FLASHBACK: it’s chaos and panic, there’s “walkers” everywhere, no one knows WHAT to do. Shane is at the hospital, trying to rescue Grimes, who is recovering from his gunshot wound-induced coma (didn’t he get shot in the shoulder? Never mind). Out in the hallway, some marines in HAZMAT suits have rounded up all the human beings and are shooting them in the head, just in case. Haha. Whoa. Stand down! Shane hides in Grimes’s room and just stares baffled at the health machines purportedly keeping his friend alive. In retrospect, it’s starting to feel like maybe Shane didn’t plan this through. Like, between the white-knuckle dodging of the Death Squads and the staring dead-eyed at an I.V. like it’s an unsolvable Sphinx riddle, it’s starting to feel like maybe Shane should have taken five minutes back at home to just work out a couple of contingency plans. Don’t get me wrong: very brave of you, Shane. Thank you for coming to get Grimes. But, like, it’s clearly the middle of a Zombie Apocalypse, so at the very least you might have suspected that there would be a couple of bumps in the road. There is an explosion and all of the machines blip off. Whoops. Shane counts to three, and when his friend doesn’t open his eyes or even update his Facebook status from “coma” to “it’s complicated,” Shane pushes a bed in front of his door and runs away. Sure. I mean, multiple times throughout this series we have seen that even heavily guarded, seemingly impenetrable spaces have been easily overrun by the walking dead, we know that Grimes makes it out of the hospital. Maybe mankind should have taken a closer look at this whole “bed in front of door” strategy. Might have saved a lot of lives. Oh well. Better luck next apocalypse.

It’s the season finale, you guys!

Back at the CDC, the gang runs into the lobby. “Hello? Hello?” Click clack. Oh there he is. The doctor points a gun at everyone and asks if anyone’s infected. Cool question. Like, that just seems like one of those questions that you have to answer honestly because you’d just feel bad if you didn’t. “Yeah, me, I am, you should probably shoot me in the face. Bye guys. Love you.” The doctor asks them what they want. Ha! Another really good question, since what they want could be almost anything. Grimes says they just want a chance. What? Come on, Grimes. Be more specific. No puzzles in a gun-stand-off in the midst of a zombie apocalypse in the lobby of the CDC please guys. Save it for the poetry slam. The doctor tells them that a blood test is “the price of admission.” Considering the way that this episode ends, seems like a blood test might not be the wisest allocation of resources, but fair enough. You’re the crazy doctor, doc. He also tells them that they should get whatever they need from the outside world now because once the doors close they stay closed. Everyone’s like “Cool, definitely not even going to question what the implications of that could possibly be.”

And then: party time!

Easy on the wine, guys. The old guy explains that in Europe, children are allowed to have a little bit of wine at dinner. Grimes is like, why not, let’s let Carl have a little bit of wine. Really, The Walking Dead? I mean, on the one hand, I’m all for easing America’s puritanical relationship towards, well, everything, and am fully in favor of being open and honest with children about the adult world up to and including letting them have a little bit of wine at dinner so that alcohol is demystified for them because the roots of alcoholism are biological and not particularly dependent on age–like, an alcoholic will find alcohol eventually, that’s not the issue here–and this (potentially) prevents teenagers from dangerously over-indulging out of some kind of adolescent enthusiasm for gaining access to the forbidden, but how long are we going to spend on this whole “Carl having a sip of wine” scene? I also like that the argument for why Carl should be allowed to try wine is “Europe” rather than “because the fucking world has ended.”

On that note, right before everyone got plastered, when the doctor was doing blood tests, someone asked him what the point was since anyone who was infected would be running a fever anyway, and he said that he’d already “broken every rule in the book just letting you in here.” Haha. Relax. Pretty sure that book is OUT OF DATE and that no one will be printing an updated, more relevant edition.

Anyway, back in Wine Country, Shane puts an end to the calm and relaxed sense of happiness and relief that one might think zombie apocalypse survivors would expect to enjoy for just a little bit longer than three seconds when they find a safe shelter full of (so much) wine and food, because Shane wants some answers from the doctor about how come he’s the only one left. Oh Shane. Who do you think you are, Mulder? Leave it alone. The truth is no longer out there. Grimes tries to get Shane to relax, but Shane is like “This was your move. This is why we’re here, isn’t it?” Uh, fair enough, Shane, but if you are going to play hardball, how about you PUT DOWN THE GLASS OF WINE YOU ARE ENJOYING and SPIT ALL THE FOOD OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. Seriously, what a shithead. The doctor explains that everyone else left to be with their families OR killed themselves. Neat. Next question! The doctor takes everyone to their living quarters and urges them to conserve their electricity usage, and to enjoy a hot shower but not to enjoy it TOO much. At which point, this happens, LOL:

Different shower strokes for different shower folks. Oh man. Shane drinking in the shower made me laugh out loud. This guy knows what Shane’s talking about.

