This season of The Bachelor, which premiered last night on ABC, stars Brad Womack as The Bachelor again. I guess he was already The Bachelor once? Well he’s back. Congrats, ladies. If someone goes on a reality show to find true love and it doesn’t work so they go back on the same reality show a second time, that is when you know they are a keeper! But don’t expect this season of The Bachelor to be your run-of-the-mill season of The Bachelor. It’s going to be different! The HollywoodReporter explains how:

Womack will have 30 women competing for him, as compared to Jake Pavelka’s 20 women and Ali Fedotwosky’s 25. The reason for the extra women? To fill more time.

“We’ve added episodes and gone to two hours of late. It helps us fill some voids and make it more compelling,” host Chris Harrison tells TV Guide.

One woman vying for a rose has fangs — and freaks out Womack, according to Harrison. “Everyone … is going to be like, ‘She has fangs! Of course you’re going to let her go!’” he says. But Womack isn’t quick to send her home.

HAHAHAHHA. Cooooool. Obviously, the woman with fangs is a real TWIST. Everyone is going to be like “She has fangs!” Because she has fangs. But it’s also very cool how much work ABC has put into…filling time. That is the mark of a truly great TV show: that it makes banal adjustments to its format in order to pad things out and stretch them as thin as possible. Think M.A.S.H. Think The Sopranos. Classic time wasters. “This season, Tony is going to have 30 calzones at the Pork Store instead of 25 calzones at the Pork Store!” Two-hour Adriana death scene. Etc.

Here are 15 more ways in which this season of The Bachelor will be different:

    15. All of this season’s group dates will take place in sweatshops and field hospitals.
    14. All of this season’s one-on-one dates will take place in a high school cafeteria.
    13. Instead of handing the women roses, Brad will hand them deli line tickets.
    12. If the women refuse the tickets, they are forced into internment camps.
    11. Some of this season’s group dates will also take place in the internment camps.
    10. In the finale, one woman that Brad regrets eliminating will be brought back from the internment camps, blindfolded, spun in circles, and allowed to shoot a gun with one bullet in it in whatever direction she chooses.
    9. One of the women will actually be a replicant with a poisonous synthetic vagina. If Brad fucks her, he will die.
    8. If the women do not argue in the kitchen at night after the dates, they will be tased by off-duty law enforcement officers.
    7. Each week, the show’s host, Chris Harrison, will share an embarrassing detail from his personal life in a tear-sodden private confessional.
    6. There will be elements of Fear Factor incorporated into this season.
    5. On one of the dates, Brad Womack will discover that one of the women has a penis. Everyone is going to be like, “She has a penis! Of course you’re going to let her go!” But Womack isn’t quick to send her home.
    4. One night, a dead body is discovered in the billiard room and no one can leave until they have determined who is the culprit.
    3. In a surprising twist, the final three women will have the choice between spending one romantic night in the honeymoon suite with Brad, OR attending a guest lecture by Noam Chomsky at Rutgers University.
    2. This season of The Bachelor will be sponsored by Pepsi instead of Coke!
    1. On the thrilling season finale, it is revealed that Brad Womack has been dead the whole time.

Of course, one of the ways in which this season of The Bachelor will not be any different from past seasons of The Bachelor is that I will not be watching it. You can’t change EVERYTHING, you’ll confuse the audience!

Comments (73)
  1. Adding ten more women certainly does give the Bachelor more voids to fill.

  2. No comment other than to say this is a really fucking funny post.

  3. Does anyone actually know someone who watches The Bachelor? I am not being facetious, just curious how this show has been on for a decade and outside of The Soup I never hear about it

    • Whoa. I didn’t realize that was you without the Zoidberg.

    • The Bachelor’s entire viewership is made up of people that have slept with one or more of the contestants on a given season, and are just watching to see them make fools of themselves.

      Needless to say, it’s one of the most viewed shows on television.

    • College sororities are the only people who watch this.

    • My roommate is a huge fan. But she’s also a huge fan of Nicholas Sparks. (Besides these two MAJORLY UNFORGIVABLE FLAWS, she’s actually a pretty cool person.)

    • Yes, my sorority sisters. One of them even tried out.

      I’m watching this season because as a graduate student I apparently need even more of an escape from real, adult life.

    • I have to admit that I have been known to watch this show…It’s seriously hilarious. I generally stop watching about halfway through but the first handful of episodes are ridiculous. I also love the idea that people think they are in love after knowing someone for what can’t be cumulatively more than a week while that other person is dating like 15 other people. It’s no rock of love but it’s still funny…

      • MONSTERS watch this show! though not many. Every monday night is The Bachelor Chat (mostly in my head) on tinychat. This is a tradition has been going on forever! and when i say forever I mean since last spring’s season when we hung out at videogum.com/chat. And when I say “we” hung out, I really mean I managed to bully a few people into watching it.

        so yeah, its trashy, but its entertaining.
        .

