We have talked a few times in the past couple of months about the difficulty in finding something new to say about love, because of what a well-worn topic it is (perhaps the wellest worn?) but also our insatiable hunger for someone to say something new about because the truth is, love is kind of a big deal? (“Love is kind of a big deal” — my tombstone. 1933-2012.) I am no different! I’ve made it very publicly known that I love romantic comedies. I am weirdly looking VERY forward to this fucking thing? The problem with these things, though, is not just that they are so often bad, but that the ways in which they are bad are disappointing and insulting in a fundamental way that is altogether more painful to support than a bad, say, action movie. Like, if Jason Statham delivers a lackluster roundhouse to the face (not that he WOULD), you can still leave the theater with your head held high, but if you see someone making a money-grabby mockery out of a pretty basic human experience that we all spend a lot of time pursuing and enjoying and losing and rediscovering and thinking about and dissecting and listening to songs about and whatever, it’s a deeper frustration. It is like rubbing salt in a wound, except that instead of salt, it’s hackneyed meet cutes and stuffy, bloodless dialog. Bloodless dialog! In a movie about love! That stuff should be very bloody! Oh no!

When Love Actually begins, there is that briefest moment in which you carry the hope that maybe this movie will not be so bad, or maybe even good, at the very least perhaps it will do no harm, and then the dude is like “after the attacks on 9/11″ and you’re just like, “Ah. Fuck.”

Love Actually is an examination of all the ways people fall in and out of love that takes place within a comically short span of, like, three weeks. Seriously, I don’t have the time or patience to actually figure out what the timeline for this movie is, but it starts around Christmastime and ends around New Year’s and within that window everyone falls in love and out of love, like, 10 times. It starts at Keira Knightly’s funeral to Chiwetel Ejiofor. Well, actually, it starts at Heathrow Airport, because according to Richard Curtis, who wrote and directed the movie, love is a lot like an arrivals terminal at an airport? HUH? No it’s not. Oh, you mean, it’s boring and poorly lit and you just want to get the hell out of there? Shut up, Richard Curtis. Anyway, Keira Knightly’s getting married! Colin Firth is there because he’s friends with her and her new husband, I guess, not that they ever develop that relationship. As we will see, almost none of the relationships are particularly well explained other than the fact that they all seem to bring everyone to the same locations on a regular basis (airports, weddings, school plays). Oh, Colin Firth’s wife isn’t there because she is home sick, but she’s not actually sick, she is having an affair with Colin Firth’s brother. WAIT, AGAIN, WHAT? Like, if you’re going to have an affair, go ahead, but do you seriously need to fake sick to get out of a WEDDING between two people who (presumably, we’ll never know) have been to your house for dinner on a regular basis, just so that you can GET IT WET? Good grief. Well, you’re better off without her, Colin Firth. He, of course, retreats to his Portuguese villa because being white is hard. While he’s there, he falls in love with his non-English speaking maid. Hopefully he takes some time to sit and think if perhaps the reason he’s falling in love with this woman with whom he cannot even hold a conversation is just a desperate attempt to repair the violent hole that has been torn in his heart and life by his wife’s betrayal. Nope! He just takes Berlitz language classes (for two weeks) and proposes to her! This movie really gets at the heart of human emotions!

MEANWHILE: Hugh Grant is the new Prime Minster of England. He immediately falls in love with his housekeeper, too. WHAT IS IT WITH THESE MEN AND THEIR HOUSEKEEPERS?! But, like, literally, he walks into 10 Downing Street for the very first time ever and is already making eyes at the help.

Relax, your highness. He basically starts a war with the United States, ending decades of important alliances, because he’s jealous that the President kissed her, or something. Ugh. Eventually, of course, he fires her, but then also decides he loves her (based on a three sentence long holiday card?) and ends up kissing her at a school play, because politics. (Also at the play: everyone in the movie. Very popular school play!) The prime minster’s sister, Emma Thompson, is married to a magazine editor (or SOMETHING, it’s actually impossible to tell what it is. The office is VERY web 2003.0, though.) whose secretary is flirting with him something awful. She really wants to fuck him! He eventually decides that maybe he will fuck her, but at the very least he will buy her some jewelry from Mr. Bean.

