Whoa. Great news, you guys. Heaven definitely exists. Let this child tell you all about it.

Awesome! Can’t wait. Might just kill myself right now and beat you guys there. (Thanks for the tip, Bryan.)

P.S. That kid’s name is Colton Burpo. COLTON BURPO!!!!

Comments (190)
  1. “Grandpa was there, and Hitler was there, and…oh shit.”

  2. That’s your journalism.

  3. On a long enough time-line, heaven and hell are indistinguishable.

  4. Someday, when his father is on his deathbed, Carlton, burdened by decades of guilt for lying, is going to confess to his dying father, “I just made that heaven stuff up.” Then he will feel much better.

  5. Burpo? I can’t help but imagine a “Men in Tights” Achoo situation whenever he introduces himself…

    “Your Name?”
    “Colton Burpo”
    “EXCUSE YOU!”

  6. Is this what David after Dentist was experiencing?

  7. This kid is our generation’s Desmond Hume.

  8. This is totally “news” that belongs on a “news” network, amirite?

    • Exactly, Gabriel. STOP THE M F’ING PRESSES. Can we talk about this please? Fox News holds itself out to be a legit news agency, yet there’s a caption that flashes up on the screen twice that says the mother fucking kid “MET ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST.” What the mother fucking sucking WHAT?! NO. It doesn’t say that the little creepozoid Burpo SAYS he met John the Baptist. IT SAYS HE MOTHER FUCKING MET ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST!

      “WELCOME TO YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY!”

      - Me and Gabe (in unison)

      • A thousand upvotes for you, my friend. Imagine if all news outlets just dumped the notion of attribution altogether. No more “allegedly.” Nothing. Sarah Palin says, “I believe Barack Hussain Obama is an Islamic Extremist.” And the FOX News ticker reads: “Obama an Islamic Extremist.” I just want to know if they really don’t understand what journalistic integrity means or if they’re just like “Fuck it. This is easier and more manipulative and our fucking brain-dead backwater audience can’t tell the difference between a newspaper and an US Weekly, so who gives a fuck. Roll it, boys.”

  9. 2:40…Jesus has “rough but kind face,” “sea blue eyes,” and “a smile that lights up the heavens” — he’s clearly just reciting his parents Steven Curtis Chapman CDs.

  10. “Heaven OR Books”. Exactly. Thank you, Bing.

  11. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  12. Go to bed, “Colton Burpo”

  13. I don’t trust anyone that espouses the true wisdom of children. Children are dumb and you know it!

  14. I know this is basically an atheist heavy group (myself included, although i don’t like using that term either). But do you guys ever wonder, what if we’re wrong?

  15. i’m not in the business of calling little kids fucking liars, but this kid is full of shit.

  16. If I died at age seven I sure as hell wouldn’t have gone to heaven. That’s proof enough for me that this kid’s a liar.

  17. any good pedophile will tell you, heaven is inside a 4-year-old boy.

  18. Hello. My name is Baby Friday. You killed my brain cells. Prepare to die (and go to heaven, yay!).
    #princessbride

  19. If heaven isn’t real, then how would this kid be able to recognize his great grandfather in pictures? And know what his dad did with his grandfather when he was a child? And how would he know about his mom’s miscarriage? There is literally NO other possible way of explaining how he might know these things!

  20. That’s absurd. Everyone knows Heaven is a place on Earth.

  21. “A Million Little Clouds.” -real professional, Dad.

  22. But are there paved roads there? And cars driven by the angels? I NEED TO KNOW THIS.

  23. Any relation to Colton Farto?

  24. “Sea blue eyes” fucking white Jesus.

  25. Proof there is no heaven.

  26. Ooooh Fox News, you so crazy. Of course its only the christian afterlife that exists

  27. Everybody talking about Heaven ain’t going there.

  28. Fox news says the darndest things!

  29. “Well Jesus, he had a rough but kind face, sea blue eyes, and a smile that lit up the heavens.”

    Well, just fuck me. Kids don’t talk like that. This kind of horseshit journalism makes me so angry. That grinning idiot of a news anchor not only does the story, but completely shuts off all critical thinking as this kid and his dad schill some fucking book to yokels on Fox.

    I promise to make a joke in my next comment, but I had to get that off my chest.

  30. “I’m getting real tired of people trying to get rich and famous off of some stupid prank.” –Richard Heene

  31. he had a rough but kind face, sea blue eyes, and a smile that lit up the heavens?

  32. Shouldn’t his dad be played by Bill Paxton, and also a serial killer?

  33. Colton Burpo should have a show where he gets drowned and revived continuously to ask viewer-submitted questions to god.

  34. that settles it. I’m going to go to those guys proselytizing on the corner by Penn Station that Jesus has blue eyes so he’s obviously white. wish me luck!

  35. Richard Heene’s great mistake was that he didn’t pretend to send his kid higher. Fake balloon ride = jail. Fake heaven trip = book deal.

