In the first 10 minutes of Jingle All the Way, before we even get into the slapstick, crime-laden, immoral plot, we learn that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a negligent father who doesn’t spend enough time with his family because he’s too busy running a successful…mattress company? Honestly, there is one scene during the opening credits in which we see Arnold Schwarzenegger at work, and he says the word “mattresses” and there are mattresses visible in the background, but it is never made explicitly clear what, exactly, his business is, or why it’s successful. After he leaves the office, it is never mentioned again, which is actually pretty surprising if he’s really supposed to be so obsessed with his work to the detriment of his personal life. But that’s actually not the issue I want to talk about. The issue I want to talk about is how the reason we know he’s a bad father is because he misses his son’s karate class where his son was promoted from a yellow belt to purple belt. Um, no he didn’t. Because that’s impossible. Later, the son angrily complains to his dad that he also missed his promotion from blue belt to yellow belt. Again, no he didn’t. Obviously, in a movie so riddled with HUGE and GENUINELY OFFENSIVE problems, it’s probably a waste of energy to get so mad about something like this, but there is literally not one single martial arts system in the entire world that functions on a belt system that goes from blue to yellow to purple. Even people who don’t know anything about karate know that yellow belt is a bullshit belt. The point is: if you’re going to make the super-specific choice to make the ONE DETAIL we EVER LEARN about this LITTLE BOY’S ENTIRE LIFE, his DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC BEING A MILD INTEREST IN MINNESOTA KARATE CLASS, at least do five minutes of research and get the details right. GOD DAMN IT. Seriously. Like, trust me, Jingle All the Way, you’re going to get a lot more things wrong in the coming hour and a half, it would be in your interest to get a couple of victories under your belt.

This movie is so fucking stupid and deplorable. It’s deplorable! I hate it. I hate it so much.

So, Arnold Schwarzenegger is a very busy mattress king, or whatever, who misses all of his son’s karate classes. He feels so guilty about this most recent offense that he tries to make it up to his son by asking him what he wants for Christmas. Now, let’s just stop the clock right there, Jesse Bradford. For one thing, this establishes that the entire conceit of this movie is, as one might have guessed, completely despicable. It suggests that a father can make up for a lifetime of damaging negligence by simply buying his child the right toy. Yuck. But what’s even more hilarious is that HE SHOULD BE ASKING HIS SON WHAT HE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS ANYWAY. That is what parents do on Christmas. The idea that he is somehow making it up to his child by getting him a present that he wants when that is what every other father is doing minus the day-to-day disregard is just a further sign of this A+ dad’s complete lack of awareness about his role in the family structure. That night he brags to his wife about how much him and the kid are getting along ever since he promised him the toy he wants (a Turbo Man doll). The wife is like “Oh good, so you definitely got him the toy that I already asked you to get him two weeks ago because it’s the most popular toy of the season and basically impossible to find anymore?” So, just to reiterate: negligent father attempts to make up for deeply ingrained negligent by asking an ignorant question with an obvious answer, only to learn he had been given the same answer two weeks earlier and promptly ignored it. P.S. tomorrow night is Christmas Eve. Why doesn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger just kill himself?

The rest of the movie is a “madcap” adventure in which Arnold Schwarzenegger makes ever more ridiculous attempts to find the elusive toy for his son (abandoning his family even more in the process), and also enters into a competition with another father played by Sinbad who also wants a Turbo Man doll. It’s retarded. Like, to give you a sense of just how retarded it is, aside from all of the running and punching and slipping and pooping and farting and grunting, at one point they are both in a diner when they hear a radio announcer say that the first caller to name all eight of Santa’s reindeer correctly will win a Turbo Man doll. The two men grapple for the payphone and end up, obviously, breaking the phone. But the waiter at the diner informs them that the radio station is just two blocks away. So they RUN TO A RADIO STATION and TAKE THE ELEVATOR UPSTAIRS and BANG ON THE WINDOW and at this point no one has called in with the correct answer (?) even though it’s a pretty stupid question that even these two dopes know the answer to, and then there is another fight and also a BOMB. I mean, good God. Speaking of bombs, the movie has, by my last count, at least 10 serious crimes including assault, impersonating a police officer, domestic terrorism, breaking and entering, and cruelty to animals. Oh, and tampering with the mail.