Does he buy this jewelry at his leisure? As a sophisticated man at the head of a successful business, with a wife and children and years of experience behind him, does he decide to use his discretion? No. He tromps up to the jewelry counter during the 30 seconds that his wife is in the loo. Oh good grief. Is that how you boys do it over there? Emma Thompson finds the locket in his coat pocket (classic thing that’s always happening) and expects it for Christmas only to get a CD instead! Now she knows that he’s being unfaithful. Better wait until THE SCHOOL PLAY to tell him. Also at the school play: Liam Neeson. You see, Liam Neeson’s wife just died and now he has sole custody of his stepson. At first, he thinks that his stepson is depressed because his mom died, but in fact he is depressed because HE IS IN LOVE. Oh brother. (And again, perhaps Liam Neeson or a trained child psychologist should wonder if this young boy’s transference of all his emotional intensity onto a pre-pubescent object of affection isn’t just a wayward attempt to delay the inevitable absorption of crushing grief over his mother’s death? Just kidding. Let’s re-enact the scene from Titanic like a step-father and step-son should!)

NOPE! JAIL!

The little boy decides that he will win his girl’s heart if he learns to play drums and backs her up at the Christmas show. So, he learns drums. In two weeks. FACT: it takes as long to learn how to play the drums as it does to become mildly fluent in Portuguese! After the show, the little boy is upset because he still doesn’t think the girl even knows who he is, which is when Liam Neeson gets the very dramatic idea of following her to the airport, and then, when they are not allowed through due to heightened security because of 9/11 (NEVER FORGET) of having his son LEAD THE POLICE ON A WILD GOOSE CHASE. Almost too good of a parent, Liam Neeson is. (Really wish the police had just shot the boy dead. LOL!) Oh, but here is the thing, so the boy catches up to her and tells her how he feels and doesn’t get shot in the face with a rubber bullet or anything, and the girl even comes all the way from her gate back through security (without her parents?) to give him a kiss on the cheek (violating dozens of international travel safety measures, I’m sure) and then we fade to black and discover SHE WAS ONLY LEAVING FOR THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY AND IS COMING BACK TO ENGLAND IN TWO WEEKS. So, the whole thing was really unnecessary. Just like everything in this stupid garbage dump of a movie.

There’s also this whole terrible, boring plot about some awful aging pop singer that I’m not even going to get into other than to point out that at the end he has some stupid revelation where he decides that he’d rather hang out with his poor schlubby manager rather than go to a party at Elton John’s house (sure) and I’d just like to point out that managers of rock and roll bands tend to make decent money if their client is successful, and are ALSO invited to parties at Elton John’s house, so, no.

Hi, Martin Freeman!

As a favor to Martin Freeman, I’m not going to pretend like he’s not in this movie. YOU’RE WELCOME, MARTIN FREEMAN! The same goes for you, Laura Linney. Make better choices, please!

The most unrealistic plotline of the whole movie is about this guy who is not having any sex luck in England so he decides he’s going to come to America in the middle of winter to Wisconsin and just fuck everything, and obviously it’s such a terrible idea and so misguided and ridiculous and everyone’s like “that is misguided and ridiculous” but then he tells the taxi to just take him to a random bar and he immediately gets so laid. So in reality, it’s actually the least offensive of the unrealistic plotlines because at least it admits its unrealistic. Everything else tries to hide this fact in layer upon layer of candy-cane scented barf.

Easter egg for the January Jones superfans:

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT HOW GRIMES IS KEIRA KNIGHTLY’S HUSBAND’S BEST FRIEND, BUT ALSO BASICALLY WAITS UNTIL AFTER THEIR WEDDING TO TELL HER THAT HE LOVES HER.

VERY COOOL, GRIMES. NOT THAT IT MATTERS. NOTHING EVER HAPPENS WITH THAT PLOT, THEY JUST SORT OF IGNORE IT. THEY ALSO NEVER TELL US WHETHER OR NOT ALAN RICKMAN SLEEPS WITH HIS ASSISTANT AND AT THE END OF THE MOVIE HE RETURNS TO THE AIRPORT FROM…WHO KNOWS WHERE…AND HIS FAMILY IS WAITING FOR HIM BUT HE DOESN’T SAY WHERE HE WENT DURING THE HOLIDAYS WITHOUT THEM?

