old_spiderman

I kind of wish this was an EXCLUSIVE SNEAK-PEEK at the new Spider-Man movie, rather that just some fun Photoshop from a fun photo gallery (via Internet). Right? As a people, we’ve definitely lost a sense of what awkward adolescence of radioactive supernerds was like in the 1300s or whenever this is supposed to be. 1492? Is that Columbus? Just kidding, you guyyyyyyys. I know the picture isn’t that old. It’s Vietnam, I think? ANYWAY: Spider-Man, you guys. Such a gentleman! Goodwife Mary Jane over there thinks he cuts a very dashing figure in his uniform. What do you think? Here’s an idea: why don’t you translate what you think into a caption for this photo and then post that caption in the comments. How’s that for an idea, chaps? Bully!

Clicke throughe to enlargee. Winnere will receive speciale placemente in this week’s Monsterse’ Balle. Huzzah.

Comments (136)
  1. “Why are you hands so sticky?”
    -ATGSTTSpidermanSoldier

  2. “Yes, but how is your cell phone reception?” –time-traveling extra, to Phinneus Franco.

  3. Venom found it much easier to pass as Spiderman before color photography was invented.

  4. With great power comes the Great War

  5. The Amazing War

  6. With great power comes great Sense and Sensibility

  7. Speak softly and spin a big web

  8. HAHAHAHA…..Spider-Soldier doesn’t have any medals. What good is an undecorated Spider-Soldier?

  9. First look: Spiderman Origins

  10. You know how hard it is to find a radioactive spider these days?

  11. The first official shot from the forthcoming Spiderman reboot received a lukewarm reception from fans, who described the new black ad white look as “TOTALLY for, like, old people and stuff, I bet my parents like this they like old people music and I hate them and there should totally, like, respect my individuality and desire to have a totally cool new Spiderman who shoots Pez instead of webs and GET OUT OF MY ROOM I’M TRYING TO COMMENT ON WE<3SP1D3RMAN.COM OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH".

  12. The fourth understudy for Spiderman: The Musical begins to think there have been some poor directorial decisions.

  13. So even Spiderman couldn’t kill Hitler, huh?

  14. So, does this mean World War 3 is gonna suck?

  15. Do you think he’ll like the pie?

  16. When Spidey comes marching home again,
    Hurrah! Hurrah!
    Does whatever a spider can
    Hurrah! Hurrah!
    He’ll spin a web of any size
    He’ll catch the enemy just like flies
    And we’ll shout “Look out,
    Spidey is marching home.”

  17. Wow, that musical HAS been pushed back

  18. This picture was taken when Spidermen could enjoy their racist soap without judgement.

  19. Dearest Mary Jane,

    The war is long and hard. Dr. Doom has gathered his forces of evil and they’re making a stand at his fortress in Latveria. In a hard fought battle with Hobgoblin and Mysterio, three members of the fantastic four were killed. Only The Thing survived. The Flash and I have erected a sonic fence. I only hope that it can keep Carnage at bay. I long to be home in Manhattan, holding you again.

    Yours truly,

    Peter

  20. “Is your hand warm now Spidey?”

  21. I was under the impression that the spider-suit was his “uniform”… Does this out Spider-Man as some sort of Never-Nude? Lawblog, I need clarification here

  22. Met with a cold reception, Julie Taymor tries to re-set her play in a time a little more familiar to the average theater-goer.

  23. “Spidey-sense still tingling? I sure am.”

  24. #ClarkGable4Spiderman

  25. Of course, Susan was overjoyed to have Frank home again. The two years he had spend oversees had been almost unbearable. With no children in the house, Susan would often sit for hours listening to the ticking grandfather clock, wanting so desperately to know where he was, if he was unharmed. Friends would come by on Saturdays, equipped with half-smiles and covered dishes, assuring her that he would be home soon. She would nod and say that she knew, but that was a great lie. Strangely, laundry became almost torturous, for there were no shirts to iron.

    But now he was home and the house was different because of his return. There was his weight on the floor, his smell in the bed. Still, Susan could sense he was different somehow. War had changed him. When she asked him any question about the past two years, his voice became distorted like a weak radio signal and he physically wilted. He told her everything was fine, but that was a greater lie.

    Also, there was the whole thing where he refused to take off the spiderman mask.

  26. “My spider-sense is tingling.”

    “That’s just your PTSD, dear.”

  27. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  28. LOST got so weird in the final season.

  29. “Have seen the new play based on the Spiderman funny book *stop* * Wildly diverges from source material *stop* Worst *stop* Play *stop* Ever *stop*”

  30. “‘Uber-mensch this’, ‘Uber-mensch that’… ‘Oh, save me, Uber-mensch!’… What about the Spinne-mensch, huh? No one ever calls Spinne-mensch for help… No one ever picks up Spinne-mensch’s bar tab… I bet he gets laid all the time, and I’m stuck with this old hag. Last night she called me ‘Uber-mensch’ in bed… What the hell is wrong with me?”

  31. I had no idea that Gabe was Spiderman!

    Get it? Gabe is old, and that photograph also seems to be old?

    Well, LBT, you tried. They can’t all be winners.