Everyone is just wandering around with full bottles of wine in their hands. YOU GUYS, TAKE IT EASY ON THE WINE, ALREADY. Speaking of taking it easy on the wine: Shane tries to rape Lori in the rec room. But first, he explains WHY he is about to rape her. For example, he explains why he thought Grimes was dead. Fair enough, still not really cause for a rape, but go on. Then he explains that he wishes he could have traded places with him. Again, a nice sentiment, although one hardly believes it to be true considering that you’ve been very testy with him ever since he showed up, last week you almost put a shotgun hole in his back, and you are about to try and rape his wife. But continue. Shane says that if Lori didn’t think that her husband was dead, she would have stayed behind and she would have died, so if you think about it, he really saved Lori’s and Carl’s life actually.

OK, well, now you are just getting it twisted, Shane, because even if that is true, your original point was that you genuinely thought he was dead and that it was an honest mistake, but now you’re kind of arguing that even if you had lied it still worked out for the best, but if you’re going to rest your case you should not even be suggesting that you might ever have been anything less than honest. But more importantly, I will point out that not one of the things you have said is justification for a rape, due largely to the fact that there is NO JUSTIFICATION for rape. Lori scratches him. He leaves.

In bed, Grimes tells Lori that they don’t have to be afraid anymore. Oh Grimes. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT? Grimes is a true American Hero, but sometimes he’s a real fucking idiot. Like, I know that this scene is supposed to be intense because what Grimes doesn’t know is that his best friend just tried to rape his wife, but even if that hadn’t happened, how are you going to tell your wife that there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore? You’re still living in a basement miles underground in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, even if the power wasn’t about to run out in an hour, one could safely assume that this isn’t a permanent situation.

The next morning, everyone is hungover. But not too hungover to notice that Shane has some werewolf scratches on his neck, like what a werewolf would leave if you tried to rape a werewolf in the rec room. Shane says that he must have done it to himself in the night. “I’ve never seen you do that before,” Grimes says, which is kind of funny, because huh? “I’ve been your partner for how many years, Shane? And every morning, I have gone over your neck with a magnifying glass to see if you have scratched yourself in the night, and never have I seen this.” Shane says that it isn’t like him and stares super hard at Lori. OH MY GOD ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SHANE, CAN YOU NOT EVEN BE THE SLIGHTEST BIT COOL FOR EVEN JUST TWO SECONDS EVER WITHOUT BLOWING UP YOUR OWN SPOT? AND LET ME ALSO POINT OUT, SHANE, THAT IT’S NOT LIKE THIS IS YOU DROPPING HINTS RIGHT IN FRONT OF GRIMES ABOUT HOW YOU WISH YOU WERE STILL FUCKING GRIMES’S WIFE. THOSE ARE ANTI-RAPE SCRATCHES, YOU DUMB FUCK. Someone shoot Shane in the head. Just in case.

Then again, shame on Grimes for not picking up on any of the signals. You’ve got five minutes to solve this mystery, Grimes, otherwise I’m gonna need your gun and your badge on my desk, because I am NOT telling the DA that you messed this one up again.

The doctor walks into the breakfast nook, and Andrea is like “We didn’t come here for the eggs.” Jesus Christ! You know, for a ragtag gang of malnourished apocalypse survivors, you guys are all acting VERY entitled. The doctor takes them upstairs and asks the AI computer to show them a video of a brainscan on the jumbotron. Again, considering where this is all heading, you’d think that maybe they could watch this on one of the smaller TV sets that are all over the place? And while we’re at it, maybe you should just use a mouse to find the file on your harddrive without running a system-wide voice-commanded artificial intelligence unit. Reduce reuse recycle, guys. Everyone is super-impressed with the brain scan. They all think it’s super pretty. “Neat,” everyone says. The doctor keeps talking about how it’s actually an incredible brain that they are looking at, and how the person whose scan they’re looking at was very brave, but I’m sure it’s nothing. Probably nothing. Just a regular old patient probably. The brain goes black from the zombie virus, and then the virus restarts the brain stem. It’s all very convincing and scientific, I’m sure. Then there is a flash. “What was that?” someone asks. “He shot his patient in the head,” Andrea says. HAHAHAHHA. Right. “Let’s just leave this expensive brain scanning equipment on while I shoot this zombie in the head. What? Move the body somewhere else or at least turn the scanner off? Nah. I’m a doctor!”