The movie’s climax involves a holiday parade in which an entire city of people, adults included, cannot wait for a Turbo Man float to pass by. Seriously, like, adults are screaming “WE LOVE YOU, TURBO MAN!” I’ve only been to Minneapolis once, and it was during the summer, so maybe this is an accurate depiction of the city in 1996, but I hope you guys have worked that shit out by now. Of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger ends up in the Turbo Man costume, at which point Sinbad puts on the villain costume and actually chases the little boy up onto the roof of a building. Meanwhile, everyone is just watching? As a grown man attempts to actually MURDER A CHILD? What is even going on here? And don’t get me started on this:

Also don’t get me started on the fact that neither Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wife nor son recognize him in the Turbo Man costume?

Again, I’ve only been to Minneapolis once, but how many 6’2″ rock-jawed dudes with giant buck-teeth and egg-nog thick Austrian accents are running around that place? Anyway, the little boy feels the spirit of Christmas and gives Sinbad the doll as he’s being hauled away by the police, because he doesn’t need the doll anymore because he’s got the real Turbo Man at home. WHAT? So just to clarify, the true spirit of Christmas is giving a violent criminal a toy that you yourself actually got kind of illegally or at the very least under questionable circumstances since the Turbo Man float dude was supposed to pick one lucky child from the crowd and Arnold Schwarzenegger just picked his son, which should at least raise some eyebrows in the Parade Prizes Steering Committee because your dad put on a costume and almost let you die. Such terrible nonsense.

Now, I know that it’s kind of beside the point to criticize Arnold Schwarzenegger’s acting, but holy cow, he was really ON HIS GAME in this movie, if being on his game means delivering a performance so horrible that it is almost impossible. Or at least pornographic. Like, how does this scene not end in a 20-minute long sex scene?


What does he think this is? Wild Hogs?

Every single aspect of the movie delivers an ugly and disgusting message. The most obvious ones, about consumerism as replacement for fatherly attention, and the acceptable use of actual violence in an attempt to GET what YOU WANT is gross, but also obvious. No duh. But even in smaller ways, this movie is just a fucking dick. Like, Phil Hartman plays Arnold Schwarzenegger’s recently divorced neighbor. He is always helping people out and being kind, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is always SO MEAN to him, yelling at him and rolling his eyes. Why? Why is it in movies that the nice person is always treated as the stupid asshole who deserves to get his block knocked off? Being nice is nice! But of course at the end of the movie, basically out of nowhere, Phil Hartman tries to molest Rita Wilson, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wife, in a parked car. So I guess he was a terrible person all along! (No he wasn’t. This movie sucks.)

Meanwhile, beyond the broad, obvious ways that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a terrible father, the movie actually shows him to be far worse than any of us could have imagined, although it never seems to suggest that it’s anything other than a misunderstanding. Aww, poor dads, always trying so hard and just never getting any credit. YEAH RIGHT. Here is Arnold Schwarzenegger talking to his CHILD on the phone:

Cool. Good dad. It should be noted that this face is made in response to his child’s request that his father come home and celebrate Christmas with the family. It should also be noted that after he hangs up, Arnold Schwarzenegger sits down for a cup of coffee at a diner. Really? How about GOING HOME TO YOUR FUCKING FAMILY YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT? While having that cup of coffee, Sinbad, who is also at the diner–riiiiiiight?–tells him a story about how when he was a kid, he and his friend from the neighborhood both wanted the same toy for Christmas but while his friend got the toy he didn’t, and his friend grew up to be a BILLIONAIRE (lololol) while he grew up to be a potentially sociopathic alcoholic mailman. At which point, Arnold Schwarzenegger has a panic attack about the future his own child is now facing if he doesn’t get him a Turbo Man doll.

Who is this moment for? Is it for parents? Are parents supposed to relate to the fear that their child is going to grow up to be a mailman (which is actually a pretty comfortable civil service job, assholes, so fuck you) if they don’t get the toy that they want? Because if it’s for parents, GET A GRIP PARENTS. Or is it for children? Is it a joke for children? Is it funny for children to see other children drink? I don’t get this joke. What I do get is that this is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life.