This thing is fucking EXHAUSTING. I recognize that this week’s write up was mostly just a synopsis, but I do think that I have made my general point which is barf barf yuck barf fart yuck barf. I want a nap for Christmas!

Next week: Jingle All the Way.

Comments (227)
  1. This is a sweet and funny movie about how sometimes love is a fairytale but more importantly about how sometimes it is not. We are all so right to hate it.

    • I thought that was Taylor Swift’s job

        • Can I just take a moment to tell everyone that I hate Taylor Swift so much?

          I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT SO MUCH!

          Why does everyone like her? Someone explain it to me, please.

          • She’s pretty?

          • I know right? As a high school aged guy, I’m surronded by girls who absolutely love her music. They constantly go on about how amazing her music is and how great her lyrics are. But really, she’s the worst! I tell them all to listen to Neko Case instead… Doesn’t really work though.

          • The saddest part is that she is 20 years old, dating Jake Gyllenhaal, and should be somewhat through with Diary-writing-in-like-song-writing by this point.

            Not swift.

          • I feel like someone who is 20 dating a 29 year old would not in all circumstances be weird. But she has such a little-girl image, which she’s worked really really hard to cultivate, and so it just feels like we should be telling Jake Gyllenhaal to go to jail

          • Thank you, cindilightballoon. My opinion of Jake has been brought into question by his choice to date her. It seems really creepy considering that he’s almost 30 and she comes across like a 15 year old. Maybe 17, tops. Even Hayden Pannablahblah and Milo Ventimiglia made more sense than these two.

          • She is so bad at singing, which is ostensibly her job! But she is very good at her actual job, which is Being A Famous.

            I don’t know if the Jake Gyllenhaal thing is real. I’m beginning to think Jake is into some weird Troy McClure type thing, and all his relationships are PR cover. (I guess Reese Witherspoon would be Selma in this scenario.)

          • Drew Magary at Deadspin had some great thoughts about Taylor Swift yesterday. Namely, she needs to stop.

          • Blahmanda, I feel the same way! I’m not sure why, but I imagine his manager arranging all these relationships with wholesome blonde women as a cover up for something bizarre. Maybe I think about 30 Rock too much.

            Man I hope I did that right.

        • “She’s NOT pretty.” – Me, my boyfriend, everyone I know, and even, Steve Winwood. Probably.

        • So when i marry Taylor Swift sometime next year (and am subsequently set for life) i’m going to make her dress up like that for our wedding night, then my fetish will finally be satisfied.

  2. YUP, THIS movie is PRETTY SHITTY. IF you wanna TALK ABOUT SOMETHING that’s not shitty, don’t MISS BABY FRIDAY’S EXCELLENT Bookgum write up on NEVER LET ME GO! IT’S ABOUT possession and SHIT. And make sure TO CHECK IN ALL WEEK with more updates FROM VARIOUS MONSTERS.

    http://bookgum.wordpress.com/

    (APOLOGIES TO anyone who hates me PIMPING THIS link, but have YOU READ THOSE fucking write ups? No? Well then FUCK YOU for complaigning because they ARE SO GOOD and not everyone USES TWITTER AND Facebook).

    Also, I SAW THE Family Stone AND FUCK THAT SHIT. HOLIDAY movies that DON’T INVOLVE MUPPETS fucking blow.

  3. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  4. Don’t have anything to say besides I snorted what was probably confetti out my nose at that last sentence.

  5. I love this movie. It may be cheesy and bad, but COME ON. I’ll watch it whenever it’s on and I’ll love it when Hugh Grant dances around in his underwear and I’ll get all teary eyed when Emma Thompson is crying and listening to Joni Mitchell and Laura Linney’s plot line will just break my heart every time and then I’ll be happy again because “Just in cases.”

    Again, I love this movie.

  6. Sometimes you’re in an airport and you want a Cinnabon, even though you know it is bad for you, so either you get it and you feel shitty for the next 2-4 hours or you don’t, and instead get a salad which you feel good about. However, you’ll always wonder what that Cinnabon would have tasted like, so you get angry at the salad and lash out at it for no reason.

    In conclusion, love is exactly like an airport.

  7. Another impressive entry into January Jones’ resume of superb acting.

    But I did always like this movie even with its super side of cheese. And I hate hate hate the wedding scene in the start with all the stupid singing. But I have a Colin Firth weakness so I have always overlooked the obvious shite in the rest of the movie.