  36. Fox News: Proof that Hell exists.

  37. Gabe if you kill yourself you will not go to heaven

    • Actually, you probably will. Because if suicide is a sin then it would keep you out, but for it to qualify, you have to meet 3 criteria: 1) You have to know it is a sin; 2) You have to intend to do it anyway; 3) You have to make this decision while of sound mind. BUT a sound mind would decide for self preservation — so a suicide is by definition not of sound mind. Therefore, no sin. Wait a minute, you are saying, what about “suicide by cop” — when you do something that might force someone else to kill you because you can’t pull the trigger yourself. Maybe that person is saner than the straight suicide! So he might go to Hell. But then, wait ANOTHER MINUTE, suicide by cop is arguably what Jesus did, isn’t it? Why didn’t he just give Pilate a straight answer and get off with a flogging and spare his mother the pain? But everyone agrees Jesus went to Heaven. So, is there actually a Hell? #yearsofcatholicsundayschoolusedagainstthem

  38. OH FUCK YOU, LITTLE KID! YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT! Of course God is “a very big person” who “can fit the entire world in his hands”. What a stupid little piece of shit. He just tried to make sense of a scary experience he had when he was a kid (“sense” based on what he was OBVIOUSLY already being taught), and now he’s taking advantage with more than encouragement from his shit parents.

    As someone who’s actually had a near-death experience, I can tell you that I didn’t see Baby Jesus’ smile light up the heavens, I didn’t see my family members talk to God, and I sure as shit didn’t see God holding the fucking physical planet in his hand (because he’s really big). I felt at ease with everything, a level of euphoric peace I’ve never felt before. Everything got very bright, and I felt that I was merging with something outside the physical, which seemed like it was everything.

    Now, I realize my adrenaline gland was erupting like Mount Vesuvius and my pupils were dialating. Still that doesn’t change the fact that I FELT something, and for all I know, maybe that feeling of peace IS heaven. BUT I DON’T KNOW! AND I’M FINE WITH THAT! Why do you have to fucking ruin that by getting LAUGHABLY specific about what that “heaven” is.

    Seriously, fuck this stupid kid and fuck his stupid fucking parents even more.

  39. Falcon Heane x Colton Burpo = Parents that make them lie and Bffs

  40. There is seriously a banner there during the interview that reads, “Met St. John the Baptist.” Not “Claims to have…” – just unimpeachable fact. I’m feeling a little barfo right now.

  41. “When I was there, no one made fun of my name. That’s how I knew it was heaven.” – Colton Burpo

  42. “And then all of a sudden it took a long time.”

  43. In heaven everything is fine.

  44. “What happened about a miscarried child?” clearly belongs on the Bernard Pivot questionnaire, and must of course transition from there to Inside The Actor’s Studio.

    “John Goodman, what happened about a miscarried child?”

  45. I drink my Brawndo then I Burpo.

  46. So I’m going to assume these guys live in the same neighborhood as Balloon Boy.

  47. Someone should write a song about how God has the whole wide world in his hands. They should sing it incessantly for the first four years of a kid’s life and then see what he says when he almost dies.

  48. I thought I had a baby die in my tummy, too, but it was a McRib. FALSE MISCARRIAGE ALARM.

    • Urrrgh, bad taste. You ate a McRib – uurhg.

      *sound of a tumbleweed tumbling by*

      G’bye tumbleweed! You’re at every one of my gigs. We should totally videochat some time.

    • here’s the good news: you’ll see that McRib again in heaven and it’ll tell you stuff.

  49. Well, that settles that question. Next up, is there a hell? We’re going to a bad kid, a bus, and about fifteen minutes.

  50. Ew, I don’t wanna be stuck in heaven talking to dead babies.

  51. You know what you guys? Today we are all Colton Burpo.

  52. Steps to get into heaven and hang out for a little bit:
    1. Ridiculous sounding name
    2. Quarter-Zip Track Jackets for the whole fam!!!
    …aaaaand that’s it

  53. I owe my mom twelve bucks

  54. I remember when I was about 4, being woken up with the desire to look in the wardrobe in our spareroom; only to stumble on a collection of dirty videos that I took out to the loungeroom and asked my folks about.

    Is that enough for me to base a book on? Could I say Jebus made me do it?

    • I’d love to see that interview with Gretchen Carlson:

      “Now Lizardo, you say that this man in the video, Bob, is a very big man. How big is he? I think a lot of us would like to see that!”

  55. Finally we know what the appendix is for

  56. So, when you go to heaven but don’t actually stay there, does that automatically mean that you come back looking like a Class A Asshole? Or is that just the nurture part of “nature vs. nurture” talking?

  57. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  58. Blue eyed Jesus. Check
    God holding the world in his hands. Check
    Proof that the unborn go to heaven. Check
    It all makes sense now that I watch this.
    I guess I don’t have to buy their book now.
    It’s a miracle!

  59. If when we die and go to heaven we transform into our young adult selves or whatever bullshit they said, PLEASE tell me WHAT THE FUCK CORTON BLURPO morphes into??!! Does he suddenly fucking age 14 years to the heavenly appropriate 21 yrs of age? HoW the fuck does that work BLURPO!!??

  60. That Fox News journalist must be relieved she wore her best pearls to speak with Prophet Burpo.

  61. Oh well, there goes too many years of my life believing it was a fairytale, my bad!!

  62. For a show with a name like “Fox & Friends” they really should have more puppets and songs.

  63. I did not watch the video yet but I am assuming the family is from Texas?

  64. Somewhere, Bucky Gunts is cursing under his breath.

  65. They should put this kid in detention with farting kid so Satan can laugh while he screams.

  66. All of you unbelievers are going to be really surprised when Colton’s story turns out to be true. And making fun of a child’s name? What a bunch of bullies!

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.