Eventually, of course, for no reason whatsoever, Arnold Schwarzenegger straight PUNCHES A REINDEER IN THE FUCKING FACE.


After this, and I am not joking, he pours a six pack of beer into a bowl and gives it to the reindeer to drink.

No.

Unacceptable.

In the end, it is much more important to me that people be good people than that movies be good movies. Like, I’d rather actual dads treat their kids right than worry too much about what a make-believe dad does to his make-believe child. But since there’s still lots of terrible dads in the world for real, and people still try and rape each other in cars, and knock each other down escalators and push each other off of roofs, and claw and scratch and bite, can we at least PRETEND like someone is decent around here? Is it not hard enough in this world without Jingle All the Way making it worse?

Oh well. Christmas is not always about getting what you want. Sorry. SORRY EVERYONE.

Next week: Christmas with the Kranks.

Comments (180)
  1. I hate this movie for one very specific nerdy reason:

    It caused this to happen

    Fucking fuck.

  2. Thanks for reminding me about Jesse Bradford
    I like to see Bring It On as a movie about him and Eliza Dushku that for some reason Kirsten Dunst is in

  3. Don’t mess with Arnold Gabe, I hear he’s a blue belt.

  4. Its dedication like this that made me vote for him.

  5. That Phil Hartman photo is big in Japan.

    • Is that a bukake joke? GROSSSSSSSSSS!

      • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

        • You are a huge twat, Steve.

          • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

          • Steve, I don’t know if you were addressing me or Frank Lloyd Wrong with your “jap scat” comment— as you tend to just hit the next incepted “Reply” button whenever you want to leave one— But if you are telling me I could have been talking about tentacle rape then NO. Bukkake is exclusively a term that defines a particular type of pornography involving one person and many other persons’ ejaculate. If I had meant tentacle rape I would have said tentacle rape.

            Now, if your “jap scat” comment was directed at Frank Lloyd Wrong’s comment about Phil Hartman’s photo being big in Japan- Well, you’re still a huge twat who likes to liberally throw around accusations of racism while simultaneously throwing out insensitive racial slurs yourself.

            Silly Steve.

          • I don’t think people who use “twat” in the pejorative should be calling other people racist. Racism is ok but sexism is totally cool right?

          • Game, set, and match for canadiantuxedo

          • I wasn’t trying to be sexist, and I wasn’t calling Steve out for being racist while under the guise of being sexist, I just simply could not think of a better word to describe him. If you want to interpret that as sexist you can do that, but I’m not and I don’t think my calling Steve a twat in any way hurts my argument that whatr he says is usually hypocritical and out of line.

            What word would you have used? Tell me and I’ll use that in the future.

      • Steve Winwood is the demon from “Fallen”. Apparently, there was no bylaw in the Demon Regulation Handbook precluding them from possessing Videogum avatars, and the “Fallen” demon, being a lawyer as all demons are, took full advantage. This is the only remaining explanation. I guess there was internet in that cabin at the end of the movie.

    • Watching this movie IS sorta like being the subject of one of those videos. Such is the degradation and disrespect.

    • Yup case closed. Let’s all go Christmas/Holiday shopping!

  6. Arnold is gonna be furious about this pan of his number one holiday classic.

  7. Today, we are all California and we all hate our governor.

  8. You know, I completely forgot this is set in Minneapolis. Honestly, I prefer the Fargo association.

  9. WMOAT is so much more enjoyable to me when you seem to have genuinely suffered Gabe.

  10. My dad was an alcoholic mailman and Hannukah was the best because we got all the toys the other deadbeat dads sent in the post until at some point the single moms in the neighborhood caught wise and my dad went to jail and got sober and found Jesus even though we’re Jewish so I guess my point is HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYBODY!

  11. I’m amazed Gabe didn’t mention this classic scene:


    Ugh!

