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[Ed. note: Joe Mande, stand-up comedian and the creator of the popular blog Look At This Fucking Hipster(now a popular book!) is forced to do things that we don’t want to do, for our education and amusement. If you have a challenge/suggestion, submit it to t14tt@videogum.com.]

Hello, monsters. I know it’s been a while since I last took one for the team. I imagine some of you are disappointed with me, which is valid. I feel ashamed about it. But, please try to understand that I do have a life outside of Videogum. And sometimes that life gets sidetracked for months while I try unsuccessfully to lure Frankie Muniz into a Twitter fight with me. But I’m back in the T14TT saddle, and that’s all that matters.

So anyway, remember Brokencyde? Yeah, you guys remember Brokencyde. Well, two nights ago, I drove to New Jersey to see a real-life Brokencyde concert. Actually, no, that’s not quite true. Two nights ago, I drove to a weird warehouse in South Hackensack, New Jersey to see Brokencyde, AND THE FIVE (FIVE!) BANDS THAT OPENED FOR BROKENCYDE, play a real-life concert.

Two dollars a band? What a rip off.

Here’s a breakdown of the evening:

(First, it should be noted that I brought two tickets to the concert, hoping a videographer would to come with me to professionally document the experience. For some odd reason, no videographer wanted to do that. So instead, my friend Noah came along to help shoot some footage. And by help shoot some footage, I mean he played Words with Friends on his iPhone the whole time.)

According to my tickets, the doors were to open at 6:00 pm. According to my Google Map directions, the route from Brooklyn to South Hackensack could take as long as an hour and a half with traffic. So, according to me, I decided we should leave a little before 4:30 pm.

“Hey Noah, is the School of Rock on Schrieffer Street or Schreiffer Street?” – An actual thing I said out loud.

About twenty minutes later, we were there. Way too early. I knew I didn’t want to be the first ones in line for a Brokencyde concert, because I knew we (the two full grown men attending a Brokencyde conert) would look lame. So we decided to drive around Hackensack looking for something to do for an hour. Ultimately, that something to do ended up being a mediocre meal at a nearby Italian restaurant where the waiter refused to believe we weren’t a gay couple. I really think it got us mentally prepared for the show.

When we returned to the venue a little after 6:00pm, there was a long line of kids, all with this haircut, waiting outside. Even though the show was advertised as “All Ages,” it was clear the ideal age was somewhere below the legal age to drive a car, because there were a bunch of parents sitting idling in cars in the parking lot, watching to make sure their depressed child got in the venue okay. It honestly felt like we were at the first day of Suicide Girl Scout camp.

“Mom! Go away! You’re embarrassing me!” – Everyone in line.

Eventually, the doors opened and we all filed into the School of Rock. The school itself is split into two sections: a front area with classrooms, where little children presumably learn how to play musical instruments, and a back area with a sad performance space where slightly older kids who don’t really know how to play instruments play sad concerts in front of sad audiences. Theoretically, the sad performance space could probably hold five or six hundred sad people, but on Sunday there were only about 100-120 sad people.

As stated before, there were five (FIVE!) opening bands for Brokencyde. The very first was a local band called “Blinding Lights”. They were clearly a bunch of high school kids trying to be the auto-tune version of New Found Glory. They were very happy and nervous and full of optimism. All their parents were there to watch them play a cover of that Dynamite song. It was actually kid of adorable, in the same way a Pug puppy is adorable. Like, it’s cute right now, but only right now, because eventually it’s going to grow up to become a fucking Pug.

#1 Blinding Lights fan.

The next performer was a dude named Alex York. I honestly had no idea what his deal was. Imagine if Billy Idol had sex with Adam Lambert’s half-brother. That’s Alex York. Dude had me cracking up the whole time. I’m pretty sure his band thinks he’s a joke too, because they were all wearing Jabbawockeez masks to hide their identities.

Alex York and a few people who don’t want you to know they play with Alex York.

