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Why, is it Christmas already? Because the new Goop is here! Just kidding. A tone-deaf celebrity’s self-indulgent, masturbatory ghost-written lifestyle email newsletter is NO GIFT. It is a curse! Also it is nonsense! From the latest Goop Blast (via HuffingtonPost):
I don’t know how it is where all of you are, but I am freezing my ass off. I will be relying heavily on my cozy winter boots to get me through to spring, however far off it may seem. Here are some of my favorites.
Love,
gp
And then a list of boots, I guess.
First of all, Gwyneth Paltrow, WE ALL KNOW ABOUT WINTER, THANK YOU. I appreciate you trying to blow the whistle on Big Winter but there are very few sheeple who have yet to have the wool ripped from their eyes as far as WINTER is concerned. But more importantly, you goddamned liar, HOW FREEZING CAN YOU BE WALKING FROM THE LIMO TO THE FASHION EVENT OR THE MOVIE PREMIERE OR TO TRACY ANDERSON’S PRIVATE WORK-OUT STUDIO OR TO NOBU OR WHATEVER THE HELL? “Super freezing out here, slaves, carry me faster.” For the record, you can be a self-satisfied, out-of-touch millionaire celebrity with future-assholes for children and a Gap jingle-writer husband WITHOUT being a blatant liar. You can tell the truth and still be insufferable, Gwyneth Paltrow, I promise.
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“Obviously, when it’s cold, you should just go to your house in Mexico early. Stop your whining America” -Gwyneth Paltrow
“and while you’re at it-eat the fucking cake”–gwyneth paltrow
I usually am one of those “eh she’s not that bad” folks but then she tells us to buy $625 boots and I can’t do that anymore
Still don’t hate her.
Put anything after a Glen Beck + followers comments post with this and I’m just not going to be able to hate it. Relativity is a very strong force.
whoa! has a point. Glenn Beck makes any asshole seem like a Care Bear in comparison.
but what about asshole bear, the little known care bear?
Is that one of these guys?
http://www.threadless.com/product/2371/Don_t_Care_Bears/tab,guys/style,shirt
But $1,095 Burberry Prorsum boots are the only things keeping her feet from succumbing to debilitating frostbite!
don’t be fooled by the boots that she’s got
she’s still gwyney from the block
I don’t know how it is where you are, but around here bears shit in the woods. It totally ruins the walking paths. Here’s a list of my favorite bear repellents.
-gp
I don’t know how it is where you are, but around here nannies don’t always want to cook. The should watch the children and cook me dinner. But, anyway, here’s a list of my celebrity chefs.
-gp
I don’t know how it is where you are, but around here I am way too broke to buy Burberry boots. I avoid freezing my ass off by never going outside. Anyway, here’s a list of ways I am better than Gwyneth Paltrow.
-THE REAL GP
This deserves a:
PARTY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a message for the Haters:
Gif courtesy of Teacherman!
All this Gwyneth Paltrow talk of late has me wondering what’s up with Topher Grace.
quietly shopping for scarves
I believe That 70s Show is still in Syndication.
POPULAR. POPULAR in syndication.
#nowIamtheworst
I’m a football star, I’m popular in syndication
I got my own car, I’m popular in syndication
All the upvotes!
Dear Gwyneth,
Please put on Iron Man’s boots, then jump into the nearest and deepest lake.
Love,
Humankind
You have to be more specific. For instance, the Iron Man Armor Model 07 (Stealth Armor MK I) has micro-turbines on the jet boots, possessing assisted air liquification devices & rings of liquid nitrogen. She’d be able to basically shoot back out of the lake.
Hey guys. My IT guy was at my desk working on my computer, while I was in a meeting and HEY, WHAT THE HELL?!
Your IT guy was cool and knowledgeable.
Nice try FLW:
(God, I am all about the Simpsons today)
Gwyneth: Here are some boots I like.
Gabe: FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!
Gwyneth: I was just tryi–
Gabe: FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!
“Like hell you get cold!!! You’re a celebrity! Celebrities never get cold!”
I imagine this spoken by That-One-As-Gabe as Ray Smuckles.
White people in general don’t get cold. Hence the fact that they are readily available in colder climates.
She can walk those boots right across Gabe’s crosswalk.
“‘Love, gp’??????? YOUR HEART IS INCAPABLE OF LOVE”
But… she loves her boots, doesn’t she?!
Just replace “freezing” with “obsessively exercising” and it is way less of a lie.
“and when I say I’m freezing my ass off, I mean freezing, as in zero degrees CELSIUS,” – gp
Silly Gwyneth. You can’t wear boots on your ass.
“When I’m chilly I have my dear friend Wolfgang Puck whip me up a steamy bowl of shark fin soup with truffles and caviar. Of course my exercise guru Tracy Anderson will make me do extra swats in my home gym, but it’s worth it!” –Love gp
“If you’re eating your shark fin and albino Siberian tiger soup and you realize you put too many gold flakes in it, just dump it out and start again! It’s not hard to make, and you’ll thank yourself when it isn’t too gaudy.”
Maybe she is living in the abandoned church Coldplay is recording in.
“We ‘ad to shack up in ‘ere because the acoustic just ‘ad to be right for this album! Sorry it’s so bloody cold!” -Chirs Martin
“Lorry” -Gwyneth Paltrow
Oh Gwyneth, you’re such a charmer.
Seriously one of my favorite gifs from one of my favorite music videos of all time. My boyfriend and I have managed to insert “Don’t be jealous of my boogie” into every conversation. Usually the other person will deny it, to which the original speaker will reply, “You can say that you are not, but I always see you looking.”
