“A lot of people think that if they could mix and match characteristics and traits from all of their previous relationships, just cherry pick their favorite things about each person that they’ve been with, that they could create the ideal mate. She would have this one’s sense of humor, and that one’s body, and this one’s face, and that one’s career, and this one’s fashion sense, and that one’s parents, and this one’s apartment, and that one’s political views, and on and on until I had the girl of my dreams. But there are two problems with this plan, in addition to the fact that the technology just isn’t there (yet) to make it realistic. First of all, it overlooks the excitement and unpredictability of meeting someone wholly new and learning about them. And second of all, what if it turns out that there’s something you’d really be into that you didn’t even know was an option? Like maybe it turns out you’re really into middle-aged women who spin around in circles with a video camera and recite horrible, awful poetry about dancing naked in the rain? What if that’s what you’re into, as it turns out that I am very into?”

–You

Put a ring on it. And some fucking clothes. (Thanks for the tip, Ben.)

Comments (81)
  1. MOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. I bet Gwenyth Paltrow and/or the GOOP folks are behind this.

  3. I actually had a girlfriend that would galavant around in the rain and would do so naked when she could. SIGH…

  4. Jeezus, Bing, I’m reading this in a public library. I’m about to get my ass thrown in prison with all this naked dancing shit!

  5. Gonna get back to nature, with my natural video camera, and post it on the natural internet

  6. I just hope no kids walk in expecting a cartoon movie and see this.

  7. You know what they said: dance like no one is watching you dance naked in the rain and definitely film it and put it on YouTube.

  8. Baby Friday, this video was supposed to be a special gift for my birthday!!!

  9. My girlfriend is the biggest asshole at the food co-op.

  10. Well, I am now sufficiently creeped out.

  11. Jennifer Lynn Petkov will be so mad.

  12. I read the title and thought, you know, my girlfriend sounds kind of sexy. But then I remembered that my girlfriends are never sexy.

  13. Also do we all have the same girlfriends/boyfriends, we’re all whores as are they then

  14. ladies and gentlemen, the female buffalo bill.

  15. Her voice was so creepy. I could not make it though the entire video…sorry.

    I feel dirty.

  16. “Moving to Seattle was a mistake.” –The people who live next door

  17. Suppression is depression, but discretion’s my obsessions, so please end this confession and get yourself to dressin’.

  18. I don’t care if she is my girlfriend, I am not watching that.

  19. When I want to remember what its like to be a child, all I have to do is sit in a dark corner, alone, trying to hear the shouts of children playing outside over the sound of my parents screaming at each other in the next room.

    Or pull tube socks up to my knees. Either one works.

  20. pretty sure “barefoot and beautiful” is a dave matthews band song

  21. I’m sorry, but you don’t call a video “Dancing naked in the rain” and then not show the goods.

  22. I thought it was “Dance like nobody’s watching,” not “dance like nothing anybody would ever want to watch.”

  23. “I’m depressed. Nah, it’s just, I guess I’m kind of thinkin’ about my old girlfriend, y’know what I mean? Oh, we were together for about three years and uh, sometimes when I get on stage I kind of think about her because, y’know she’d travel with me, and I’d be up here performing and I could… hear her laugh, y’know, and uh, kinda meant something to me, I guess. Guess I kinda miss her…. … …And, uh… She’s not LIVING anymore so I… … You think that’s funny or something?
    I guess I kind of blame myself for her death. We were at a party one night, and we weren’t getting along. We were fighting and she began to drink. And she ran out to the car. I followed her out. And I guess I didn’t realize how much she’d been drinking. She asked me to drive her home… and I refused. We argued a little bit further and she asked me once again, “Would you please drive me home?” I didn’t want to, so I shot her. With a shotgun. BWAAGHHH. Cut her right in half. Hnh hnh. Haha ha!” —Steve Martin

  24. Someone should probably tell Cameron Crowe and Zach Braff that this is what manic pixie dream girls become.

  25. that’s your associate professor of english

  26. My girlfriend is great but always with the poems. Her poem on “NCIS” was okay but I couldn’t take the one she recited while I was watching “Two and Half Men.” That one was mainly about how she wished I would watch “Kourtney & Klhoe Take Miami” instead. Sometimes I think we don’t have enough in common, since the only show we agree on is “The Good Wife,” and I want us to break up. But then I realize I just need a little alone time, so I simply turn on the sprinkler and relax for, like, hours.

  27. Please lady, don’t give nightmare, BF, and cake any ideas…

  28. She’s kinda sexy.

  29. I’ve got $10 bucks that says this woman does not bother to trim her pubic hair before dancing naked in the rain.

  30. “…agayne and agayne…”

  31. Call up the Meme-oinaire Matchmaker, stat. I found someone for the Double Rainbow guy.

  32. i told her not to drop the acid until i got home. this is the last time i drive her damn kids to soccer practice and forget to take the stash with me.

    but, hey, i’ll put up with anything to get revenge on James Cameron and that includes making sex with his wife while he’s off on Pandora.

  33. My girlfriend looks an awful lot like a dude.

  34. It’s not even raining! The person next door probably just let their shower run a little bit and good old Hippie McGee thought it was raining.

    Or her kids are playing with rain sticks because she wouldn’t buy them an Xbox.

  35. but where are the goddamn tits?!

  36. I am annoyed that my girlfriend forgot to dance to this song when making her video:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jU1eG8GW3XU

  37. Gabe spelled “Meth Addict” wrong.

  38. Did we all note that this lady’s name on YouTube is “lifeofagreatmommy” and that she has her own little channel? Let’s get to know her, shall we?

    About Me: At one particular passage in my luscious life, I described myself as being ” A Mother on a mission. A Woman with a vision”.

    Now, I shall simply answer to the tasty tidbit of my own yummy tune … ” One hungry and most happy heartbeat; making love to a universe that adores me, unconditionally!”

    Occupation:Inner Wealth Wonder-Kind Conscious Counseling and Consultations Comedic Genie – ‘out of the blessed lamp’

    She got a whole wacked-out life up there on YT…including a video about her son (POOR KID) getting accosted by kids who cut off his braid…she has a video up of her sobbing and cradling the braid..it’s…supremely disturbing.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5oC-fCt1fk
    Random quote from the video: “There are people who don’t want me in this building because I look good in a bikini”.

  39. Oh my god, this is what Republicans think of Democrats isn’t it? Hell, I wouldn’t want my taxes to pay for anything of hers except for a makeover

  40. She is not my girlfriend, she is my neighborhood. (Buckman, Southeast Portland, Oregon)

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