Once, there was a quirky screenplay that circulated around Hollywood for a movie called The Beaver about a troubled man who could only communicate with people by using a beaver hand puppet. Quirky! It made the top of the annual “Black List”, which is an industry tradition in which people’s favorite unproduced screenplays get the minor and insignificant honor of being written about on movie blogs. Eventually, though, The Beaver did go into production. At first it was reported that Steve Carrell would play the lead, but due to whatever it is that these things are due to, he was not available, and eventually that role was filled by Mel Gibson. This is all before both the hot tub AND the blow job, not necessarily in that order. And today we have the first poster. It features Mel Gibson holding his beaver puppet and a notecard that reads “Hello, this person is under the care of a prescription puppet. Please, treat him as you normally would, but address yourself to the puppet.” It is a perfectly decent movie poster in the contemporary tradition of well-designed movie posters with a clever little kick.

Except FUCK THAT. I’m sorry, Hollywood, but no. You don’t get this one. Today we end your long-standing tradition of constantly pretending like the human monsters in your garbage menagerie are anything but. Fuck you and fuck this Holocaust denier. We’re not going to act like this is just a charming little story about a guy with funny problems. We are all very sorry that you invested millions of dollars into this project only to have its lead star blow up in your and everybody’s faces (although there were certainly plenty of racist I MEAN RED flags) but that’s the way it is, so DEALWITHIT.GIF. Actually, no, CHOKEONIT.GIF. Better.

After the jump, a blank version of the poster for Mel Gibson’s The Beaver. Let’s fix it.

Comments (161)
  1. You Mad, Max

  2. “This is the only beaver I can interact with nonviolently.”

  3. “I’ve told them a hundred times: put Mel Gibson first and Puppet Show last.”

  4. So Dam Good

  5. Nice Beaver, Sugar-tits

  6. “Hello, you can either talk to this person or the inanimate object he is holding. Nobody will fault you for feeling the natural human impulse to talk to the person, but we strongly recommend you address the stuffed child’s toy instead.”

  7. “Hello, this person is fucking crazy and talking to a stuffed beaver”

  8. I would like to LODGE a complaint

  9. Those this mean that all the bad things Mel Gibson has done for the past couple of years has been footage for this movie? I’m Still BeavHere?

  10. “I’ve got my fist in a beaver! Also, jews.”

    – Love, Mel

  11. “I have a photo of Whoopi Goldberg’s children in my beaver.”

  12. “Puppets are the only way people will accept my backwards world views”

    -Jeff Dunham

  13. Can you believe how badly I muffed my career?

  14. Hello,

    This man is trying to resurrect his career by doing a quirky comedy in hopes we won’t notice he is hateful scum. Also, beaver pun here. Avoid him, and the creepy puppet.

    To the discount DVD bin with you!

  15. [IMG]http://i56.tinypic.com/2hwk028.jpg[/IMG]

  16. Steve Carrell’s reaction to this poster:

  17. I don’t see how Gabe can stay so mad at a guy who was just superb in “What Women Want.”

  18. Thanks Butterpranks, I am no a fully functioning monster!

  19. “http://blingee.com/blingee/view/118256447-mel-and-beaver” target=”_blank” title=”mel and beaver”><img alt="mel and beaver" border="0" height="400" src="http://image.blingee.com/images18/content/output/000/000/000/70c/668829277_867058.gif&quot;

  20. I’m actually fine with having that beaver replace Mel Gibson.

    • “Come see this laugh-out-loud, yet heart warming family film about a man who can only speak through a puppet or by screaming into a phone, because of his tragic battle with tourette’s syndome, BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT!”

  21. mel caught a bad rap. he’s been trying to be ironic this whole time. see?

    • this is just too damn perfect–you have all my upvotes for eternity

    • There’s no way this guy has 20′s in his wallet.

      1. He is ridiculously rich, and pays people salaries to buy him things, so he doesn’t need to carry cash.
      2. There is not enough room in his wallet for 20′s, since there are so many pictures of black people.
      3. His hispanic maid would just steal them all, or the jews would force him to pay them for something (they need to fund all of the world’s wars).

  22. Can someone please Photoshop Danny Glover’s head on top of the Beaver’s head, and in the note card type “I’m getting too old for this shit!!!” as a reference to that classic scene in Lethal Weapon 1 (or was it 2? I forget). I would do it but I’m at work right now. Thanks so much!

  23. shit let me try this again…

  24. I´m positive there´s an amazing “…in bed” joke in here somewhere.

  25. I’m not really saying anything, I guess. I just figured Mel Gibson watches Tim & Eric.

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