“I wouldn’t say that I have a type, exactly. I’ve dated all kinds of women, at least as far as looks are concerned. For me, what’s most important is what’s inside. I know that sounds kind of cliche, but it’s true! I’m just looking for someone who I can hang out with: a best friend as much as a girlfriend, although the sex should still be pretty smokin LOLOL. All of that being said, there is one thing about any woman who might be interested in dating me that is non-negotiable: she absolutely MUST consider herself to be a real-life vampire. It’s OK for her to be really dry and boring about it. In fact, the less of a sense of humor she seems to have about her self-described vampirisim the better, probably. But she definitely has to start sentences with things like, “when I went in to get my custom fangs done” and “I am a vampire.” But, yeah, no, no type. I just love women!”

- You

“I’m a vampire AMONG OTHER THINGS” is the quote to beat in 2011. Also, in case for some reason you were not sure whether or not you were ready to put a ring on it, I refer you to the video entitled “Sarah Lester Gets Gangsta, Pt. 1″. (Thanks for the tip, Scott.)

Comments (75)
  1. Stop trying to shine her in any kind of negative or positive light. Just go right for the sun light. It’s the only surefire way to kill her. That and a stake through the heart.

  2. “I first realized I was a vampire when I walked out into the sunlight and I burst into flames and died”

    • “I realized I was a vampire because the only thing that can sustain me is BLOOD.”

      • I realized I was a vampire because I was a total whore growing up and used the vampire thing in a desperate attempt to rewrite my identity. I am an idiot.

      • Things that make you a vampire
        1. non-gym slightly extra strength
        2. being slightly more fast than most people
        3. going to parenthetical dentists
        4. being an emotional chameleon
        5. break outs
        6. Enjoying the act of killing without ever doing it or knowing what it feels like

        Sorry R2 it looks like “Harvesting the blood of the living in order to sustain my undead existence” didn’t make the list.

      • “I realized i was a vampire when I found Twilight to be culturally insensitive”

  3. Living in the middle of the Garlic district makes it nearly impossible to take her to dinner.

  4. I want to hear about the other things! What other things? Amateur cage fighter? Marine life enthusiast? I need to know these things before we take our relationship to the next level.

  5. Was I different from other children around? Duh! If they didn’t invite me inside I would bleed out of every hole in my body…like ebola……

  6. “I’m a vampire AMONG OTHER THINGS” cannot be the quote to beat, since you linked to a video where my girlfriend exclaimed “I roll with pickles!”

  7. Here is the two of us at Disneyland

  8. “I wasn’t just strange, or some alien sent from another planet to die here, I was a vampire.”

    Yep, you and all the goth kids from my high school.

  9. The bumper sticker on her Beetle reads, “Why be normal? I’m so crazy!” Naturally, she put it on upside down and keeps a dead rose in the built-in bud vase.

  10. Let me explain real quick exactly why this is NOT my girlfriend:

    Her: “Hi, I’m Sarah Lester, and I’m a vampire.”
    Me: “Nope. Goodbye.”

  11. Of course she’s a vampire, obvs, she has big teeth, sun allergies, and is stronger than usual, but there are sometimes–just SOMETIMES, MIND YOU–that she comes across as delusional and self-obsessed.

  12. This is a picture I took of her on our vacation to Wee Britain

  13. True Fact: being double jointed is the #1 sign of being a vampire. (so says my girlfriend)

  14. Um, you guys, I think I might be a spaceship shooting a giant octopus that’s attacking a submarine. I used to draw that so….

    • I don’t think I want to be any of the things I used to draw. I might get arrested.

      • Nah, nah, it’s cool. There are plenty of other giant droopy hairy cocks with top hats on, wandering the streets. Mostly in disguise, but you can still tell. It’s the yellow eyes and how they walk slightly faster than everyone else. You’ll fit right in.

  15. I appreciate her use of “finger fangs” or as the rest of the world would call them, “scare quotes.”

  16. Just so I’m clear:

    VAMPIRE ATTRIBUTES
    -strength
    -speed
    -empathic abilities
    -hypothetical love of killing
    -weird teeth

    SARAH LESTER ATTRIBUTES [NON-VAMPIRE]
    -mind reading
    -visions of the future
    -weird thumb

    Poor Sarah Lester. Too weird-toothed and homicidal for the schoolyard, too weird-thumbed and telepathic for the graveyard.

    [We're so lucky we found each other.]

  17. lol she calls herself “Glitterbitch from the 7-0-2″ in that gangsta video.

  18. So I take it she’s a Whedonverse Rules Vampire, because she’s always eating food and pickles… and the pickles? Ooh, that reminds me- we were supposed to get pickles.

  19. I go to the “dentist” as well. Where he “drills” holes in my teeth and I “pay” him “money”.

    If Sarah Lester IS my girlfriend, and I have no evidence to the contrary, perhaps we should see a “psychologist” for some “relationship counselling”. Because… well, I think it’s clear.

