Perfect! Now if her people could just repeat this winning formula with Gwyneth’s movies, television cameos, country songs, lifestyle newsletters, work-out routines, late night talk show appearances, fan fiction, PBS documentary series with Mario Batali, and music videos they might finally solve her image crisis!

Comments (24)
  1. I think it would have worked even better if they never mentioned her name.

  2. I liked the part where the button made a duck noise instead of blowing them up.

  3. Also not pictured: Gwyneth Paltrow’s sense of decency.

  4. This doesn’t solve anything. Just like The Devil, I don’t have to actually see Gwyneth to fear her existence.

  5. Speaking of The Worst Who Shall Not Be Named (Gwyneth Paltrow), I’m surprised you didn’t post a blog about her appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. They sang songs and wore ’90′s clothes.

  6. Also, speaking of late night shows, did anyone catch Conan where they aired that WB animation of an episode of Young Justice but with The Flaming C— Conan’s character he had Bruce Timm create for him— inplace of Superman? It was pretty funny to see him animated.

    But speaking of Bruce Timm, as a nerd I freaked out that Bruce Timm was on Conan’s show to begin with, and didn’t feel he was adequately talked up to put his contributions in animation into context for the casual viewer. I mean, the man is one of the greats that brought us the animated Batman cartoon from the 90′s. AND ‘Freakazoid!’ FREAKAZOID. Bruce Timm props. Let me see your hands up, America. Also, his glasses are SO BIG.

    Anyway, Gwyneth and Cee-lo. I wonder if she’s going to sing with him. I would not at all put it past her. She LOVES singing.

    • Favorite Freakazoid quote:

      Freakazoid: “Well, another case solved. I’m off!”
      Girl: “But Freakazoid, you can’t fly.”
      Freakazoid: “Oh yeah….. zoooooom. Zoooooooom.” (Runs away waving arms in the air)

      • I sounded out the Freakazoid! theme song on my alto saxophone and would play it when i warmed up in my middle school band class. Everyone was impressed (and by everyone, I mean not any of the girls).

        • This made me laugh so hard, and now people are looking at me in the library. Good job.

          • there was a weird period in my life where i would fantasize about being the jonathan brandiz character in sidekicks. so, i would fantasize about being in sort of real-life, action movie scenarios with chuck norris, butsort of as myself, but i was also sort of jonathan brandis.

            WEIRD!

            but the imdb plot summary for sidekicks is great, so, EAT IT UP

            ‘Barry is an asthmatic kid having trouble in life. He lives with his father, a computer programmer, in Texas. Barry is struggling to get by in life, dealing with his rough school life, bullies, as well as his health. Barry’s only source of enjoyment is fantasizing that he is with Chuck Norris. Barry becomes sick of getting picked on by the bigger guys, and decides to learn karate, in hopes of one day meeting the great Chuck Norris’.

            Take out the first 2 sentences, and that was ME. NUTSHELL.

  7. The reason why she’s not there is just that she has just been really busy at not worrying too much. Although I have never had the pleasure of meeting Gwyneth Paltrow, my thoughts are that she should drink a Bloody Mary for me this morning.

  8. don’t you do snl to promote, like, movies or tv show appearances to come? like, to announce a shining period of being in the forefront of peoples minds due to an intense saturation of ones’ self in the media? not, say, to announce a quiet, ashamed period of quasi-stardom right after said ‘shining period’ (heh) and during the downward slope of your fame?

  9. Oh man, a GOOP/Gilly skit would be amazing! (ly terrible!)

    • I’m no expert in the occult, but I think Gilly and Paltrow in one skit is the same thing as singing a Succubus’s song backwards. Make it so, SNL! Please!

  10. I think someone decided to have a Bloody Mary at 10 a.m. and keep it going all day!

  11. Gwyneth and I have enjoyed many bloody Mary’s together as she prepared for her latest movies. I could write a book! Instead, I wrote a website: http://www.mybigfatbloodymary.com

    Cheers!

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