“Look, there’s no easy way to say this, but I think we should break up. I know. I’m sorry. What? Oh come on, your dad never liked me that much anyway, I don’t think he’s going to be that upset that I’m not there this year. Well when would you have LIKED for us to break up? There’s never going to be a good time, but don’t I get credit for at least being honest? No, I agree, yes, things have actually been pretty good between us. In some ways I’m just as surprised as you are. Well, right, OK, no, sorry, but you know what I mean. The thing is, we’ve kind of been on this, like, trajectory, right? Like things got serious and have been serious for awhile now, and we’re sort of heading towards the things that serious people who are serious together head towards. But I was watching TLC the other day…what are you laughing at? No that is NOT just a channel for sad women. Well, you keep laughing at me while I keep explaining to you why we are BREAKING UP. I’m not yelling, it’s just frustrating when you’re trying to be serious with someone who you care and respect a lot–I do TOO care about you, that’s not what this is. Anyway, I was watching TLC the other day and there was this woman on there named Kesha who is addicted to eating toilet paper? Like, she keeps toilet paper in her purse and is just constantly eating toilet paper? She especially likes going to the movies because it’s dark in there and you can just eat toilet paper during the whole movie? But, so, I was watching this thing and I realized that that’s what I have been looking for in a woman. Babe, I’m so sorry. No! No, don’t you see? You couldn’t have fixed us just by eating toilet paper because you’re not a woman addicted to eating toilet paper, it would have just been window-dressing on a broken situation. But, obviously, now that I know what I am looking for I need to get out of this death trap and go find it goodbyeeee Merry Christmas LOLOL.”

–You

I’ll admit that when Kesha acted like it was crazy that she would ever eat colored toilet paper because it has the dyes in it, I kind of understood what you see in her. She’s got a good sense of humor! (Thanks for the tip, Galen.)

Comments (72)
  1. My girlfriend’s just killing two birds with one stone.

  2. This woman is Charminsane! (it begins)

  3. “Can we confirm?”
    “Yes, sir. This is a Grade 1 Excuse To Post Photos Of Adorable Puppies Playing With Toilet Paper”
    “Excellent work, men”

  4. This Kesha eats toilet paper. The other Ke$ha produces shit. Circle of life.

  5. At least somebody is trying to improve the reputation of Keshas in this world!

  6. I can’t stand the taste/texture of popsicle sticks and this seems similar enough that this video is kind of making me gag.

    Thanks Gabe.

    #worstChristmasever

    • I always eat the last few licks of the popsicle in dread of the approaching wood taste. But something compels me to carry on, and after the popsicle is gone, I end up chewing on the stick for like a full minute until it is just a soggy pile of splinters in my mouth, totally ruining the minimal pleasure I got from the popsicle to begin with. I blame Catholicism.

  7. How does an addiction like this begin? Did she fall mouth-first into a toilet?

  8. What does she wipe with?

  9. She must be a toilet roll snob; I couldn’t see her putting any cheap bog roll down her throat, that’s like fast food tissue. She needs the good organic, recycled stuff; all brand, all the time….

    • I was really glad when she clarified what ply she prefers. I would have spent the whole day wondering if this is one of those situations where a thicker sheet is actually a negative.

  10. Almost 3 minutes worth of video and no suggestions for wine parings? Worthless, TLC, worthless.

  11. Does it need to be one-ply or two? Recycled or not? Does she have preferences depending on the day? These are the things I think about while bored at work.

  12. “Please stop eating my Mummy costume.” — Poor kids.

  13. Was anyone else even half-tempted to just put some TP on their tongue to see what this woman was talking about? I don’t think I actually will… but I’ve been thinking about it

  14. Midnight showings of Rocky Horror must be like a buffet for her.

  15. You know she won’t eat the colored
    You know she’ll just eat the whi-i-iiiite

    Just roll it up in ball
    And then go in for a bi-ii-ite

    But it’s the folks who eat food that really think you’re insaa-aa-aaaane,

    Let’s Eat The Scott Roll Again!

  16. My friend Tom and I once had a female roommate with whom we shared a bathroom. She was the first adult female I ever shared a bathroom with long-term and she had interesting habits, such as conducting Wiccan ceremonies in there and getting candle wax all over the toilet. In what I believe to be an unrelated bathroom habit, she used toilet paper at an astonishing rate. We would buy a whole Costco raft of the stuff and it would be gone in about a week. After 7-8 weeks, we convened a Household Meeting, at which Tom and I proposed that we remove TP from the Communal Household budget and each procure our own stock. She flipped out. “That’s not fair! Girls use more!” She raised such a stink that we felt bad and caved. However, for the next several months before she moved out (presumably because sick of living with boys), we would bang on the door whenever she was in there and yell stuff like, “You better not be eating all the toilet paper!” Now I realize she was.

  17. as long as she doesn’t eat da poo poo, i see no problems here

  18. And when she wants an extra-special treat:


    (THIS IS A REAL THING THAT EXISTS PEOPLE: link, google image search)

  19. hey, you may laugh, but poor kesha hasn’t been invited to a bridal shower for years because she keeps eating the fake wedding dresses.

  20. Holy shit this girl lives where I grew up

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