Randy Quaid Evi Quaid

There’s something wrong with Randy and Evi, you guys. From CNN:

Randy and Evi Quaid insist they aren’t mentally unstable, using drugs or lying about being pursued by a mysterious and deadly group of celebrity-extorting assassins.

The Quaids — who were arrested last month in Canada and are due in court Tuesday in California after allegedly squatting in and wrecking their former Santa Barbara home — spoke about their fears Monday on ABC’s “Good Morning America.”

“I genuinely feel these people are trying to kill us,” Evi Quaid said. “We are refugees … We are Hollywood refugees.”

WE ARE REFUGEES…WE ARE HOLLYWOOD REFUGEES! Well, looks like I just added a new line item to the top of my Bucket List: saying that out loud and meaning it. Talk about an IMDB Memorable Quote! Literally one of the funniest things you can say out of all the possible permutations of things based on the various words in the English language and the structural rules of grammar. Also: insisting that you are not mentally unstable or on drugs OR lying about being pursued by a mysterious and deadly group of celebrity-extorting assassins is an argument that demands you rest your case. Otherwise the judge is going to throw you in jail for Contempt of Common Sense.

Also this:

Randy Quaid added that it was “very possible that Heath Ledger could have been murdered” by the group, which he said is seeking to make cash by assassinating celebrities.

Haha. Yikes! “Your honor, would a person who was mentally unstable and/or on drugs suggest that the same deadly group of celebrity-extorting assassins that has turned him and his wife into Hollywood refugees also murdered a much more popular actor whose tragic death from a drug overdose–which could never happen to me due to the fact that I never touch drugs, I am too busy being mentally stable–two and a half years ago startled the entertainment industry? Do I even need to rest my case, sir? Oh, I do? OK. I rest my case.”

Just kidding. Everything is obviously above board here. Good luck to Randy and Evi Quaid! (Thanks for the tip, Alex.)

Comments (63)
  1. i’m pretty sure dina lohan was on coast to coast talking about this exact cadre of terrorists the other night.

  2. Sounds to me like Casey Affeck is making another movie.

  3. How exactly does one make money assassinating celebrities? It just doesn’t *seem* as lucrative as that dental hygienist degree I’ve got my eye on…but I’m willing to consider it.

  4. That’s a real Randy’s Choice there, Bing.

  5. No guys! He only went to canada because he thought he was filming another Vacation movie and the assassins he’s talking about is a subplot of the movie!

  6. He definitely said Lloyd Braun like 5 times, right? I didn’t make that up?

  7. Never really thought about how much celebrities and president have in common:
    1) People are always trying to assassinate you.
    2) Even once you’re not actually doing the job, you get to keep the title.

  8. I bet Jeremy London is feeling pretty good right now.

    “I only barely escaped the celebrity killers who target only very very famous people like, for example, Heath Ledger (very famous) and Randy Quaid (very famouser).” -Jeremy London

  9. I saw a documentary about Snake Plissken escaping these celebrity assassins. But Randy and Evi have it all wrong, these people are looking for plastic surgery replacement parts.

  10. this IS REAL. Quaid was formerly employed by this international syndicate to poison the water supply.

  11. They’re also switching our children, wait that was Dennis Quaid

  12. I’d love to see his buisness cards…

    Randy Quaid:

    Hollywood Refugee/ Celebrity Assassin

  13. Shit! Busted! Anybody got a basement or similarly windowless room I could stay in for a while? They’re onto me!

    • Taco, call me. My basement has a toilet on a step with no door, a dirt floor and lots of bugs. There is also a door I’ve never gone through that points toward the cemetery behind my house. It is only wet when it rains, or there is high humidity and I would be willing to send down buckets of scraps for you to eat.

      • can’t taco just eat himself since he’s a taco?

      • But is it in a nice part of town?

        • You bet.

          Where I live, there is a sidewalk and only a few roving bands of zombie pit bulls outfitted with laser beam sunglasses and ninja stars that shoot out of the mouths of the communist monkeys that ride them.

          Totally nice place…as long as you don’t fall in one of the pits of lava or the pits of broken glass.

          • I want to make an Old North End joke in response, Chaka Khan’s Mom, where you been?

          • Yes but how close are you to the lobster-covered mountains?

          • I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone here is much funnier than I am, so I’ve sort of reverted to lurking status.

            Classic ONE, though. I have a friend who recently returned after 6 months in Alaska and, first night back, we were walking down my street and a girl came out of a house and started hopping down the side walk wearing a full, zipped up sleeping bag. She did not make a sound. Her friends came out of the house and watched her make her way down the street and around the corner, also silently. I turned to my friend, and said “welcome home,” and then we both got a little bit teary.

          • I haven’t had any good ONE encounters lately, but I think that’s because my house is an ONE encounter for people. We (my former landlord’s, whom I am now friends with and live with) think that some people suspect something odd is going on here. Much of the neighborhood knows the dog, not everyone knows which one of us exactly the dog belongs to.

      • Montresor?

  14. My favorite part of the interview was when Evi was talking about the Mel Gibson tapes and said “I think he was drugged. I think he was slipped a Mickey.” I also liked that GMA had “Celebrities in Exile” as the banner just so you know what what was going on in case you tuned in late.

    • Speaking of Celebrities in Exile, here are pictures of my in my Elephant Man costume (smooth transition, right?):

      • I love that you have your hand covered too. Did anyone ask you if you were a member of the Union of the Hideously and Improbably Deformed (U.H.I.D.)?

      • That’s a really good costume. I bet you didn’t even have to explain who you were all night. (Why doesn’t anybody remember Jem?)

        • Only one person knew who I was, and he was an English fellow from Joseph Merrick’s hometown.

          No one else even wanted to ask. Seriously, I wish I had pictures of the uncomfortable looks that people gave me when I introduced myself and tried to make small talk.

      • Why oh why are the thumbs hidden for this picture? Virtual upvotes for you, Mans.

  15. yeesh, talk about your folie a deux!

  16. My favorite part was when Evi said Dennis Quaid has been on a treadmill of making bad movies lately. Someone’s not getting a second helping of sweet potatoes at this year’s Thanksgiving!

  17. I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I just can’t find all of this funny. I’ve been following this story for a while, and I guess my shadenfreude is broken, because it’s just making me so, so sad. It’s like Britney Spears all over again.

  18. When I first read this the other day, I kept reading Evi Quaid as Evil Quaid which gave the story an extra dimension, for me.

  19. I know a semi-safe refugee camp in Pakistan they can move to. Just trying to do my part.

  20. Anyone else have a hard time reading the word “Quaids” and not picturing Total Recall?

  21. First Britney, then Mel Gibson, then Lindsey(TM) — and now Randy Quaid. It is like the gene that bestows Artistic Genius is the same gene that makes you a self-destructive paranoid. How did DaVinci and Shakespeare dodge this bullet?

  22. ‎-Does murder happen?
    -I rest my case your Honour.
    *Evi tumbles head first through glass window and bleeding profusely begins to throw her own feces at passersby whilst screaming ‘Doji!” Randy silently pulls a handstand in the corner as his bow-tie spins rapidly.

  23. Band Name of the Week: Hollywood Refugees.

    • That’s a good name, but my band is post-post indie-alt-pop-rock that flouts convention for integrity, so we’re going with “A Mysterious and Deadly Group of Celebrity-extorting Assassins”.

  24. when they said the “star whackers” wanted Randy’s royalties, i totally heard “royalty” which made me remember how much the king of sweden looks much more related to Randy Quaid then Dennis does

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