnn!
Just saying a Burlington hey. Any good O.N.E stories? I haven’t had any recently.
And now we come to the part where I disappoint you. I…I MOVED. To fucking Montpelier. You know what’s interesting about Montpelier? Everyone has slept with everyone else and everyone knows about it. It’s like 50% lovely “smallest capitol city in the country, how quaint!” and 50% seedy underbelly of the alternative hippie lifestyle. And there is nothing that can even begin to approach the James Lean. I’m actually coming up to the “big city” tonight for dinner at Trattoria Delia – have you ever been there?
Trattoria is incredible, and expensive; I’ve only been once and was only disappointed that I was spending much with a friend instead of a date.
So is being in Montpelier like being a college freshman, people leering at you with a “fresh meat” stare?
Yes! And you know the most uncomfortable details about people who are essentially strangers. And only one restaurant delivers food. Jesus, it is hard being white and middle-class in the healthiest state in the nation. Someone should make a movie about it.
Hey, look at the hilarious photo that the Toronto Star gossip blogger came up with for this story!
http://thestar.blogs.com/stargazing/2011/01/a-day-in-the-life-of-gwyneth.html
I emailed the writer and she said she would give videogum credit (I assume Gabe made it). It’s a really slow day at work today.
Um, “Image from Videogum”? I think they mean “Concept for this blog from Videogum.”
Yeah, she sent me a email and said someone sent her that image and she didn’t know it was from VG. After reading her article, I think she just ripped the whole thing off.
Holy shit, that is BLATANT thievery.
Malene Arpe: “Whatever. I write for Gabe, and Videogum. I wrote those bits.”
http://videogum.com/176202/america-meet-your-new-joke-thief-nick-madson/stand-up-comedy/
“I am the worst.” -The Toronto Star
I left a comment on her blog…..
Here is the link…..
http://thestar.blogs.com/stargazing/2011/01/a-day-in-the-life-of-gwyneth.html
I just created an account to say this made my day. I cannot remember the last time I laughed this hard while reading something to myself.
Me too! First comment, though I’ve wanted to be a VG Monster FOR YEARS (or weeks, or, you know, however long VG has been around). And I’m ashamed in the most awesome way that mocking Gwyneth was my reason for finally signing up.
Especially since I actually sorta dug her on “Glee.”
…OH GOD. Will my first comment be my last? No one here throws stuff, do they?
Yes, but we all throw like this, so no worries.
This cannot be repeated enough:
WHAT UP, GAMERS.
She must have been hanging out with Uncle Jay the day before.
What up, indeed. Good thing she’s limiting their PvZ exposure, or those kids would become totally desensitized to cartoon zombies being killed by plants.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
I don’t remember this scene from Pete & Pete.
Gross gif, bro.
Uh… please don’t put this shit in my eyes when I come here for laughs. Kthxbye.
Can we have an official moratorium on suicide gifs? Unless it’s of the band suicide?
Who the fuck downvoted a request for decency?
I almost wish I could still see what was here… almost.
I’d kick puppies to have a day like this.
Side note – I’m new to VG and have to say…I think I love each and every one of you. You are all mirrors of my hate-filled and black soul. Hugs and kisses!
softball: Shoulda called this blog Poop
*OMFG*LOL*
as yet another busy mom, i can say that if no one peed on your couch, threw up on your “myriad of dresses”, refused to eat their brown rice stir fry and cried until you fed them a hot dog, or ran around in the morning screaming before you even had a chance to go and “arouse them from their slumber”, then you had a PRETTY AWESOME DAY!!!
Gwyneth is terrible and all, but the worst part of that newsletter was Julie de Baubigny’s day:
“I have a great salon near me that I can go to at the end of the day to have a facial, manicure and pedicure at the same time. I’m in and out in 70 minutes. Not relaxing but efficient. Same for other appointments. I have acupuncture at 9.30pm at night.”
Real life guys, REAL LIFE.