    • Choreography by Yuen Woo-Ping, pre-Crouching Tiger. Everybody has to start somewhere…

    • midgets getting hurt, what an original comedy idea

      • “Midgets getting hurt,” he quips solemnly. “What an original comedy idea”. His mouth is smiling, but there’s something wrong with his eyes. (Steve wipes a silent tear from his cheek, moves the Final Draft file named “Le Petite Morte: Little People, Big Blood” to the trash-bin on his Lenovo desktop. He had pitched it as “Hostel for the Time Bandits set”. This was supposed to be his magnum opus. But that’s all in the past now.)

        • true story I think werner herzog’s even dwarves started small is a rad fucking movie

          • Steve, I love you dearly, but you’ve been very successful in you attempt to make it impossible for anyone to tell when you’re kidding. Because you say things that are poignant sometimes. Bravo, Sir.

          • couldnt care less

            allegedly the midgets kept getting hurt on the set of even dwarfs started small so herzog had to make a bet nobody’d get hurt again or he’d jump naked in to a bed of cactusi. so a midget falls off a car and gets its leg broke under the wheel so herzog kept his promise and to this day he’s digging out cactus needles out of his fucking body

          • And I have not been successful in my attempt to proof my comments for simple grammatical errors today. Fail.

          • i love that movie because i’m not sure if it’s just about a bunch of midgets, or if it takes place in a midget-only alternate universe.

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  13. Yup. just how I remembered it

  14. I remember seeing this in the cinema when I was 9 and liking it, mainly because all the pretty colors and the running around. But even then, I thought Sinbad was annoying as hell. I haven’t felt the need to re-watch it ever since.

  15. I don’t think I’ve ever nominated a film for the hunt, but this weekend I watched Please Give. We talk a lot about rich white people problems around here, and oooohhhhh boy. If ever there was a rich white people problem movie, it’s this fucking thing. SPOILER ALERT: the final (happy) scene to this movie is Catherine Keener and Oliver Platt buying their asshole daughter the $250 pair of jeans that she always bitches about not getting. This happens after Platt tries to comfort her about her insecurity after a facial turns her face red.

    It gets to a certain point where you ask yourself if the film has turned into satire, but no, we’re supposed to care about these assholes.

    • Oh, and there’s a scene in which Keener thinks a black man waiting for a table at a nice restaurant is homeless. She offers him food. It’s played for laughs. She feels apologizes and her and Oliver Platt laugh about it as they walk away. Please, Gabe, destroy this movie.

      • I feel apologize for that.

      • I watched it over the weekend too.

        you sort of acknowledged that this might be the case, so this isn’t coming out of nowhere – I think you were supposed to be pretty disgusted by the white people and their problems. I mean, some of them were more likable than others. but I sort of thought the point was that most of them were shallow assholes who felt guilty to different extents about being shallow assholes. and I think the homeless guy thing was bad character development, showing that catherine keener was clueless as well as kind of a pitiful person.

        i mean, my opinon is that it really wasn’t that great, but it was not the depths of hell you are describing.

      • YES! I watched it last month on the plane ride back to Europe (LADIES) and I immediately thought it was Hunt material. Every single character was either awkward or annoying. Amanda Peet’s character was such a bitch! And that scene where Catherine Keener wants to give a homeless guy a twenty and her daughter won’t let her? What? I’m pretty sure we were supposed to hate the main characters.
        This movie made me feel bad for being white and middle class.

        • I think it’s perfect hunt material too, but that’s cause I saw it as a kind-of-failed but ambitious statement about white guilt.

          look, the movie was clearly about badly-adjusted assholes. I think every line in the movie except the stuff the mammogram technician or the dude she met was purposefully exaggerated passive aggressive assholishness. the dude cheats on his wife and never gets a comeuppance. not a feel good movie.

          it was basically “happiness” except not really very good.

          • I think you’re right in a way, but we’re still clearly supposed to care about at least Keener and Platt. Keener really wants to give something back (she googles “volunteer opportunities” so WE KNOW SHE CARES, and oh look she’s looking at pictures of kids with cleft palates, she STILL cares). She feels guilty for paying peanuts for dead people’s furniture and selling it for thousands, so she asks her husband, “Do you ever feel guilty?” Very character development. Very dialogue.