    And that scene with Emma T crying on christmas day always breaks my heart.

  8. See this is what I don’t get. This movie is like a gazillion times better than that one where Aston Kucher plays the florist. Like, Love Actually may actually get you laid at Christmas, but that other clownshoes movie is like instant suicide.

    • Correct me if I’m wrong here everybody, but I believe even though the WMOAT this month is called “Holiday Movies,” everyone seemed to have interpreted it as Thanksgiving-Christmas-type holiday films, and I don’t think I saw a single holiday film nominated that wasn’t one about these two-month’s worth of holidays last time I checked the thread.

      So even though Valentine’s Day may be worse than Love Actually, Valentine’s Day was not nominated in the nominations thread, because everybody basically went with Christmas movies.

      • Valentine’s day deserves its own very special WMOAT.

        I nominate Valentine (2001) starring David Bonesreanaz. I recently purchased it for $4. It involves David Bonesreanaz being a huge creep and sending girls maggot-filled chocolates.

  9. Awfully critical of someone who falls in love with a girl who doesn’t speak his language for a guy who just needs to ask Freida Pinto something real quick, aren’t we, Gabe?

  10. Everyone in this film is The Worst. Grimes, making a move on your best friend’s fiancée is a douchey move. I hope he sicked some zombies on you. The worst bit is Emma Thompson having absolutely no self worth at all, brushing off the fact that she knows her German terrorist husband was doing his best to wet his whistle, mid-life crisis style with a colleague and going on with Christmas day like nothing happened.

  11. I can’t believe you didn’t mention the two best moments of the movie: Grimes’s very important dramatic sweater zip and Emma Thompson’s Joni Mitchel Frisco-freakout. This movie burnt my cockles.

  12. Awww but… this was cute!

  13. Yeah I liked this one. I believe the Alan Rickman plot is tied up a little when you see the (very hot) secretary trying on her new necklace in the mirror. That implies the necklace was given to her, presumably in some pre- or post-coital bliss.

  14. I don’t hate this movie, but I do hate the fact that Hugh Grant’s role was clearly written for someone older (he’s supposed to be Emma T’s older brother and there are multiple mentions of how old he is) and no one bothered to make some very basic script revisions.

    Get it together, England.

    • While Hugh Grant is very dreamy, he is only a year younger than Emma Thompson, so it’s not completely unrealistic that he could play her older brother. But of course, that would be an easy detail to change in the script.

      Ok, defense jumping related to how some people thought that Emma Thompson was too old to play a love interest to Hugh Grant in Sense and Sensibility over.

  15. Don’t care what anyone says, I loved this movie. And Keira Knightley even more.

  16. Did I miss the part where the movies for this Very Special HWMOAT round were announced?

  17. Um, you guys, Jingle All The Way is great.

  18. This is such a terrible movie filled with people I genuinely enjoy watching in movies. Sometimes I catch it on TV and think “this isn’t the worst.” Then it comes to the end and nothing made sense and nothing has been resolved and I go back to hating it all over again.

    Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson are seriously the best.

  19. Erg, some people don’t need to make a scene to reaffirm their self-worth. Especially the British. Those are some stoic people. Stiff upper lip, right-o!

  20. That may all be well, Gabe, but with Colin Firth, Liam Neeson, Alan Rickman, Martin Freeman, Rodrigo Santoro and (to a lesser extent) Hugh Grant this movie was never meant for you, amirite ladies?

    • Also, fun fact:

      Billy Bob Thornton has a phobia of Benjamin Disraeli’s Hairstyle (what?) and thus had a really tough time filming inside the fake Downing St set because there were portraits of Disraeli everywhere

      • did you listen to the commentary, too? Because I most definitely did. I also quite adore Hugh Grant/Colin Firth’s pretend(?) rivalry.

        • I only watch the movie with commentary on now. You learn so much valuable information like the fact that there was a 90min meeting on the colour of Aurelia’s underwear and Hugh Grant’s acting tricks

    • Le Fou: you are so right. So very right.

  21. In Wisconsin all we do is wait around in bars for foreign dudes to show up so we can bone them. FACT. Although none of us look like January Jones.

