Once, there was a quirky screenplay that circulated around Hollywood for a movie called The Beaver about a troubled man who could only communicate with people by using a beaver hand puppet. Quirky! It made the top of the annual “Black List”, which is an industry tradition in which people’s favorite unproduced screenplays get the minor and insignificant honor of being written about on movie blogs. Eventually, though, The Beaver did go into production. At first it was reported that Steve Carrell would play the lead, but due to whatever it is that these things are due to, he was not available, and eventually that role was filled by Mel Gibson. This is all before both the hot tub AND the blow job, not necessarily in that order. And today we have the first poster. It features Mel Gibson holding his beaver puppet and a notecard that reads “Hello, this person is under the care of a prescription puppet. Please, treat him as you normally would, but address yourself to the puppet.” It is a perfectly decent movie poster in the contemporary tradition of well-designed movie posters with a clever little kick.
Except FUCK THAT. I’m sorry, Hollywood, but no. You don’t get this one. Today we end your long-standing tradition of constantly pretending like the human monsters in your garbage menagerie are anything but. Fuck you and fuck this Holocaust denier. We’re not going to act like this is just a charming little story about a guy with funny problems. We are all very sorry that you invested millions of dollars into this project only to have its lead star blow up in your and everybody’s faces (although there were certainly plenty of racist I MEAN RED flags) but that’s the way it is, so DEALWITHIT.GIF. Actually, no, CHOKEONIT.GIF. Better.
After the jump, a blank version of the poster for Mel Gibson’s The Beaver. Let’s fix it.