Videogum declared a moratorium on Juggalo news this summer after Insane Clown Posse fans threw feces on Tila Tequila because ENOUGH. At a certain point, it stops being fun to laugh at assholes when they’re reminding you super hard what assholes they are. For the most part, that moratorium will remain in place, because on top of not wanting to support and publicize the disreputable behavior of racist, misogynist, anti-Semitic homophobes, it was also just getting boring. Yes, we know, CLOWN MAKEUP! That shit was wearing off in the metaphorical rain of our over-attention. Team maggots! But it’s Christmastime, and that is a time for coming together. It is also a time for hedging a little bit on your moratoriums if it means getting to post another truly INCREDIBLE Juggalo HQ greenscreen 9-minute infomercial featuring Sugar Slam. (Just in general, I feel like Sugar Slam News doesn’t really count as Juggalo News because Sugar Slam News is THE BEST NEWS.)

This year, Sugar Slam reminds us all that we’ve got to think about the fucking kids.

Aww. As they always say, it’s the thought that counts, and the thought in this case is “the shit has still got to be worth at least five bucks, with the tags, fags.” HAPPY HOLIDAYS, MY NINJAS. (Via @bigviolentj.)

Comments (91)
  1. God bless us all, everyone. Except the juggalos.

  2. I literally do not understand anything going on in this video at all.

    • Well, Mom, it’s like this: there is this band, called “Insane Clown Posse,” and they make terrible music and have terrible fans called “juggalos.” The band makes no sense, the fans make no sense, and this video also makes no sense so don’t feel bad because it’s nothing to do with getting older and you still look great and remember I want CASH this year, not fucking gift certificates. Love you.

  3. Juggahohoho!

  4. If I learned anything from the list of ICP holiday songs, it is that the psychopathic family likes puns as much, if not more, as Baby Friday.

  5. God bless us, every broke-ass ninja.

  6. Recently my back right window wouldn’t roll down. At no point did I consider suicide as a viable option for fixing it. I suppose it may have been a different situation entirely if it was my back left window.

  7. Cigarettes: An important part of the Juggalo wrestling training regimen.

  8. I foresee magnets in the stockings of some fucking kids.

  9. This is so long.

  10. The Gift of the Magi
    by Violent O. Henry

    So there were these two ninjas. Got me. This one real fine bitch with long fucking hair that she had dyed all these different fucking colors. And so she was shacked up with this one motherfucker who fucking killed it on the XboX. They were really fucking happy, what with all the weed and meth and Faygo and waking up in their own vomit after a wild night of Faygo induced bumpin on a nedden hole.

    So but okay see, the guy, this ninja lost his fucking job at Food Lion where he worked in the dairy because he tried to push a pallet of milk jugs over on the manager. But the manager looked like a fucking fag or some shit and always gave him shit about coming to work on time and shit so the fucker deserved it.

    But shit, get this, his juggalette also lost her job. She worked at the fireplace/video rental place out near the highway. They fired her for no reason just because the place burned down after she left a blunt going on the counter top or something. Totally fucking bullshit.

    But so Christmas or some shit came up and they were sad because they loved each other, or I don’t know whatever that feeling in your dong is, and so they really wanted to get some nice shit for each other, but they didn’t fucking have any fucking money and the dude’s mom wouldn’t give him no more because he spent the last money she gave him on weed rather than formula for the baby.

    Oh, they also have a baby. I am so fucking stoned, I forgot to mention it. Damn, where did I put it. Fuck it, I am sure the baby is fine.

    Anyway, so like, the girl got real drunk and passed out and he guy shaved her head and sold her hair to a clown wig maker and took the money and bought the new fucking Call of Duty game for his XboX. She didn’t notice because she was hung over the next morning and her scalp always felt like it had ants on it. While he was in the bathroom taking a dump, she took his XboX and sold it at the pawn show and bought some hair dye so she could get it looking good for the Winter Gathering in Orlando.

    Well, after she did that, she tried to dye her air and realized she didn’t have any and then he came out of the bathroom, or something, and realized that his XboX was gone.

    They realized what they had done and how they’d been able to give each other the greatest gift of all and decided to just burn the apartment building down.

    I still don’t know what happened to the baby.

  11. Whoops Joe Mande, that’s your next Taking One for the Team challenge

  12. You are welcome, for giving a fuck.

  13. yikes
    here’s the logic:

    yeahhhhh you really should get drunk as fuck and BLEW-OUT (?) everyone. that’s awesome!

    but – did you know? – the suicide rate more than DOUBLES at this time of year??? (YES IT DOES BITCH! SUICIDE DOUBLES BITCHES! OVER THE EDGE MOTHERFUCKER!)

    and it’s cause the window don’t roll up and cause KIDS WANT MAD SHIT!