  22. Just for the record, I would totes sleep with Martin Freeman just because he has a British accent…

    In other words, I’d hit that.

  23. New Vgum slang: “I just got downvoted by a hipster dressed as an Indian”, applicable for any experience that is unexpected/undeserved and generally negative. Example: “My Girlfriend Anivia Cruz-Dilworth just made me watch Love Actually. Talk about getting downvoted by a hipster dressed as an Indian.”
    Thoughts?

  24. In Wisconsin all we do is wait around in bars for foreign dudes to show up so we can bone them. FACT. Although none of us look like January Jones.

  25. And lo I did look upon all that Gabe had written, and I saw that it was good.

  26. I firmly believe that all of Britain’s finest actors went to a sleepaway camp one summer and got drunk on some Boone’s farm and just improvised this entire film, pulling one-note character roles out of one hat and banal plot points out of another and then just drunkenly acting them out on stage before convulsing in fits of laughter.

    My point is I’m going to burn down this camp.

  27. I just can’t hate on this movie. That scene with Grimes and Keira Knightly and the cue cards and “To me you are perfect” – it chokes me up every time, guys. Every time.

    • me too, until you realize that context of it and grimes is a total prick. sorry grimes!

      • You know, this movie and this scene in particular appeal to every sentimental, sappy, girly bone in my body. It’s useless to fight it so I’ve just accepted it.

      • my interpretation of Grimes (did his character have a name? No? Grimes it is!) is much different, TBH. I saw that scene, not as a come on, but as clearing the air. She figured out that he loved her earlier, and I guess I interpret the cuecard scene as him shutting the door on that, and acknowledging his feelings to her while at the same time letting her know that he is going to move on with his life. Clearing the air, if you will.

        I do get a little furious at the people who are SOOOO SAAAAAAD that grimes and lizzie bennett didn’t end up together, though THE POINT IS THAT THEY DON’T.

        #tl:dr – I live in benefit-of-the-doubtsville

        • That’s how I see it too – like, okay, here it is, now there’s nothing to hide, so let’s stop being weird. It’s something that I wish happened in real life but never does.

        • What makes me furious is he’s blatantly hitting on his friend’s fiancée, I really didn’t want them to get together. Hello, did you see her fella? He should have taken his shirt off and had a glorious fight scene in the rain, and perhaps maybe kissed each other at the end. Now that’s a movie.

          By the way I’m free for screen writing just find me at gratuitousfightsceneintherain.com.

  28. And I remember when this first came out and I thought it looked terrible, my roommate, high off of holiday endorphins or somesuchthing, told me to see this film despite my hesitations. Thinking that I had nothing better to do (though in retrospect, doing absolutely anything else would’ve qualified as “something better to do”) I watched this horrible film. My roommate found me the next day, and with a smile, asked me, “It wasn’t that bad, now was it?” “It was, roommate, it was that Bad, Actually.” His face dropped and I turned away.

  29. All this movie needed was a plotline about Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan as an old couple to go from WMOAT to BMOAT.

  30. Never saw this. No desire to. I do appreciate the funnies though. Grassy-ass, Gabe. Way to take those Brits down a peg. (a whole peg!)

    GRIMMMMMMMMMESSSSSSS!!!!!

  31. My favorite part of The Hunt is learning what other, usually random and terrible, movies actors/actresses we now all know and love (hate?) are in. Like, aside from January Jones being in this movie, I would have never known Chris Pratt was in Bride Wars without The Hunt. It’s like Gabe is giving us all a Christmas present: useless knowledge.

  32. The cockney Hugh Grant love interest always reminds me of the lorry version of April from Eastbound and Down.

    Shes pretty #nolesbo

  33. Every once in a while there’s a WMOAT entry that makes me wonder whether all the movies I haven’t seen in the hunt are actually good.

    It takes an almost willful rejection of what this movie is clearly doing to criticize it like this. The movie doesn’t take itself seriously, doesn’t try to be realistic. The movie is ridiculous, and it knows it, clearly, from beginning to end.

    It’s almost like the movie breaks the WMOAT rule about not being “intentionally bad,” but Gabe reviewed it as though it didn’t. And Gabe is clearly very smart and pays attention and clearly got that the “America” “plotline” was intentionally ridiculous but rejected the idea that most of the rest of the movie was too. It’s just little sketches, like ‘em or don’t.

