Not really sure why this is even a news story, and certainly unclear as to why it’s being posted on the Internet. Headline: “Normal Fight Occurs.” I’m not saying it’s pretty, but you get a couple of men in a room and/or barn, and eventually one of them is going to force the other to eat his own beard in a dispute over a lawnmower and/or milk extractor. It’s just human nature. And it’s going to keep being human nature until we can evolve into spectral beings of pure energy carried on the wind of thought. At which point we will get in fights over cloudmowers, and force each other to eat our own auras. What? (Thanks for the tip, Joel and Nick.)

Comments (76)
  1. Southern Style, indeed, Harvey.

  2. Oh Gee! Lawrenceburg is two towns over where here I was born and grew up. Since my hometown was in a dry county, Lawrenceburg was where we would have to go to get beer (that is, it was the big city to us).

    Good job! Keep me proud!

  3. Top ten best headlines of all time

  4. Man Forced to Eat His Own Beard Because He Was Hungry During Lawnmower Fight

  5. This story totally grosses me out, so I was going to make a light hearted joke about how some gay actors have “beards” as wives, because I’m so hilarious no duh. The joke was going to be something about eating them? I don’t know. I didn’t think it all the way through. Anyway, I googled for a picture to really punctuate the still unformed joke, and found this. Ugh. We all deserve to eat our beards.

  6. My only question is, why was my dad in Kentucky?

  7. Looks like he didn’t get very far. Do we get to have a neckbeard conversation again?!

  8. He was just pissed they didn’t douse his beard in gravy before they force fed it to him.

  9. Oh dear god.

  10. Sadly, help was late in arriving.

    • Speaking of how fat he was….those glasses would have looked abnormally huge on any hipster or Terry Richardson, but they looked so tiny on his morbidly obese face.

  11. I really miss running my fingers through my boyfriend’s long luxurious beard, but I’m just glad that he’s okay.

  12. Does anyone else feel like they have a hair in their throat now? Gross. Gross, gross, gross.

  13. LOL i definitely agree that the best way to describe a situation in which you are held at knife point and forced to eat your own beard is most assuredly “haywire”. that is fantastic.

  14. as a beard owner I do not endorse this behaviour

  15. Someone get this man a cupcake!

  16. ALSO this guy really let himself go.

    • hahahah i see what you did there. LIMP BIZKIT IN THE HOUSSSEE.

    • Big Dumb Head’s album “Duke Lion Fights the Terror!!” is quite a gem.

      • Anything Wikipedia calls “Speed Country” sounds interesting to me.

        • Lol It’s a pretty fun album. Duke Lion is the hero and the songs are about him fighting monsters or songs about the monsters themselves. “Burning Blood Red Head On Fire” is one of my favs, as is the track describing Duke Lion.

          He’s the son of man and God and lion/ He’s the one who keeps the good from dyin’/ We’ve seen the rest, he is the best, /He’s the best and his name is Duke Lion!
          His golden sword can shoot out balls of fire,/ His special armor makes him never tire/ His magical arrows fly like sparrows/ He fights for good for free, he’s not for hire…

          One of my housemates back at art school brought it to my attention, and he actually did sketches of how he imagined the characters. Later I colored some of the sketches he did and now it’s my iTunes album art for the album.

          • P.S. I am not, nor ever was a Limp Bizkit fan. I skoffed when my friend presented the Duke Lion album to me, but gave it a shot and was happy I did, as it is NOTHING like the music Limp Bizkit plays.

    • logged in just to express my excitement over limp bizkit reference……


      too early, spooked myself

  17. Is this the Antoine Dobson of backwoods Kentucky?

  18. I hope this incorporated into a future episode of Justified in some way.

  19. FACT: Eating beards* is what makes Gwyneth Paltrow so Country Strong (TM).

    *-Organic, free-range, grass-fed beards, of course. I mean come ON.

  20. I don’t understand why you’re all being so harsh towards this gentleman, after he went through the trouble of wearing his best clean hat AND tucking in his shirt.

  21. I like how the guy offered him $250 for the tractor, then got mad because he felt he was being ripped off. By his own offer.

  22. So basically, there were just some classy people, acting classy, and then they fought over who was most classy.

  23. This makes me very, very concerned and so far is my biggest motivation for trimming my beard. I mean, I don’t know how much hair I can eat in one sitting, but it’s probably not a lot, so as much as I wouldn’t want to eat my beard at all, I really wouldn’t want to continue eating it well past the point of fullness.

  24. Please, please, please, please don’t let this be from Kentucky!

  25. I get the impression that this guy’s poops are horrific enough already without pieces of beard in them.

  26. He seems like a nice guy. I’m glad he wasn’t killed.

    We probably don’t have too much in common, though.

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