Supposedly, Cindy Jacobs is a “prophet” but she doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page, so she can’t be that good. In fact, she’s probably terrible if this new video of hers is any indication. In it, she argues that the reason all of the dead birds and dead fish have been falling out of the skies and bubbling up from the lakes is because of the repeal of DADT. Oh lord, here we go. Of course, in order to even get to THAT ridiculous and offensive nonsense theory, she has to begin with the bible, which, you may recall, DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT WHO CAN FIGHT IN THE UNITED STATES MILITARY. And so, her founding premise is that the birds and the fish actually died because of gay…marriage? Except that the repeal of DADT doesn’t have anything to do with gay marriage? So what is she even talking about? (It goes without saying, but I will say it just in case, that obviously even if the repeal of DADT did have something to do with gay marriage, that would still not be the reason that the birds and the fish are getting murked.) It’s so weird that someone who is seriously arguing that birds and fish are dying because of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (a federal mandate instituted in the biblical year of 1993?) hasn’t thought the whole thing through very well! Usually these people are rigidly logical and they always rest their case.

Oh shut UP, Cindy Jacobs. You stupid asshole! (Via BuzzFeed.)

Comments (75)
  1. Gay marriage? I thought it was all that pork and shellfish we’ve been eating.

  2. Don’t Watch Don’t Care.

  3. I never knew it was possible to wear blue leopard print and talk smack about gay marriage at the same time.

  4. Well, it does say in Leviticus 313: 27, “And lo, if thee alloweth thy homos to fighteth with thy not homos, then I shall send thee a really obscure sign of my displeasure that will not immediately be apparent. And yea, some bitcheth will come forth and reveal the truth to thee, and ye shall know that dead birds means no homo.”

  5. It’s simple math. A + B = C.

    Gays in the Military + Acceptance = the End of Days.

  6. also – she cites DADT as a thing that came from an Arkasas governor – and then says that’s why the birds died there.

    wait, lady, you LIKE DADT. that’s the GOOD thing to you. birds die in Arkansas cause a GOOD thing came from Arkansas?

  7. Her mouth is saying “gay people bad!”, her purple leopard jacket says “faaabulous!”

  8. Hold on you guys, I found the REAL ten commandments.

    1. You shall not worship any other god butt.

    2. You shall not make a gayven image.

    3. You shall not take the name of God in bed with another man.

    4. You shall not break the Sabbath from doin’ dudes.

    5. You shall not dishonor your parents by being gay.

    6. You shall not murder, lest it be a homosexual soldier.

    7. You shall not commit gay adultery.

    8. You shall not steal glances in the locker room.

    9. You shall not commit perjury, or be gay.

    10. You shall not covet dicks and butts.

  9. Who do we have to let into the military so that God kills this fucking lady instead?

  10. I shudder to think what will happen when they repeal TL;DR

  11. What an odd little boy, this cindy jacobs…

  12. You guys, I think I found the missing link here:

  13. She’s happy to point the finger at who killed the birds, but I’m guessing she’d be really quiet if someone started asking who’s killing all our purple leopards.

    • They should be killed. The Bible clearly states that a Huckabeast shall not lay with a white leopard. Dead purple leopards get what they deserve.

  14. I never knew Wilma Flintstone was so hateful.

  15. Every time I see this trollop pop up, I figure somehow Amy Sedaris’s retarded twin finally escaped from the attic.

  16. “In the year 2000, birds will be killed by federal legislation.”

  17. Oh man. When I was younger my parents used to attend the church she also attended. This meant I also had to go. I’ll never forget when she gave a guest sermon in which she dedicated a significant portion to telling the congregation to repent if you had seen the Titanic. Because you know. Leo and Kate. Naked drawing. Steamy window and hand!!!!! That be BAD sinners!

  18. Guys, all the crappy people in the world are really getting to me this week. I would watch this, but I’m afraid I might explode.

  19. Is Maria Bamford punking us?

  20. There seems to be this weird assumption among the religious folks that God personally cares about what each independent country does, instead of the whole damn world. As though God gives more of a shit about Ammurca than, say, the UK, the Netherlands, Japan, Greece, Croatia, China, for fuck’s sake. With such a huge worldwide “acceptance” of gays, is Uganda* the only thing keeping God from setting this whole world ablaze?


  21. Oh man how sick is God of the United States right now?

  22. This is fun, drunk leopard

  23. Holy crap, that ending came out of nowhere! It was like the end of Death Proof, it catches you so off guard! I can see why this is such a big hit on the festival circuit!

  24. By the way, does anyone else think this woman is a Kristen Wiig character in the making?

  25. I don’t know why everyone is so surprised. Jerry Blank has always had a very controversial perspective.

  26. Don’t worry about this whole bird thing guys, God was just playing Angry Birds.

  27. Dudes, think about this…. birds don’t know how to ask OR tell, nature, man.

  28. Apparently group death of animals happens every few days in the United States according to a news report I heard replayed in a podcast I listened to. It’s just getting reported on now.

    So no, Cindy Jacobs. You are wrong. And I didn’t need to cite that podcast that played a news report to tell you that. You were wrong in this instance as soon as you tried to link “marriage is between a man and a woman” and “gays can’t kill people.”

    • “Gays can’t kill people OFFICIALLY for their country”, is what I meant to type. Which was really an extreme way of saying gays can’t officially defend their country.

  29. When we legalize gay marriage a sinkhole will open up under her house. It will be nature’s way of saying, “Shut the fuck up!”

  30. Could God be behind the most unlikely, improbable, faintest connection between two unrelated things? Maybe.

  31. God OBVIOUSLY realised how much the homosexuals love those birds and fish.

    It’s exactly like my mom throwing my copy of Pokemon Blue out of the car window when I was fighting with my brother; the authority figures always aim for what we love when we do wrong.

    To this day, I hate my mother (and still love Pokemon).

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