I agree, but this is so angry. This is better.
http://thehairpin.com/2011/01/gwyneth-paltrow-enlists-rich-overacheivers-to-share-tips-on-being-the-best/
“The school run is a great time to return calls (in whichever direction that the kids are not in the car)”
What? Aren’t they only not in the car on the way back home? Is she saying that there’s a possibility that the kids aren’t in the car on the way to the school, but she wouldn’t know because her “car” is such an embarrassingly large stretch limo that she couldn’t even see her kids clearly with binoculars?
I sincerely thought this was another “you can make it up” feature until about halfway through. Until this moment I had not yet understood Gabe’s seemingly unreasonable hatred of Gwyneth Paltrow, she seemed like a decent enough yet incredibly overhyped actress back in the 90s and married the most offensively unoffensive man in music and named her kids Apple and Moses, but you know, I didn’t think it was as pretentious as I thought it was a naive attempt at poetic profundity by Chris Martin, who somehow hasn’t realized that he is just not artistic or profound at all because people keep telling him he is…
Before this very moment, this was all simply a background amusement, I would see them on the cover of tabloids at the grocery store and think, oh silly culturally 1990′s celebrities that never grasped the concept of irony, you make me feel somewhat better about myself as a person because of your simple-mindedness despite your immense wealth that I can’t even comprehend.
ONCE I REALIZED THIS WAS FOR REALZ, the only way this can make sense to me (since, clearly arich people from the 1990′s did not have the capabilities to grasp our post-modern and ironic and snarky sensibilities because THEY LIKED THE FARLEY BROTHERS movies more than the Cohen’s), the only possible explanation is that Gwyneth, having lived in England for so long (and I guess she always thought she was British because she started acting in movies like she was putting on a really bad American accent, like it was unnatural for her, even though she DOESN”T HAVE AN EXCUSE TO HAVE A BRITISH ACCENT), but anyway, she had been living in England for so long that she is a full-on, card carrying supporter of the Class System, and therefore the only people that qualify as “Working Moms” are people of her socio-economic level, mostly aristocratic old money types who say HELLOOOOOO like John Stewart’s impression, because well, the commons don’t count as people because to quote what I assume must be here thought processes when she occasionally thinks that those people that have jobs and employers are, and I believe this is verbatim, “just…ew, gross…fucking Plebs”.
SO Yeah Gabe you convinced me that Gwyneth Paltrow actually is the fucking worst! I don’t know why I never realized it before, maybe I didn’t want to accept the truth because I think I liked Shakespeare in Love when I saw it in English Class in Middle School, which took up like three days of class so that RULED…
Even to a (rather optimistic) cynical person like me, no one is really that FUCKING DUMB. Therefore she must be malicious and condescending and smug.
AND I am done with my rant, sorry for the excessive length, but I guess this article unleashed years of pent up hatred that I had buried deep down inside because of those three days where I didn’t have to argue with people I virulently disagreed with in my middle school English Class…Deep Shit, y’all.
“no one is that fucking dumb, therefore she must be malicious and condescending and smug”– yup, that’s it-it’s one or the other. oh fuck, and that’s not funny.
Gwenyth Paltrow has always annoyed me. I always thought she looks like a Fraggle.
HA! Hahahahahaha! Oh shit. That’s funny. Feed her to the garbage monster with the old granny glasses.
Oh my god, you’re right.
This is pretty mean. I mean she is rich, and totally doesn’t get it but is that a reason to be so hateful towards her. I think it’s kind of sad. She really does not relate with the average working mom at all, and she somehow think that she does….
She is missing one of the hugest most important components: the stress of money, that has a place in every thing a working mom does. For many of us, especially right now, working is the difference between life and death, and it causes a whole extra level of stress. We have to worry about getting food on the table and whether or not there will be enough money for food for the month, and how to budget what we make, and whether or not we ARE spending enough time with our kids. We have to make decisions based on how many hours we really can work, and balance time spent with our children with time spent making money, even if we love our jobs- they are jobs that we NEED, usually…the decisions MOST working moms make carry far more weight than what dress to wear to a premiere, and many of us NEVER see the gym, let alone have girls night out.