  20. “I’m stronger than most people my size and most people in general.” -Sarah Lester

    And she says she never has to prove it. Because fuck us. We’re all stupid unbelieving meat bags. That’s why I love her, Sarah Lester, my girlfriend. ( p l e a s e s e n d h e l p )

  21. I started to feel a little bad for her toward the end of the video because she is clearly insane, but then I watched the “Gangsta” video. If she were in the room with me right now, she would start hating everything around her.

  22. Also, my girlfriend has great taste in music, as her homepage clearly demonstrates: http://sarahlester.webs.com/

  23. I have no idea as to whether or not this lady is a vampire, but I do know her brother Moe is a Total Douche Nozzle

  24. I like how she draws in a deep breath and thoughtfully considers each question as if she had no idea what the questions she’s asking herself would be.

  25. She is my favorite girlfriend so far. Who doesn’t hate the stench of people in Wal-Mart and wish murder wasn’t illegal? We’re soulmates!

  26. Yellow eyes + Long teeth = Vampire. Definitely not jaundice and poor dental care.

  27. “I’ve never done fangs for a real vampire before!” – That’s Your “Dentist”

  28. God, the world is a fucking lonely place.

  29. “Once you discover it (being a vampire) you kinda just want to put yourself back to sleep.” Once you discover it (Sarah Lester) you kinda just want someone to put you to sleep, like a dog at the vet.

  30. Mostly our girlfriend likes to cuddle in bed:

  31. “I’m weird all the way around, in certain aspects” – My Girlfriend
    “I love you completely, in certain aspects ” – Me

  32. It’s just really comforting to know that vampires still celebrate Christmas. Keep the fight where it belongs, against werewolves, not our beloved holiday.

  33. Leo Cavalero: That’s your dentist.

  34. “anyone who thinks they are actually a vampire is freaking retarded.”

  35. Wow, she snuck an ABC in there… not sure what to think.

  36. uuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh shut up. She may not be a vampire but she is definitely draining away my lifeblood.

  37. Sarah Lester: The Edited Interview.

    “Hi, My name is Sarah Lester, and this is my…edited interview…to shine me in (an) uber-positive light.

    When did you first know you were a vampire?

    …It’s been a long process of discovery and re-discovery, because sometimes, when you know too much, you kinda wanna shut everything else out and put yourself back to sleep, and it’s only been recently in my life that I’ve actually fully embraced being (myself)… (So in that sense, the sense that I was sleeping through my days and losing touch with those around me, I guess you could call me a) “vampire.”

    When you were a child, were you different from the other children around you?

    Was I different from the other children around me as a child? Definitely, definitely…I was different from the other children…because I…(was) drawing a lot, and writing a lot, and reading…

    When did you start to embrace your (self)?

    I started embracing my (self) later on in my twenties. I’ve always drawn (pictures), drawn myself…even as a child…without even really knowing what I was drawing, I just drew myself. And, um, I thought I was alone, really, until…other people started coming out…and they had…the same mindframe I did, and that’s when I found out that that’s what I was (i.e., an artist), instead of an alien just dropped off from another planet, just left here alone…

    What abilities do you have, related to (your experience)?

    What abilities do I have that attributed to (this experience)? Well, first and most obviously…I’m stronger than most people, in general…but I don’t live my life to… prove myself compared to other people…(because) it drains me incredibly. I’m very empathic…if a person walks in a room and they’re super high energy and I’m having a kind of down day, I’ll pick up on their energy and within minutes I’m super hyper active as well. And if a person comes in and they have a negative demeanour or a negative spirit about them, I’ll pick up on them and that negativity and I’ll begin to be negative…so that’s something I have to watch out for…

    What other abilities do you have?

    What other abilities do I have?… My abilities are more or less because I’m Sarah Lester….I know what you’re thinking…it’s like, ‘talk about yourself and all of your awesome abilities’…(laughs self-deprecatingly) Oh, I can do this (shows thumb). You know most people, their thumbs are like this — my thumb is like that. And I always thought that that was normal until I was like thirty, and I was looking pictures of people hitchhiking, and I was like, why are they hitch-hiking all (weird)? And then I was like, oh, wait, I’m the weird one…I’m just weird all the way around in certain aspects, but that’s what makes me cool. And I like that. I’m an individual.

  38. Uh oh, my husband’s and my son’s thumbs can do that too. I’m starting to get worried.

  39. This woman bites.

  40. Oh, she sucks too. She totally sucks.

  41. On first listen, at 3:55 I was pretty sure she said
    “I don’t go poo, or smoke, or anything.”
    You know, just like a vampire doesn’t go poo, or smoke or anything.

  42. wow, I guess her life really IS Twilight.

  43. This is the girl who was on the Tyra show a while ago:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teZLIbCxNbU&feature=related

  44. I’m going to love all the past damage out of my girlfriend and she’ll give up this whole silly vampire nonsense, you just wait and see!

  45. I like that the other obvious explanation she considered and then rejected is that she was left here by aliens to die.

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