Hey Doc, the old man says, why is that clock counting down? Oh shit.

So, they have one hour until the CDC super-computer will initiate its decontamination protocol. Yikes. AGAIN, rather than just explaining what that means, the doctor asks the computer to define it. Really? You have an hour left and you’re going to run down the clock with shit like that? Kill yourself. (SPOILER ALERT.) Shane and Glenn and Grimes and Darryl go downstairs to check out the generator sitch. There are empty oil drums everywhere and one operative generator with its needle on empty and just, like, a tube running into the open hole of an oil drum. Haha. Have you guys ever noticed that the CDC’s emergency power system is kind of ghetto? Back in the control room, the doctor kisses a photo of his wife one last time and tells her that he tried his best in the time he had. OH WAIT HIS WIFE WAS THE PATIENT ON THE BRAINSCAN! No duh. Andrea is like “Oh wait, your wife was the patient on the brainscan,” and everyone else is like, “no duh.” Carl is like “No duh, Andrea. Come on. I’m drunk!”

The doctor seals the doors and traps everyone inside where they’re all going to be burned up. Then everyone gets into this really intense argument about hope. Oh brother. Note to Self: if you ever find yourself as a survivor in ANY kind of apocalyptic situation, zombie or otherwise, do NOT get into some argument about hope. It’s too boring. Anyway, Darryl tries to open the doors with an axe. Classic Darryl. And Shane tries to shoot the doctor in the face with a shotgun. Classic Shane. Grimes grapples him to the floor. Classic Grimes. “Are you done?” Grimes asks, like three times. Uh, Grimes? You’ve got 10 minutes until your family is meat toast. Stop asking Shane if he’s done. He’s either done or he is not done, you don’t actually need an answer to your rhetorical question. More arguing. Hope hope hope. Wine. France. The doctor eventually agrees to open the door to the control room, but he can’t open the front door. Really? Isn’t the CDC’s top-security lab buried deep in the molten core of the Earth under reinforced steel and concrete? Do they really need to lock down the atrium as well? Anyway, run run run. Glass glass glass. Oh, the windows are bullet proof and also chair proof. (Haha with the chair. No dice! Weird.)

Luckily, one of the women has been CARRYING A GRENADE IN HER PURSE THE WHOLE TIME. Hahahahahhahhaha. Oh, also a bunch of people stayed behind in the control room to kill themselves with the doctor. Goodbye. Who cares. I’m not trying to be a jerk, but if you want to kill yourself at this point then kill yourself. What’s the issue? Have fun. The old guy is like “don’t kill yourself.” Why? Let her kill herself.

They blow up a window with a grenade. Literally one window. They rush out to their cars and stuff. Remember how yesterday when they arrived at the CDC they were panicking because they didn’t have any food or fuel and they were definitely going to die if they didn’t get inside? All of that is still true, right? They see the old man and Andrea escaping through the window. I guess they decided not to kill themselves for some reason. Oh right, BECAUSE OF HOPE. (The black lady stuck to her guns [in her mouth] and killed herself. Good for her.) Uh oh, Andrea and the old guy, the decontamination protocol has begun! Imagine that there is a free Sonic root beer float waiting for you in the RV and RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA.

Uh.

AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA.

AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA.
AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA. AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA. AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA. AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA. AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA. AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA. AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA.

Oh man.

AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA.
AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA.
AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA.
AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA.

Look, I’m not trying to tell the CDC how to do its job, and it’s not like I’m an expert in the containment of deadly diseases and weaponized smallpox or WHATEVER, but they REALLY might want to take another look at their Corporate Explosion Policy because at least to the outside observer it seems overly aggressive. Just saying.

The End.

Comments (119)
  1. I feel like Left 4 Dead would have made a better basis for a show than The Walking Dead. Anyone?

  2. Mad Scientists: Dear friends, I have invited you into my home. I have given you my food to eat, and my wine to drink. I have sheltered you from zombies, and I have told you everything I know about the cause of the apocalypse. I have recounted to you a story about the deaths of my dear friends, a moment which was very painful to me, in order to satisfy your endless curiosity. I myself have spent my last days here, miserable and alone, when death would be a welcome end, in the hopes of performing some last bit of research that would give humanity hope. In exchange, all I ask of you is that you make an effort to conserve hot water during your shower, because once this facility runs out of power we will all be killed by a blast of incinerating fire.

