Karen insists that she’s not usually like this, and I’m sure that’s true. Seems pretty unusual. Headphones UP.

I’m assuming the camera cut off right before she was able to rest her case, so let me restate the facts for the jury:

1. Smirnoff Ice
2. 2 AM on the dot
3. Don’t believe what EVERYONE says about Florida on postcards
4. Cops + donuts

Congratulations, Karen! You’ve been discovered! (Thanks for the tip, JCA.)

Comments (94)
  1. If the qualifications for a state to “suck” are simply arcane liquor laws, then most of New England is the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

    • Totally agree. Word of caution: don’t go to college in Connecticut.

      • Oh man. As someone who was born and raised in CT, let me just say Florida ain’t got nuthin’ on Connecticut. At least in Florida it doesn’t turn into a frozen barren wasteland for 3-5 months out of the year. Also, been to any CT pro sports team’s games lately? No? Yeah, that’s cause we don’t have any! (Thanx Whalers!)

        I talk as if I still live there, when in fact I left years ago. I suppose it’s not the worst place to grow up and it does have its own little quaintness about it. I guess what I’m trying to say is; BEING WHITE IS HARD, YOU GUYS!! NO MATTER WHAT STATE YOU LIVE IN!!!

      • fingers crossed 2011 is the year CT repeals its blue laws, but growing up here has forced me to plan my drinking far in advance.

    • The point still stands.

    • I would also like to add that New York State belongs in this category, even though it is not technically New England. Things that are laws here:

      1) No liquor served before 12 on a sunday. Huzzah! That makes brunch awesome!

      2) Wine and Liquor can only be sold in dedicated liquor stores. They cannot also sell beer. If you sell beer, you must also sell food. If you sell wine and liquor, you cannot sell food.

      3) Chains that sell wine and liquor can only have one store that sells wine and liquor in a 20 mile radius. That means there is only on Trader Joe’s wine store in all of New York City!

      So, in conclusion, hooray for Puritans!

      • Can I add that NYC sucks too? I don’t plan on getting drunk and making a youtube video about it, but it really does. I have been dealing with brokers and landlords all day trying to find a place to live on Manhattan (Queens, currently, and desperate to get away. Sorry, you’re not my girlfriend any more Queens, it’s you. And your elevated lines. And your total lack of outdoor space). Maybe it’s just brokers making me all riled up and desperate. One gave away a flat after he refused to pick up the phone for eight hours.

        Okay – I’ll amend that. Brokers suck. And the cost of alcohol. I can make the trek to TJ’s for $3 wine, no problem. Maybe I should right now…

        • I should say ‘green space’ for outdoor space, lest anyone be under the impression that Queens is located inside a shoebox or aquarium, what have you.

      • 1) Flask. Also, why are you eating brunch so early.
        2) LB, there are literally liquor stores, bodegas and bars every 10 feet, esp in Brooklyn
        3) TJ’s sells those 6 pk bags, so stock up next time your in Union Square.

        Mike Bloomber– uh, I mean FLW.

        • *you’re* My secretary is fired.

        • 1) My parents were in town, and they eat early. Also, it’s difficult to put a bloody mary with a celery stick in a flask.

          2) Just because they’re plenty of options doesn’t make the laws not ridiculous.

          3) Oh, I do. I do. But also see above comment.

          Side note, I know many people who worked in the Union Square TJ’s, and they’re not even allowed to send people to the wine store if they ask. They have to say “There are plenty of wine stores in the area.” Because it is even against the law to SEND PEOPLE TO A LIQUOR STORE OWNED BY THE SAME COMPANY THAT IS LITERALLY NEXT DOOR.

    • You guys should move to New Orleans. It is pretty awesome here.

  2. Trying to purchase wine coolers at 10 AM? That’s so our girlfriend

  3. Umm, I’m from North Dakota, I would like to debate her claim.

  4. Nothing says class like a horizontal bookcase.

  5. Hmm, she seems pretty steamed up. Lemme check something:

    Nope, still reading low. Going to go watch heavy Metal Penguin some more.

  6. She’s going to be really pissed when she ends up moving to Bakersfield.

  7. On the other hand, Possum Kingdom.

  8. Ever since Cathy retired from comics she’s been a little testy, no?

  9. The only preconception I had about Florida was that everyone was fit and tan, and while it may not have been her goal, she did successfully dissuade me of THAT belief.

