Kevin James has a new movie coming out called Paul Blart: Mall Cop. It’s about a big fat guy who is so lame and he’s so fat and lame that all he can be is a mall cop because aren’t mall cops the worst? They’re not even real cops! But then some criminals take over the mall Die Hard style and it’s revealed that even though he’s fat and lame and the worst, he’s also got a heart of gold. And is a hero.

Get it? He’s fat! Segway scooter! I’m sorry! This is the worst!

Can we put Kevin James in jail now? Isn’t that how jail works? When people do enough harm to society, you put them in jail so that they can’t hurt people anymore. And by the looks of his body, he’s become a danger to himself as well. So putting Kevin James in jail would actually benefit everybody. Except the people in jail. Sorry, jailies.

Comments (26)
  1. “peanut blart and jelly?!” if this takes in more than pluto nash i think i might have to kill myself.

  2. He’s like so fat and like so stupid that his stupid fat face is bad at his stupid mall cop job because hes to fat and stupid and lame that he cant even be good at anything because of his fat lame and stupid face and he cant even get a gun or a real badge cause he’s so bad at life and work because hes a stupid fat lame empty shell of a stupid lame fat man who’s lame fat and so stupid that hes to fat to even do a tiger roll because of all his fat and stupid face would get in the way of his stupid body cause hes to fat and lame to roll and all his life hes wanted to be a stupid fat mustache wearing police officer but hes to lame to actually become one and so stupid that he cant get a GED and progress in life cause hes so fat lame and stupid.

  3. I won’t be gaining any new best friends with this, but how can your cold black heart not enjoy the fat-man-who-can-surprisingly-dance-better-than-you-would’ve-thought-if-you-had-had-to-guess clip?

  4. Tony  |   Posted on Oct 3rd, 2008 0

    So how long until Kevin James and Larry the Cable Guy do a buddy cop movie?

  5. Selena  |   Posted on Oct 3rd, 2008 0

    Angela- I’m with you- You gotta love the q-tip dance! You may all proceed to hate me now.

  6. matt  |   Posted on Oct 3rd, 2008 0

    lock him up!

  7. I think about Kevin James’s stand-up like once a week, in that he has a very TRUE bit about how obvious it is that a guy is walking with a weird stride so as to adjust his underwear/genitals.

    You can’t argue with facts, Gabe. You just can’t.

  8. It’s like Home Alone, but with an adult. Who’s fat.

  9. no...  |   Posted on Oct 3rd, 2008 0

    This might be the greatest movie of all time.

  10. Kevin James’s stand-up was alright..I could watch it with my mom and laugh. But his movies are horrendous.

  11. Kasper Husted  |   Posted on Oct 4th, 2008 +2

    Kevin James is da derp dee derp da teetley derpee derpee dumb

  12. This is an insult to the comedic integrity of Burlington, Massachusetts. Why? It was filmed at the Burlington Mall: the second claim to fame of Burlington, MA. The first? Amy Poehler.

  13. This is an insult to the comedic integrity of Burlington, Massachusetts. Why? It was filmed at the Burlington Mall: the second claim to fame of Burlington, MA. The first? Amy Poehler.

  14. sorry but i think hes hot

  15. huskygay  |   Posted on Oct 6th, 2008 +1

    i used to think he was hot and i kind of like some extra baggage on a guy, but it’s gone too far. he really needs to lose a few, then i’ll do him.

  16. caringiscool  |   Posted on Oct 7th, 2008 -2

    it’s so unfair that an overweight, semi-funny (i assume), not especially charismatic or good looking MAN can be given job after job after job, but in order for a WOMAN to get job after job she has to be some combination of skinny, pretty, young, obscenely talented or slutty-looking.

    it’s adam sandler. if adam sandler were best friends with ricki lake, she’d be starring in stupid, insulting movies, too.

    also, p.s. that wasn’t nearly as stupid as i expected it to be. it was no ‘white girls’ or ‘norbit.’

  17. Todd  |   Posted on Oct 7th, 2008 0

    Why isn’t this post about the fat kid dressed like Christopher Titus who says, “there’s some crazy people tryin’ to take over the mall?” Seriously.

  18. Liam  |   Posted on Oct 7th, 2008 +2

    Kevin James is definitely the worst, but I’m just glad that a movie is finally taking on the problem of extreme sports terrorists taking over malls in West Orange, NJ. Because that happens all the time. Except for when it never happens. Because thats a fucking stupid idea.

  19. Genevieve  |   Posted on Oct 8th, 2008 +1

    I think Kevin James is attractive. So I will be watching this on aol. Well maybe.

  20. aa  |   Posted on Oct 9th, 2008 +2

    how can you hate on kevin james? he is so cute and so funny. i will definitely be watching theis movie.

  21. sarcasticmeow  |   Posted on Oct 12th, 2008 -1

    So basically Kevin James is doing a uniformed adult version of Home Alone 4, but without the cute.

  22. Drew  |   Posted on Oct 25th, 2008 0

    WHOA, Kevin James has gotten really fat.

  23. edc  |   Posted on Dec 10th, 2008 0

    this website does far worse to society than this mall cop flick.

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