    Everyone else: HOT WATER?!?!?!
    (They then proceed to shower for hours while:
    1. Dancing ecstatically
    2. Making out
    3. Drinking an entire bottle of whiskey.
    4. Weeping until the steaming hot water rises up to cover their knees.

    Mad Scientist: Fuck you guys. (Kills them all.)

  3. I’m just relieved to know the CDC will still have access to fresh eggs several months into the zombie apocalypse.

  4. well noah emmerich certainly did not exhibit the same optimism that he did as 1980 us olympic hockey team assistant coach craig patrick in the 2004 film ‘miracle.’

    • If only Grimes and gang knew that they were actually just being filmed and were the #1 television show in the real world. Which would make all the killing and suicide pretty depressing. This “joke” has gone on too long. Noah Emmerich?. Truman Show?. Anyone? Shut up Kyle.

    • That guy exuded serious Cult Suicide Pact, which combined with his Mormon-elder looks* creeped me out way more than the zombies.

    • He wasn’t looking for the best zombie-apocalypse refugees, tomjoad, he was looking for the right ones.

  5. Actually, the RV was broken down days before when they dropped off the guy with glass bones by the side of the road, (no more duct tape!) and then they all hopped back in and drove to the CDC, ran out of gas, and then got back in and drive off to wherever. Anyway, I want a magical RV like that for Christmas!

    • Yeah, what the hell? Did they forget to put in the scene where they find another roll of duct tape? This show is stupid.

      Grimes to worn out duct tape: “You’re killing usss!!!”

      Worn out duct tape to Grimes: “You’re right, I was being selfish. Hop in. I am so, so sorry for upsetting you like that.”

  6. 3+ Things I wish would just happen already, like gah:

    1. Shane’s inevitable Vader-like attempt at redemption, getting eaten by zombies while saving “Carl.”
    2. Old man to stop looking so dang surprised all the time and stop asking so many questions. Brush up on your S.C.I.E.N.C.E, AMIRITE?
    3. Short Round drowning in the hatch, pressing his palm to the window for us to read “Not Merle’s Truck”

    Also, at some point I would like to be able to look at a disillusioned zombie fanatic and be able to tell them, “It gets better.” Sadly, I don’t know if this is possible, what with horrible CGI CDC splodes and zombie beheadings. They should really get some new writers…oh wait…

  7. Of all the complaints I have about this show, the biggest one continues to be that the zombie blood looks like it’s fresh from MS Paint. Next season they better get some Dead Alive-style gore up in this comical melodrama.

  8. Best line of the night: when the blonde lady said “What part of ‘It’s all over’ do you not understand?” Ha ha ha who invited Bandler Ching to the zombie apocalypse? Could civilization BE any more over!?

    Hey Gabe, What part of how the line “What part of ‘its all over’ do you not understand?” is the highlight of the show do you not understand? LOL!

    Plus, how come the show decided to make sure the idiot blonde lady is rescued but the black lady had to be killed? Racism being evil is probably why they fired all the racist writers.

    • I had no idea the black lady and T-Bone(T-Dog?) were dating until she stayed behind. I guess we’re supposed to assume the only two black people are obviously a couple.

      • I don’t think they were dating, they were just referring to each other with affectionate nicknames.

        And as for leaving the black lady behind but not the blonde lady, everyone but old hatted man were ready to leave both of them to burn, and then all three of them when old hatted man decided to talk to the blonde lady, whom he is crushing on hard. Also, blonde lady is making the decision to stay in a state of full-fledged, fresh grief, and the old man knows that. The black lady is cool as a cucumber. “Yup. I’m good, ya’ll.” Everyone’s like ‘awesome.’

        SO- I don’t agree. There’s already so much silly racial crap to tear apart on this show that I think it’s a big stretch to count this “who stays, who goes” scene, when in actuality it’s about two specific people’s growing bond of friendship, and how one doesn’t want to live without the other.

        No one’s mentioning that a WHITE MAN also stays to get blow’d up.

    • Yeah, I had made this same point yesterday in a tweet:
      Black woman: “I want to stay.” #walkingdead: “Really?? Well ok.” Blonde woman: “I want to stay.” #walkingdead: “NOOO WE CAN’T LIVE W OUT U.”

      • Exactly. Were they just done with that character and didnt want to write for her any more? That just made no sense. Hate this show actually.

        • I think that’s actually the first piece of writing they really threw her way.

          I mean don’t get me wrong – good death – but it would have been nice for her to get some characterization along the way.

