Gwyneth Paltrow is the worst. We know that. It’s painfully well documented. She’s the human embodiment of pampered self-satisfaction. In addition to wearing underwear made out of truffles and bathing her face in baby unicorn milk, she calls potato chips “crisps” and says things like “my head weighs eight stone.” But, in addition to being the worst, she’s also a professional actress. In that sense, it is fine for her to be in movies where she doesn’t necessarily ooze liquid gold from her tiny perfect pores and the perpetual glow of a mind unhindered by introspection or consideration of the world around one’s self. Characters, I mean. It’s OK for her to play characters. That’s her job! And, if we’re going to be honest, it’s not like other people in Hollywood (or, I guess, a castle in London or some shit?) are any less self-absorbed. They all use packs of $100 bills for sole-uppers in their too-tight diamond shoes (because they are all much shorter than you would think).

But what the shit is this music video shit? While the song itself is based on a role, the video is not a role, it is just straight up Gwyneth Paltrow taking a break from knitting her children three-piece space suits for the brisk journey to their summer moon cottage to sing a song about riding a “dirty bus from the Midwest.” GET THOSE WORDS OUT OF YOUR IMPOSSIBLY SOFT MOUTH, YOU ASSHOLE. YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT A BUS IS! (Note to Gwyneth: It’s like a giant lorry, but with horrible civilians inside.) At one point she is holding an acoustic guitar (this song is not acoustic) for two seconds and when we cut back she is not holding it? Just a big fucking lie is what this all is.

She is literally not from around here. (Via ComingSoonhttp://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=70689.)

Comments (76)
  1. Only 0:08 before I had to kill it.

  2. GODDAMMIT. You also forgot to mention the sign being held by the fans @ 3:02 that says “Love Song”. Wtf. Is this a precognitive look into Taylor Swift’s future? What is this? WHY IS THIS :[

  3. I feel the same way about this video that I do about her in general, a bit boring maybe but ultimately inoffensive and harmless

  4. Sometimes, like Andrew Shirvell, I think Gabe complains about Gwyneth so much because he loves her.

  5. Country Music DESERVES Gwenyth Paltrow.

  6. You know Gabe, she may be awful, but Gwyneth is human too. Observe:

    See, even she can’t make it through this song without sobbing in pain either. Just like me. Just like you.

  7. Those are very nice $2000 leather capri pants purchased at Bergdorf Goodman. Authentic Cuntry.

  8. “I taking that hug back.”

  9. Gwyneth Paltrow, making this guy look good since 1990

  10. “I am not a pampered film actress. I am you.”
    -Fishsticks Paltrow

  11. At least she didn’t stop traffic on the 101.

  12. Would it be rude of me to point out that there actually is an acoustic guitar in this song? No Paltrow.

  13. To be fair, Gabe, there is quite a bit of acoustic guitar in there. To be even fairer, shut up, Gwyneth Paltrow.

  14. Sorry guys, but I really like Gwyneth Paltrow! I will possibly Fandango this movie! (I will not Fandango this movie. But I really do like GP.)

  15. Ugh this movie seems like a recipe for disaster. A recipe not unlike those featured on her blog.

  16. The video won’t work, so being a self-hater I looked it up only for it to be gone from another site. My conclusion is I came back in time and deliberately impeded myself (O’ Donnell is against self-impeding) from ever watching that awful video. Thank you future me, stay gold.

  17. i prefer her earlier work.

  18. Can we get a Back to the Future style re-shoot with Tilda Swinton?

  19. This sounds like a truck commercial.

  20. Her next video is for Off-Season Tennis.

  21. I used to work for a wretched woman. Just so you know how horrible she was, her favorite actresses were Gwyneth Paltrow and Katherine Heigel.

  22. Chandler Bing: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. “Oh no, two women love me. They’re both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet’s too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT.”

  23. And Canada finally gets one right with its copyright restrictions. I don’t even get the OPTION of watching it.

  24. You guys need to back off. She has plenty of country credit. She has a country estate in London.

  25. I like Gwyneth Paltrow but I don’t even give a shit about these bandwagon hate threads anymore. I do have 2 words though: Maya Rudolph. She’s good friends with Gwyneth and Maya seems pretty cool. How do you Paltrow haters explain that?

    • not a hater but John Cusack and Jeremy Piven were long-time friends but I can still say Cusack is great and Piven is the worst

    • I have “good friends” who are pretty obnoxious. Very infrequently and/or from a distance, I really like them. Seeing them on a regular basis is like torture. Parents kind of work that way too.