  10. “Something great is waiting for me in California.”

    -Pioneers of the West, this woman

  11. It really is unfortunate that she was refused her Smirnoff Ice. She seems like the type of girl whose personality would only get sweeter with alcohol.

  12. She needs to learn to control her Tampa.

  13. Boy is she gonna be bummed when she moves to California and tries to buy a Smirnoff Ice at 2AM on the dot.

    • Yeah, someone should probably clue her in.

      But the getting discovered right away as an actress part will probably totally work out. Usually does.

  14. “Excuse me, have you ever done movies? You would be PERFECT for the role of Podunk Bumfuck Bible Belter in our next picture” -the state of California

  15. She hit the Smirnoff Ice right on the head with her assessment.

  16. I went to Orlando, Florida once when I was 9, Orlando specifically. For the entire trip, every meal we’d had hovered around the bad to awful range. So on the last day of our vacation my mother put her foot down. She said, “Family, we are playing it safe. Let’s go to Subway”. Subway is by no means a delicious food franchise, but it is generally consistent. We walked into the Subway across the street from our motel, read the wall menu, saw that the Italian sandwich came standard with bologna, American cheese, and mayo, and in a single file line walked back out that door.

    Based on my very limited experience from many years ago, I find myself agreeing with this woman. Florida kind of sucks!

    • whoa crazy Subway coincidence! VVV

    • Totally true! I had a parallel experience with Waffle House in Tampa. All the other food was so terrible, and we thought, well, at least there’s always Waffle House! We didn’t know we had accidentally stumbled into the Waffle Halfway House [for Floridians Destroyed by Meth]. After giving a precise and cleanly delivered breakfast order for two, the waiter blinks and says, simply, “Uh, egg?” It went downhill from there. Florida sucks!

      Also that morning I went for a run and was oinked at.

      Also later that day I sat on the beach next to a German woman loudly complaining in German about her itchy vagina on a cell phone.

  17. I really don’t get what is up with the way Subway puts the meat on its sandwiches. They sorta do this weird meat tuck into the back end of the bread so when the sandwich is closed the meat is often doubled up in areas where it has folded over itself. So when you eat the sandwich you got this weird meat/veggie sitcom situation where they have drawn a line of mayo across the bread and nobody is allowed to cross the line.

  18. Satan: “Look, don’t blame me, okay? I’ve been pushing to repeal those 2am liquor shutdown rules ever since I took office as King of Florida. You don’t think i WANT a bunch of 5am drunks out cruising the streets? It’s the goddamn PodunkBumfuckEgypttTown City Council that keeps blocking my legislative reform measures.”

  19. Her argument strikes the wrong Key West.


  21. My best friend, from Miami:

    she’s right
    about everything
    she’s drunk
    but she’s right

    Sort of a FL Haiku when presented this way.

  22. What would be really heartwarming is if someone finds this woman and gives her a gig as a voiceover artist or announcer. Her voice really is a gift from God.

  23. I now feel I know a lot about this woman who lives in Florida and is not satisfied with things there. Time well spent, me.

  24. The funny thing is, I agree with her. Florida sucks. But that common ground will not be enough to stop me from ripping this chick apart when my friends find out about this video in two weeks.

  25. Man, Roseanne Barr has really let herself go…

  26. I’m moving to Podunk Bumfuck Egypt Town!

  27. Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) ’11.

  28. Burn Notice is set and filmed in Florida. I believe that this fact negates most of her argument. Except the whole California thing. Place is a Discovery Zone.

  29. I like her horizontal library.

  30. She hates Florida, but she decorates with shells and dolphins?

  31. She is not ready for her closeup, Mr. DeMille.

    If she ever gets discovered in California, the following exchange wil happen regularly.

    Director: “I’d like to make her look a little more attractive. How far can you pull back?”

    Cameraman: “How do you feel about Cleveland?”

  32. I’m rarely ever cold and I’ve lived 2 minutes from a beach my entire life; everything is amazing and nobody’s happy.

    It’s not always great, but Florida doesn’t suck, this lady is a drunken redneck bitch.

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