            To me, we’re supposed to feel for Keener as she breaks down in the retirement home because it’s the first time she’s been outside of her insulated existence. “People are old! dawsoncrying.gif.”

          • yeah, I’m with you also that keener and platt were played both sympathetically AND like they were pretty pitiful people.

            it was pretty inconsistent, going from a scene in which she’s obviously being shown as a guilty unhappy stress case who screams mean shit at her daughter, to another scene where she’s sort of wise and smiling at her neighbor as if they’ve really come a long way and are such good people, and then back to her giving in and continuing to keep going with the bullshit business where a table might be worth $5000 or $7000 and all the customers are stupid or assholes…

            but, I don’t know – that shit does exist. why NOT make a movie about it, right?

          • seriously, of course I’m watching too closely if i noticed the score dip by 2, but who downvotes perfectly civil almost completely opinion-less opinions about the worth of a film?

            if you hate this film SO MUCH that a luke warm boring ass defense of it makes you mad, write something funny about how much you hate it like everyone else around here.

            whoever did that will never see this, but what a ridiculous fucking pussy you are

          • Urgh I upvoted you because you had a good point and then I saw you use the word pussy and I couldn’t take it back!

          • hey Napoleon Complex.

            well, ok, I’ll subtract by two to know my real score here.

            relax though – it’s just a word, doesn’t have to ruin anything

    • I would like to donate to your cause, That One.

    • I wasn’t aware that a decent amount of income equaled happiness and that problems go away when one reaches a certain income level.

      The characters don’t have to be likable, their situations don’t have to be ones you can identify with, and the jeans scene was both happy and sad. There was certainly no suggestion that money or material things could fix things for the family or provide any real stability. The temporary happiness and closeness that the family felt when the jeans were purchased was a very small victory for them. Bittersweet.

      Also, if the adultery committing husband and sappy, clueless wife were supposed to be all that sympathetic then I missed something. I thought they were just people, and when you really get to know anybody, how sympathetic are they?

      • oh, I was actually watching closely cause I was hoping someone else was going to come in and defend this movie and I’d get to talk about it more. cause I don’t know anyone that has seen it, and I did kind of like it. I said I thought the mix of cynicism and then feel-goodishness throughout it was kind of a miss. and even though parts of the dialogue were an exagerrated charicature of passive-agressiveness, I came away thinking the people seemed real – jerks, but like real people.

        so basically, I like what you said about it.

  16. I seem to remember watching this movie when I was 10 (sorry Gabe, we’re not all 67) and hating everyone in it. The dramatic conflict, for me, came from trying to figure out which character to hate more- should I hate the kid for being unappreciative of his father’s devotion to providing a comfortable middle-class life for his family, or should I hate the father for playing his spoiled little bastard-child’s game? Like, instead of sitting his kid down and explaining that he really does love him, he buys into the idea that a stupid toy is going to fix everything. Ulch, I hate this movie. And I hate almost every child character from 90s movies. They are all the worst.

  17. Right, Christmas 1996. I had just turned 14, and begun to realize live-action children’s movies were fucking appalling.

  18. As a minnesotan, yeah they pretty much got every aspect of minnesota right.

  19. In Minneapolis during the winter holidays there is in fact a crazy ridiculous parade for most nights called The Holidazzle Parade. It is awful. Having to sit in the streets of Minneapolis in mid-December at night (the movie got that WRONG, but who cares?) as a five year old is miserable but you think it’s fun from all the singing and floats covered in obscene amounts of Christmas lights. Its ingrained in me and is probably the reason I developed cold allegies (yup).

    • I always remember it getting cancelled because the wind chill was well below zero…

    • Oh come on, the Holidazzle is awesome! And if you can’t cut it on the street in the cold, thats why we have SKYWAYS! Rookie. All of Minnesota winter is about survival of the fittest.

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  22. I know we’re doing awful holiday movies right now, but I would like to submit an early nomination for the next round of regular WMOAT- Leap Year. Holy hell is this movie awful. It includes every stupid RomCom cliche you can think of, and the 2 main characters are the most miserable, unlikeable characters to ever grace my TV screen (and I’ve seen every episode of True Blood.)

