Randy And Evi Quaid

In all the excitement over the BLAHHHLIDAYZ, people almost forgot about Randy and Evi Quaid, Hollywood Refugees. NEVER FORGET! Just as a refresher: Randy and Evi Quaid are two drug-addled mentally unstable people hiding out in Canada to evade criminal charges related to a burglary (A BURGLARY!) and now claiming “refugee status” as they claim to be fleeing a cartel of dangerous criminals who target Hollywood celebrities and seek to steal all of their money by…murdering them? It’s called the perfect crime, look it up. Anyway, Vanity Fair has a profile/interview with Evi and Randy Quaid this month (via ONTD) and wowowowoowowoowow. What a couple of wonderful coconuts. I’ve collected seven amazing quotes from the piece. You’re welcome.

Evi Quaid called from a pay phone in Vancouver to say that she and her husband, Randy, the actor, had tried to drive to Siberia, but they “couldn’t figure out how to get there.”

They tried to drive to Siberia but couldn’t figure it out. OH BOY HERE WE GO. Should have taken the blue pill!

The car smelled of fast food and dog pee and Randy’s cigars. I asked the Quaids if they were living in their car. “Only on nights when we’re too terrified to leave our stuff or don’t feel secure,” Evi said. “We used to have a Mercedes. This whole ordeal has forced us to become incredibly green.”

Wait. They’ve become green because of the experience? Haha. How/why/what? “We used to have a Mercedes, but as you can imagine, ever since we’ve been evading American law enforcement, we’ve taken huge steps towards doing our part for the environment.” No sure. If anything it makes TOO much sense?

“Priuses are deceptively roomy,” drawled Randy, who’s originally from Houston. “We’re tall people, and the legroom is important.”

Priuses are DECEPTIVELY roomy. Everything is a conspiracy with this guy!

“They’re hunting us,” Evi said. “It’s really happening. They’ve got us in a spiral. ‘Don’t let up on ’em. Drive ’em off the road. Starve ’em to death.’ ” She was slapping her hands together for emphasis. “ ‘Pull their money out of their bank accounts.’ ”

Nope. No one has ever said in reference to Randy and Evi Quaid, “drive ‘em off the road.” No one not never. Also, I don’t think Evi Quaid understands how bank accounts work? Like, the root of half of their problems might be simple confusion over the modern banking system. The other half, of course, being drugs and mental illness.

“I guess I’m worth more to ’em dead than alive,” Randy said mildly.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. GOOD ONE, RANDY QUAID!

“They”—the aforementioned Hollywood Star Whackers—“decide, O.K., if we knock off David [Carradine], then what we can do is simply collect the insurance covering his participation in the television show he was working on overseas,” Evi said. “It’s almost moronic, it’s so simple.”

Again: pretty sure Evi Quaid is VERY CONFUSED about how insurance works. “If only I hadn’t signed this insurance agreement that guarantees that in the event of my death, the money will go to whoever killed me.” Also: I will never stop laughing at Hollywood Star Whackers. Never. Never. I also like that there is an international crime syndicate targeting Hollywood celebrities and they started with DAVID CARRADINE before moving on to RANDY AND EVI QUAID. If you’re really going to do this, Hollywood Star Whackers, maybe you should AIM HIGHER.

She said she also suspected Jeremy Piven’s falling ill from mercury poisoning was another sign of a dastardly plot by the Broadway producers of Speed-the-Plow to collect insurance money. “It was an orchestrated hit,” she said. “They could have put mescaline in his water bottle.”

:) :) :)

“They could have put mescaline in his water bottle. They didn’t, but that’s just one of the things they could have done. What if, now stay with me here, but just imagine that they broke into his apartment at night and rubbed cocaine on his eyelids. Or injected pepper into his toothpaste. Again, this didn’t happen, but you start to see what these people are capable of.” Amazing. Rest your case, Evi Quaid!

Really hope there is a new Randy and Evi Quaid profile every month. I could listen to them explain how the phone book is out to kill them.

Comments (56)
  1. Cocaine eyelids are serious business, you guys.

  2. Obviously Randy and Evi are treating us all to an immersive Tony-and-Tina’s-Wedding-style performance of Bug:

  3. This is what happens when you do Vanity Fair interviews on Opposite Day.

  4. “She believed Randy’s mail was actually being rerouted into a phony probate file set up by the Hollywood Star Whackers in the name of ‘Ronda L. Quaid’”.

    Okay, now they’re just cribbing from the plot of Donna Darko.

  5. Mescaline? What if the bad guys spike their food with Quaid-luudes?

    Wow, I can hear you guys laughing from here.

  6. Someone needs to tell Randy and Evi it’s the Holiday Road that leads to Siberia. You’re welcome.

  7. As someone with some…eccentric branches in my family tree, I think I can feel Dennis Quaid’s pain.

    That said, it is MUCH funnier when it happens to someone else.

  8. “All we’re saying is, if you find us dead from accidental auto-erotic asphyxiation, we had absolutely NOTHING to do with it”

  9. Man this was totally worth taking a break from watching the return of Primeval to BBC America

  10. This is ridiculous! Jeremy Piven doesn’t need anyone to put mescaline in his water bottle for him. He is a major hollywood actor. He can do it himself.