Even mothers who are well-off don’t usually spend their time making cupcakes or have a fisher-man bring them dinner. It’s not relatable at all….it is interesting to see how she lives, though.
gosh gywnnie, i spent the late afternoon and early evening dealing with the fact that one of my kids came home from school with LICE! eeewww eeww… how would you busy working mom deal with that? douse his head with flax oil? how do you build shit like THAT into your schedule? Nit-pick whilst working the phones for your latest movie? Gotta tell you, it was nothing but fun, those two hours spent combing over both sons’ heads. Really. Maybe your next issue of GOOP could be a whole “how to dress for lice” issue? Just a thought.
thanks for all the great tips! really, they were just SWELL! soooo apropriate for the lives of all the (working and non-working) moms I know.
Unsolicited advice time! Yay! I had very long hair when I was little and it took forever to get rid of the lice for good. Like literally months. It was hell and both my parents worked full time and were at the end of their ropes. The medicine is harsh and will drive your kids nuts. The most effective strategy is also totally the grossest thing in the world, so hopefully that will mean your boys are really into it. I swear to god, you have to deep condition their heads with mayonnaise. You have to do it regularly for at least a week to make sure you kill every single one of those fuckers. You comb mayonnaise into their hair and wrap it in cling wrap so everything suffocates. Buy some cheap pillows that you don’t mind ruining. It will work and as a bonus you’ll never want to eat mayonnaise again, so it’ll make your New Year’s Diet weight loss resolution that much easier. TIME SAVER!
It’s amazing how well the imagination still works when you have a Bloody Mary at 10 a.m. and keep it going all day!
you are obsessed with gwyneth paltrow. it’s weird.
So hilarious; I should share a day in the life of a real working mom: Get up at 6:30 if you are lucky, change a diaper, make/feed a bottle to baby, all before you even empty your own bladder, quickly bathe before the baby freaks and your husband leaves for work, throw on clothes, run back down fill your cup of coffee, start breakfast for baby while putting on make-up and drying hair, write a list of to-do’s for your nanny *OK maybe that is all I have in common with GP, sit in 40 mins of traffic thinking about all the stuff you need to do in time to relieve the nanny, staring out at pavement, grey skies, leafless trees, and disgruntled people, pager goes off to tell you a patient needs to be consented, try to grab your phone to call back while feeling totally guilty for driving and talking on the phone, get to work, shove some sort of food in your mouth, rush to see patients, round with the inpatient team, have a long drawn out family meeting where people cry and you feel like crap, tell more awful news to nice people, finally pee again, pay some online bills which reminds you yet again how much you still owe on your med school loans, dictate, answer emails, pages, phone calls, leave more dictations behind to get back in my car to rush and sit in traffic again, come home, feed baby, eat a frozen/take-out meal fast while baby clings to your leg for attention, play with baby, bathe baby, feed baby bottle and put to bed, change clothes, answer more work emails, and crash! And that is nothing compared to a single mom or a mom of more than one child.
GP needs to fire her 30 assistants including the one specifically hired to blow smoke up her ass and the one who told her this was a good topic to shit all over, plastic surgeon, psychiatrist, air-brush/make-up artist, driver, cook, personal trainer, wannabe enlightened guru shipped here from India or Tibet, and get a real job and then write about it if she is still awake enough to give a crap. Seriously, how self-indulgent and idiotic can one person be?
It’s so much fun making fun of celebs! I bet we enjoy it as much as Gwyneth enjoys looking down from her ivory tower at the common people with mock-pity.
Yeah and I bet Gwyneth has never cleaned up shit that her baby threw all over the walls and crib because they managed to get their diaper off by themselves.
REAL PARENTING.
You’re all just jealous. And I mean that sincerely. Black-hearted vitriol based on envy and unacknowledged feelings of insecurity and low self-worth. Instead of spewing bile in the direction of someone you don’t, and will never, actually meet or know – sort yourselves out. And have a nice weekend.
This is fucking hilarity! I would call this farcical if I didn’t know this was real! I mean…it’s not real…GP’s life is so removed from ground reality and all but the post is real. She actually wrote this garbage! Like, a teenager saying – “Today was the worst day of my life…ever! I had a pimple!”.
But, at least, you can expect them to grow up. Here the chances are so bleak…I mean this woman is supposed to be a grown up in every way…but is only legally grown up.