    • Thankfully the trailers for this movie spelled out EXACTLY what happened in it, and even the lure of Adam Scott in the Baxter role was neutralized by how terrible and predictable the movie seemed.

      • I couldn’t decide whether to like or absolutely hate this movie when I saw the trailer. The plot looked terrible, yet it had a song from my favorite band in it. In the long run, I decided to hate it.

    • Yeah but… Adam Scott.


      (The movie is terrible though).

      • Mmmmm Adam Scott. So you say this movie is good? RomCom cliche? Where do I sign?

      • But he’s only in it for about 5 minutes total. Also, John Lithgow is listed 3rd (I think) in the credits, but he’s in the movie for only about 10 seconds and then the scene awkwardly cuts away right after he says, “But I just got here!” I know, John. You did just get there.

    • I agree! i thought i could make it through this movie because Amy adams is awesome and Matthew Goode is attractive, but it was atrocious. The ending alone made me wanna puke in my mouth a little.

      ALSO, get your geography right! There is no way that a ferry leaving Wales would go so offtrack as to land in Dingle. IT’S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY. they shot the movie in Ireland, and no one thought to point this out…

      • replying to myself:

        There is also no way that it takes three days to get across Ireland. More like 3 hours.

        • Even if you go by horse-drawn potato/hay cart?

        • Depends on whether you make the unfortunate decision to travel via Bus Éireann or not…

          • Oh that stretch terrible, especially the one that stops every 15 damn minutes and goes through Athlone. It took me four and a half hours to get from Dublin back to Galway where my apartment was (studying abroad in the spring). And this was after a 38 hour (straight) land trip from Berlin-London-Wales since the frigging volcano and Iceland decided it wanted to erupt the day my flight was supposed to leave. I was sleep deprived, homicidal, and virtually incontinent by the time I got off that bus.

          • I dunno if I’m hitting the right reply button or not (noob alert) but WHATEVER, full steam ahead!!

            Haha, that sounds pretty standard to me. I live in Cork, and naturally any event of note is held all the way up in Dublin because the rest of the country doesn’t actually exist, so it usually takes me 4-5 hours to get there by bus. You get used to it… you pretty much have no choice, such are the lack of transport options in this country. Hnnnghhh arghhhh DON’T GET ME STARTED

    • Hah, I just watched this a couple nights ago. Yes, it’s terrible.

    • This is one of those movies that effectively failed my airplane test. I watched this on a 5 hour flight and considered just turning it off and staring straight ahead instead, as doing the latter was more likely to make the time go by faster. But I stuck it out, which wasn’t worth it. At all. Oh, and the geography thing drove me absolutely batty as well.

      Incidentally, one of the few movies that has fully failed the airplane test – on a transatlantic flight with no other movie options no less – was Daredevil. I know it is ineligible, but sweet baby Jesus, that movie is just beyond terrible. Like it deserves a new category. I had to turn it off, because I was thinking things like, “Well, at least Ben Affleck gets to be blind in this so he doesn’t have to see how fucking awful it is.” That movie made me Reset Button myself after like 25 minutes.

  23. I love when people say “don’t get me started” because usually there is an awesome rant attached to it. Just get started already!

  24. (third time at this joke) The one and only Mattress King

  25. I love this movie. I watch it every Christmas. But there are rules:

    #1 You get schnockered with your in-laws on Glühwein.

    #2 You loudly repeat every line Arnie says.

    #3 You cry quietly when you think about Phil Hartman.

    #4 You do an immediate cleanse with The Birdcage or Young Frankenstein.

  26. 50 First Dates came on TV last night, and it made me remember that I do in fact have a most-hated movie of all time. And it’s 50 First Dates.

    So I nominate that.

  27. This WMOAT: Holday Edition entry is giving me the CHILLS.

  28. Reading The Hunt is so much better than reading what Virginia Woolf has to say about how to read. I read the words, Virginia. I know I am not supposed to bash my head into the cover to knock the words off the pages & into my brain.