          • In Memoriam: the Black Lady (Jacqui) from Walking Dead:

            “I’m a City Planner. There are tunnels probably.” – Episode 2
            “This is bitch work.” – on cleaning laundry, Episode who cares.
            “I’ll help take care of that guy who is turning into a Zombie and we eventually leave for dead.” – another episode.
            “I’m dead now.” – Season Finale.

            You will be missed?

        • Yeah, this show is a big fucking disappointment. It showed some potential early on, but there were some dumb things about it. Then there were more and more dumb things until EVERYTHING WAS DUMB!!!

      • I hate this show. I have hated it since the second episode. The books were so good. And the show is so bad. And yet, I watch. We all watch. Even though the show is really bad. Maybe it’s US, guys. Maybe WE’RE the zombies. Because We Keep Watching.
        #metacommentary
        #wearethewalkingdead

    • also, T-Dog is the de facto COOK!?

    • Well, now that the pesky writing staff is gone, all new black people will be magic, Darabont-style.

      • You mean like Whoopi Goldberg’s Magic Space Negress character from Star Trek the next generation?

        You have to look forward to a writing staff who hopefully will abstain from the use of the popular “What part of X do you not understand?” cliche in their writing, one hopes.

  9. So does anyone know what the scientist whispered to Grimes? I’m not sure if it’s covered in the graphic novels or not.

    My theories:

    1. He saw Shane try to rape Lori (I’m assuming with all the technology the place had, there are cameras in every room).
    2. He found out Lori was pregnant through the blood tests (you can find that sort of thing out right? I’m not a scientist).

    • He whispered “My father killed me.” Grimes will forget this promptly then remember it later after a vision of the bald giant.

      • Ah man…

        If only this show was even remotely as great as Twin Peaks.

        • “Carl” ends up trapped inside a doorknob and Grimes comes crawling out and hisses “Wwwwhhhat happened to “Caaaarrrrrrrl”??????” Twin Peaks was not uniformly great. Had its low points, bro.

          • TWIN PEAKS WAS A SAINT!!!

          • Remember when Mulder was on the show as the transvestite FBI agent? Or that stupid sub plot with Andy and the secretary and that goofy british guy love triangle? Or when Billy Zane shows up in his private jet and Audrey is like “Let’s fuck” and he’s like “here?” and she’s all “It’s YOUR jet!” Woooof. Not 100% great. Had its moments sure but come on. That show was far from perfect, brohams mcgee

          • You forgot James’ Motorcycle Adventures.

          • Oh god, all of James’ second season antics were THE WORST. That lady wants him to kill her husband? And then the reveal of her brother/lover? That season dragged pretty hard (mostly, I think, because Lynch was no longer writing it), but it was necessary for understanding the last episode. So, worth it.

      • LOLed very hard at this.

        thanks

    • My guess is that the new writers are all gathered around a table asking themselves the same question. Let’s see how it pans out next season!

    • I read somewhere that the whole CDC detour was a Darabont addition because like, they’re already in Atlanta so might as well? So I assome the scientist whispered something along the lines of “this detour was totally useless and not at all relevant to the ongoing plot but at least you’ll get a big season finale explosion out of it!” Because if you’re not going write in a genuine cliffhanger, you might as well blow something up.

    • it has to be that lori was pregnant… that is in the graphic novel but there is no CDC detour in that version. i think that is the only reason they had them all do blood test. thanks captain convenience!

    • Damn Kreigle. It has to be preggers Lori. Nice catch.

    • The doc did say that there were “no surprises” in the blood tests, so I’m thinking the secret isn’t that Lori is preggers. Something else…maybe about the disease itself?

      I also find it really annoying that in the same 24-48 hours the doc was going to shoot himself, the gang shows up AND the clock runs out. If the doc knew the clock was running out in like a day or two, why shoot himself? DUMB.

      One other thing – won’t these zombies eventually die out because they are hungry with no more brains to eat (see 28 Days Later). If so, shouldn’t the whole point be to get the F outta Dodge (or Atlanta or any other major city) and just wait it out?

      • I don’t think any secrets about the disease itself were whispered, sookeh. It’s probably some plot point- either Lori’s pregnant or he saw Shane and Lori.

        The zombies will not eventually die out due to hunger. They are dead. 28 Days Later was about rabid humans with beating hearts. The Walking Dead is about rotting corpses that don’t even need stomachs to run around and chew on stuff. Their bodies will eventually start decaying, but who knows how long that will take? Scientists, probably. Google “how long does it take for a human body to turn to dirt?”

