Um. This news is everywhere this morning? And so now this news is here. Apparently it’s important. God forbid you guys somehow don’t hear about it. I think it’s generation-defining. It goes JFK, Neil Armstrong, Vietnam, grunge, 9/11, this. From the New York Times (THE NEW YORK TIMES!):

THERE are Coke people, and there are Pepsi people. But for Simon Cowell, who is moving from “American Idol” to “The X Factor,“ that allegiance — which quite often lasts a lifetime — is about to take a turn.

Fox will announce Tuesday that Pepsi is the sole season-long sponsor for “The X Factor,” a singing competition that Mr. Cowell is bringing to the United States in the fall. Pepsi will have commercial time and integrations within “X Factor,” and the two brands will support each other on the Web and in stores.

HOLY SHIT CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT MULTI-MILLIONAIRE SIMON COWELL USED TO BE ON A TV SHOW THAT WAS SPONSORED BY COKE BUT NOW HE IS GOING TO BE ON A TV SHOW THAT IS SPONSORED BY PEPSI? HIS HEAD IS PROBABLY FALLING THE FUCK OFF. I BET HIS THERAPIST IS LIKE “COME IN TWICE A WEEK NOW PLEASE, WE HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO.” Obviously, our thoughts and prayers are with Simon Cowell and his family in this difficult time. And of course, America waits with barely contained diarrhetic anticipation to see how these two brands support each other on the Web and in stores. It’s all very exhausting I MEAN EXCITING. (Kill me, please, but don’t forget to save a bullet for yourself. This guy knows what I’m talking about.)

Comments (87)
  1. In other Simon Cowell news, he’s decided to count his millions in a recliner, forsaking the chaise lounge he used throughout his run on Idol.

  2. WhaaaAAAAAA? Goodness, someone please fetch my smelling salts – I feel a swoon coming on!

  3. Live To Dance, on the other hand, will be brought to us by Diet Rite.

  4. Forget it, Coke! It’s Pepsi town!

  5. Everyone knows Pepsi is the fanciest of sodas.

  6. “We need a sponsor. How about Coke?”
    “Not available. Pepsi, ok?”
    “Um, yeah. That’s fine.”

  7. I hate soda. I mean, I like soda, but the fact that there’s a “Soda Wars” kind of puts me off the whole thing.

  8. This just in: Coca-Cola is updating their marketing strategy to appeal to hip, extreme kids who hate Simon Cowell. Here’s one of their new ads:

    • I always go to upvote you, but your avatar makes me shit my pants EVERY TIME so that by the time I get back from the bathroom I’ve forgotten what I was doing.

      Anyway, cool comment.

      • My roommate actually made this picture for me a while back, and I’ve been waiting for the right time to unleash it onto the world. Sorry to hear about your pants.

  9. Does this mean he has to stop snorting coke, too?

  10. True story: the other day my friend went to the boardwalk where they shot the beginning and ending of Big. (remember Big?). When he went to the part of the boardwalk where the fortune teller machine was supposed to be, however, it had been replaced by, you guessed it, A PEPSI MACHINE. Jenga!!

  11. Being from Atlanta, I have this to say: Coke is the One True Soda.

  12. These guys know what I’m talking about.

    Also, I’m through with FB connect. Back to my real Videogum name.

    • Israeli sodas are really cool. They come in glass bottles and though they are all in Hebrew, they’re stylized to look like the logos. NEAT!

      Don’t know who this guy is but he’s probably a joo SHALOM AKHI

  13. Pepsi must have missed the memo about the world ending on 5/21/2011. Simon will be using his endorsement money to buy a spot aboard one of the A.R.K. ships.

  14. From the New York Times (a subsidiary of the Yoyodyne Group):

    “There are Coke people, and there are Pepsi people. But for the United States, who is moving thousands of American soldiers from Iraq to Afghanistan, that allegiance — which quite often lasts a lifetime — is about to take a turn.

    Fox, the parent corporation of the United States, will announce Tuesday that Pepsi is the sole war-long sponsor for “The War in Afghanistan” a fighting competition that the United States is bringing to the World in the fall. Pepsi will have commercial time and integrations within the war and the two brands will support each other on the Web and in stores.

    A spokesperson for Pepsi said, ‘While there was resistance initially to the idea of corporate sponsorship for war, some feeling that a war driven by profit and financial return rather than the pursuit of some common good and the defeat of evil, is a bad idea, in reality, this is how it has always been. We see this partnership as a proud extension of the basis for all human conflict.’”

  15. I liked it best when Pepsi stuck to sponsoring learning.

  16. Is cheryl cole going to be there? I’ve never seen xfactor or idol, but if she’s there I might have to tune in. Unless the sponsor changes to mr. Pibb, then barf. Barf aloud.

  17. Pepsi sponsoring X Factor? Boring. Wake me when they sponsor The Apprentice. That show would become interesting with the added panache Pepsi brings to “You’re fired”.

  18. When 7-up has got me down
    When hi-c gets me low
    When my lubbotts blue ain’t blue it’s brown
    When my nestles quick just makes me slow
    When my sparkling ciders lost it’s shine
    My can of sharps is dull
    Hawaiin punch has knocked me cold
    an impulse hits my skull
    And my mind just turns to pepsi
    and I couldn’t tell you why
    smart drinks lead me to forget
    And coke won’t get me high
    when constant comment won’t shut up
    I’ll Sit right down and fill my cup
    with pepsiiiiiiiii
    drink it up

    • Did I ever tell you about the time a bee flew into my one last bottle of Nesbitt’s lime soda and I had to throw it away?

      Most of the time, I’m a peaceful man, but I lost my temper that day.

    • it is a year and a half later since this was posted and yes I literally just registered an account so I could comment on this post which i found accidentally by the way….but i will not let a damn good negativland reference go without showing my appreciation….i doubt it but i also hope at least one of your thumbs up on all of these comments was from someone who knew what this was

  19. Im switching from RC Cola to Diet Rite…

    • When diet rite to me is wrong
      my country tome’s expires
      my minute maid’s an hour long
      my Maxwell house won’t get me wired
      my pet milk turns on me
      and my five alive is dead
      my royal crowns been overthrown
      an impulse hits my head
      and my mind just turns to pepsi and I think of it a lot
      my Swiss miss just wasn’t pure
      and koolaid isn’t hot
      when a wall of smithies rough me up
      I’ll turn to a bigger cup
      of pepsiiiiiiiiiiii
      drink it up

  20. I support this, if only so he will record a commercial where he either sets his hair on fire or humps an African American in front of a burning cross.


  21. When Samuel Adams makes me ail
    dr. Pepper’s not around
    when sweet success let’s me fail
    I crave a flavor most profound
    and my mind just turns to pepsi and I look, I see, I buy
    My crystal light has just burned out
    and canada’s gone dry
    my yoohoo will not call to me
    I am a loyal endorsee
    of pepsiiiiiiii
    drink it up

  22. Dr. Pepper for life. They get me mostly with their timely, exactly 10 years behind the zeitgeist, branding.

    But none of the water-downed corn syrup kids stuff for me, I like to taste the big daddy sugar cane in my mouth.

  23. damn after reading this comment thread now I’m really thirsty SOME ONE GO BUY ME A SOFT BEVERAGE DRINK PLEASE

  24. What’s that, Bing? “Pepsi OR American Idol”? Let us pray that even in the twenty-first century, Pepsi remains America’s Choice.

  25. 4 out of 5 conscientious objectors choose coffee.

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