  26. Music video palate cleanser: http://goo.gl/oErb

    (I really like this band! And it’s a husband-and-wife duo! Adorable!)

    • I clicked that link with the most cynical of expectations and ended up getting my nards rocked. Thanks, fozzy the chair.

  27. My chief complaint about GP is that she makes too many appreciative noises when she eats, much like Bill Murray in “What About Bob?”. But hey, you stage your witch hunt and I’ll stage mine.

  28. So can we make Lorry jokes again?

  29. Gwyneth Paltrow is what is wrong with the WHOLE WORLD, insomuch as the geopolitical machine that governs civilized society is based on the difficult and painful vs. the easy and comforting. Country music is the destination for “artists” that have fallen out of favor with those who judge them difficult and painful so that they can take refuge in the easy and comforting. Gwyneth Paltrow (and to a slightly lesser extent, country music in general) constantly hopes to connect with “regular people” by waiving the aluminum foil of TRUTH and DECENCY in the face of society while at the same time slyly lifting the wallet on a chain from the pocket of the working man. It causes people on one side (of actual issues that matter) to chant mindless, home-spun stupidity in the face of the other side (of actual issues that matter), who conversely hate them for that stupidity, causing the whole machine to churn, stupidity charging hatred charging stupidity.

    Gwyneth Paltrow is Hitler in Germany. She is the 18 minute Watergate tape gap. She is the O-Ring in the Space Shuttle Challenger. She is the box cutter. She is the entire mine in Chile. She is country strong.

    I swear to God, if I find out that her last name in this movie is “Strong”, I will personally buy a ticket just to walk up to the movie screen and slap her 20-foot-high face.

    GOOD DAY, SIR!

  30. That said, this is just a lovely song and video and she DOES have fabulously honeyed hair.

  31. How can you hate a woman who named her chilluns Apple and Moses?! I want to give her a high-five just for that! Its shit you suggest when you’re drunk and it sounds really funny, but then lose your balls when the thing actually emerges. Huge balls, huge balls.

  32. Whenever I see Gwyneth Paltrow these days, I just pretend it’s Zach Galifianakis in a “slim suit,” making an exquisite “anti-comedy” version of Shallow Hal (And, of course, vice versa, as in yesterday’s “calendar” shoot for Vanity Fair).

  33. Why can’t she be my girlfriend, instead of the lady that keeps rats?

  34. and i ALSO heard that in these “music videos” people aren’t really even playing the instruments! everyone just PRETENDS to play!!! who will stop this blatant deception and hypocrisy? why is gwyneth such a LIAR?!? how dare she hold that acoustic guitar like the character in the movie the song comes from? haha, “this video is not a role”, you guys! it’s almost like it’s a promo for the movie like all the promos for all the movies, except that RAWR I HATE THAT PERSON!!!

    you’re hilarious, videogum. i love all of this stuff.

  35. This is the best thing that’s happened to me all day.

  36. You know back when I was at Uni (college, if you don’t know what a lorry is) I used to write weekly colleges for the campus newspaper. After a while I was able to build up a few in-jokes that regular readers (both of them) could lulz about. One of these jokes was my abiding hatred of Gwyneth Paltrow and Paltrow-related miscellanea (although, yes, she was very good in The Royal Tenenbaums and her Mother was great(!) in Huff).
    One of the letters to the editor recommended that I should act on my convictions and tell Gwyneth to her face that I hated her. Obviously, this was not possible. I do not live in an ivory tower, built on a rainbow over a field of sunflowers and fulfilled ambitions. So, as a gimmick, I did what I thought was the next best thing. We strung up a paper effigy of Gwyneth Paltrow under a tree in the uni bar and I burned it. I ran around the tree hollering into a megaphone, accompanied by the cheers of a drunk crowd on a sunny afternoon.
    Granted, this was extreme, and I am now uber-mature and would never do that again. But, at the time, it was awesome. If she had a soul, she may have even felt a shudder of recognition.

  37. Weekly COLUMNS not colleges.

    So much better when the story makes sense.

  38. If this song resonates with you, it’s because you are a human cavity.

  39. It’s a really great music video, guys*, give it a chance**. The editing is so clever*** and Gwyneth’s voice is so authentically country-sounding****.

    *no, it’s not
    **save yourselves
    ***incoherent cuts between her standing in a warehouse singing and random parts of the movie that have nothing to do with anything that she is singing, or any relation to the movie’s plot
    ****i’m not even going to touch this one

  40. Well, I’m with Leighton Meester on this one- this was my face the whole time as well.

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