After whatever the fuck Alex York was, the “real” show started. That’s when the band “The Hit” (good name) took the stage. I don’t know if the wide-eyed kids in Blinding Lights got to see The Hit perform (I assume they all had to go home to cram for that biology quiz in first period, because they were seriously children), but oh man I really wish the kids in Blinding Lights got to see The Hit perform. Because The Hit is their future; day after day they drive into a new gross town, eat Taco Bell, unload the van, sing the exact same cover of that exact same Dynamite song for kids with the exact same haircut, commit a little statch, load the van back up, and drive on to the next gross town. I’m not saying that’s not a desirable life, but yes I am. The Hit were disgusting.

The Hit was also the first band of the night to tell the crowd to wake up over and over again. This became the theme of the night. Constantly being to told to wake up. “Wake up, you guys! Wake up! We need you to wake the fuck up!” Yo, how about you chill? It’s Sunday night. God’s night! Show some respect.

Next up was a group called Kill Paradise, who spent a good 20 minutes before they started setting up their own light kit and fog machine. And to their credit, they totally had a light kit and fog machine up there. That’s pretty much all I remember about them. Lights and fog. When their set ended, they spent a few minutes disassembling their light kit, only to then come back on stage to help set up a different light kit for the next band. Now, I’m not an electro-screamo-pop-punk light kit expert, but I really think that sometime before the show all the electro-screamo-pop-punk bands could have met up and agreed in advance to share the same light kit. But you know how electro-screamo-pop-punks are…(unwilling to share their light kits.)

The penultimate act of the night was Millionaires. If you don’t know their deal, Millionaires is this real-life sister duo who are basically two Ke$has to the Snooki power. And no joke, you guys, I think I maybe loved Millionaires? I don’t know! I can’t tell. I felt so conflicted watching them. I wanted to M/F/K them all at once. If you told me Millionaires were brain dead zombie whores, I’d believe it. Conversely, if you told me they were genius performance art prodigies, I’d totally believe that too. They were amazing. It was like watching a couple of disgusting human garbage bags flutter in the wind.

This is me watching Millionaires:

The first thing the Millionaires girls said when they hit the stage was “Middle finger in the air if your pussy’s tight!”  That’s how it started! Within five minutes, they instructed the crowd (of CHILDREN, mind you) to pop pills, snort cocaine, suck dick, and fuck without condoms. It was nuts. I’ve never felt more like a dad. I started looking around the room to find an adult (the Principal of Rock, perhaps?) to come and stop them. Then I realized I WAS THE ADULT! It was a nightmare.

The Millionaires only sang (Ha! “Sang.”) four songs before storming offstage to sulk at their merch table 20 yards away. It was clear from their body language and attitude that they thought they should be headlining the show. And despite the fact that they had just put on the most appalling thing I’d ever seen, I couldn’t have agreed more. Millionaires really should have been headlining.

Once the Millionaires’ light kit was taken down, and the final light kit of the night was set up – it was Brokencydetyme! This was the reason I was in New Jersey missing 60 Minutes! Almost immediately it became clear that Brokencyde was the worst band of the night. I mean, obviously. They are terrible. In fact, they were the worst band I’d ever seen. Brokencyde consists of three white dudes with this haircut all screaming over shitty Pro Tools beats while a shirtless black dude plays drums in the dark behind them. Again, I couldn’t help feeling like a dad. “They’re just screaming!” I thought to myself. “This isn’t music! GIN BLOSSOMS is music!”

I did admire how Brokencyde tried to harmonize their screaming. I’d never seen that before. One guy did a high-register screech, another did a low-register growl, and the front man kept it in the middle with a more practical bellow. Also, their between-song banter was a lot like that of The Hit’s, with a lot of talk about weed and sex and how we all needed to wake up. At one point they got the crowd to chant “Fuck Brokencyde,” which I found surprisingly cathartic. Then, after they finished their last song and waited offstage for an encore, some dude in the back of the room called them a “bunch of pussies.” So then, of course, Brokencyde all came back out onstage and threatened to fight the dude outside. But it was clear that they didn’t mean it. Because they are clearly all pussies. Which is fine! I’m a big pussy. That’s how I can spot other big pussies! This guy knows what I’m talking about! (Ugh. Sorry.)