    And it’s not even that big of a deal – someone made a light, somewhat witty clearly ridiculous movie about love, and some other people decided it was supposed to be taken seriously and complain about why they shouldn’t take it seriously.

    p.s. If ANY WMOAT movie FOR SURE breaks the rule about not being”Intentionally bad,” It is “Jingle All the Way.” I wonder whether Gabe will even have the energy to complain about something so self-aware of it’s stupidity.

    • I said “clearly” too many times

    • you might have a point “douglasdoge”. I havent seen this movie so I can not validate your claims. however I thought this wmoat was not the funniest thing I read here today. The funniest thing would be the review of that movie with the Rock. The second funniest thing today was the recap of the zombie show

    • I’m a female. I was 14 when this came out. My mother loved/loves it so much. I have had to listen to the soundtrack about a million times on car rides.

      I don’t think it is the WHMOAT, but I wouldn’t say it’s very good. It, unfortunately, started that trend of movies with a million celebrities in them, with a million intertwining romantic plots.

      THAT GENRE OF MOVIE NEEDS TO BE BROKEN UP WITH. By text message. Text message short form.

    • If I remember correctly, this movie was marketed as The Ultimate Romantic Comedy when it first came out and that’s what it is. It throws in every possible romantic comedy cliche to the point where it almost becomes a satire of the genre. A light-hearted, non-mean-spirited (at least on the surface) satire, sure, but still a satire. Watching it, I got the impression that Richard Curtis had some pretty conflicted feelings about the work he’d done to earn his fortune and that maybe this movie came from a place of… uh… self-loathing is too much. Self-discomfort? Something like that. If you take it that way, it reveals a certain contempt of the audience, the way he so obviously hits all the emotion-manipulating beats and with such success, as if it’s just too fucking easy. Although I guess the “success” of the emotional manipulation is subjective… but the movie made enough money and is beloved by enough people that I think it’s fair to say that Richard Curtis is pretty good at pulling people’s emotional strings. I’m getting off topic. I forget where I was going with this. In conclusion, rhubarb pie.

      No, in conclusion, I like the movie best if I view it this way. If I thought it WASN’T conflicted about what it was, if I thought it was earnestly proselytizing (that’s the first time I’ve ever used that word, I think. It feels good) like a religious zealot, rather than just deftly going through the motions of earnestness like a master salesman with a knowing twinkle in its eye, I would be deeply creeped out by it, as I am by most romantic comedies. It’s nonsense and it knows it.

  34. Can we talk about how douchy and weird it is for a dude to make such a passive-aggressive play for his best friend’s WIFE? And how she just seems flattered by it instead of, I dunno, weirded out like a normal people would be?

    And thank god we didn’t have to see any fucking poor people fall in love. I’d lose my damn lunch.

    • It is really douchey and really weird!

    • Or gay people! Or people of color! I mean, yuck, right?

      This movie made me feel so left out.

      • Well now hold on a sec, you got that dude from Serenity as Keira’s husband/Grimes’ best friend! In a part that was only useful in bringing together the never to be romance of two attractive straight white people!

        Also, the spastic brit who went to America had a black friend. I wish he’d gotten a cool subplot.

        Honestly, I don’t hate this movie. But it’s pretty weird for me to hear people says it’s their favorite movie because it’s essentially a Michael Bay film for chicks.

  35. I could not read this because I really, unabashedly Love this movie, and not on a guilty pleasure level. It makes me feel warm and gooey and happy inside and I just think it’s great. And I have good taste! I watch movies with subtitles!

    I know there are other monsters out there with some love for this one. Admit it! There is credibility in numbers.

  36. I know this isn’t a holiday movie, and it’s probably also been reviewed, but can I nominate Sex and the City 2 as the WMOAT? I watched it on a plane and it was AWFUL. AWFULLLLLLL!!!!! Here is a werttrew-style gif to express how much I hated that movie:

    The person sitting in front of me did not appreciate my actions.

    Seriously, the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Racist, unfunny, totally pointless, and unflinchingly consumerist in the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. It was just offensive on every level. I will never forgive myself for it.

