Videogum doesn’t ever really post videos from the Onion News Network because we just assume that you are already familiar with that site, that you probably consider it great because of how it is great, and that you subscribe to their video podcast on your Zune if it’s something that interests you, or you don’t subscribe to their video podcast on your Zune because for some reason it is not your cup of tea although you remain forever respectful of people’s differences ESPECIALLY when it comes to the highly subjective subject of what is “funny.” That being said, did you know that The Onion has two new TV shows coming out? The Onion News Network is getting its own show on IFC, premiering January 21st, and Comedy Central has an Onion show for the sportsheads called Sports Dome which premiered last night. It’s really funny. SURPRISE! Something that The Onion did is really funny! It is true, though, that at least personally, a parody of ESPN Sports Center is literally the last on my List of Desired Parodies (I keep this particular list in its own Moleskin. It’s very thorough) and yet even if you don’t know what a fieldzone is or who keeps all the bases up, there’s so many good laffs. My favorite from last night’s premiere was, of course, not actually sports related, because I refuse to care about sports until the Central Bureau of Sports Law inducts Napping into the Wide World of It, but man, the update on Crystal Meth Hallucination was so good!

Watch it here:

Sorry, meth addicts, your addiction is a horrible and ravaging disease, but if you were clearer headed even you might recognize that there are some very funny things to be said about your behavior and appearance and that The Onion SportsDome touched on many of them! This guy may or may not know what I’m talking about.

Comments (25)
  1. In the postgame interview, Rob Langer was quoted of saying, “I tried to go out there with a mentality of, ‘I’m sick of these monkey-fighting snakes in this Monday-to-Friday living room!’, and in the end, I came out on top.”

  2. “Make sure these shards are going to be flying-imaginary-snakes strength.”

  3. It wasn’t as esoteric to people with twelve sports apps on their phones as I thought it would be. The bit with Wade/James/Bosh taking over the league was great.

  4. This guy knows what I’m talkin’ bout.

  5. funny how much this sounds like WWE commentary

  6. True story. I had a roommate who banged on my door at 6 am one Saturday. He was holding a kitchen knife and a phone, and he told me a homeless man had broken into our apartment in the night and was sleeping in his bed (he himself had slept on the couch). I saw his bedroom door was ajar.

    “Look in,” he said, freaked out. Yes: there was a lump under the covers. We regrouped in the kitchen and he narrated into the phone: “My roommate is awake now and we are arming ourselves.” I had a length of pipe I kept for these occasions (dubious neighborhood). Should we call the police?, I asked. “That’s who this is,” he said, and he handed me the phone. It was a policewoman: “Sir, give us your address and we will send a car right over.”

    Just then roommate grabbed my arm. “Jesus! Did you see that? He’s working with the green men!” What? “Give me the phone!” I gave it and he said, “The green men are back! They are super fast and tiny but I got a good look this time. They are under the couch and they have rigged the living room with fishing line. It’s everywhere, it’s a whole criss-crossed network of tripwires! I don’t know what will happen if they get us! What? Here, she wants to talk to you.” He handed me back the phone.

    “Sir, is your friend okay? Do you want us to send a car to handle the homeless man?” I said, Um, hold that thought…

    When I used my pipe to flip the covers off the bed — my roommate screamed “AHHHHHH” — there was no one there. Roommate flabbergasted. “But… HE’S IN THE CLOSET NOW!”

    I got back on the phone and told the police nevermind, sorry; meanwhile, roommate tore his closet to shreds, looking.

    Not long after that, he passed out for 15 hours on a pile of all his things.

    (Postscript: It was not meth. It turned out he had a new backpain prescription and had triple-dosed himself and washed it down with lots of alcohol. God only knows what he went through for the 4-5 hours before he woke me up.)

    • That’s amazing…probably terrifying for him, but hilarious for us.

      I was going to tell the story about how I took a bunch of shrooms and felt like a lion and then tore into a mango like it was a gazelle and rinsed by the lake and ran away when i heard people because they always kill lions and i dont want to die, but your story was way better and more detailed than i can remember mine being.

  7. I watched this without audio, but I imagine him to be saying something like “Snake. Snake! Snake ass snake!!”

  8. Good to see Gibby Haynes is still getting work.*

    *A FLW Gold Star of the Day for the two, maybe three people who get this joke.

  9. They could have used him on that plane from that movie

  10. This is me in a Mosh Pit @ an EyeHateGod show.

  11. This was the funniest show i’ve seen in a LOOOOOONG time… they completely nailed the whole tone of Sportscenter. It got series recorded with the quickness five minutes in after that bit about Shaw having a heart attack & stroke during a game; that and the segment about the “handicapped” MMA fighter with the lightweight tungsten-alloy hands, plus the professional crystal meth hallucination and “Who Would You Kill?” had me in complete hysterics; just fantastic. I can’t wait for the news show.

  12. Poor guy was probably just doing some sort of weird training regimen in preparation for his next Shirling match. It’s a Gaelic-Italian tradition.

    New Snake!

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