gretchen_carlson_heaven

Gretchen Carlson’s hands were shaking so hard, she could barely get the bottle of Aquafina to her lips, and some of the water spilled down the front of her silk lilac blazer. Her throat was so dry it felt like the leathery palms of her crablike hands. She was near tears, and she walked towards her dressing room with the stiff, determined purpose of someone working very hard to get it together. Various members of the crew would say hello to her, but she ignored them, kept her head down, a tight smile drawn across her face like a child with palsy and a crayon. Safely in her dressing room, she closed the door and leaned against it, the cool metal refreshing and reassuring against her now damp back. She had sweat through her blouse, could feel sweat running down her control top pantyhose. Her whole body felt like it was on fire with some kind of terrible African fever.

Most journalists work all their lives dreaming of a scoop just a fraction of the size of the one she had just reported. Gretchen had always thought of herself as lucky, but she never in her wildest dreams could have imagined that such a thing would just drop into her lap. The unquestionable, definitive proof of heaven! AND SHE BROKE THE STORY!

During most of her interview with Colton Burpo, Gretchen could feel her eyes swimming in her head, and her heart was pounding in her chest like Gretchen Carlson grabbed a small trash can and threw up into it. Little bits of shrimp and half a Luna bar. She slumped down on the black leather couch and stared at her own face in the mirror. The muscles in her body had gone weak, drained by the adrenaline that was coursing through her body. HEAVEN! It all seemed so impossible to believe, and yet it had happened. And to think that heaven was just as wonderful as she had always hoped. You got to be your younger self in heaven, Todd Burpo had said so! She hoped you also got to choose your outfit, but she would wear whatever God wanted her to wear. But He probably did let you choose your outfit.

Gretchen tapped her fingers in a frantic rhythm. She felt like calling someone. Heck, she felt like calling EVERYONE. But, of course, she had just been on TV. Everyone already knew! Who didn’t watch Fox and Friends? No, the word was out now. Heaven was real and Gretchen Carlson was an incredible journalist. She could just see the line of people at the next White House Correspondent’s Dinner, all of them waiting not for the President, but for her, to shake her hand, and tearfully thank her for the incredible news, and then to apologize for her for ever doubting that she was anything other than the most impressive and important journalist that existed. They would grovel. And she would touch each of them on the head and forgive them, like Jesus. Except that unlike Jesus, she would secretly resent them for the rest of her life.

The rest of her life. God, when you thought about it that way, it did get a little grim.

And then Gretchen Carlson thought of all those people who might die before her and get to see the glory of heaven first. Suddenly, the sweat that was drenching her body turned cold. Hadn’t her life been one long series of endless back-stabbing miseries and Vaseline-toothed lies shrouded in almost unbearable self-loathing? Wasn’t her heart just a dried up raisin soaking in a foul-smelling black liquid? Was her soul not stretched thinner than her heavily-injected forehead? Didn’t she deserve some eternal peace? Besides, if it wasn’t for her hard hitting questions, such as, “I like hearing that part,” when the little boy explained what heaven was like (besides real), no one would even know right now that heaven was absolutely for real a real thing. If anything, Gretchen Carlson should prove to them that she isn’t just a one hit wonder of journalism. She should follow the story wherever it takes her! Isn’t that what she learned in her correspondence course on Journalism & Beautician Sciences?

Gretchen Carlson rummaged in the bottom drawer of the desk she never ever used for anything, and found a thick length of heavy rope. She tied it to a cross beam that just happened to run the width of her office, even though you would really think that FOX News corporate headquarters wouldn’t have wooden cross-beams running through them, but there it was. Then she fashioned a noose and slipped it around her neck. As she stood on the chair, giddy to look into Jesus’s “rough but kind” face, she pictured the Pulitzer Prize committee posthumously giving her all of the awards. She pictured every single person in the world standing over her grave and weeping tears of joy. Just before she kicked the chair out from under her feet, she whispered “you’re welcome.”

Epilogue: Heaven doesn’t exist. Gretchen Carlson could have just kicked herself, but of course, she couldn’t, because she was dead. “Maybe I shouldn’t have put so much faith into the retarded sounding fever-dreams of little children,” she might have thought to herself, if she had the capacity for thought, which she didn’t, because she was just an unsentient lump of flesh, dangling above the rough carpet of an anonymous office, waiting for some illegal immigrant on the custodial staff to discover it. R.I.P.

Comments (71)
  1. But Gabe, Gretchen Carlson has already been to heaven.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VpEoFqNMxk

  2. Heaven just got a little more crazy-eyed.

  3. Too soon, Bing search results.

  4. Bing is clearly into somebody’s own personal idea of Heaven.

  5. Okay, for serious Bing. This porn thing has gone on long enough. How would you like it if I texted YOU a WHOLE BUNCH of porn right now while you were showing your fancy new iPad to a group of quadrapledgic orphans? No? You wouldn’t? I didn’t think so.

  6. that’s a lot of upskirts. no thank you, bing.

  7. Referencing the Colton Burpo (BURPO! AHAHAHA!) post, Richard Lawson at Gawker called Gretchen Carlson a “lemon-scented floor mop” and sent me into a fit of giggles. http://j.mp/cM0Ni7

  8. Colton Burpo: He Did Make It Up

  9. It’s just tragic that Fox is the only news outlet that has the guts to tackle this story. Classic liberal lamestream media.

  10. Poor Gretchen. She had her whole life behind her!

  11. Do all Monsters go to heaven?

    Yeah that’s a 1989 cartoon movie reference deal with it.

  12. This is what I like to see:


    Ok, it is via Huffington Post., but still…VIDEOGUM EVERYWHERE!