        • Katy you know I always have your back on Bachelor watching mondays even when my dad gives me weird looks. It’s one of the things that kept me coming back to chat.

        • Are you being serious?!? Because I love watching this show. What is not to love about watching all of the worst people on the planet try to stab each other in the back to try to win the affections of some douchebag?!? I’d like to join your chat please!

    • My coworker’s chagrined response after I read this post out loud? “The sad thing is, I watched this and really enjoyed it.” So…and it pains me to say it, some library employees?

    • I watch the Bachelor. As an unmarried 35 year old woman with two cats, it validates my life choices.

  4. everyone not given a rose will be forced to go on a date with guy fieri at tgi fridays

  5. Calzones from a pork store? I guess it’s safe to say Gabe’s not part Italian.

    (yeah, that’s the part of this post that caught my attention. sue me.)

  6. #9 makes me think of a DC Comics character I read about yesterday named Cinder. Apparently she’s like the female Human Torch, and at one point has sex with a guy and kills him by only flaming up her vagina (I don’t know if there’s a better way to phrase that).

    http://www.comicsalliance.com/2010/12/30/worst-comic-books-2010/

    #5 made me think of The Crying Game and how great it would be if all of the women on The Bachelor were random pop culture characters

    • Like the contestant who is a pregnant high school student who speaks with a snappy pop culture-laden wit

      or the one who has to choose by the end of the season which of her children will live and which one will die

      This has solid BNPG potential

      • or the one contestant who is a bounty hunter who is cloned for a grand army for the republic

      • One contestant is a terminator from the future, sent back in time to protect her fellow contestant and make sure she wins so that her and the bachelor can create the future leader of the human resistance

      • Or the contestant who was once a Detroit police officer who brutally murdered by a gang of thugs, only to have her brain put into a cyborg robot that is programmed to serve the public trust, protect the innocent and uphold the law.

      • or the one contestant that made a wish to a magic fortune telling vending machine and became a big girl and now wants to live life like a adult and she thinks being an adult mean being on the Bachelor.

      • Or the contestant who recently divorced an NYPD cop and is now held hostage inside an office building by German safecrackers posing as terrorists.

  7. Ways in which it will be the same: lots of white women being judged at home by lots of white women.

  8. I watched the clip of Brad noticing the fangs, and it looked a lot like Dean Pelton saying “This better not awaken anything in me.” Fang girl has this one in the bag.

    • Move over, “True Blood”, this time, (david caruso puts on his sunglasses) reality … bites …

      SSSSSSKKKKKKKKKKRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW

  9. At every single rose ceremony, Andre 3000 will be on hand to perform the full uncut version of his 2004 smash hit “Roses”

  10. Come to think of it, I might be more inclined to watch a “reality” show written by M. Night Shyamalan.

  11. #10 would be a fantastic premise for the finale of any show. Maybe Oprah will blindfold herself, spin around, and randomly shoot someone for her final show.

  12. 16. Brad Womack will only be permitted to speak to contestants via a beaver puppet on his right arm.

  13. To get rid of fang girl he’ll take her here.

    • I used to work a block away from here and every lunch break I would smell its aroma. So, to be fair, if there was a possibility of eating here on the studio’s dime I would totally audition for The Bachelor.

  14. I wish that the list of changes to the season of Sopranos didn’t end in ETC. I could have read that shit all day!

  15. Since this is his second time on the show and I guess he didn’t choose anyone last time (I don’t watch, but way too many of my coworkers do), does that mean he gets to choose two this time?

  16. Once again, The Bachelor, and every other reality dating show, wishes that it was this:

  17. I actually did meet my girlfriend at a Noam Chomsky lecture at Rutgers University. (Just kidding, but we did attend one together..)

  18. “The reason for the extra women? To fill more time.”

    That’s my creepy uncle’s excuse too.

  19. The most important way The Bachelor will be different:

  20. The vampire fang girl represents oppressed minorities, just as the vamps on True Blood are supposed to be teh gays. This is all very thought out and, you know, cooler than just having token black girls on the show.

  21. CHOOSE HAPPINESS. CHOOSE CHOMSKY.

  22. I was hoping all the ladies would be built into a human caterpillar, but I guess Santa did not get my letter.

  23. Right now, there’s a TV executive reading this post and saying to himself, “Y’know? There are some really good ideas here.”

  24. I started watching the Bachelor during grad school, when I would spend the entire day talking about AIDS and women dying in childbirth.
    And many of my grad school classmates would spend their free time talking about Noam Chomsky and the issues he cares about and I was just like, “Where’s the break, guys? When do you turn your minds off?”
    Of course, that’s where the heavy drinking kicks in.
    So I guess I’m saying that I watch the Bachelor to keep from turning into an alcoholic.
    THE MORE YOU KNOW.

  25. If all this really happens, then all guys are sure to win the hands of the ladies…
    south beach java

  26. One of the roses is magic and will grant the recipient self-esteem.

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