  14. Other email addresses at Psychopathic Records:


  15. For all its faults, this video has a more cohesive plot and conveys the spirit of X-mas better than Love, Actually.

  16. I was most upset about the use of Michael Jackon’s image in this video around 5:40. Not cool, Juggalos.

    • I was more confused than upset, were you saying you want to have sex with the kids? I will not support a toy drive where the kids are raped

  17. These are terrible pirate impressions. “Kids be needin’ nuclear nerf guns, yarrr”

  18. For every little and big ninja:

  19. Your move monsters, give a fuck.

  20. I’ve never felt more emotionally touched by someone telling me not to be a dick.

  21. My new return policy is NO TAGS FAGS!

  22. Sugar Slams makeup looks like someone rubbed dirt on her cheeks.

  23. am i alone in thinking this is awesome? “lets give a shit” should be our new national strategy towards poverty, my ninjas.

  24. I prefer Die Antwoord for my Ninja music.

  25. Sugar Slam was way cuter when they didn’t do close-ups.

  26. Sugar Slam is oddly appealing because her pronunciation seems just a little too correct for a juggalo. Like she comes from a better place but has made some unfortunate life choices and does not really understand what she is saying anymore. She is out of place, lost and confused and the primal man in me just wants to rescue her.

    But then I am reminded of the fact that she is the mother of Violent J’s children, and I think she is beyond all hope.

    • Exactly this. I want to give her a De La Soul album and some Vimto and show her that things can be different and great.

    • oh, what? sugar slam and violent j are (or were) a thing? weird.

      I also kind of always figured she was not really into it all. I figured she was an aspiring actress they found somewhere and was getting paid just enough and was just waiting out the recession to get a less embarrassing position somewhere else in the world.

      nope though? she had kids with the fat guy who sings ‘santa is a fat bitch?’

      well, ok. sorry to know that sugar slam.

      • yeah I am embarrassed to know this info, but according to Violent J’s wikipedia page:

        [violent j] ” has a longtime girlfriend named Michelle Rapp (aka Sugar Slam) with whom he’s had two children; a son named Joseph “JJ” Bruce II who was born on January 7, 2005, and a daughter named Ruby Bruce who was born December 1, 2006″

        insert Ruby gif here.

  27. Since I was so lame yesterday I will now raise everygirl on this site’s self esteem. And don’t let the first Juggalette fool you. I’d hit it drunk style but she’s clearly being paid by Faygo. The rest will make you girls love the mirror.

    Oh but NSFW. Which is important cause a troll would’ve just sent you there.

  28. I could not drink enough faygo for number 4

  29. For me, it just wouldn’t be the holidays without these things….

    Getting drunk as FUCK!!
    And blew out?

    Juggalos just get me…

  30. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. It’s shit like this that makes me proud to be an American.

  31. i think there’s something wrong with me, i didn’t hate any of the songs they sampled, and one of them made me dance in my chair a little bit? apparently waving a cigarette in my face and repeatedly shouting the word “hatchet” is a good way to convince me something is worth my time and money.

  32. I’m going to mix in some Holiday Heat when I go a-caroling.

  33. And if you order now the Professor with bathe you for FREE!!!!!!!!

  34. You guys, let’s give a fuck!

  35. If you watch the whole fucking thing you literally become numb to the fucking F-word. It loses all its motherfucking power. Fucking true.

  36. THIS VIDEO IS COMPLETELY INSANE. It’s like they’re in on the joke now.


    I’ll say this: Good for them. They may be gross and awful, but atleast they’re trying to do something nice.

    • That’s what’s become more delightful about them as time’s passed. They seeeeeeem to be self-aware, what with the even more overblown narration and near constant profanity, yet for all the alleged self-awareness, they continue to be everything that they are, only more so.

      Are they doing it for themselves? For our amusement? Trying to prove a point?

      Fucking fourth wall of internet memes, how does it work?

  37. Wow, so there was a lot going on right there, so all I’m gonna add is WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKIN’ KIDS?!?!?! (priceless)

  38. man, sugar slam! use less of the budget on your makeup and shitty graphics and more of it on DENTAL WORK for those poor guys.

    “do you want me to wear your used ass underwear on my face?”
    jesus christ.

  39. Is it actually official that she is the trashiest person in the world, or is this title just implied?

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