  32. Apparently, Uncle Ben led a double-life as the Archduke of Austro-Hungary

  33. Spider-Man and the Grey Goblin

  34. Lady on the left hand side: “I can’t wait to have your SPECTACULAR babies!”
    Spider-Man: “You’ll find it AMAZING how they will eatchyo ass on up when they are born because that is a fact that baby spiders do that kind o shit. Word.”

  35. Hand holding is his reward.

  36. Ken Burns wasn’t Sony’s first choice to to direct the Spiderman reboot, but he was the last choice and he was the right choice.

  37. “Come back with your web or on it.”

  38. Man, this clone saga thing has REALLY gotten outta hand. #90scomicreferences

  39. Goodbye-ee, goodbye-ee,
    Wipe the tear, Mary Jane, from your eye-ee,
    Tho’ it’s hard to part I know,
    My spidey sense is telling me to go.
    Don’t cry-ee, dont sigh-ee,
    there’s a Silver Surfer in the sky-ee,
    Bonsoir, old thing, cheer-i-o, chin, chin,
    Nah-poo, toodle-oo, Goodbye-ee.

    –Spiderman’s last words to Mary Jane before shipping out to the trenches. (Little known fact, Spiderman was an enthusiastic anglophile.)

  40. This puts the cobwebs on all of Grandma’s old pictures in a new light…

  41. Our Baby Friday
    Stood next to Spidey
    Adoring his reparte
    He offered some cider
    And to be her provider
    ‘Til Teacherman stole her away

  42. In the armed forces, advancement on issues concerning race proved slow. It would take many more years, as well as an executive order signed by President Truman, before a young black man was allowed to fill the position of Spiderman.

  43. DongLover for Spidey 4 eva!

  44. Imagine if they had spider babies, and then the spider babies ate the lady (because spiders eat their mother when they are born. Did you guys know that? About spiders eating their mothers. Just thought I’d tell you. You know, that spiders eat their mothers. Just in case nobody else had mentioned it.).

  45. “Some men say war is hell. Those men obviously don’t share my enthusiasm for dress-ups.”

  46. Were this Spider-Man mask a Time Spider-Man mask.

  47. New York’s hottest club is “Juicccccccce.” It has everything: rooms filled with ash, time travel, Spidermans dressed as soldiers.

  48. Arch Nemeses include— J Jonah Ferdinand, The Green Balkan, Doctor Ottoman, SandTrench, Zeppelin, and The War Bond Goblin.

  49. [Fade up, Exterior photo studio DAY, cut to interior photo studio]

    (Spiderman, in uniform, stands with Mary Jane, in the clothing of the era. The camera man prepares his equipment in the foreground, his face is not shown. Mary Jane adjusts her clothes and, happy to be with her boyfriend, smiles proudly. Spiderman appears to be stuggling internally with a great burden. Mary Jane smiles at him and he nervously smiles back, but you can’t see it because he is wearing a mask.)

    Spiderman (thinking): How am I going to tell her? What if she breaks up with me? I don’t know what I’d do without her.

    MJ (thinking): How can I tell him? What if he breaks up with me? I don’t know what I’d do without him.

    Photographer, (off camera): Ok we’re all set.

    [Spiderman turns to Mary Jane and holds her hands, staring deep into her eyes, but again you cannot tell because he wears a mask]

    Spiderman: Mary Jane, I have to tell you something.

    MJ: I have to tell you something as well.

    Spiderman: You go first.

    MJ: I want to have a baby.
    [{FLASH}, A picture is taken]

    Spiderman: I do too my love, but I have bad news.

    MJ: What is it?

    Spiderman: I ship out tomorrow.
    [{FLASH}, another picture is taken, Mary Jane is making a face like she was just punched in the boob]

    Spiderman: I don’t know what to do…
    [The camera whips around showing the face of the photographer. It's Steve Winwood, dressed similarly to a Newsie.]

    Steve Winwood: Bro, put your spider jizz inside of her.

    [Seemingly validated and confident in Steve Winwood's master plan, Spiderman and MJ stand close, MJ stares up lovingly at him. Spiderman stands smiling ear to ear, but again, you can't see it because he's wearing a mask. Steve Winwood quietly begins to sing Nickleback's "Hero", going note for note with Chad Kroeger. The camera begins to slowly zoom out.]

    {FLASH}

    END

  50. “stuggling” is not a word, see your second paragraph

    also it is spelled Spider-Man not Spiderman

  51. “Get me more Daguerreotypes of Spider-Man!”
    – J. Jonah Jameson, c. 1841

  52. “That’s one more toy we can sell” -Stan Lee

  53. Ironically, the disguise made Archduke Franz Ferdinand that much more vulnerable to assassination.

  54. After going through his Emo phase,


    Peter Parker went post-Steampunk.

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  56. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  57. Marvel vs Capcom 1930 prototype, Cammy vs. Spider M. Bison

  58. The Web Badge of Courage.

  59. At least we’re not Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis half naked

  60. I would have submitted, “Peter Parker, The Spectacular Doughboy”, but the uniform looks British and “Peter Parker, The Spectacular Tommy Atkins” just doesn’t make any sense, so fuck it.

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