      • If he hadn’t let the others in and let them use all the power for their cooking and naked shower dances in theory he could have gone on for much longer? right? Maybe?

        also, maybe telling himself that TOMORROW he’s going to kill himself helped to keep him going. Like…Just thinkin’ about Tomorrow clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow?

        ‘Til there’s NOOONE!
        *sing with me now*
        Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I’ll kill myself Tomorrow!
        You’re only a day away!

    • “Tell Merle to swing away.”

    • i hope he didn’t say anything. just gently kissed his ear for 15 seconds. maybe after he said “good. i can check that one off the bucket list.”

    • When Grimes asked him about the blood test the Doctor replied “No surprises”, but he didn’t say they weren’t infected. *SPOILER TIME*

      In the comic it isn’t revealed until much later that everyone is already infected and turns into a zombie when they die, regardless of whether or not they’ve been bitten. The bite kills you but doesn’t necessarily turn you into a zombie I think? There’s no science or explanation of what caused zompocalypse in the comic book. This whole CDC thing isn’t in the comic (I think a few other people already pointed that out), but it would be my guess that the doctor informs Grimes of their infection.

      • awww dude, way to ruin everything. that’s totally what happened – doc fully whispered “you’re all infected sucker!” now i have no reason to watch – other than to see charlie sheen playing himself – a brain eating zombie.

  10. I think the best line of the night was the camera flashing from the countdown timer saying “4:30″ and then cutting to Glenn screaming “THERE’S ONLY FOUR MINUTES LEFT! HURRY”. Thanks for the blatantly expository dialogue, fired writers!

  11. If the troubles today are any indication, the CDC doubled as Tumblr’s headquarters.

  12. Yup, guys, the show will probably be much better written next season now that all the pesky writers are gone. ALL DARABONT ALL THE TIME is the motto of good writing.

    • I for one am hopeful that fresh talent may revitalize the series. I mean, you never know WHERE they might be looking for writers, amirite? Oh, and by the way, this is just something off the top of my head. Really no reason for including it here, really,

      EXT. FORREST – DUSK

      Lori, Grimes, Glenn, and “Carl” are huddled around a fire. The only sound is the crackling of the fire. Grimes looks up to speak, but is silenced by Lori’s intimidating glare.

      GLENN
      You know, I wasn’t sure at first, but ditching asshole Shane and Andrea Zombiehugsalot was a good decision in retrospect.

      Lori tilts her head in acknowledgment. Carl makes a silly face. Grimes opens his mouth to speak but is silenced by Glenn’s intimidating stare.

      “CARL”
      Daddy, please don’t talk. Every time we try one of your ideas, terrible things happen.

      GRIMES
      But-

      LORI
      Oh, for the love of Pete, just sit there and look pretty.

      END SCENE

    • I am starting to suspect Darabont fired them all because he was tired of someone pointing out all the plot holes, like so many holes in zombie heads.

  13. “i worked in the city zoning office. now i want to die in a basement with a stranger. kbye.”

  14. Also – what is up with those bizarre Quizzno’s commercials that kept airing throughout the whole episode? I’d like to know how the ad agency came up with those.

  15. When two axes can’t get the job done, try a chair.

    • Writing Staff: “You mean, like, the chair coming after the already unsuccessful axes is supposed to represent frustration with and naked rage at the situation, and so we should work up to that by using a lot of facial close-ups and really crisp writing detailing the minute struggles these people are having as they try to make any sense whatsoever of their situation? Oh, and we could also show the rest of the characters looking on awkwardly-slash-hopefully, so you can almost see them thinking, ‘Hey, that idea’s just crazy enough to work!’ Like that?”

      Darabont: “Get the fuck out of my office! All of you! Take that mumbo-jumbo over to The Big Bang Theory!”

    • I liked how LOUD it was when the chair hit. I actually said to myself “Oh, well it was a pretty heavy chair at least.”

  16. Wait, time out, where’s Merle?

  17. I don’t really have anything to add, because you pretty much nailed it, Gabe…Classic Gabe, amiright?!

  18. I was really rooting for everyone to get blown up in that very normal, very realistic CDC bunker. Since the show is starting fresh with all new writers, can we also just maybe make it a nice clean slate and have all new characters?

  19. Did anyone else think it was hilarious when Jenner opened the doors and Daryl got all excited like a small part of him thought he was responsible for getting the door open with an axe?

  20. The season premiere was rather perfect – it really captured the solitude and quietness of nearly everyone being dead and/or zombiefied – it also set the stage for good acting – I’m looking at you Morgan – and yes, it had WALT!!!! and Grimes was good in the opener too – the zombie who just wanted her bike back, Morgan’s being torn over sharpshooting his wife, for these reasons and more, the premiere was really, really good.

