Who suggested Driven? Who was it? SHOW YOURSELF! You should all be ashamed. Sure, we’re all having a good time talking about these terrible movies and oh ha ha, isn’t it funny how Gabe is such a jerk and he was to watch them and he’s so stupid and I hate him and wish he would fall down some stairs. But there’s a point where it’s not funny anymore, and that point is when we’re talking about Driven. To paraphrase Sarah Palin, there is a special place in hell for whoever made me watch this movie.
Driven is about a young race car driver, Jimmy Bly, who is supposed to be the best race car driver, but lately he’s been losing his edge, so Burt Reynolds calls up Sylvester Stallone and is like “I need you to be a race car driver some more,” and Sylvester Stallone is like “I am working on a race car in my barn, that’s how you know that I am a serious driver.” In their first race together on Team Burt Reynolds, Burt Reynolds uses Sylvester Stallone to get in the way of another driver, Beau Brandenburg, so that Jimmy Bly can win. Everyone is happy. Jimmy steals Beau’s girlfriend. But then Beau steals his girlfriend back and turns her into his wife. And then Jimmy Bly is bad at racing again and his brother who is also his manager is like “I’m selling you down the river,” and Burt Reynolds is like “We’re all selling you down the river, Jimmy Bly,” and it looks like things are over for Jimmy Bly. Meanwhile, Sylvester Stallone’s ex wife Gina Gershon is an asshole. In the final race Jimmy Bly gets one last chance to prove what he’s made of or else it’s down the river he goes, and at one point it looks like he’s going to lose, but then later he wins. Someone opens champagne.
There are two things keeping this wretched piece of gasoline-scented nonsense from conclusively winning the title of Worst Movie of All Time:
1. It lacks the failed ambition that I think is the true Hallmark of the most terrible movie. A bad action movie is a bad action movie is a bad action movie. If you’re dealing in superficials, then your mistakes are superficial. Granted, Driven is filled with some UNBEARABLE MISTAKES. But more importantly…
2. It’s not really a movie.
Driven is not a movie. It’s almost two hours long, it has movie stars in it, and you watch it on DVD, but it’s not a movie. I don’t know what it is, I only know what it is not. Take, for example, this clip. Yes, it is long, but eight minutes is a small trade off for the other 108 you’re saiving.
Now, did you notice how that was FUCKING AWFUL? But if you’ll look a little closer, you’ll notice a couple of other things. For one, the music NEVER STOPS. The whole movie, there is always music playing, and it’s always a little too loud. You have to strain to hear every word of dialogue. Well, you don’t have to, I guess. You could sit back and just enjoy the great jams. (You could not sit back and just enjoy the great jams.) It is also of note that all of the race car drivers except for Jimmy Bly and Sylvester Stallone are gay German porn actors. Admittedly, I’m not a racing fan, so maybe that’s accurate. Perhaps everyone in NASCAR is a gay German porn actor. There’s simply no way for us to know whether or not that’s true.
Perhaps my favorite part of the whole whatever-Driven-is-because-it’s-not-a-movie was the dramatic final race. Jimmy Bly has one final chance to show that he has what it takes to be the best in the world. For a little while, he’s doing well, but he starts to have a flame out near the end of the race, which is when his one true friend, Sylvester Stallone, comes to save him. He drives with what were are told is the greatest skills, and eventually damages his car but not before buying Jimmy Bly enough time to pull into the lead. Kind of. Actually, him and the gay German porn racer are neck and neck, and Jimmy wins by a photo finish.
That’s how we know he’s a true champion. Because only a true champion has to have his friend come in and bail him out and even still only barely wins. Behind every legendary hero there is a story of constant, anti-climactic near failure. Although I was probably unimpressed with his tremendous victory only because I’d already seen him succeed when it came time for the dramatic 10 hops.
Dramatic hops! Can he get to 10? Sylvester Stallone is like “See? See those hops? Now what.”
This movie was unacceptable. It is definitely the winner of the Hunt for the Worst Sports-Based Action Movie and Maybe Just Action Movie of All Time, and solidly in the top 5 of our general search. And you guys should be ashamed of yourselves.