2012

We take an uncharacteristic but momentary break from our ongoing coverage of Underwear Dances to bring you some IMPORTANT NEWS. From Yahoo!:

It’s a good news/bad news situation for believers in the 2012 Mayan apocalypse. The good news is that the Mayan “Long Count” calendar may not end on Dec. 21, 2012 (and, by extension, the world may not end along with it). The bad news for prophecy believers? If the calendar doesn’t end in December 2012, no one knows when it actually will – or if it has already.

A new critique, published as a chapter in the new textbook “Calendars and Years II: Astronomy and Time in the Ancient and Medieval World” (Oxbow Books, 2010), argues that the accepted conversions of dates from Mayan to the modern calendar may be off by as much as 50 or 100 years. That would throw the supposed and overhyped 2012 apocalypse off by decades and cast into doubt the dates of historical Mayan events. (The doomsday worries are based on the fact that the Mayan calendar ends in 2012, much as our year ends on Dec. 31.)

Are you fucking kidding me? I know that I’m supposed to be happy that I’ve got a few more years to hug my great grandchildren and tell them what it was like when dirt cost a nickel, but I was kind of counting on this whole 2012 thing. That was my ticket out of here! What, I have to buy a gun now? WHERE AM I GOING TO GET A GUN IN THE UNITED STATES?! Ugh. This is the worst! I need an apocalyptic cataclysm just to get over my apocalyptic cataclysm. Download my blog.

And now, back to LIZARDS DRINKING ORANGE JUICE NEWS.

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Comments (52)
  1. Old Man Gabe is just apoplectic over this apocalyptic delay.

  2. In related news, the sequel to John Cusack blockbuster “2012″ has been greenlit:

    2012: 2012?

  3. “If the calendar doesn’t end in December 2012, no one knows when it actually will – or if it has already.”

    This explains so much. We’ve been dead the whole time!

  4. And yet, all the signs are still there:

  5. I’ll believe it when the Weekly World News reports it, thank you.

  6. In NEWS today: Bullshit may actually be slightly later bullshit.

  7. Well, on the bright side, lizards drinking orange juice is the first sign of the apocalypse, so…

  8. And I just finished work on my tombstone! What am I supposed to write now, Lilbobbytables, 1982-2012 (+/- 100 years)? That would just look silly. I would be the laughingstock of the cemetery.

    • Don’t worry, LBT, I will still write your obit:

      L’il Bobby Tables, 128

      Minnesota resident and noted model, political and social activist, and dirt bike enthusiast, L’Il Bobby Tables, 128, died Dec. 31, 2110, in her home inside on the moon.

      She has requested that no service will be held, though a group asking to be referred to simply as “Monsters” have scheduled the largest wake since the death of Victor Hugo. It will be sponsored by Crystal Skull Vodka.

      Mr. Hall was born in the spring (maybe?), 1982, in St. Paul, Minn., to Bib Bobby and Big Bobbie Tables.
      Ms. Tables exhibited impressive abilities from the beginning, walking out her mother’s womb, shaking the hands of doctors and nurses and proclaiming, “Well, hello there, e’rybody!”

      In her lifetime, Ms. Tables held many occupations, most notably the Dean of Medicine for hospitals, the commissioner of the NBA, and the President of Earth. Despite these noteworthy titles though, she is remembered by most for her humor and compassion. One apocryphal story claims that she wants cause an Atlanta area teacher to laugh so hard that his face exploded, but she then brought him back to life with a single .gif. Such were the ways of Ms. Tables to those who knew her best.

      Ms. Tables spent all of her life in the great white north, though she was truly a citizen of the universe, having travelled as far as Omicron 8. She and her husband, Prince, also built their vacation
      home in the middle of a volcano and enjoyed many wonderful winters there together.

      She is survived by her husband of 100 years, Prince, aka “The Purple Yoda,” her son “Willow” and her daughter “Jaden.” No, wait, that’s daughter “Jalow” and son “Widen.”

  9. That makes me sad! I was planning a ‘End of the World’ party. What’s the point if we’re not gonna die by the end of it?

  10. So, wait…does the article say that the world MAY HAVE ALREADY ENDED? I knew Videogum was too good to be true.

  11. RIP world ending in 2012 meme, you brought us lots of laffs.

  12. Not to be dr. oz over here, but it’s Orange Drink, not Orange Juice. That’s how they get you (fat.)

  13. Looks like I’m going to have to start paying my credit cards again.

  14. I thought Outsourced getting picked up for a full season was a sure sign that 2012 was imminent.

  15. ummm…Spoiler Alert?

    Now wtf am I going to do with my pre-order of Calendars and Years II: Astronomy and Time in the Ancient and Medieval World?

  16. I posted this to Facebook with the simple words “uh-oh”. I hope my mom doesn’t get the joke.

  17. This reminds me of David Cross’ stand-up bit about all the fundamentalist preachers backpedaling when the year 2000 comes around and Armageddon doesn’t destroy us all.

    “Well, I tell you what! I- boy! I am just red-faced about this. It’s uh- I’m tickled, I tell you what. It’s just funny. It’s a funny story. Heh heh. Whelp, the funny thing is I keep my Bible, uh, in the den, ok? Where my family congregates and we pray and uh, and uh, apparently about 30 years ago, my youngest got in there, ok? ‘Cuz you know how kids love the Bible. And uh, my youngest got in there and had peanut butter on her fingers and just had smudged over the bottom of a ’3′, so it looked like a ’2′! So it’s my bad. So it’s January 1st, 3000. I was off by one millennium and it will be another thousand years of fundraising. God bless it, God bless it.”

  18. 2112? I always suspected that RUSH would have something to do with an epically long apocalypse.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYSW73GWRUw

  19. GOD: I command that the temporal world cease.
    GOD: Sike, lol

  20. Stupid magic prognosticating ancient civilization and their incompatible calendar.

  21. NOW they tell me, after I’ve thrown away my catheter.

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