“Over time, I have definitely found that what I am attracted to has changed. The more that I come to know myself, the more that I can finally pinpoint what exactly it is that I’m looking for in a partner, you know? So, like, I used to think that I wanted someone who shared my taste in books, or who knew how to cook, or who had a welcoming family that I could get to know and become a part of. Now, most of that stuff doesn’t matter as much to me. My girl can read whatever she wants, it doesn’t have any affect on what I’m reading. If she can’t cook, there are plenty of people who can, they are called professional chefs and they’re all over the place. And I’ve got a family, turns out I don’t need a second one. At this point in my life, what I’ve finally come to understand is that the person I’ve been looking for all my life is someone who will spend upwards of five days in a tent outside of a strip-mall Best Buy in Florida waiting for a discount on a fucking TV. Soul mates.”

–You

I HOPE THEY OFFER A MEGA DISCOUNT ON WEDDING RIIIIIIIIIIINGS. (Thanks for the tip, Shanna.)

Comments (117)
  1. Firstness.

  2. My girlfriend is so good with the sentence-making.

  3. Oh jesus fucking christ what the hell have we become?

  4. She loves the experience of being FIIIIRST so much. I think Steve Winwood has just found his soumate.

  5. I am having Thanksmisgivings about our relationship.

  6. Am I wrong in thinking that the expense of taking five days to live in a tent negates any would be savings? Sternos are expensive, yo.

  7. What makes this so crazy is that she seems absolutely normal…

  8. My girlfriend is going to be the first to get a Blu Ray copy of Mean Girls 2, you guys. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

  9. She broke up with me when i showed her that iBooks are full price with a $100 gift card bonus.

  10. When the second person gets there an hour before the store opens, she’s going to be like, “Worth it”.

  11. Fuck Thanksgiving! Give me an inflatable mattress on a concrete slab and a can of baked beans any day!

  12. That’s not my girlfriend. My girlfriend knows better than to leave the kitchen for even one day, much less five.

  13. You know… She keeps saying “we,” but I don’t see anyone else.

  14. I’m thankful that she didn’t drag me with her again this year

  15. You know… She keeps saying “we,” but I don’t see anyone else.

  16. We like to go to the movies together.

    • Check out Lugosi being a straight-up Jack Pimpsey in the corner (AS YOOJ!) Karloff’s like, “what’s in the vial, Lugosi???” and Lugosi’s like “Pimp Juice. I just stuck myself with about a gazillion CCs” and Anne Nagel’s all, “Oh no! He’s a deep-fried pimp with player sauce on the side! Whatever shall I do?” and Lugosi’s like, “Get fucked fo’sho.”

      More like Goodfella Lugosi

  17. The only two options for how to spend your time on Thanksgiving: 8 hours of cooking and cleaning followed by a football coma

    OR

    24 hours of sitting and sitting on a strip mall sidewalk followed by a depression suicide

  18. I’m kind of jealous that she lives in such a safe town though, I would never feel comfortable camping out in nyc

  19. “As you see” is the best part of this.

  20. I think we’re going to need Grimes.

  21. Someday, they’ll invent some magical device that allows me to buy things from the comfort and warmth of my own home, but until that wonderful day, its the cold embrace of this Target sidewalk for me.

  22. Over time, I have definitely found that what I am attracted to has changed. The more that I come to know myself, the more that I can finally pinpoint what exactly it is that I’m looking for in a partner, you know? So, like, I used to think that I wanted someone who shared my taste in books, or who knew how to cook, or who had a welcoming family that I could get to know and become a part of. Now, most of that stuff doesn’t matter as much to me. My girl can read whatever she wants, it doesn’t have any affect on what I’m reading. If she can’t cook, there are plenty of people who can, they are called professional chefs and they’re all over the place. And I’ve got a family, turns out I don’t need a second one. At this point in my life, what I’ve finally come to understand is that the person I’ve been looking for all my life is someone who will spend upwards of five days in a tent outside of a strip-mall Best Buy in Florida waiting for a discount on a fucking TV. Soul mates.