I think I pretty much just need to start using this gif all the time.
“I am in the half of the Earth Where it’s not winter.” – The people of half of the Earth
I just laughed so hard at this it made me nauseous.
“I don’t proofread my comments carefully enough.” – R2D2, Esq.
Why is she complaining when she’s obviously loves the cold…..play….hAHA
I hear it s lot warmer in hell…so…maybe you…should go there
i moved from the northeast to LA a few years ago. anytime i say “i’m freezing!” i hope someone punches me in the face. you know what? i can’t be freezing if the temperature if always above 32 degrees fahrenheit. (actually, it dips below occasionally! (it’s 68 here. looks like i need another face punch.))
Booooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
*trods through New Jersey frostbit roads and leaves*
It’s -21′ C where I am (-6′ F). It’s 34′ F in London.
I think I might have sprained my eyes from rolling them so hard at that Goop.
I just gasp-barfed! Gasparfed! That is fucking atrocious and inhuman and whoever is responsible for that should be punished.
-21 is not really that badif you own a good coat. It’s cold but not fucking cold. When I was in elementary school they didn’t cancel recess unless it was colder than -19. The really good complaining starts at -30.
#uphillbothways
me reading your comment, GG:
coat.. uh huh.. school recess.. uh huh..-30, yep…. #uphillbothways- hahahahahha *choke choke choke choke* haha
My dad LITERALLY gave me the “when I was your age I had to walk uphill in the snow 3 miles to school” speech and it was amazing and I was like DAD UR SO OLD LOLOLOLLOLOLOL and then he stopped.
Please do not gasp and barf at the same time, you may choke.
“My kids and I all have pairs of their hand-stitched Eskimo boots and I’m loving their shaggier models, like this pair that I bought a few months ago.”
Is she referring to the boots or the kids in the second half of that sentence?
She gave me the finger once. True story.
Okay, you can’t just say “Gwyneth Paltrow gave me the finger” and leave it at that.
haha I’m sorry! Ok – picture it! Hammerstein Ballroom, NYC, 2003.
I was seeing the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and I was on the floor level but near the back of the room, so if I looked up I could see the balcony pretty clearly. It was before the band went on so people were waiting around/milling about and I causally looked up at the balcony and I recognize her and Chris Martin (I don’t remember if they were even married at this point) so I said to my friend, “I think that’s Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin” but not in a “OMGOMGOMG” kind of way, just in a “oh hey, check that out” kind of way. So he looks but is like, “Where?” so I point and Gwyneth stares at me with ice blue eyes like she’s from the children of the corn and very pointedly and with such malice FLIPS ME OFF and then puts the hood of her jacket over her head like she is hiding from the paparazzi. My friend looked at me and he’s like, “Did that just really happen? Did Gwyneth Paltrow just give you the finger?!”
So yeah. That bitch gave me the finger because I LOOKED IN HER GENERAL DIRECTION AT A PUBLIC PLACE. She will be on my death list forever and ever. I may even dislike her more than Gabe does!
Slow clap, standing ovation.
They don’t love this story like I love this story
This is my favorite thing ever.
I wear it like a badge of honor now. Because I managed to ruin her evening (I hope) and who knows? Maybe her and Chris had a big fight post-concert because she was in an extra-bitchy mood because of the lowly girl watching the concert from the floor who happened to be in her line of sight. Maybe her left her crying outside of their chauffeured Maybach on the street corner, forcing her to take a *gasp* TAXI to her presidential suite somewhere.
At least this is how I like to picture it.
I can’t. No words. Can’t even. Omg. Like. OF COURSE. DUH WHAT A BITCH.
Wonderful
I am so glad that you lived to tell this tale!
Was it a finger crafted in Imperial porcelain by blind Tibetan monks, inlaid with gold. ($53,000 at Saks 5th Ave)?
In England they call that Lorrying the Lorry
Well we can just post a few of these around her mansion. She will get the message soon enough.
At least she spelled arse right.
It’s like, I want to call her a cunt… but she clearly doesn’t have the depth or the warmth.
But definitely the moisture. Amirite, Ms. Oily Legz??
Ugh she looks like Kesha.
Just smack some glitter on those puppies, and YUP.
Generic GP defense post.
Oh man guys, ya know who GP kinda reminds me of?
I think it’s the eyes.
To be FAIR, I am actually really cold right now. But I don’t know how it is where you are.
Maybe Chelsea Handler will call her a cunt now?
You guys, can we stop calling her gp? It’s making me really confused and sad.
I…am starting to like her? I think it was Glee. Or maybe I’m just feeling contrary.
Downvote me. I can take it.
I like her too. You are not alone.
Oh. Hell. Naw.
You can downvote Gwyneth. Hell, you can downvote me. I ain’t mad. But you downvote Bill Haverchuck and teeny little Sam Weir, and it is fuckin’ ON.
It’s like day-in, day-out “Gwyneth Paltrow is the worst!” “Gwyneth Paltrow is the worst!”
We are living in a post-Sarah Palin world, people, and I never thought I would say this – I only have so much hate to go around.
Ya know, it’s rare that Gabe unleashes a steaming torrent of righteous, unmitigated hatred in one of his posts. I’m glad he picked a worthy topic.
There’s a scene in the movie Possession where Gwyneth starts out really pale and then halfway through acquires a really visible suntan, like she was tired of “freezing her ass off” on set and jetted to St Barths for the weekend. Anyway, a GIF of that would go really nicely right here, is what I’m saying.
This comment would be great if it was the GIF itself instead of it’s explanation.