Ted Williams, you guys. America’s #1 bum. He was reunited with his 90-year-old mother yesterday. (She said that she hoped he wouldn’t disappoint her this time. EEEEEK!) Last night he appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Roger Ebert just Twittered at him trying to put him on another show. Something about Jack Nicholson? But all of that is OLD SNOOZE. Been there, done that, GOT THE THREE LAYERS OF JACKETS. It’s time to find a new homeless person for America to celebrate. Now, personally, if I was in charge of leading the search, I’d try to find one with a different talent. It just seems kind of ridiculous to try and find another homeless person with a gift for voiceover work. But that opinion is not shared by the FOX 59 Ohio news team, who scoured the streets of Indianapolis to see if there was another homeless person with a golden voice. Or at least one who didn’t mind having a microphone shoved in their mouth and their face used as a “charming” community interest piecer of garbage “journalism.” That’s the thing about homeless people, though, where are they going to go? You’ll get your scoop alright.

“No surprise she hasn’t heard of overnight sensation, Ted Williams.” Right. You know. BECAUSE OF THE WHOLE BEING FUCKING HOMELESS THING. My favorite part, though, well, parts, plural, are when the reporter refuses to let the homeless lady stop singing. SCOOP’D. Is there a Pulitzer Prize for being an obnoxiously persistent jerk with a very clear and miserable agenda? DING DING DING WINNER ALARM WINNER ALARM! Boy, I am really starting to hate this whole thing a lot! (Thanks for the tip, Alex.)

Comments (40)
  1. Guys, that’s not Ohio, that’s Indiana. That’s my local Fox affilliate. I’m so glad I’m getting out of Indianapolis in a couple of days.

  2. I hear they’re looking for homeless ventriloquists, hey Jeff Dunham would you be willing to sleep outside?

  3. Tyra’s on it, you guys:

  4. I’m really worried that Ted Williams will steal all of the voice over jobs and all of our nation’s top voice over talent will become homeless. This is a thing we are all worried about, right???

    • After Don LaFontaine died voice overs haven’t been quite the same anyways

      • Right now Don Pardo is the glue that is holding the voice over community together. When he goes, it’s gonna be some Mad Max shit, but for talking eloquently. Who will run Voiceovertown? Ted Williams, probably.

  5. What a great question.”Did you hear about Ted Williams?” Because if it’s one thing homeless people have, it’s an internet connection and access to various media.


    Sorry. That’s really all I can muster right now.

  7. “None of them had a good voice? Okay, well, not rescuing anybody from being homeless today because fuck us all, we are the devil.” -This Fucking Station

  8. McNulty, what have you gotten yourself into?

  9. “They just want help.”

    As opposed to something actually USEFUL to a homeless person in an urban area, like a free lesson in Trickle-Down economics.

  10. There are plenty of homeless here in Cincy that are excellent at making newspapers disappear out of the machines. And then, VOILA!!!…. They reappear with them on the street corner.

  11. There are so many gifs I could use for my facial expression during “I was probably sleeping in my cubby hole somewhere trying to keep warm.” Opposite of salsa dog reaction, that’s all I have to say. Pure sorrow.

  12. is this a real thing? I don’t…I can’t even…

    • You know how some people make you so angry…so so so so so damn angry that you can’t even think, function or post something funny to your favourite television/internet/movie culture website.

      Fox 59 Ohio is my angry of the week…..

  13. Yeah, this is disgusting.

  14. Yo, singing homeless sisters, I’m really happy for you, Imma let you finish but Ted Williams has the best homeless voice of all time. (bringing it back!)

  15. But will they get a Macaroni and Cheese commercial??

  16. That woman clearly just didn’t want to sing the rest of the song, she wasn’t forgetting the words you NEWSCASTING BEEEEEETCH!

  17. Please, someone — ANYONE — post a reply and tell me that when they see the words “Ted Williams” they also think “baseball player” first. I’m sorry, guy, I’m normally all about the latest retread of the Internet-meme-turned-rags-to-riches story, but that name is taken. Like that baseball player Evan Longoria: every time he gets mentioned, I think “Desperate Housewives”.

  18. “They were the first people you talked to, too. That’s what’s amazing to me.”

    – Asshole newscaster continued, “It really is amazing that the first homeless people you talked to were real human beings who had things like regular human singing voices and a desire to not live on the street in the freezing cold forever. I’m actually quite surprised that they were not the kind of homeless people that prefer to eat garbage and want nothing more than to steal your money and throw it down into the sewer where the rats build kingdoms of human money. It’s quite a story. Warms the heart.”

  19. I nominate this reporter and this homeless lady for a real-life “Trading Places” switcharoo, STAT.

  20. I’m starting to hate how everyone keeps saying “golden voice”. That sounds very painful.

  21. Oh lord, OF COURSE she sings ‘Amazing Grace.’ That really punctuates how truly awful this “news report” is.

  22. I was the first and will continue to be the best homeless presence on the internet. I’ve been at this gig since 2002.

  23. My hope in humanity makes me believe that this thing that i’ve just seen happened just out of bare stupidity without any cynicism or self-consciousness.
    Or else, please, please burn in hell next year humanity.

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