I actually kind of felt bad for Brokencyde by the end? As a comedian, I’ve had my fair share of shitty gigs, but nothing as uniquely depressing as this. I never knew how hard the road was for electro-screamo-pop-punks. So, to show my pussy solidarity, I made sure to hit up the Brokencyde merch table before I left.

“How many slap bracelets can I buy to make you stop forever?”

In any case, I edited the five-hour concert down into a manageable three minute video. I hope you watch it and enjoy it because I went there for you:


Comments (163)
  1. Congratulations, Mr. Mande, you just fixed the Cyde.

  2. Thank god you’re back!

  3. Who loves Brokencyde? This guy!

  4. I haven’t even read this yet, but the look from the guy on Joe’s left is AMAZING. “Babe! Listen! They are playing our song…I know rig…The fuck is this guy doing? No not you!” -That guy

  5. Was the dude in the pig suit there? That was always my favorite part of their oeuvre. Very Flaming Lips if Wayne Coyne had no talent and looked like a 12 year old girl

  6. OH my goodness. Just reading the title of this article made me laugh so hard. Joe Mande is awesome.

  7. If they had to scream “Wake up” to the *paying* audience that came to see them perform, maybe everyone there was an undercover comedian?

  8. My cyde is broken now. From laughter.

    Take my joke, please!

  9. As the resident Adult at most concerts I go to, I can say I have somehow found myself at concerts exactly like this wondering why the hell I paid money to get in when I could have been sitting at home watching cbs.

  10. I thought Joe was holding some Brokencyde-branded Toblerones in that last pic. That got me thinking:

    BNPG: Bandcandies?????

    Twixhibit
    M&M&Eminem’s
    Red Hot Chip

  11. Joe, you should have tweeted that you had time to kill in Hackensack aka my hometown. Then I could have told you to stop at Lidos and order the best thin crust pizza in the entire world instead of settling for shitty Italian food. Next time!

  12. NestLe Tigre

  13. I’ve never felt more confused watching a three minute clip of music.

    • For reals. I’m baffled why all these bands are all on the same bill together.

      • All the other bands grouped them together to avoid having to tour with them. They’re the band equivalents of Douglas Adams’s telephone sanitizers.

      • When you’re a band very few people give a shit about, you get thrown onto bills with whoever’s around. We have played with the most incongruous bands and what ends up happening is that everyone’s fans get pissed at having to sit through the other bands because at shows like that it’s anyone’s guess what the order will be and what time things will happen.

        • You’d think they’d at LEAST check their set lists with each other at some point along the tour, right? “Oh, you’re still covering that Dynamite song? Us too! Should we flip for it, or… nah, you’re right, fuck it. It’s not like the kids are gonna leave.”

  14. I think this is the best thing I have ever read. Joe Mande is a God…Joe Mande is a ROLE MODEL!

    • Being compared to a teen dream like Mike Dexter is the ULTIMATE compliment. Joe Mande you should be proud.

      • I always wondered whether that Mike Dexter and Astronaut Mike Dexter are one in the same

        • ME TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • That would be amazing if it was! I feel like we saw Astronaut Mike Dexter in one of Liz’s dreams or daydreams at some point though.

          30Rock should ask Peter Facinelli to do a guest spot as Astronaut Mike Dexter! He’s always in NYC filming Nurse Jackie…I saw him once this week already. I bet he would do it.

        • I would love it if they are the same! They should ask Peter Facinelli to do a guest spot on 30Rock as Astronaut Mike Dexter. I bet he would do it, he’s always in NYC filming Nurse Jackie.

          • Sorry for the double post. I’ve been having some issues getting my comments to go through this week.

