“I’m not saying that everyone has to make New Year’s Resolutions, I’m just saying Guy Fieri does” is something that I wrote on Twitter on New Year’s Eve day, because I believe it to be true. Everyone could use some guided and purposeful self-improvement, but some of us could really use it. But so it is fitting that this morning I was sent a link to this supercut of Guy Fieri eating like a fucking pig. Get it together, my man. 2011, dude.

Yuck. My New Year’s Resolution is to kill myself if I ever resemble Guy Fieri in any way whatsoever*. I think it’s going to stick! (Thanks for the tip, Joe.)

*The one exception to this rule is if I resemble Guy Fieri in the way that Guy Fieri is an inexplicably huge success for terrible reasons. You guys don’t actually think I’m going to end my life right at the moment that I start getting rich and famous for no good reason whatsoever, do you? Because I’m not! I’m going to lord it over everyone, and it’s going to be awful!
Comments (93)
  1. It is amazing how close he comes to biting off his own fingers in every single shot. Careful, Guy!

  2. I’m going to blame the lack of Videogum in my life recently for the reason why I made it through 45 seconds of that video before I wondered why the hell I was still watching

    • I made it through 30 seconds, but i only stopped because I was so angry that I couldn’t eat anything in that video. All I’ve had since yesterday is saltines and applesauce and gatorade and I WANT A DAMN BURGER.

  3. To be fair, this is what I sound like when I eat pancakes.

    I love pancakes, you guys.

  4. This reminds me – I haven’t had breakfast yet.

    • and now you don’t want to! this might be my new diet plan (because new years resolutions are always diets, right?)

      • Actually, that video made me want some fruit. Oh my gosh, you’re right!

        For the record, my New Year’s resolution is not a diet (because why incinerate something that’s broken but that you definitely plan on fixing one day?). I’m actually going to be more aware of my water use this year, and turn off the water when I do dishes or shave my legs. (I wrote ‘or’ not ‘and’ — so don’t even try to make a joke)

  5. Gross is gross, no matter how you dress it up:

  6. You know who is great? Guy Fieri! My New Year’s resolution is to put my sunglasses on wrong and really develop my “Hunch.”

  7. Today in the epic battle of man versus food – we all lose.

  8. I plan on watching this whenever I get hungry

  9. Guy Fieri is a sentient mozzarella stick.

  10. “My hairstyle is appropriate for a 42 year old man.” – Guy Fieri, millionaire

  11. TRUE FACT: When Guy Fieri wants to seduce a woman, he puts on a Lounge/Trip-Hop ’98 sampler CD that he bought on sale at a Pier One that was going out of business.

    • TRUE FACT: Guy Fieri bottles his own sweat, which is mostly grease from a deep fryer, and sells it at his own chain of gas stations in Southern California as “Extreme Olive Oil”.

      • TRUE FACT: Guy Fieri once made it through 3/4 of a Philly cheese steak before he realized that it was actually an infant and that he was in the maternity ward of a hospital. Why the child was covered in melted cheese is not known.

        • TRUE FACT: Guy Fieri sleeps in a special bed made of bacon drippings and crushed bowling pins.

          • TRUE FACT: Guy Fieri is not only the president of the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies fan club, but he is also the only person to own a Cherry Poppin’ Daddies CD.

          • TRUE FACT: When scared, Guy Fieri emits a spray that causes paralysis in those who smell it.

          • TRUE FACT: Guy Fieri’s real name is Doug Flowers. He used to work at a used auto mall in Marmet, West Virginia, before a debilitating accident left him with only partial use of his brain. After years of physical therapy and years of depression caused by losing the only job he’d ever loved, he was recruited by the US Government to be part of a covert operation to lower opinion of Americans abroad, and thereby providing reasons for the US to bomb people. With great sadness, he accepted the call of his country.

      • True fact: I was eating when I read this one and gagged

    • This made my day. Thank you, Mans. You’re a master.

  12. I’d like to set him on Fieri.*

    * If you would like an explanation of this joke, please send a self addressed, stamped envelope to

    FLW’s Wakka Wakka Jokes
    PO Box 2342
    Peck Slip Station
    New York, NY
    10272-2127

  13. You guys, speaking of Resolutions, did you know that we have a Monster Fit Club (MFC) over on MOBFD?! Well, you know now! Come join the fun!

    http://mobfd.blogspot.com/search/label/Monster%20Fit%20Club

    • I’m totally with you, but does the Guy Fieri -approved Jack Daniels Chicken Sandwich with mayo, Jack Daniels sauce, bacon, and deep fried onions I just ate at T.G.I. Friday’s kick me out of the club before I’ve even begun?