  13. Does anyone ever come back from the dead who went to Hell? “Satan is huge. He holds the whole world between his toes and he urinates on his own foot all day! And I saw John Wilkes Boothe — he was young and his leg wasn’t broken! Oh but his eyes had been gouged out and his stomach was a hive of fire ants, so that was sad. And I just had this overwhelming sense of despair. Then the doctors revived me just as I was about to get the roof of my mouth branded and a Bieber haircut!” — Sinner Colton Burpo

  14. This story gave me gas, No Burpo.

  15. My idea of heaven would be this story coming true.

  16. Nice Luna Bar product placement, did they pay for that?

  17. What I like most about this post is that it validates my earlier point that if you kill yourself you do not go to heaven.

  18. RIP “Carlson”

  19. Heaven.
    You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
    #princessbride

  20. i haven’t even read it, but i’m trying so hard not to throw a giggle fit at my desk from the title. gah.

  21. As much as I agree with the views against the pure idiocy and exploitation surrounding this story, this YCMIU just seems a bit mean-spirited in several ways. :|

    #justsayingum

    • I agree Gabe, you should go back to doing nice You Can Make It Ups, like the one where Paula Abdul was beaten and impregnated by juggalos. That one was kosher as kosher apple pie.

    • Just to clarify, I’m an atheist, and I think the whole thing with the kid and his parents using his drug-addled hallucinations, lies, or whatever bullshit his parents decided to feed him is disgusting, and the way it was “reported” equally as disgusting.

      But writing in detail about anyone hanging him/herself I think crosses the line, even if that is secretly what some of us might desire. And then the diatribe in the epilogue, while in line with what I believe, is insensitive to what some otherwise perfectly rational and fine people (some of whom might actually download this blog) believe. While we might disagree with them, callously putting down their beliefs like that is the kind of thing that gives atheists in general a bad name. I think we’re better than that.

      Basically what I’m saying is you might want to pull out that reset button again, Gabe.

      • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

        • bah, forgot the end quote on the second “boo-hoo”

        • Cool opinions, guy. Very critical.

          I don’t dig echo chambers of any kind, sorry. Just not my style. I don’t give a rat’s ass about what Gretchen Carlson might think about his article, but I just happen to think it reflects poorly on this site and the people who post here when this kind of stuff is written because they are intelligent and funny. I’m not offended or outraged about this article. I just think the way it was written was in poor taste.

          As for C, if you don’t understand the reference that’s not my problem.

          • This “Brosworth” fella is just trying to get downvotes. Don’t feed the troll rap is not afraid of you

          • Hmmm… IMO the post was mocking M(r?)s. Carlson’s own lack of critical thinking/social responsibility in interviewing and encouraging an obviously exploited and deluded child, in that M(r?)s. Carlson would obviously never kill herself, though according to the interview, she believe’s this kid’s hallucination awaits. As far as the epilogue offending people with different beliefs, are they worried about offending atheists when they tell us that we’re going to hell? In any case, you seem like an intelligent and thoughtful person, and I apologize for mistaking you to be otherwise, (incorrectly) assuming your comment was needlessly contrarian and not in good faith. I have a hard time finding sympathy for bigoted propagandists, but I guess this means you’re a better person than I. No bad blood?

          • Am I alone in thinking that stating, as a fact, that there is no god/heaven is just as arrogant (and offensive) as stating, as a fact, that there is? WE’RE ALL JUST GUESSING, GUYS!

            (That is, we *were* guessing. Mystery solved, Burpo!)

      • wait, wait! i’ve got the perfect gif for this:

    • I judge things on whether they are mean or not by imagining what my mom would say if she read it

      “That’s not nice.” – My mom

  22. Spurred by the wonderful GIFs we’ve been blessed with today, I would just like to note that my Monster life and my Facebook life must never, ever cross paths, because it would then become immediately evident that I steal all my GIFs from the comments here. So, my fellow Monsters, if ever our fates do meet in the Great Red Circle and my plagiarism is so painfully bathed in the cleansing light of day, this is my apology ahead of time for never giving due credit.

  23. In my version, she gets to heaven. unfortunately, it’s totally covered in aborted fetuses. like everywhere.

  24. This was a little mean.

  25. Offtopic, but I need something of you monsters. Has anyone seen a crazy face mashup of Danielle from Top Chef Just Desserts? Bitch makes crazy faces!! It has to exist. Thanks in advance. Internet, you are a gentleman and a scholar.

  26. NO! BAD BING! BAD! NO!

  27. Let me start by saying I too am an atheist. I am also what most of you, I guess, HATE. Gun totin, patriotic, anti P/C, no BS, white male. I try to be tolerant of all types. When I happen across such crass disregard for a fellow human and numerous others from a particular group chime in with praise and agreement, I strongly turn against said group. I am inclined to respond with the same fervor and passion as I am treated with. I was, somewhere along the line, gravely misinformed. I was taught growing up that rednecks,racists, and right wing nutjobs are intolerant, stereo-typing, malignant jerks and that the liberals, democrats, and left wingers are more for civil liberty, tolerance, loving your neighbors, and touchy feely crap. After reading just a few short examples equal to this story, and associated blog rantings and rhetoric, I can see clearly. The Left and the Liberals are preaching the hate and intolerance for people who do not think the same.
    So now I’m really confused tho’, I’m now very intolerant of idiocy such as this, I HATE people who would help to propagate such crass feelings, and I’d like to fist fight with any of you who would disagree with me? So if I based all of my political experience and knowledge on the type of blogs I have found linked to this one, I must be a pinko commy f@g! WEIRD! I am so glad you were all here to straighten me out. Keep up the Hate the Intolerance and lets start the Violence comrades!

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.