  37. I love this movie, but I can’t disagree with a damn thing here.

  38. Yeah, this show is basically British Gossip Girl with older characters, and the school play is the Charity Gala/Art Opening/Wedding/bizarre Passover Seder/Opera/Black & White Ball of the week, which all the characters have to attend and at which shit usually goes down.

  39. I realize that Grimes is the worst in this movie, “passive-agressive”, creepy, mildly sociopathic and any other insult is totally absolutely warrented…but can we also talk about Keira Knightley’s character’s reaction? Like, if one of my friends showed up to my house to weirdly tell my wife he was in love with her, I would hope my wife’s reaction would be, “Um, great but I’m fucking married…to your best friend, remember asshole!” instead of RUNNING AFTER HIM AND KISSING HIM ON THE LIPS.

    • SOME PEOPLE’S WIVES ARE JUST THE WORST WIVES.

    • I would’ve been on board with the whole thing if Keira had just like completely lost her shit at him. And really, what kind of “love” did he have for her? All we know is he said some hallmark shit at her and obsessively filmed her during a wedding. That isn’t love, that’s just wanting to bone Keira Knightly!

  40. What confused me most about this movie is that Colin Frissell has Elisha Cuthbert, January Jones, and Ivana Milicevic and he chooses Shannon Elizabeth over all of them. That’s a very Jim-from-American-Pie-before-the-last-act-of-the-first-two-American-Pie-movies thing to do

  41. The Wikipedia article on this film includes this very helpful (i.e., hilarious) chart:

  42. None of my comments have been working today. Will this one?

  43. Ugh, I remember so looking forward to seeing this movie and then walking out of the theater genuinely ANGRY, mostly because there are actors in it who are legitimately good at what they do and should have known better. One of my least favorites and biggest disappointments ever. So glad to see it get the WMOAT treatment. (I also hated Four Weddings and a Funeral because it never made sense to me why nice Hugh-Grant’s-character would fall in love with such a c-word.)

  44. I recently moved to London (and have been without the net and missed you guys oh so much) and now have a job temping right by Trafalgar Square. AND every time I wander through it at 7 in the morning, putting the Craig Armstrong Love Actually refrains on my headphones makes me feel so very Hugh Grant and about to fall in love with a beautiful girl.

    ALSO, just to let you know, the handful of times I have visited the US, I have attracted numerous females usually above my station down to my accent and attempt at flawed charm (and once, telling a girl I was an old friend of Prince Harry did get me some attention).

  45. The guy who directed Jingle All The Way is my Dad’s college roommate. While Jingle All The Way might not be the WMOAT he is very likely the Worst Director of All Time (Snow Dogs, The Spy Next Door, Are We There Yet?). Dad claims that he gave the guy (Brian Levant) the idea to go be a director.

    My point is that when you go back in time to stop this guy from going to Hollywood (after killing Hitler) please try not and screw up too much with my Dad in the process. I don’t want to not exist. Or have to memorize a bunch of new kings or something.

  46. Even after reading this I still don’t remember if I have seen this movie.

  47. I love this movie. LOVE IT. And nothing you say will make me change my mind. Exhibit A:

    Grimes crushes on his best friend’s wife in this movie. Fast forward to a few years later and Grimes’ wifey gets crushed (repeatedly and in the woods) by his BEST FRIEND. This is a little thing I like to call JUSTICE!!!

  48. Food for thought: would you like this movie as much if it was American and all the actors were also American?

  49. There was also a dude who was constantly trying to murder his siter in that movie. How could you leave that out?

    • Such an unnecessary and weird subplot! She can’t have a pursue a romantic relationship with a man because she has a psychotic brother in a mental hospital? I’m pretty certain they don’t get to call their relatives whenever they feel like, either.

    • Fast forward a few years and BAM Laura Linney is taking care of yet another mentally challenged brother. Times they are a’changing my foot!

  50. Actually, my “favorite” way to watch this movie is to do a shot every time a character says “actually”. This actually allows you to actually pass out before the movie is actually to its worst and most infuriating parts. Actually.

  51. Absolute most infuriating part of this movie is Hugh Grant fucking up diplomacy against the U.S. because George W. Clinton was groped the hireling he wanted to bone AND THEN GETS APPLAUDED BY HIS STAFF LIKE HE DID SOMETHING GOOD. The montage of “vague political disagreement” earlier in the film is priceless.