            #commenterfail

  15. This is my most and least favorite thing all in one. I feel weird.

  16. The Taio Cruz song “Dynamite?” The links weren’t working for me.

    Brilliant as usual Mr. Mande. May you take many more for the team.

  17. How much can one person barf? Because my bathtub is already full…BARF

  18. I totally would have shot this for Joe. How else am I ever going to justify going to see the Millionaires and Brokencyde?

  19. I feel bad for Joe, but I feel worse for Brokencyde. Joe had to hear them play once. Brokencyde has to hear their own music every night.

  20. My favorite part of that video is Alex York appears to be wearing a monitor ear piece and it’s just like, come on Alex York, you are barely breathing on key. Just do your thing in your leather daddy vest and be done with it.

    • I also enjoy that Alex York has to reach out pretty far before someone grabs his hand.

      • How about the way he creepily grasps the hands of the (what must be) fourteen-year-old girls in the audience? Double barf.

        Mr. Mande, you are a man among men.

    • I had a friend play in the backing band for a Alex York-type dude. They went on tour with, you guessed it, Alex York. But it wasn’t a regular tour, it was the CAMPLIFIED tour, which brought them to several teen camps a week.

      Apparently it was a weird couple of weeks. Very, very weird.

  21. Am I crazy or was something about the Millionaires posted on Videogum like a year or so ago? I desperately need to understand why I knew who they were before reading this.

  22. You are a braver man than I. Or woman, as the case may be.

  23. Guys, I hate to say, but with this one, I think we may have gone too far. Making someone attend a Brokencyde concert?! People have been driven mad by much less. Just watching that video I felt physically ill.

    • I almost went OF MY OWN FREE WILL to a Brokencyde concert with my friends because I thought it would be “funny” and “ironic.” So glad I saw THE ERROR OF MY WAYS.

  24. Did they REALLY both play Dynamite? That musta been so tough on “The Hit.”

    “Ohmygod you guys! Listen! Those teenagers are semi-ironically covering the same top 40 hit as us! And we go on in half an hour! What’ll we do!?”

    “Stop covering auto-tuned charting hits for 100 bored minors in a terrible part of New Jersey?”

    “Write some damn songs so as not to resort to novelty covers?”

    “Get haircuts?”

    “You guys are out of the band forever!!!!”

    Barf.

  25. Did anyone else catch where on the upper-left part of the ticket it says, “This is your ticket”? Burn!

  26. I don’t want to sound like a misogynist, and women should be comfortable with their sexuality, but Millionaires really straddles the line between slutz and whorez. (Harsh I know, but kids should not be listening to that.)

  27. Oh man its been a few months since that millionaires post and i quite honestly had managed to completely forget about their existence till this. Its all back now. I feel the same sick feeling in my stomach as i did that July morning, while i watched in a silent scream the ‘lets get laid’ song.

  28. After watching this video, I finally feel my age…

  29. This makes me really sorry for that one time in high school I made my dad take me to the Family Values Tour to see Korn and Limp Bizkit.

    • My sister and I made our mother take us to see Blink182 when I was 13 years old. They opened with this song, which is about the least SFW thing you could ever listen to, fyi: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlFuuI2XQmQ

    • Brokencyde makes Fred Durst look like John Lennon.

      • To be honest after reading this I had to go watch a brokencyde video. and I couldn’t really disagree with you there. I mean I know as I get older I start to understand the music of younger generations less and less, but I’m only 28 and feel like I’m not entirely out of touch with music quite yet but this brokencyde electro pop screamo stuff is just horrible. And I listened to screamo in the late 90′s early 00′s, so it makes me really sad that this is what passes for screamo nowadays. I mean, pg.99, saetia, orchid, etc. were all really good….or maybe I’m biased because that’s the screamo of my day, but seriously what the hell happened??

        • Don’t feel old. I’m 16 and I don’t fucking understand how or why someone would listen to this. Most of my friends feel the same way.