    That being said, over the next five episodes, it’s seriously gone downhill. Granted, this has been discussed at decent length as the last five episodes have come and gone, but now with the finale being the main (worst) offender, had to pipe up a bit more.

    About the zombie who just wanted her bike back – we learned last night that zombies have no meaningful brain activity – the idea that Grimes, Morgan and others wondered if there was any semblance of a former self buried beneath the zombie is now dead on arrival – I think abandoning this idea so early on really deflates the emotional baggage aspect.

    Other gripes – last night killed it on breaking the ‘show don’t tell’ rule – lots of general questions delivered like they were lines off a script and answered in very simple and easy to understand, yet kinda vague, terms. I can’t stand how sad sack Amy is – always crying or being depressed – I get the sense that somebody has to be feel bad about this, but they pile it on so thick with just her character that each of her scenes feels way too melodramatic.

    In any event, if this series intends on committing to just how dire and hopeless the situation at large seems to be, I can get behind that – could make for many good (better) episodes to come. I have no knowledge or background with the comic, does that matter? I guess not. There’s just something about this series that makes it increasingly hard to take at face value – like the shower scene montage – that was honestly laugh out loud awkward.

    As for finales that GOT IT RIGHT – Boardwalk Empire – excellent, excellent showing.

    • You said “Amy” but I think you meant “Andrea.” Amy was her sister?

    • The more I think about it the more I realize this show got to be bullshit, totally agree. Greatest premiere episode I’ve ever seen, I was so hopeful for it! I give it a little break because they only had 6 episodes, but so much of them were wasted. Like the Vatos episode, go for Merle, no Merle- cool, good use of an hour. Characters have barely been developed at all, so disappointing. I’m glad the writing staff got fired, whether or not that’s fully accurate. This get’s what 9 million viewers or something? And Terriers get’s canceled. buhhhhhhhhhh

  21. Guys get out of the way, I have this fucking chair. Time to do some damage.

  22. Holy Hand Grenade! Apparently mace just wasn’t cutting it.

  23. Yeah, but thumbs up for the “Tomorrow is a Long Place” outro, huh? What a fantastic song.

  24. We were trying to figure out what the tattoo on Shane’s chest said; I thought it was “Lil’ Baby” my brother thought it was “Lil’ Bandit” and my dad thought it was “Lil’ Breast.” Well, my dad’s is the most accurate I think.

  25. I was hoping this first season would be a lot better than how it actually turned out. It was very uneven and had major pacing and character development issues. I have read all the comics, so there were certain beats I was looking forward to if they were going to adapt direct scenarios into the show, and I was surprised when after the first episode the plot deviated WILDLY from the comic with the introduction of new one-beat characters and scenarios, leading to the situation with Merle, the vatos, and then the CDC, all of which were invented for the television series. That’s a double-edged sword for old fans— the new scenarios are completely new, and if they are good then no one minds. But when they are bad, people familiar with the source material can only ask “Why’d you deviate from the comic’s blueprint for this? It was pretty sound.”

    One thing that is a constant in the comic is that PLENTY of characters are introduced and populate the scenes because the body count is so high. The reader is given the impression that no one is safe from death, and people are knocked off constantly. The first six issues (what I thought the first season was going to be adapting) really established this well, with some characters still alive on the tv show already being killed in really messed up ways (MINOR MINOR! CONCEPTUAL SPOILER- I won’t say what exactly happens, but Carl gets to use a gun).

    Now I can see that from a tv producer’s standpoint if there are plenty of blank-slate doomed characters, why not change them into antagonists and plot devices for some original story content, but just like I said before, when it’s bad I’m left asking, “Why didn’t you just do what was in the comic? It was right there for the taking, and instead you’re doing this? Hunh.”

    So the tv show really threw me for a loop with it’s introduction of Merle and his racist-ness, the vatos and their Mexican-standoffishness and later revealed caretaker-ness. And then something I was skeptical about from the get go- How will they subtly develop characters to care about without revealing their hand of who was about to bite the dust? The answer being, they were not able to. The awkwardness of the characters’ development was surprising to me, and every time the had a character moment you could instantly pinpoint a probable death in the near future. Wife-beater doesn’t want to come to dinner? Dead. Andrea’s sister talks on the boat? Dead. And that was about it! There weren’t NEARLY enough deaths in this first season!

