In light of last night’s premiere of Conan O’Brien’s new talk show, the Internet has been humming with news of his debut ratings and how they compare to Jay Leno’s and David Letterman’s numbers. Snore me a river. Conan scored a 2-point-fart and is very popular among 9-year-old divorcees making less than 13 animal crackers a year! I don’t know. Literally millions of people watched his show, just as millions of people watched Jay Leno and David Letterman. Who cares! The weird thing is that while today’s focus is on Conan’s ratings, the numbers-based ratings competition between late night hosts is reported on constantly all over the place as if they aren’t all millionaires hosting highly successful programs on gigantic networks owned by international media conglomerates and weapons manufacturers. I just seriously don’t understand. Sure, people have favorite late night hosts and everyone enjoys a friendly rivalry, but the fact that David Letterman beat Jay Leno among mixed race women in the Mountain Time Zone for three days last week just seems painfully beside the point. People don’t take sides based on who is winning or losing this stupid race, they take sides based on who they like to watch. And winning or losing the stupid race certainly doesn’t make the shows any better, as Jay Leno has proven for decades, so, so what? THE WORLD IS BURNING, YOU GUYS! It’s one thing for Nikki Finke to wear out a pair of panties getting the word out about this BREAKING BUSINESS NEWS, but why do regular pop culture outlets intended for general funtimes enthusiasts like me and you also provide this thoroughly dry and meaningless statistical data? cut it out!

So, please, I encourage you to sign the petition to END REPORTING of the LATE NIGHT RATINGS RACE. It’s super boring. Enough is enough. We’re wasting precious time talking about this when Khloe Kardashian’s boob might be popping out of her shirt at a Starbucks RIGHT NOW!

Comments (58)
  1. unrelated, but as long as we are signing petitions: Also don’t forget to follow @birdiepup on twitter #1000birdiebers Birdiebers unite!

  2. Ya Burnt, Bing!

  3. To be honest, Gabe, if Khloe Kardashian’s boob is popping out, I don’t really give a care WHERE she is.

  4. Blogging about not blogging about something just made my head explode, RIP my head

  5. Can’t wait for someone to fake-rap the late night ratings news.

  6. or we could get happy about this!

  7. I can’t help but think that Winwood is Videogum’s Masturbating Bear.

  8. But I love meaningless statistics! 7 out of 12 Michigan janitors that work on Wednesdays agree.

  9. So, did you guys hear about this petition to end reporting of the late night ratings race? Yeah, apparently nobody voted because Gabe didn’t explain clearly enough how this was tied in with Obama’s health care plan and illegal immigration.

  10. Tilda Swinton can play Conan in the movie version.

  11. Better yet, can we just ignore TV in general? Unless it involves a certain grape lady falling down and making funny noises?

  12. Ahhh. Things that are pointless.

  13. Also, what kind of 9 year old makes 13 animal crackers a year, and where do I get that job?

  14. The League of Colorado Biracial Sherpas takes offense to your statement that they are irrelevant.

  15. Sorry, but I only sign petitions when approached by slightly aggressive white college students on the street.

  16. Sign the petition that we all agree that Gabe Dellawitz is JEALOUS???

  17. Only 4 million people watched this?

    The Internet gave me the impression the last five months that this was more important than oxygen.

  18. He still wins:

  19. This seems oddly out of character for Gabe as he is a crumudgeon/senior citizen. I think a strongly worded letter written to the bigshots at the television council would be more effective! On a related note… no one writes letters anymore. In Gabe’s day you were issued a calligraphy set and you liked it!

  20. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  21. Holy cow, I didn’t even know there WAS a race. I’ll have to start paying attention…

  22. It matters because these shows determine working Americans’ levels of regret the next morning when they have to get up for work.

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