The first teaser commercial for E!’s upcoming new reality show, Bridalplasty, is here, and it is a powerful reminder that Bridalplasty is definitely going to be THE WORST. I’m not saying there was any confusion about this, or that anyone was like, “You know, I’ve been thinking about the concept of Bridalplasty, and the general quality of E!’s programming, and I’m starting to believe this is going to be an excellent television show.” No. But now with the new teaser trailer, we get to see the ways in which E! pretends that women’s self-loathing and body-obsession can be turned into comical, competitive farce! If you need a reminder of what Bridalplasty is, here’s the description, from the archives:

Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her “wish list.” She’s given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week’s episode.

One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show’s description, “possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride.”

The last bride standing will receive a “dream wedding,” where she will reveal her new appearance to friends, family and the groom. “Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery,” E! said.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was not killing himself when he heard about Bridalplasty. Teaser trailer after the jump!

And you know what? Fuck this. You have to have unshakable faith in SOMETHING in this world, so it might as well be that world’s destruction by fire. 2012, HERE WE STILL COME! (Via HollywoodReporter.)

Comments (97)
  1. “If you do not give us the combination to the air shield, we will give your daughter back— — — HER OLD NOSE!!!”

    Seriously tho, barf barf barf. Get some groomzillos in here and shut it down. STAT.

  2. If I write the best wedding vows, can I get a lobotomy?

  3. Who wears blue underwear underneath a white dress?

  4. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:
    1) nose job
    2) brow lift
    3) tummy tuck
    4) veneers

    Not necessarily in that order.

    • Let me not to the marriage of true minds
      Admit impediments. Love is not love
      Which alters when it alteration finds
      Unless, of course, you win the challenge.
      And then, all bets are off.

      By: William Shakespeare
      1st period English II

      • How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
        I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
        Plastic Surgery can reach, when feeling out of sight
        For the lifts of brow and ideal face.
        I love thee to the level of every day’s
        Most quiet need, veneers and lipo’d light.
        I love thee freely, now with your nose set right;
        I love thee purely, with thy bosom raise’d.
        I love with a passion put to use
        By reality TV, and with my 2012′s BARF.

        -Elizabeth Barret Browning

        (this is half assed because I was too depressed to do it properly. If you will excuse me, I must lie down and wait for the sweet freeing embrace of death. Oh to join that inky void.)

      • My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
        Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
        If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
        If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
        I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
        But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
        And in some perfumes is there more delight
        Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
        I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
        That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
        I grant I never saw a goddess go;
        My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
        But then she went on a real’ty show
        And now I don’t know who she is no mo’.

      • When old age shall this generation waste,
        Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
        Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say’st,
        “Beauty is truth, truth beauty,” – that is,
        Unless you can do something about your nose

        John Keats

      • Come live with me and be my love,
        And we will all your faults improve,
        Old nose and chin will be concealed,
        That craggy face and skin, all peeled.

        - Christopher Marlowe, Groomzilla

    • A rose by any other name still smells as sweet, unless of course it has killer breast implants, in which case, yeah, it’s definitely sweeter. And boobier.

  5. It is really too early for me to already be vomiting and crying at work.

  6. My desire to completely boycott this show is conflicting wildly with my compulsive need to read and watch everything on vgum. This is like torture.

  7. Let me just take this opportunity to say: I’m so glad to be married to a sane person. Not sure Teacherman can say the same, but at least one of us is making good choices.

  8. At they are respecting the sanctity of marriage…because if marriage is about anything, it is definitely how you look.

  9. Listen guys- We have got to have a standard, otherwise everyone in society is going to be effected!

    Oh no! I sound like an asshole!

  10. I hereby officially announce the VIDEOGUM BRIDALPLASTY DRINKING GAME. The only rule is that you have to watch the show and take a shot every time it makes you hate society.

  11. Wow….I mean..just…wow, what have we become?

  12. “Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery,” E! said.

    If there’s one thing weddings are about, it’s not having a god damn clue what your wife looks like. Mail order barf.

  13. Next they’ll be giving cosmetic operations to dogs (birdie plasty, if you will) so they look like humans so we can marry them you guys! Slippery slope!

  14. Speaking of things changing shape and/or size: the Videogum format! Has it shrunk for anyone else this week? The main box is about half size and the font et. al is shrunk down to a minuscule size. As a 74 year old man who just wants to keep up with what his grandkids are sexting about it’s really a pain to have to read the sight with bifocals. Is this happening to anyone else?

  15. Oh, man. There are so many people to hate here.

    1. The contestants
    2. The fiances, who are no doubt at least as horrific as the contestants
    3. E!
    4. Shanna Moakler
    5. The sponsors
    6. Da Cake Eatur (?!?!?)

  16. As Cee-Lo says, “I pity the fooooooool that falls in love with you”

  17. I wonder how many people would be getting married CONTINGENT on the plastic surgery

  18. I feel like these might be the same people that would later force their daughters on Toddlers & Tiaras. Which, btdubs….LOVE that show.

  19. Earlier this week, Satan released a statement, saying:

    “I tricked the world into being eternally unhappy with how they look and filled everyone with a painful empty feeling. I made them believe that if they only were able to have a ‘perfect’ wedding, which we all know does not exist, they would have the happy life they have always wanted. But I had no idea it would come to this and I sincerely apologize.”

  20. I know I am emptying out inside because I am less and less surprised or worried or even confused when I see things like this. I’m losing touch, guys.

  21. Their lives are Twilight.

    • Ugh, sorry for this lazy comment guys. I’ve got an American Lit test in about 20 minutes and my brain is officialy fried from studying too much last night. At this point I could probably only make a few jokes about The Scarlet Letter, but I doubt anyone wants to hear those…

  22. sometimes society makes me sad (all the time), but the worst part here is that after i watched the trailer i thought, “what would i get?” that’s sad enough, but the fact that my answer was “lipo” and that i then thought that counted as “good” self esteem… society makes me sad and i am part of said society.

  23. E! is a terrible channel for terrible people to watch terrible other people do terrible things terribly. Also, my dad watches it a lot.

  24. Me: Can we talk about BRIDALPLASTY?
    My Friend: I don’t know what was worse: modern entertainment, or people watching lions kill people in ancient Rome for fun.
    Me: Modern entertainment is your answer: Kim Kardashian demo with The Dream (http://www.dlisted.com/node/39501)

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