  23. Wow, i can’t believe that there aren’t that many ants out there! So cool!

  24. Also, has anyone bothered to tell her that Apple would never allow black Friday discounts on their computers? She MUST be crazy.

  25. For her its the experience of the being the FIRST. What does she think is going to happen? They are going to open the store for her, escort her in, and lock the door so she can shop in peace? Who is she kidding? She is probably going to get pushed out of the way or trampled trying to get to the good stuff. It seems like a totally worthwhile investment to start camping 4 days in advance. “But I was fiiiiiirst!” -Lori Davenport as she is thrown into a display stand of flash drives.

    • Not that I know or anything…but usually at electronic stores like that, they go through the line and hand out tickets for certain items. So they’d go to crazy lady there and be like, “What’re you here for?” And she’d be like, “A big TV for my daughter (don’t worry, she already knows), one of those Apple compooters, a soul, dignity, etc.” And they’d say, “Pick one.” And she’d say, “Tough choice but definitely the TV.”

  26. “I don’t want the tv, I just want my mom back.” – weeping child out of frame

  27. You know how I know she’s crazy? She’s thinks a Macbook will get discounted.

    • “So, my girlfriend, what will you be doing with your new Apple Notebook.”

      “Oh, you know, normal stuff. Coaster. Heating Pad. Center Piece. That sorta thing.”

      (My Heart Is On Fire)

  28. “We”?

    She looks kind of alone. Perma-alone.

  29. “We’re just like the regular people. We’re not here first because we’re, you know, planning on this big, huge, that we have to have purchase? Um, of course we are going to shop like we do every year, but to us, it’s more about being first, and having the whole experience of what that brings to you. Um, we never knew that we were going to be — we never thought we need to be first for any sort of firstness? Just for our own firstness. Um, to make ourselves happy, and that we accomplished something. It was a personal goal.”

    – an actual human being who actually exists in this world

    • I’m glad you transcribed this because I see great things ahead in the Firstness movement and at some point we’re going to have to refer back to our roots…when we were first.

  30. We should all find something that makes us so happy…

    But, not really, because I live near St. Petersburg and there are so many other better things you could be doing than sitting outside of Best Buy. Like going to one of the ten-thousand parks, or the beach, or Ft. De Soto Park which is a park and a beach and a Spanish fort. Or the Dali museum, or that really good Gelatto place, or the giant used bookstore which is the size of a Best Buy but is filled with old books. Or go to that movie theater owned by the guy who wrote The Punisher and insult his movie not realizing he is behind you.

    Or, go hang outside of a Best Buy. That’s good too.

  31. So for part of the interview, is she sitting behind a “The Firstness is In (5 cents)” desk? I really hope that’s what I was seeing.

  32. “Our tent zips up to keep out the ants and other kinds of bug-ness. Luckily there’s not many ants around this area, we’re really happy about that. We’re also relieved that we haven’t had to use our bear spray, and no one’s had to amputate a limb, so far…We just love the outdoors.”

  33. Um. How…rather, WHERE, is she going to the bathroom?

  34. The best part is that she has no real shopping list. “Possibly” a TV, “maybe” a Blu-ray, she plans to look at Macs but “it depends which one I want.” You’d think someone this dedicated would have exact model numbers tattooed inside her eyelids.

  35. GODDAMNIT TAMPA BAY AREA! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
    Just when I thought Dominique Young Unique was giving us a good [hoodrat] name, Lori Davenport has to come and ruin everything.
    Mediocre 4ever- Tampa.

  36. “To make ourselves happy and that we accomplished something.” – Lori Davenport

    Some people cure cancer, some people save the environment, and some people pitch a tent out in front of a Best Buy. Same difference.

  37. My girlfriend was in this video, but she isn’t Lori Davenport, she’s the one with that killer backside at 0:34

  38. Oh, dear lord, that’s my home town.

  39. While I completely respect every ones opinion that you should wait if she’s worth it, I have to disagree.

    http://no3rush.net/

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