    And now Rick Grimes (classic Grimes)- A major theme throughout Rick’s entire experience throughout the comics he appears in (and I’m phrasing it this way to leave his fate ambiguous) is his ever-increasing self-doubt and struggles with his Jack-Shephard-like role as the party’s leader. The world of zombies is a terrifyingly unsafe place to live in, and every time he makes a decision he puts his entire party in terrifying peril and someone dies. And it’s not always the zombies that do someone in. That sounds like a pretty good platform to start from for the series, and I didn’t really see it in this first season. His decisions were more “blanket hero” inspired- There’s a racist handcuffed on the roof! We need to go get Glenn from those vatos! Let’s pack up and go to the CDC because maybe they have a cure except no they don’t! His rescue missions always went fine. They got to the CDC with only one death that he and everyone else knew was going to happen.

    I was hoping to pull through this series anxious for the second season to start, but now I’m much more passive. When it comes out I will coldly see if it draws me in and it recaptures some of the basic concepts I love so much about the comics, and if it doesn’t then I won’t be watching it.

    I think these sentiments are made all the more bitter for me because while I am room temperature at the end of Walking Dead, I was piping hot at the end of Terriers, and now it’s been cancelled. I can’t believe Terriers was FX’s LEAST WATCHED SERIES ever. That’s insane to me. I had high hopes for WD and Terriers, as they both had Shield alums working on them, and the weaker-written show prevailed and gets to move on and HOPEFULLY redeems its first season. Terriers swung for the fences right out of the gate and made their first and only season count SO HARD it’s painful to think there won’t be any more.

    Anyway. That’s my time.

  26. Wow, well you guys, I’d like to address the haters (not really), I enjoyed it so far because zombies. I haven’t read and looked at the pictures of the comic so none of that matters to me and all the better for it, I’m sure, it’s never worth dwelling on that stuff. And I’m very aware that the show is pretty cheesy and ridic but, you know? Zombies? So, I just relax and watch das blinken lights.

    I read World War Z recently, Walking Dead reminds me of it. I read it just after Blood Meridian so stylistically it just seemed juvenile in comparison, I was groaning more than the zombies (geddit?) but I persevered and it was enjoyable, you know, because zombies.

    Television has come a long way in the last 10 to 15 years and I hope we can all be pretty mature about how shows…um…mature. We’ve all seen The Wire right!? 6 episodes is nothing, this definitely has potential. Also: IT WAS FUN

    To sum up: BECAUSE ZOMBIES.

  27. “I don’t think a nail file is gonna cut it!,” said Shane, a very sensitive man who fully understood that women were not only his equals but individual human beings each with their own strengths and weaknesses and who was not at all sexist. He just knew that that short-haired lady loved filing her nails and was always trying to use nail files in grossly inappropriate situations and wanted, reasonably, to stem any attempts to waste time using a nail file to break the windows, which would definitely not work!

  28. I am always tardy for the party, but guys?

    http://knowyourmeme.com/i/000/059/187/original/tumblr_l57d8po2IS1qz51hfo1_400.gif?1279078647

    RIP My interest in The Walking Dead. It was a “fun” 6 episodes with great “Carl” faces, but I think I’ll just start watching Breaking Bad and forget this existed.

    I just want a chance!

  29. No one mentioned how the hatch light kind of awkwardly turned off when they went in. YAY I GET TO MENTION IT! SO, They didn’t do the sensible thing of they walk in and the lights are normal, i guess it was just the contrast of the dark outside that made them so bright. Instead, when they walk in, you see the bright light weirdly turn off. So that must mean the science guy had this whole scenario thought up in his head; “wouldn’t it be awesome if when i open the door for possible desperate survivors, they get bathed with merciful angelic light?”.

  30. I finally watched this last night (earlier I was just talking out of my ass, yay!)

    UGH. I GOT SO DRUNK AFTER.

    I am actually angry that six million people watched this. Terriers got cancelled and then six million people watched THIS.

    I might write a review in the voice of The Smoke Monster from Lost later.

    • clackclackcrankclackclunkclunk-Jack’s tattoo backstory episode was better than this bullshit -clackclackclankclunkclackclack

      (voice of Smokey)

  31. Not enough is being said about the black lady. She was my favorite character because she was at least semi-rational. I remember her speaking her mind about wanting to kill someone who had been infected instead of fighting and arguing, like every other character. I think she also wanted to let Jim go when he felt like he needed to die… instead of HOLDING HIM AGAINST HIS WILL AS HE TURNED INTO A ZOMBIE IN THE VAN (Ahhhh I hate these characters so much!)

    So, she chose DEATH over having to spend another minute with this team of goddamn idiots.

    RIP, BEST CHARACTER: BLACK LADY :(

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