  14. No one man should eat all those burgers.

  15. I had a room-mate that ate like this, he used to inhale a Jimmy john’s sandwich and then proceed to shovel the scraps that fell off it into his mouth, then lick the wrapper, I left the room every time he ate.

  16. No in-it-to-win-it supercut?

  17. He probably does everything in sixty second intervals. And yes, I’m talking about sex.

  18. I have long held the theory that Guy Fieri is the tragically perfect example of what emerges when traditional masculinity (rape, violence, wit) has been dissolved, with mostly good riddance, but nothing has yet taken its place except homophobia and eating shit. Quick, dudes, come up with some other way to remind us you have penises!

  19. Over our little break, I happened upon an hourlong Food Network special with Fieri cooking with Matthew McConoughy.

    Yeah. Exactly.

  20. he seems like a nice guy. what can i say? with so many hate mongers, people who think bloody marys taste good, and kesha out there, i think you can find a better target to pick a fight with. just saying.

  21. He is more Smash Mouthy than Smash Mouth.

  22. For whatever reason, youtubes don’t work on this computer so all I saw were blurry shots of spikey blonde hair making sweet love to various sandwiches (the audio, however, was crystal clear and if those aren’t the sounds of sweet love making, then I don’t know what is).

  23. Can’t wait to see this supercut on Leno without attribution.

  24. i would much rather watch giada eat.

  25. you’re all nuts. the guy drives around the country and eats delicious food and is a quasi celebrity because of it. what the hell do you do?

    • Well, I was the King for a long while, but I recently decided to retire. I took advantage of some of the new tax laws on gifting and went ahead and divided up my kingdom among my three daughters. One of them was acting sort of strange, but I am sure it will all work out and no one will get hurt. Now I just sort of hang out with this one friend of mine who likes to tell jokes and I curse the Heavens.

    • seriously i wish i could get paid millions of dollars for eating all the time because i basically just sit around and eat anyways

    • Well, an optimist might say I’m busy not giving the terrorists reasons to hate us.

    • Well, I don’t embarrass myself on TV. So I’ve got that going for me.

  26. My father invented the games Cootie, Don’t Break the Ice, Ants in your Pants and Don’t Spill The Beans. My house is huge and insulated by your childhood.

  27. Who cares? As long as he keeps wearing his sunglasses upside down and backwards, he’ll always be in my Cool Book.

  28. Another Guy Fieri fact – he is the owner of two restaurants, Johnny Garlic’s and Tex Wasabi’s. The menu at each is hysterical, and I urge you to check them out at your earliest convenience.

    • The front page really says it all. And I mean; REALLY says it all.
      http://www.texwasabis.com/index.html

      • “Follow Guy’s Rock N Roll Celebrity Lifestyle…” They need to fire who ever designed this page.

        And by fire I mean set on fire.

        • although, if you think about, mr. fieri was the one who approved it, so maybe he needs to set HIMSELF on fire. “EXECUTIVE DECISION! DON’T WORRY NO LIGHTER FLUID NEEDED AS MY HAIR WILL DO THE TRICK!”

          he’s his own boss! we can trust him to make the right decision, right?

      • the fact that a person that is famous and has lots of money and power and influence and can assuage their narcissistic tendancies by watching themselves on TELEVISION whenever they want still buys those fucking flamejob sam’s club shirts….. I have no way of ending that sentence. I’m going to go bathe in brine and wear a hair shirt for a couple days, hold my calls.

    • I don’t know. Whenever I’m in the mood for sushi, I wanna go to a place that also makes pork slyders (why ask y?). It just makes sense.

    • I did not believe that these restaurants were actual things, until brrrrrian posted the website. omg

  29. I hope foodgasms go on everyone’s New Years’ Resolution lists.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdUNP71sy8s

    Except this just made Guy’s video very inappropriate for me and my Five Guys burger.

  30. This reminds me I haven’t done anything to honor my New Year’s resolutions, one of which is “eating better”. Oops and also goddamit!

  31. He came to my town in 2009 in order to showcase our one culinary abomination – a 24 hour diner with a ~15 page menu. You know that rule about how “the more items there are on a menu, the less delicious each individual item will be”? Like, the exact opposite of the In n Out menu? Well, I bet you didn’t know that pancakes could be made to taste like the burger which tastes like the ice cream which tastes like the pho which tastes like the spaghetti. Infinite digest.

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