    • Actually, I think major Hollywood actors hire people to purchase their mescaline and place it in water bottles for them according to their own personal specifications. Andy Dick had a show about this on the MTV.

  11. “Good God! I’ve been sayin’ it. I’ve been sayin’ it for ten damn years. Ain’t I been sayin’ it, [Evi]? Yeah, I’ve been sayin’ it.”

    #IndependenceDayPrescientQuotes

  12. That insurance thing isn’t TOO far fetched. I read a case where some guys helped another guy open a bar or something, but as collateral on the business they had him take out a life insurance policy naming them as the beneficiaries. Fast forward to the failure of the bar and his widow sued about the life insurance proceeds.

  13. This makes sense. For years, Hollywood has been controlled by a secret cabal made up of Tom Bosley, Tony Curtis, Leslie Nielsen, Randy Quaid, Jeremy Piven and the Fainting Goat Kittens. Someone is trying to orchestrate a massive power shift by picking off the major players. We are through the looking glass here, people! Run, Randy, run!

  14. Now I know how the fans of John Lennon felt when they saw him doing bed-ins with Yoko.

  15. what a funny comedy man.

  16. “This all makes a lot of sense.” -Jeremy Piven

  17. Whenever I see a post about these two, I always momentarily misread “Evi” Quaid as “Evil” Quaid.

    I think she’s in on the plot, Randy!

  18. Does Casey Affleck write these for them or are they ad-libbed?

  19. Canada v. America = Cute Kitten. Greatest equation ever.

  20. Sounds like The Walking Dead just found 2 new writers.

  21. “Driving to Siberia” is like the “jumping the shark” of real life.

    Consider this one entered into my personal lexicon.

  22. I’ve been wondering my Evi Quaid has been down by 10% on IMDB. You saved me sixteen bucks, thanks Gabe!

  23. “Hollywood Whackers”, sounds like the title of Vivid’s next porno.

  24. While there are a lot of gems in the article (that photo? Really? “a device for measuring anorectal functioning”), this is my favorite, BY FAR: “Then came the arrests and the couple’s bizarre appearances at various court dates:..Evi…had a “valid credit card” affixed to her forehead.”

    Because if you’re going to affix a credit card to your forehead, you want to ensure that it’s VALID.

  25. The Quaid’s certainly are taking that spiral and turning it into a modern interpretive dance of success.

  26. i think here is about where they figured out they weren’t going the right way…

  27. “The allegations in the aborted lawsuit—none of which an investigation by VANITY FAIR found to have had any merit whatsoever—all begin with a house Randy and Evi bought in Montecito…”

    Good thing Vanity Fair only hires the best celebrity journalists / legal experts to write profiles on crazy people and judge the legal merits of their cases. Dismissed!

  28. “It’s almost moronic, it’s so simple.”

    This is how I’m going to end (win) all my arguments from now on.

  29. “RANDY QUAID MUSEUM.” That is my christmas gift to you, monsters.

  30. SETTING: A shady bar, McMadgen’s, in MILFORD, DELAWARE. In the shadiest (THE SHADIEST) of corners, ALVIN GREENE, CHRISTINE O’DONNELL, RANDY and EVI QUAID, and MEL GIBSON are huddled around a shabby table, nursing AMSTEL LIGHTS.

    RANDY: EVI and I have continued our domination of the VIDEOGUM headlines with today’s story. Our plant, GABE, has already generated over 40 comments in the last 15 minutes, along with 15 (airquotes) “Shares” and 8 “retweets.”

    MEL GIBSON: How about Google BUZZ’s?

    CHRISTINE O’DONNEL: What even is that?

    EVI: Shut up, PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL. The point is, the last time any of you has graced Videogum, “HIDE YO WIFE, HIDE YO KIDS” was still a thing.

    ALVIN GREENE: I was just on yesterday, threatening to kill a soundboard of myself!

    RANDY: Wow, that was you? Incredible. Would that I had even a small portion of your talent. You’ve earned yourself a ride in my Prius.

  31. i just saw that movie “bug” – this story is remarkably similar…

    SPOILERS – perhaps evi quaid is the SUPER MOTHER BUG!

  32. I smell a new VG feature… What’s Up With Randy & Evi Quaid?

  33. at least no one’s forced them to smoke crack at gun point…YET.

  34. Randy Quaid saw Men in Black on his combo DVD/TV and now he’s getting all his information from the Enquirer.

  35. Am I the only one who wants to hunt them down, murder them, and then leave post-it notes on their dead bodies that says “The Hollywood Star Whackers Strike AGAIN!”? Oops, and then obviously i would steal their insurance money, as they’re worth slightly more to me dead than alive (their value in comedy GOLD is strikingly high…)

    • No, because I still love crazy old Randy Quaid. But it would be cool to set up a secret cabal dedicated to leaving evidence of the existence of the Hollywood Star Whackers around LA and Canada for various journalists to find.

  36. I’m glad you get it Gabe!
    sometimes, when the mood stikes me, I like to go volunteer on the psych ward at the ol’ local hospital and laugh right in the face of those delusional bastards!!!!
    “You shouldn’t do that, they’ve been diagnosed and are mentally ill”
    “diagnosed as crazy STUPID fools!”

    I always thank them though. God, life is funny.

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