  52. I saw this on FACEBOOK today and you monsters are just ignoring it?

    http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=3880052&id=80017798651

  53. love actu9/11y

  54. 8 are a lot of amirites, David.

  55. “Liam Neeson’s wife just died and now he has sole custody of his stepson.” – Too soon, Love Actually. Too soon.

  56. I am the last one here, but boy, do I not like this movie (and I like a lot of shitty movies). To me it feels cynical and contemptuous of the audience, but all my friends love it. They love it so much! I remember coming out of the theater like, “Hmm…” and then an hour later deciding, “Oh, no. Nope. That was terrible. Hated it.” Which character’s subplot is most awful? I can’t decide! But probably Laura Linney.

    • I read through all the comments and wanted to reply to so many so I wrote this succinct comment instead.

      re- “just in cases”
      I so didn’t know where I got “just in cases” from! I now feel both unoriginal and maybe racist? Is it wrong to imitate someone who has English as their second language?

      re -Dramatic sweater zip
      This was totally one of my favourite parts and I just bought a sweater that I can totally accomplish it in and this brings me so much joy. Next step is to hit on my best friend’s girl.

      re- This movie and whether it’s okay to love it
      I know I saw this movie when I was a teen in theatres and I know I saw it when I was learning about my own budding sexuality (gaaay) and I know that I was already way into the Bridget Jones’s-esque movie world but I love, love, love this movie. It’s cheesy and heavy handed and full of sighs but I just can’t not love it. I had never been in love by the time this movie came out and I was just so enthralled. Now I am an adult and have been in serious relationship type things and I still like the gooeyness of the film.

      …too much of a comment? Yes, actually.

      • ps – that wasn’t meant to be a response!

        pss – Can we not have a shout-out for when Liam Neilson’s character subtly asks his son if the lad is in love with a boy or a girl without being judgey and just in an open way? This is how I wish every kid was asked about their first crush. Siigh.

  57. Oh shoot. I liked this movie. A LOT. But the post was funny as hell, so there you go.

  58. Oh god, thank you, other people who hate this movie as much as I do. Everyone I know loves it so much, I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me.

  59. I saw this recently and thought it was OK, but the more I think about it the less I like it. The woman who was hitting on Alan Rickman was the best part of the movie. In fact, I could have done without everyone else. Yeah, this movie blows!

  60. New here. Just spent last two days devouring this site. Community here is great, surreal. Like everyone is a sit-com character (but funny) and you’re all wearing those scramble suits from A Scanner Darkly. Do I make sense?

    Also, Richard Curtis should be banned from thinking about movies for making this. I can’t believe he had the balls to mention 9/11 in this poop.

  61. There are so many people in this film that I love as actors, Martin Freeman, Alan Rickman, Bill Nighy, Emma Thompson, that it is frightening how much I dislike this film. There are just no words to describe how turned off I was by the Hugh Grant dance scene and I’ve always thought Hugh Grant was a hottie, but this just killed that, at least in this film. I don’t know why but there aren’t too many Richard Curtis films that I like, so that might also be the problem. There are just too many people in here and the stories just don’t add up for me. This is a man who wrote on Blackadder and Mr. Bean. Yet his films such as Notting Hill (ugh Julia Roberts) and Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (Ugh, stupid sequel) are horrifying.

  62. On top of just the general awfulness of this movie and the whole absurd Wisconsin subplot, let’s discuss the fact that this Very Modern Love Story ambitiously attempts to look at ALL types of love — heterosexual, pre-pubescent, platonic, father-stepson, sister-retarded brother — except, in the dozens of simulatenous, barely-probable storylines, a gay relationship (oh! they did try to insinuate that that guy was in love with his best friend, but it turns out he was really in love with Keira Knightley, his sense of self-importance and a delusional belief in his videotaping acumen this whole time!). Which is, for a 2003(?) movie, kind of a major omission. For god’s sake, even “Valentine’s Day” shoehorned in a gay plotline. Instead we have to sit through a “sexy” romp through wintertime Wisconsin? NO THANKS.

  63. I created an account for this site just to be able to comment – a year after everyone else on your review of this gawdawful movie.

    This may be the greatest movie review of all time and certainly the best of the stink pile known as “Love, Actually”.

    Well done, sir.

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