Someone has started a blog featuring covers of Criterion Collection DVDs but for terrible movies. Not featured on the blog: the actual for real Criterion Collection DVD of Armageddon. SOME JOKES ARE BASED IN TRUTHS.

Comments (71)
  1. That Ghost Dad cover is almost too much. Funny story, when I was in first grade, I came across a novelization of Ghost Dad and was traumatized for weeks after reading it. It was only much later that I discovered that this had first been a film, but the book’s dealings with a dead father trapped in purgatory forced to impotently observe the trials and tribulations of his grieving family was probably my first encounter with the weight of mortality and prompted an existential crises for 7 year old LeSigh. Thanks Ghost Dad.

  2. I’m waiting for Midnite Movies to release their double feature of Citizen Kane and La Dolce Vita.

  3. I’m waiting for the Gay Criterions blog.

  4. James Wan’s Schindler’s List is absolutely brutal.

  5. Bing is as incredulous about Armageddon as we are,

  6. I don’t want to get all foreign movies up here but, Armageddon before any Pasolini movies? What? Super ridiculous

  7. As an owner of Several Criterion movies I find it not so different from the truth. They take a movie, put on an artsy cover & charge you a couple more bucks for it.

    • The last part of Chris Trash’s comment somehow got dropped and landed in my inbox, so I’ll repost it here as a favor:

      Oh, and they also work with filmmakers whenever possible while they meticulously and beautifully restore transfers (many of which have been rendered nearly unwatchable by decades of neglect), pay careful attention to each detail of the soundtrack (often matching the original theatrical experience exactly), publish amazing films that are otherwise totally unavailable on any format, jam them full of a mind-boggling amount of thoughtful special features which help to illuminate both the filmmaking process and the films place in the broader cultural landscape and wrap them in gorgeous packaging.

  8. Armageddon before Deep Impact? Blasphemy.

  9. I know a guy in film school who, whenever he makes a new student film, puts a Criterion Collection logo on the DVD cover and distributes it to other film students. People eventually started believing he had DVDs in the Criterion Collection, and he said and did nothing to correct them. I asked him why he did it and he told me it was to “expose the absurdity of the Criterion elite classification”. Mainly it just exposed the absurdity of how big a douche he was.

    • I hope for your sake he doesn’t become famous. I will be forever bitter after the dumbest kid I ever met in High School got drafted to a professional sports team. I end up telling that story a lot….

    • God I hated film school.

      • God I HATE film school.

        • DROP OUT. My film degree did NOTHING on a professional level, you’re much better off just getting an internship or a PA position. You’ll save yourself years of frustration and thousands of dollars.

        • It gets better.

          • Yeah you graduate and take a job in retail to pay your loans off… wait how does it get better?

          • Zzyzx and lesigh, it depends on what type of school you attended. It seems that most try to be breeding grounds for nothing more than directors. They’ll give you a quick run-through of color timing, spend fucking five minutes on source lighting before moving right on to marketing. I’m exaggerating, but schools like USC’s are infamous for this. There’s not enough breathing room for a student to focus on a particular area and thus, you know, actually be really well-versed in said area which increases marketability in an increasingly crowded job market.

            The students don’t help. Everyone now wants to be the next Scorcese or Lynch or Goddard or fucking UGH, Kevin Smith*. So while they go through what is essentially 101 after 101, their ambition or narcissism (depending on your perspective, but it usually ends up as hubris which is my point but I’m getting ahead of myself) leads them to think, “This is awesome. When I’m on the set of my $250m epic or $75k game-changing comedy, I’ll know exactly what to tell the dolly grip!” What they don’t anticipate is they’ll likely end up being a dolly grip at best and have no idea what they’re doing because they had two hours devoted to it in their education and weren’t even paying attention because they were fantasizing about their breakthrough. It’s a self-fueled machine.

            #filmschoolrants

            *People who think they’re going to revolutionize low-budget comedy are BY FAR the most insufferable douchebags you will meet in film school. They’ll rant about how the Tarkovsky fans are so pretentious and full of themselves and then go on a six-minute rant on how comedy is ultimately more transformative than any experimental psychodrama in the most pretentious manner possible. Fuck those assholes.

          • tl;dr. This is EXACTLY why my Twitter account is just kinda sitting there.

          • I’m watching Andrei Rublev now! I know I’m late on the comment but I love the smart film people that gravitated towards the thread! I am but a novice

          • Wait, That One is on twitter? What’s your Twitter account?

          • Haha, you’re awesome, werttrew. I only recently set up an account because a great friend who moved away protected her tweets. Also I thought I might try to get in on some of the VG extracurriculars, but as I said, it’s just kinda sitting there.

            @thatonetwo

          • Yeah I know what you are saying That One. I went to college to avoid film school because I thought it would be a good idea to have a degree to fall back on if my aspirations of starting my own small production company failed, and then ended up being a film major. It was mostly film theory and besides cinematography, the production classes were pretty non-specific; try this try that and master nothing. While studying film I ran into the people you described and only a few cool people that love film and just want to be part of the process, whether a PA or director.

          • As for Kevin Smith, there is a difference between low budget comedy and Kevin Smith comedy. When Clerks came out it was just a different environment and people were willing to watch two Gen X actors complain about their menial dead end jobs while dropping pop culture references. Nowadays pop culture references are the norm and unfortunately professors are too busy trying to reform low budget Taratinos to deal with the Smith wannabes.
            Also if Richard Linklater’s Slacker would have made more of a buzz outside of the festival circuit, we would have wannabe Linklater’s and not wannabe Smith’s.

        • I was kicked out of film school at the end of my second year (for… let’s say, extracurricular activities) and I came straight out to LA to start working. Having a degree is basically a non-issue. Nobody has ever asked me if I have one. The only thing they care about is actual work experience. LeSigh is absolutely right that you’re better off getting an internship or a PA position and working your way in through that. Of course, some of those positions are a dead-end.

          I guess what I’m saying is that there’s a lot of trial and error when you want to start a career in the film/TV biz. Going to film school basically just delays the start of that process.

  10. I bought the Criterion edition of Armageddon. Disc 1 was actually a copy of “2001.” Disc 2 just had a static black screen with the phrase: “get serious,” written in white Helvetica.

  11. POINT BLANK IS NOT A TERRIBLE MOVIE. Goddammit.

  12. Oh my. I meant Point Break. Please excuse my outburst, I was just so angry I couldn’t type correctly.

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