    #procrastinationgum

  29. Somebody splice the “You’re my favourite customer” line from The Room with this “You’re my favourite customer” cut here.

  30. My friends and I have watched ‘Jingle all the Way’ multiple times every Christmas for four Christmases (as of this Christmas) and it has honestly become the most important tradition of the holidays for us. We’re saving up to buy a real life Turbo-Man doll of off eBay, wrap it up each year and circulate it amongst ourselves every Christmas. So, I’d get it one year, wrap it for the next, give it to someone else and repeat. They go for $200+ so we haven’t gotten too far with this plan yet. We ‘jingle’ every Christmas Eve Eve (December 23) as this is the date of the fatefull karatee scene that opens the film. We literaly talk about who we are going to invite or not invite all year. It is huge for us.

    All that to say that I’ve never been more excited to read a WMOAT. Merry christmas, it’s turbo time!

  31. Not looking forward to this one. (read: TOTALLY looking forward to this one.)

  32. I never thought I’d have to contemplate a universe, even a fictitious one, that contains some kind of desire triangle between Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rita Wilson, and Phil Hartman.

    In other news, I’m retracting my nomination for the appalling Brendan Fraser vehicle Monkeybone, because I love this feature. Monkeybone, a grating, irritating, chafing misfire by Nightmare Before Christmas’s Henry Selick in which the two leads are played by a literally comatose Brendan Fraser and a horny monkey, is so clearly and objectively the WMOAT that it would mark the end of this series.

  33. Bravo, Gabe. Your insults are like a fine wine, and I drink it all up.

  34. True story: I bought this movie a few years ago (when I was a stupid teenager) because Chris Parnell has a bit part in it. All the time that I’ve had it I’ve only watched the one scene with him, once. I keep it because I STILL LOVE CHRIS PARNELL SO MUCH YOU GUYS DON’T EVEN KNOW. Come on, y’all know Dr. Spaceman’s the best.

  35. but seriously though, that reindeer punch made me laugh so hard.

  36. if i knew my son was going to grow up to become an intergalactic jerk like darth vader i would have neglected him too.

  37. Gabe, thanks for the aside sticking up for mailmen. I’ve argued that point myself. My best friend’s dad has been a mailman for years and likes his job about as much as anyone I know. My parents think his family is low brow and an example of what happens when you don’t go to college. Should I point out that my friend’s family all get along and are pretty much happy with their lives whereas my parents are miserable people and none of us kids ever want to go back there?

    I might go apply to be a mailman…

    • In Germany, mailmen ride bicycles and are cheerful, polite, and extremely good-looking. That every mail carrier should be so pleasant to speak with and look at.

  38. In the 90s, our JNCOs were falling down as a nation. Our JNCOs were sagging off our asses and no one cared.

  39. I know we haven’t seen it because it hasn’t come out yet, but can I nominate “The Beaver.” Can we do a VMC/WMOAT fusion? We all already know that will be an awful, awful movie…

  40. Seriously. does it work this way? Like a preemptive nom?

  41. Oh! Gabe! Could I pre-submit the movie Splice for WMOAT? I saw that movie one year ago and it still chills me with horrible rage-hate.

  42. I nominate 2001: A Space Odyssey, it’s the longest movie ever made, and I’ve seen Benjamin Button.

  43. I love me a casual Clockstoppers reference.

  44. it’s probably pretty bad that this is the first time I looked at the film being covered and thought “Ah Come On! It’s not THAT bad”

  45. As much as I love christmas, this movie makes me feel like this…

  46. If they can’t get the order of karate belts correct, we can’t expect them to spell Warehouse correctly either.

    http://www.glowfoto.com/static_image/07-011345L/9876/png/12/2010/img6/glowfoto

  47. For the love of god, PLEASE nominate SKYLINE in this hunt. It’s one of the most astoundingly awful films I’ve seen in a long time. This film has to be seen to be believed. PLEASE DO THIS FILM!!!!

  48. But The Walking Dead says its perfectly acceptable for mailmen to drink wine in France.

  49. IT WAS EVERYTHING I THOUGHT IT COULD BE.

  50. This is my #1 favorite movie of all time for all those reasons.

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