In all the excitement over the BLAHHHLIDAYZ, people almost forgot about Randy and Evi Quaid, Hollywood Refugees. NEVER FORGET! Just as a refresher: Randy and Evi Quaid are two drug-addled mentally unstable people hiding out in Canada to evade criminal charges related to a burglary (A BURGLARY!) and now claiming “refugee status” as they claim to be fleeing a cartel of dangerous criminals who target Hollywood celebrities and seek to steal all of their money by…murdering them? It’s called the perfect crime, look it up. Anyway, Vanity Fair has a profile/interview with Evi and Randy Quaid this month (via ONTD) and wowowowoowowoowow. What a couple of wonderful coconuts. I’ve collected seven amazing quotes from the piece. You’re welcome.
Evi Quaid called from a pay phone in Vancouver to say that she and her husband, Randy, the actor, had tried to drive to Siberia, but they “couldn’t figure out how to get there.”
They tried to drive to Siberia but couldn’t figure it out. OH BOY HERE WE GO. Should have taken the blue pill!
The car smelled of fast food and dog pee and Randy’s cigars. I asked the Quaids if they were living in their car. “Only on nights when we’re too terrified to leave our stuff or don’t feel secure,” Evi said. “We used to have a Mercedes. This whole ordeal has forced us to become incredibly green.”
Wait. They’ve become green because of the experience? Haha. How/why/what? “We used to have a Mercedes, but as you can imagine, ever since we’ve been evading American law enforcement, we’ve taken huge steps towards doing our part for the environment.” No sure. If anything it makes TOO much sense?
“Priuses are deceptively roomy,” drawled Randy, who’s originally from Houston. “We’re tall people, and the legroom is important.”
Priuses are DECEPTIVELY roomy. Everything is a conspiracy with this guy!
“They’re hunting us,” Evi said. “It’s really happening. They’ve got us in a spiral. ‘Don’t let up on ’em. Drive ’em off the road. Starve ’em to death.’ ” She was slapping her hands together for emphasis. “ ‘Pull their money out of their bank accounts.’ ”
Nope. No one has ever said in reference to Randy and Evi Quaid, “drive ‘em off the road.” No one not never. Also, I don’t think Evi Quaid understands how bank accounts work? Like, the root of half of their problems might be simple confusion over the modern banking system. The other half, of course, being drugs and mental illness.
“I guess I’m worth more to ’em dead than alive,” Randy said mildly.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. GOOD ONE, RANDY QUAID!
“They”—the aforementioned Hollywood Star Whackers—“decide, O.K., if we knock off David [Carradine], then what we can do is simply collect the insurance covering his participation in the television show he was working on overseas,” Evi said. “It’s almost moronic, it’s so simple.”
Again: pretty sure Evi Quaid is VERY CONFUSED about how insurance works. “If only I hadn’t signed this insurance agreement that guarantees that in the event of my death, the money will go to whoever killed me.” Also: I will never stop laughing at Hollywood Star Whackers. Never. Never. I also like that there is an international crime syndicate targeting Hollywood celebrities and they started with DAVID CARRADINE before moving on to RANDY AND EVI QUAID. If you’re really going to do this, Hollywood Star Whackers, maybe you should AIM HIGHER.
She said she also suspected Jeremy Piven’s falling ill from mercury poisoning was another sign of a dastardly plot by the Broadway producers of Speed-the-Plow to collect insurance money. “It was an orchestrated hit,” she said. “They could have put mescaline in his water bottle.”
“They could have put mescaline in his water bottle. They didn’t, but that’s just one of the things they could have done. What if, now stay with me here, but just imagine that they broke into his apartment at night and rubbed cocaine on his eyelids. Or injected pepper into his toothpaste. Again, this didn’t happen, but you start to see what these people are capable of.” Amazing. Rest your case, Evi Quaid!
Really hope there is a new Randy and Evi Quaid profile every month. I could listen to them explain how the phone book is out to kill them.