          “It’s just noise!!”- Our moms, us

  30. “DON’T TAKE DRUGS!” – all of Blinding Light’s mothers, screaming from their idling cars in the parking lot

  31. I should not have been drinking milk when I read “commit a little statch.”

  32. Probably too late in the thread for a response but:
    Anyone know where to get a videogum t-shirt like the one Mande is wearing?

  33. I laughed so hard at the “statch” thing that I feel like going to jail.

  34. The video gave me AIDs

  35. I am ridiculously late to this thread, but I would just like to say that this post and all the comments are the reason Videogum is just the best. Let Videogum and all Monsters be the guiding light in the otherwise depressing intellectual slum of the internet.

  36. Where was T???

  37. My brother was working a merch table at Warped Tour last summer and was out handing out handbills at one of the smaller stages. The band that came on was so awful and and he hated them so much he threw an entire stack of fliers at them from the pit, enough to cover the front of the stage. The fliers were super heavy card stock so they pretty much flew like ninja stars. The offending band? Millionaires.

    I bought him a drink to congratulate him on his efforts.

    • Your brother is my personal hero. Teacherman, Baby Friday and Cool Brother together at a table eating turkey; Thanksgiving is awesome for you!

  38. My internet cut out halfway through this video and I couldn’t watch the rest. I think my computer was trying to save me from myself.

  39. Brokencyde/Pizza Party! All the kids went to get pizza with their moms after the concert!

  40. “It is what it is,” said 39-year-old Wahlberg. “F-ing trees, man. The plants. F– it. You can’t blame me for not wanting to try to play a science teacher. At least I wasn’t playing a cop or a crook.” Mark Wahlberg on his worst movie ever.

  41. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  42. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Haha, “scene”.

    • This is definitely the scene. Yup. Look at us. We aren’t afraid of rebelling against the emptiness of (relatively comfortable suburban middle class) life! We are rude and loud and (completely devoid of any hint of the progress of the last 1000 years of human civilization) dumb and teenagers and we’re gonna do what we want (as long as Mum and Dad are in the car outside of the venue)! You can’t trap us! We’re gonna listen to ANGRY music full of (misguided and pointless) rage and dress like (a effeminate and lamer version of Hamlet) the sadness in our lives! SO SHUT UP JOE MAENDE YOU’RE PROBABLY AN OLD MAN ANYWAYS AHAHAHAH LOL OLD PEOPLE SUCKKKKK!!!!

      • Brilliant, man, make fun of teenagers for having parents. I bet that gets you a lot of pussy. “Ooh, look at him, he isn’t a child anymore, time progressed for him, that’s so hot.”

  43. How could no one have wanted to film this! Emopop Parking Lot anyone?! Let me know next time, I can film things for you. Find out when their next show in the area is.
    -Jeanma
    jeanma.com

  44. Also, 6:30 PM for a concert? I took my nephew to a Wiggles show that started later than this.

  45. I had the misfortune of seeing Millionaires perform at a music fest a few years back (other notable talent- 3OH!3 and Jeffree Star of Myspace notoriety). My friend and I stood there, mouths agape and exchanging glances, not exactly sure what we were observing. One thing was certain-we would never forget what we happened upon that day, because UGH.

  46. Guys, I just experienced a real life porno switcheroo involving this article. I was trying to post a link of this post to my friend’s facebook wall, because this friend introduced me to Brokencyde via their “Freaxxx” video. Anywho, I used tinyURL to post it, and noticed that the link didn’t have the preview that facebook links usually do, so I clicked it to make sure it wasn’t broken. It wasn’t broken. It was just wrong. The link took me to a place called the ejaculazone or something. Very surprising. Very porno switcheroo.

  47. To quote the maitre d’ in Ferris Bueller, “I weep for the future.”

  48. I’m so glad I discovered you. My favorite part was ” makes my heart cave in” & the haircut….laughing, I know you wanted to know my favs…
    @femmmefatal

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